It's hard to explain what it feels like to be broken. I wouldn't consider it rock-bottom but maybe it's like depression. Before I dive into this, I am not trying to point out anyone who really does suffer from depression and if there's someone out there that jokes about having depression, you need to stop right now. This isn't a joke because there are people out there that do suffer from lack of energy and reason. Depression isn't when your favorite show ends up canceled, it's when you seriously don't even see a reason to get out of bed. Moving on, while I may not have depression, I know a little bit about feeling utterly useless and not having any reason to do anything because it just takes too much energy and everything about you is numb. 

This can be the result of something tragic happening, such as the death of a close family member. A person can fall on their hands and knees, something lost from you but you don't even know what it is and where you lost it. One of the more common ways to describe it is simply drowning while everyone else is breathing. Either way, it changes a person and how they see the world. 

And maybe, that person decides the best way to counter that is to end it all or run.

X X X

Medicine cat...? Leader of CinderClan? That explains knowing where every herb is in our territory, and that might be the reason Dapplefur acted so rash back then, she considered. Beechpaw and Mothpaw shared a look of excitement, a door opening in front of their eyes for them to dive into. Her heart began to pound and her paws tingled with anticipation, time dragging on as she waited for Ashstar to explain. 

"Our birth was short and simple while this missing cat problem was still a thing. Daystar was our leader back then, and maybe it was her that started this entire thing." Ashstar frowned, flicking an ear. Another sigh escaped him, draining the leader's strength and energy with him. Mothpaw felt the effects starting to sink into her bones, making things around her less colorful and a little heavier.

"Aspenstar, Amberfeather, and I all became apprentices quickly. Where Amberfeather and I followed a warrior's path, Aspenstar chose the path of a medicine cat. There was nothing wrong with that, but that was the start to our separation. Her mentor, Hazelbranch, was battling old age and passed away before he could teach everything to her. Daystar took the responsibility of training Aspenstar herself and soon enough, we became warriors and medicine cat. We watched cats disappear one by one, and it hurt more and more with each one slipping out of our lives.

"Out of all of us, Aspenstar's the most sensitive to feelings and events. As a medicine cat, she formed close bonds with each cat, and when one went missing, she'd break down for a few moments before pushing forward. The thing that ticked her most off was none other than Amberfeather and how shifty our sister was. Even when we were young, those two would constantly fight. I'd just be in the middle, listening to them bicker and fight. It wasn't until Daystar took Aspenstar as an apprentice that the bond between them grew tremendously.

"Things fell to the ground afterward. Amberfeather started spying on Daystar, claiming that something was up. Not a day went by when I didn't hear her tell me her suspicions, and when Aspenstar found out, they fought and fought. We decided to drag our conversation outside camp for a night where we could have some sort of conversation. Accusations were thrown at all of us that night.

"A small group of rogues came after us. Amberfeather and I were more than ready to defend ourselves, but Aspenstar leapt head-first into battle and dealt with them. That caused both of us to ponder how she learned how to fight and when she mentioned Daystar teaching her the skills of a medicine cat and a warrior, I stepped in. She boasted and said I was being jealous and claimed that she was making herself useful by knowing how to fight. The dual between her and I ended up as a draw, and Amberfeather barged in for my sake.

"We were told everything that she thought. She said Daystar made her uncomfortable and anytime they got into a battle, the rogues avoided her. Just because she was strong enough to toss a cat through the air wasn't a reason to avoid her in combat. Amberfeather described long night walks where Daystar would just mutter to herself, and she believed our leader had something to do with the missing cats. I think the largest piece of evidence she could come up with was the fact Daystar never once felt sorrow for a missing cat and pushed forward.

"The last thing I ever said to Amberfeather was 'I hope you realize what you're doing because I'm not going to be the one who mourns your death when StarClan finally strikes you down.' And I can't erase that look she gave me, it comes up every time I see Aspenstar or even Deerleaf. If she's in StarClan right now, I can only hope she can forgive me for saying that.

"The last thing she told us still floats in my head, whispering. 'If you truly think you can trust anyone just because of their status, then you haven't changed one bit, and I'm not going to dig you out of your mistakes.' After that, she took off running, leaving her family behind. I was worked over what I heard that night, and now I wish I could've calmed down instead of saying those words. Aspenstar tried to stop Amberfeather but that didn't change anything. They got into another fight and when I finally came, Aspenstar was cursing our sister's name."

Taking a deep breath, Ashstar let his eyes shut, mind taking him back to younger days. Where Mothpaw and Beechpaw leaned forward to hear every word like they were kits again, the tom hardly moved once. Stress and exhaustion piling on his shoulders with the responsibility of two Clans, she didn't blame him for wanting to fall over on his side and sleep for a few moons. There were plenty of warriors that could assume his position, but it wasn't like they weren't in ideal condition. 

Both MeadowClan and CinderClan had their fair share of beaten and worn-out cats that struggled to get out of their cold nests to patrol or hunt. Not a single cat left camp unless a younger apprentice asked to, and the only kit that they had left lost all of his energy and enthusiasm that a normal kit should have. Now, hearing stories from Emberflight or Ravenclaw telling tales of Clans when they were they stood as tall as the Moon Tree and how the forest bloomed with ever-lasting flowers and the river flowed with an endless supply of fresh water seemed only rumors to shield the truth hidden beneath sweet nothings. 

Mothpaw questioned what she'd do if the missing cat problem disappeared one day and the Clans returned to their former glory, but that only sucked time out of her, and no matter how much Echoflight had told her kits that they had a long life, she found wasting time the only thing she could do to cope with the situation. It was hard to imagine MeadowClan in a state of well-being since all she had seen from the day she opened her eyes was a group of cats that could be mistaken as starving rogues. 

Maybe this is truly Clan life. I haven't seen proof that StarClan exists or those tales of a thriving Clan truly happened. If this is all this place has to offer, what happens if I go somewhere else? Somewhere far away, she prayed. Of course, she wasn't one to follow out with the plans because she didn't want to be separated from Beechpaw, the only family she had. Mothpaw forced the fantasies and wild thoughts down with a blink, focusing on Ashstar again.

"The only sick proof I can think of that StarClan exists is Amberfeather's death. The day after we got into our argument, she was out of her nest. Three days went on and she hadn't returned. Daystar, worried that something happened organized a small patrol to search for her, and those cats went missing. Her daughters were apprentices and they were determined to find Amberfeather. They snuck out and unknown to them, Aspenstar and I followed. We traveled off territory and came across a thunderpath, where all of us saw Amberfeather, who was far from saving.

"Daystar caught up after some time and saw Amberfeather. Eventually, she jumped forward and dragged her out from the path and checked her scent, concluding that she had been struck down here." 

Ashstar turned his head away from the two apprentices and faced the back wall. "That path hadn't been used in moons and just suddenly, a monster had to have come. I still wonder what was going on in her mind during her last moments, right before a force so strong knocked her life out of that body of hers. StarClan had to show itself somehow, didn't it? They came down in the form of a monster and killed the one cat who believed she was doing the right thing.

"The rest happened too fast. Aspenstar broke and ran, spending a majority of her days at the Moon Tree, praying to StarClan to bring her back so she could apologize. Not even Daystar could bring her back and after a few moons of her absence, I collected the nerve to speak with her, and when I arrived, she was gone. Daystar went on a mission to find our medicine cat because Dapplefur hardly knew anything. Our own leader went missing, the deputy set out, they went missing, and the Clan was entrusted with me." 

"She... Aspenstar left MeadowClan to join CinderClan as a leader?" Beechpaw asked, absorbing the information as best as he could. "I don't get it, why did Aspenstar join CinderClan? Aren't they suffering the same thing as us? And how did Daystar go missing? If you got your nine lives, that means she's dead, but where is she? And Amberfeather... was something truly up with Daystar? StarClan killed her and an indescribable sickness sucked away Pebbleflight's life too... Do they really exist?" His breath was getting faster, stumbling in the small nest as theories flooded his mind. Mothpaw did her best to keep the pounding of her heart to a bare minimum, but the rapid pulse beside her made her body shake and tremble. 

StarClan never existed in the first place! That's a fact! Are they really only here to kill cats? Why are we even praising and waiting for them if they all they do is kill cats? Mothpaw sucked in her breath, horror filling her eyes as the dread in her stomach stirred. She struggled, choking out the words from her tight throat.

"Is StarClan the reason cats are going missing? They're the ones who make the cats go missing and then they kill them! It's like Amberfeather and Pebbleflight!" Mothpaw gasped, fur spiking out and she eyed her surroundings carefully, pressing closer to the warm pelt next to her. 

"I don't know what the answer is," Ashstar growled. "If they are the ones who are responsible, then---"

"Hold on a second!" Beechpaw interrupted, voice stronger than the two. "If StarClan's not real and they're only out here to kill cats, then how did Aspenstar get her nine lives, exactly? How did you even get your nine lives, Ashstar? You had to have seen them!"

"That's right!" Mothpaw exclaimed. "During the battle, Aspenstar died but came back! That means StarClan is out there! She must've seen them when she died! We have to ask her!" She would've sprung from the nest had not Ashstar come over and place a firm paw on her back. Beechpaw fell back, burying his head between his paws as he tried to hold back the incoming yowl in him. 

"It is not something I should be telling you, but when I got my nine lives, not a single cat came out to greet me, and the only thing I saw was a pool of water. There were nine voices that rung overhead, but never once did I see Daystar or Amberfeather in StarClan. When I lose a life, I go back to that same pool and see my reflection and it's less visible each time." Ashstar glared at Beechpaw and placed his other paw on her brother, halting his protests.

"Don't ask Aspenstar for this information, either. My sister won't answer to rash decisions," he snarled. "What you learned about her must never be mentioned to her. If she finds out, I don't know what will happen to her. She's the most sensitive cat that I've ever known and a single setback could cause her to run."

But she's been so bold and seems unaffected by death...

"Ashstar, tell me!" Beechpaw shouted, wiggling free. "If you both you and Aspenstar are family and you both know StarClan's existence, why do you act like you don't believe in them?!"

"There are so many questions you have and I'm sure I don't have answers. These questions you guys are going around asking, some of them don't have answers." Ashstar looked at the exit and then back to the two siblings. Something flashed in his eyes and he released them, backing away into his nest. Mothpaw and Beechpaw stared at their leader curiously, and the tom shook his head, the wave of shock gone. 

Mothpaw thought she saw a flicker of hope behind Ashstar in the dark den, but when she blinked to confirm, whatever was there was gone. Another blink, and the only thing that stood there was her leader's figure. 

"Know that whatever your goal is, there will be a day when it will fall to the ground. Nothing lasts forever, even the bond that you share with each other."