Uttara's Point of View

I could feel my eyes were getting blurred due to the tears accumulating in them. A few drops rolled down my cheeks, as I gazed down at Mother Draupadi.

She was sitting motionless in front of her five dead children, the Upapandavas. It was as if a dagger had pierced right through her heart, as she clutched tightly, the white sheet on brother Prativindhya's dead body.

Mother Subhadra was placing her head on Mother Draupadi's shoulder and sobbing silently. I gently went near and sat down beside them, while my Pandava fathers had rushed to Guruputra Ashwathamma to avenge the death of their sons.

Brother Prativindhya, Sutsom, Shrutkarma, Shrutsena and Shatanika were lying on the ground covered with white cloth. Besides them was Uncle Dhristadyumn lying lifeless with a slit in his throat. Uncle Shikhandi's chopped body was arranged in order to give them a shape atleast.

A few men were trying to shoo the vultures and scavengers who were feasting on the scattered bodies of the soldiers.

I am not in the condition to even utter a word. Eighteen days. Eighteen painful days. These eighteen days have snatched everything from our family.

I am alive, but I barely feel so. Just my heart beating, the blood flowing through my body, blinking my eyes, moving my limbs, that's it.

The void that is created inside my soul, is irreparable. It is as if, someone has purposely dug a deep and wide hole in my heart. 

A hole which is not visible with naked eyes.

It can be only felt.

The feeling is tremendous, it is severe. It is beyond words, it can't be explained.

The feeling is that disastrous. 

The fact that half of my family has perished is just sinking in.

The phrases, "Prince Uttar and Shweta is no more", "Your husband Abhimanyu has left the mortal world", "King Virat could not be saved unfortunately, Princess." just seeps in .

Seeps in your soul. The phrases will take time to process in your mind for some time. And for some people, it takes a lot of time to accept the phrase that, "Your loved one is no more".

My ears just grasped those phrases, and immediately my eyes fell upon their bodies being carried into the Pandava camp.

I did not even have the time also to pray for the fact that the news was false. 

To pray for the fact that my loved ones are alive and the messenger has mistaken someone else's death.

The bursting of the news, and the bodies were there.

Brother Uttar's body was pierced with a spear, and brother Shweta's one arm was missing.

They were lying on stretchers, their eyelids closed. 

Eyelids closed forever.

Wait, weren't they the one who were laughing, joking and teasing me a few months ago just before my marriage with Arya Abhimanyu? 

"Uttara, if Abhimanyu and you enter into an argument or a tiff, just pack your stuffs and return to Virat kingdom without just uttering a single word!" brother Uttar smirked and placed his hands on his waist that day after my wedding was over.

A part of me was still praying, still having a ray of hope that they would raise from their stretchers and claim they were pranking me. They would confess that they wanted to prank me and then assure that they will never abandon me like that.

But that did not happen.

I motionlessly witnessed the Pandavas, my father , mother and Arya Abhimanyu accompanying my brothers' dead bodies to the pyre and lighting them.

That was not a dream. Not that I would scream out of my bed, sweating . Rush and hug my mother and confess her about the nightmare. And feel my head caressed with love as they assure me, "O there is nothing to be afraid about Uttara! It was just a nightmare, a really bad dream and nothing else. See we all are here with you!".

No it was not that.

It was happening in reality and not in my nightmares.

I was witnessing it with my own eyes. I could feel the tears rolling from my eyes, and my mouth dried. I could feel my heart beat increasing every moment and my forehead sweating tremendously. I could hear the wails of my parents and I too joined them when I understood that everything that was occurring was real.

It was not my figment of imagination. In reality, I will never hear their voices anymore.

Never in my future will they address me as , "Sister Uttara!", "Little one", "Beloved sister".

They were gone.

Yes Uttara, accept the fact that they are no more.

They left you on the very first day of the war.

And whatever you are thinking currently about them is absolutely true.

And the void was again painfully dug deeper in my heart, when the news spread like wildfire in the Pandava camp that Arya Abhimanyu was mercilessly slaughtered.

Yes, I had heard that phrase correctly. My ears did not deceive me on the thirteenth day of war.

My husband was mercilessly slaughtered.

Arya Abhimanyu had too left the mortal world . 

Like my brothers, he too abandoned me that day.

I fearfully came out of the tent that day, and collapsed on the ground as soon as I saw my Arya. The lifeless body's forehead was bleeding, his chest had numerous holes of being pierced with sword a number of times.

The whole Pandava army was mourning in front of his body. 

What is mental pain ,I came to know that day. 

How painful it is from physical pain, I came to know that day.

And how this pain never heals, I came to know that day.

I understood the real meaning of trauma that day.

The feelings of  cluelessness, restlessness, gloominess all were haunting me. 

Mother used to sometimes narrate me how evil spirits possessed normal humans and tortured them and how brave princes saved their subjects from their terror. 

I always used to shudder on the thought on how does it feel to be possessed by evil demons and spirits?

The answer is this feeling.

I can even assure someone that this feeling is even more worse than being in contact with a demon's spirit.

That feeling is temporary and can be mended with the help of experts. 

But does a cure exist to heal this void and feeling of gloominess in my heart? Can anyone find a cure to demolish this gloominess permanently? 

Any technique to make me feel that I am close to Arya Abhimanyu? Or to make me feel his presence again? 

Any method to let me hear my name being lovingly called out by him?

Any way to convey him the pleasant new that I am pregnant with his child? Any way to let me witness the immense joy on his face when he receives the news that he will soon become a father?

And then what happened after that? 

More salt was rubbed on my wounds, when father left us.

I could literally feel the ground slipping from underneath my foot. I was experiencing blurred vision, my forehead was severely paining.

First I believed it was due to tears I was not able to see anything clearly, but then I collapsed on the ground.

My eyes opened in my tent, and the attendants informed me that I had fainted right there in front of my father's body.

I wish I had remained unconscious for a bit longer. 

So that for a bit longer I did not have the feeling that my family was no more. So that for a bit longer I did not feel the trauma, the shock, the gloominess.

For a bit longer, I would not have to again try to harbour the courage to keep myself steady. Not again let the feeling of loneliness and void consume me.

The great war for righteousness was finally over on the eighteenth day. 

Or rather it appeared so.

We did not expect to witness the dead bodies of my Upapandava brothers and that of Uncle Dhrishtadyumn and Shikhandi.

But now this truth is also trying to sink into my soul that they are no more. 

The war for Dharm did come to an end physically, but we still have to face the war that will be going in our hearts for days to come.

I am broken and shattered from inside. My soul is now like a mirror which has been shattered into countless pieces . And the broken shards are piercing my insides.

There is no peace when you open your eyes. No peace when you close them even.

The feeling that everything is lost makes my breath hitch. 

What is the cure for this feeling?

Crying.

Crying relentlessly, wailing and shrieking while embracing someone tightly.

I also did the same thing for these few days. Then also I am feeling restless, helpless and gloomy. It seems as if my tears also cannot represent the pain I am feeling.

Then what is the answer?

Even I am not aware of it. How long will this terrible feeling loom over us we do not have any clue. 

Maybe forever, the feeling will haunt us forever.

Till death.

Yes it will, and no one can alter it.

My parents always used to say that, "Whenever there is darkness, a small light of hope will always flicker."

And I am aware of the light of hope amidst the darkness that is prevailing.

It is my child, that is developing in my womb. The child is a part of Arya Abhimanyu and me. 

The child is the future of Aryavart, according to Uncle Dwarkadheesh Krishna.

Yes, and I will try to protect the ray of hope for my family at all costs.

My feelings of gloominess and void shall never be projected in front of my child. 

If I have to cry, I will cry alone. If I someday tremendously feel the absence of my parents and my Arya, I will keep it to myself.

But not let anyone be aware of my condition.

My family needs me in this hour of unbearable pain. It is my duty to comfort and console them, irrespective of what is going in my heart.

I will try my best to hold and compose myself for the upcoming future.

I cannot promise myself immediately, but I will try my best.

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