I ain't feeling to well, mentally that is. My social anxiety is slowly getting worse as it creeps in the background. Honestly I might slowly be becoming depressed which isn't surprising as it runs in the family.

Wattpad used to be a great relief to me and meeting all the people here and just everything about it made me so happy.

Slowly I started to lose my motivation though as school started forcing my schedule to change so the time I would normally write I would be forced to go to bed. Plus all the work it gave me.

I joined a rp in march or February, not sure which month but whatever it doesn't matter. It was so great. My character was able to be who I wanted to be and it gave me confidence that I could become that person but slowly that rp got dark and depressing, and it felt like the negativity of everything had managed to follow me there.

Another RP was started and I used my secondary character, but slowly the drama that I've been running away from is starting to show up there too and I it's as if I'm trapped by how negative life is.

My confidence has crumbled and is at an all new low. My parents laugh at my social anxiety and it makes me think I'm just crazy and that it's not a real problem when I know it is a problem.

What also hurts is that at the beginning of the summer I told myself I'd be more social online to help me offline. Yet slowly I've realized I'm the exact same person on and offline. I see that everyone is talking in different places so I join but I realize there's more and that makes me wonder am I really part of the group? Or is it like my real life were I'm just "the introverted friend" and so because of that I'm not included in anything?

I feel so bad yet at the same time I feel absolute nothing because I've convinced myself I don't need too. It feels like I'm feeling everything yet nothing. When I'm sad and want to cry no tears fall and when I'm mad and want to shout nothing gets said by me. Or if I'm happy and cheerful all my smiles are deep down forced and painful.

I want to tell everyone in all these chats and groups yet it seems like everyone else's problems are so much bigger than mine so I say nothing so I don't add to an already bigger problem.

Some people in these groups are so out going and friendly and I love em. Others though are just so social and are so different to a point that I can't understand them. I can't socialize with these people so when suddenly everyone else had left for the night and it's just me and whatever other person I just can't talk to them.

It's like my real life that I hate so much. Where there's people in the group I'm in that I just can't understand or talk to.

It's so painful to realize that the thing I've resorted to for relief from my pains in real life is slowly turning into the exact same thing.

The worst part is that I don't care. I stopped caring so long ago that I forgot how necessary it it. I want to care but I don't. If something happened to Wattpad and I suddenly wasn't able to use it anymore, I wouldn't care. I know I wouldn't because I've seen so many people I've cared about on here disappear and I didn't feel a thing. It was just an inconvenience to me.

Ultimately I've decided to take a break from Wattpad for awhile. It just hurts to much to see everyone talking about whatever random topic is on that days menu when the topic I wanna talk about is so personally and not really worth it.

Oh whale, there's nothing you can do.

Sincerely Zodi