Before you read: Please know, I do not agree with things mentioned or done in my stories, secondly, you are all absolutely beautiful beings and I can only hope and pray you love yourself as much as I love you. Perfection may not be achievable, but you all come pretty close in my eyes!

"Why Oatie?" Mishti wondered quietly as she watched him dish something into a dog bowl.

"He likes oatmeal" Abir gestured to the dish as he placed it on the ground. "And uh" he scratched the back of his neck, a sheepish grin on his lips, "So do I".

There it was, something to pay him back for his kindness while also sweetening their relationship so in times of anger he would hopefully remember that she hadn’t always been worthy of a beating. "I can make you some, if, if you like?" Pink rushed to her cheeks as he turned to look at her.

His eyes shone as he took a seat, barely able to keep his excitement in, he clapped his hands "Yes, please". It had been so long since anyone had even offered to make him anything, so he wouldn't turn her down, he craved a home-cooked meal and her arrival was beginning to make his lonely house a home.

Pouring some oats in a bowl, she tipped some milk and water in slowly, mixing as she did it “Um” admonishing herself for not knowing in the first place, she turned her head over her shoulder “Where is the salt? Do you have any fruit?”

Pointing to the side, he opened a cupboard “Fruit goes up here, I should’ve shown you before, but I forgot” he chuckled lowly, head hanging over her shoulder as he watched her chop the strawberries. “Sorry” he laughed again, “I like watching people cook”.

Unable to help herself, she smiled “It’s okay, you have nothing to be sorry for” she hadn’t meant to repeat his earlier words, but they seemed so fitting. His excitement was similar to that of a child’s and at that moment she couldn’t imagine him even hurting a fly.

“Hey, that’s my line” he tutted, “Ooh what are you doing with the orange peel?”

For a mere second, she froze. It had been her first telling off since she got here, now it wouldn’t be long till it became a repeated occurrence and his fists joined in the fight. “It adds a zing, so I save it for when it’s cooked” she sifted the ingredients into a saucepan and lit the stove. Stepping back, she squeaked when her back hit his chest “S-sorry”.

He smiled “You have nothing to be sorry for” winking, he took a seat atop the table, hand brushing Oatie’s fur. “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”

He barked, lapping up the attention before approaching Mishti, lifting a paw and running it down her side to make her look his way.

Turning off the stove, she held out a hand, then ever so slowly allowed him to sniff it before rubbing behind his ears.

“Anyone would think he loves you more than me” he shook his head in mock disappointment.

She jumped back “No, no, he doesn’t” she knew jealousy was always a great motivation for someone to lash out, if a man even looked her way she’d be beaten before, now if Abir thought she was getting more attention from his dog than he was, he may lose it.

“It’s okay” Abir took a seat. “Love is shareable, we all love many people and we love them in many different ways, how he loves me isn’t how he loves you and vice versa” he knelt beside him. “Guess that’s why I love animals, an animal doesn’t worry about you loving them, they just love you anyway” his throat became dry. “Oatie was a rescue dog, he’d been abandoned young, his mum had been taken to be taught how to fight so people could bet on her, like me he was alone in this world, but when I saw him that all changed, it took me time to form a bond, he was scarred and in ways so was I, I know lonely like the back of my hand, what I don’t know is companionship” he fell quiet.

Holding out a dish, she grabbed a spoon “I know lonely too” she wanted to offer some comfort, but she wasn’t sure what she could say.

Abir took it gratefully “Looks great” he took a mouthful, then grimaced “Hot, but good” he waved around his mouth, then gulping it back harshly. “Where’s yours?” Turning to the saucepan, he frowned “You didn’t make enough for us both”.

“I wasn’t sure I was allowed to” Mishti looked down uncomfortably.

“What, eat? Jesus, Mishti, I’m not a monster, here, you can share with me” without really thinking, he tugged her by her wrist so she fell into his arms, then blew the dish before holding some to her lips. “Say aah, don’t make me do the aeroplane, because I will” he threatened jokingly.

Opening her mouth slightly, she wiped her lips after “Thank you”. Watching him from the corner of her eye, she stiffened her body, Saul had only ever pulled her close when they had company, he said that way he could keep an eye on her while showing off, but there was no one to see her sitting on his lap, so she didn’t understand why he’d want her this close, wasn’t she too heavy? “I can sit on the chair if you-“.

He shuddered with over-exaggeration “But then I’ll be cold, this way you can keep me warm unless you’d really prefer to sit there?” His fingers were drawing circles on her back as he spoke, on occasion skimming up to her scalp and tangling themselves in her hair.

The gesture was soothing, relaxing, but a woman like her couldn’t afford to be too relaxed, that was when danger would strike and if she wanted to survive, she needed to be ready for it. His question seemed more like a test than a choice, right now she was too tired to risk his annoyance, so she remained where she was, allowing him to feed her until the bowl was empty.

Abir gulped down his water “Thank you, that was very nice, would you like to take a look outside? Then we can watch a movie”.

Mishti nodded “Sure” standing up, she reached for her coat and scarf from the hook she’d placed it on yesterday. Turning to look at him, her face paled at the gun in his hand. Stepping back, she placed her hands against the wall, reaching for the ornament in the window as she did. Saul never had a gun, if he had her life would’ve been over by now, this made everything a lot scarier. Inhaling sharply, she rose to her tiptoes so she could sink more into the door she’d now moved to.

“Oh, don’t worry about this, I just shoot it to scare off wild animals” he shook it, “Sometimes I have to use it to hunt too, there aren’t exactly shops around here, I can’t always use the boat if the lake is frozen over” he tried to explain, but her eyes were far off and her breaths far too heavy. “If you really don’t like it I can leave it here, we just won’t stray too far” he placed it down.

Oatie whined up at her, body winding around her legs so he could sit in the middle of them.

“I can see I’ve upset you” his lips turned upside down. “Look, I’ll just put it away, I really didn’t mean to scare you” placing it down, he approached her with his hands up. “Mishti?”

Gasping as she looked at him, she tripped forward over the dog and into his arms, pushing her arms beneath his, she dug her nails into his shoulders, muffling her sobs into his chest as he held her tightly. “Please don’t, I’m sorry for whatever it was I did, I’m so sorry” her cries wracked her body with a force that nearly knocked them both to the ground.

Pulling her back, his brows met “You thought I was going to use it on you? Shi-“ he shook his head, “Mishti I would never, that’s not me, I don’t hurt people like that, I would never hurt you like that” Abir tipped up her chin so she could see the truth in his eyes. “But someone has hurt you, haven’t they? Was it your husband?”

Looking up at him through tear-filled eyes, her head shook “No one hurt me” a way to get to her was to use her past to weaken her, people had always lied to her, why would he be any different? “I just don’t like guns” she stepped away. “I’m a little tired, do you mind if I sleep?”

“Sure” he let her leave, though his eyes followed her as she did. Something was hauntingly wrong with her, whatever it was, she wasn’t ready to talk about and he’d respect that, but soon if she didn’t share her pain it would eat her up from the inside out.

Falling to her knees, she crawled to the toilet, lifted the lid and wretched, hand so far down her throat that her nails scratched her tonsils. Resting her face on the cool stone of the basin, she wiped away her tears “I promise to be better for you” pulling her knees to her chest, she rubbed the back of her hand over her lips, biting down hard to rid the taste of vomit from her tongue, only to replace it with blood. Standing up, she lifted her shirt up and stood to the side, breathing in as much as she could, she held the skin between her finger and thumb “There’s still too much, still too much” her head dropped, tears running down her cheeks and nose as she fell to beside the door and rested against it. For some time now she’d allowed her life to be run by the numbers on the scale, but it was the only control she could give herself, in punishment there was pain, but this way, if she hurt herself, she could decide how far to go, she could decide when it ended and mostly, if she hurt herself badly enough, then no one else ever could.