I slept much longer than I had intended to. I woke to the feeling of Harry dragging his fingers up and down my arm and stroking my face as lightly as if a feather had touched it. Before opening my eyes, I whispered, "You have no idea how good it feels to wake up next to you like this."

He pulled me against him and kissed me. "I think I have some idea," he said. "How are you feeling?"

That's when I opened my eyes and was treated to his smile and his adorable bed hair, all tangled and curly. "I'm doing okay. It's strange because yesterday was both the best and the worst day of my life, but I think happiness is winning out because I'm so thankful for everything that happened last night. Between us, I mean," I said, smiling shyly.

"I quite enjoyed that as well," he said, kissing the tip of my nose.

I breathed in deeply and let out a huge sigh. "I think I want to talk to her," I said. "Now that the initial shock is gone. I think I have a right to an explanation, don't you?"

"Do you think it will make a difference?" He asked.

"Make a difference how?"

"Well, what will you do with what you find out?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I can't just pretend that everything that happened yesterday didn't happen. I saw my mom after seventeen years, after having no idea where she had gone or why. Wouldn't you want to talk to your mother if she did that to you?"

"Yeah, I guess I would," he agreed. "I just don't want her to hurt you again."

"I think the worst is over, Harry. I found her. She has a new family. What else could she possibly tell me that would make it worse?" I wondered aloud.

"Don't ask for an answer to that," he said gently. "If you'd like to give her a ring, I could go with you to meet her somewhere today. But if things go badly, we're leaving before it gets out of control. Are you all right with that?" 

"Um, yeah. I think so," I said, stretching and looking at the alarm clock. "Wait! Harry, it's after ten! Weren't we supposed to be flying back to London by now?" I looked at him in a panic.

He rubbed my shoulders and said, "Relax, I've taken care of it."

"But what about your date with Victoria?" I asked.

"Harper, I'm not in love with her," he said, cocking his head with a smirk. "I phoned this morning and spoke to her. I hope you don't mind that I told her what happened."

"No, that's fine. She and Ariana are good friends, and they know about my mom. So what did Victoria say?"

"She said that she wanted me to be with you and help you through this," he replied with a warm smile.

"Damn, she's one amazing friend!" I laughed. "I definitely want to keep in touch with her after this."

"We will," he said, emphasizing the we part. "I was wondering if perhaps you want to call your dad first and talk to him a bit about everything before we try to talk to your mother."

"I was thinking about that, too, but then I thought it might be better if I have more of the story before I let him know that I found her."

"If that's the way you want to do it," Harry nodded. "But remember, either way, I'm pulling you out if things get too emotional."

"Yes," I nodded happily. Then I briefly thought about how strange it was that I felt so happy. It was Harry, of course. Things couldn't have worked out better between us, and the timing was oddly perfect. Deep down, I felt that old wound, and even though it still hurt, it felt like the infection was getting flushed out. It might hurt more in the process, but if I was able to finally get some healing, that's really all I wanted.

"I'm going to take a shower," I announced, pulling a robe around myself. But then I felt a tug at my robe strap, essentially hauling me back to standing in front of Harry, who had gotten out of bed and had no qualms whatsoever about being naked in front of me.

"I think it's only fair that you invite me," he smirked. I turned back to head for the bathroom, pulling him along like a big kid behind me.

I had to admit that skin-to-skin contact was very soothing, especially under the hot jets of water. But skin-to-skin was also an effective way to become aroused again as well. Harry kissed me strongly, awakening my body to him again.

"Should we try it in the shower?" He asked in a mischievous voice.

"Maybe we should get a little more practice first," I countered. He lifted me slightly, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his hips while he walked us straight out of the shower and onto the bed. We didn't even dry off.

"You left the water running," I giggled.

"We'll have to wash up after this again anyway," he smirked. I loved that little half smile he did. It made me happy. This day just felt...happy.

We made love again, finding each other's bodies more familiar. He was still slow and gentle with me, but I would definitely look forward to his aggressive side at some point. Our movements ebbed and flowed like the tide until we both crested like white-capped waves.

Lying there, breathing heavily for a few moments, I eventually said, "I'm getting cold."

"Shower's still running," he laughed, and picked me up to carry me back. We washed quickly and stole a few kisses along the way, but I was eager to figure out the next step to take with my mom.

"I booked the room for another night, if you want to stay," Harry informed me as I pulled on some casual pants with a white and blue striped top. "I'll have housekeeping change the bedding since it seems to have gotten a little soggy."

A quick laugh left my mouth, but then I spoke anxiously. "Should I really do this?"

"I want you to do whatever will help you find peace," he said.

"I think I will call her. Who knows? She may not even be available today."

Harry sat on the edge of the bed next to me while I dialed the unfamiliar number. I was thankful when she answered so I wouldn't have to explain to anyone else who I was. "Um...hi, Mom. It's Harper."

"Harper, darling, I'm so glad to hear from you. I thought you'd never want to speak to me again," she said.

"I'm not exactly sure what I want. At least I want some answers. Harry and I postponed our return to London until tomorrow, so we wondered if you might like to meet somewhere and talk for a bit."

"Yes, I'd like that very much," she agreed. "And you say Harry will be with you?"

"Yes, he's coming along. And be prepared, there will be a lot of security. We're part of this show that's being filmed right now, and they don't want to give anything away."

Harry motioned for me to hand the phone to him. "Hello, Anita," he said. "Are you familiar with the Bean House cafe?" He paused to listen. "Okay, good. I will ask them to have a private room for us. Shall we say half-twelve?" Another pause. "Perfect. We'll see you then."

He was suave, I had to give him that much. He made it sound like a business call rather than the potentially awkward meeting it might be.

Two security members and Claudia accompanied us. Harry insisted on no cameras - in fact, I heard him arguing strongly with Claudia about it - because this was not going to make it onto the show. It was too personal and too painful for me, he reasoned.

It was strange to see my mother again when we entered the private room reserved for us. She stood up and came to me, her arms open. I guess I couldn't really refuse a hug. I didn't return it as fervently as she might have wanted me to, but at least I participated. She was the last to let go - I remembered that she had always been like that. It was a comfort to me as a child.

Before we started talking about anything, Claudia explained the top secret nature of the show, and asked my mom to sign an NDA. I think it caught her off-guard, but she complied willingly.

Then she turned to me as Harry and I scooted closer together, facing her. "So, how did this come about?" She asked and it sounded as if she was trying extra hard to seem pleasant and loving. It was too late. My opinion of her was scarred for life.

"My best friend Allegra sort of forced me to join the competition, even though I didn't really want to."

"I remember Allegra," she added. "How is she?"

"She's still fun and crazy. She's engaged, so that's exciting for her."

I didn't want to go into the details of MY life that she willingly walked out on.

"It didn't take long to discover that Harry and I had some natural chemistry. And it helped that I knew nothing about him or his band, so I just got to know him as a person, and I fell in love."

"Oh, I asked the girls last night," she said excitedly. "Your band is One Direction, is that correct?"

"Yes, ma'am," Harry smiled politely.

"They were so excited to meet you," she went on. "Niabh, especially, is such a big fan. She's got posters all over her room. In fact, it's a little surreal to be sitting here chatting with you like this."

I turned the conversation around abruptly. "Can you just tell me why you left?" My question was blunt, but there was no real tactful build up to it, so it just came out.

"Yes," she nodded. "Of course." She took a deep breath and began. "Your dad and I met when I was very young. I had just graduated from high school and I had a great opportunity for an internship at a law firm for the summer. I wanted to become a lawyer like your father. Well, as things worked out, I was hired on to work part time as a page while I went to college. It was a fantastic arrangement for someone my age to get a foot in the door at such a prestigious firm."

I sat politely waiting for her to get to the part where she decided to leave me. Harry grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed.

"As I said, that's where I met your father," she said, with just the hint of a wistful smile on her face. "He was eleven years older than me, but we were crazy about each other. We had to keep our relationship hush-hush, of course, since the higher ups at the law firm would frown on a member of the firm being involved in a relationship with a young intern."

She took a sip of her tea and continued.

"The following summer, I learned that I was pregnant. With you." She looked straight at me, her face frozen in apprehension. She had just dropped another bombshell on me.

"You and Dad weren't married yet when I was born?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.

"Well, we were married by the time you were born," she answered. "Kevin loved me so much and he was so loyal to me. He insisted that we get married, and he would take care of me; well, of us. He was excited to start our perfect little family." That sounded like my dad - so devoted, so loyal. 

"Okay," I shrugged.

"He was really too good to me. But I started to resent him after a while. And sometimes I resented you," she said, her face tightening as she struggled to hold back tears. "I always loved you Harper, but I was so young and-" She stopped for a few moments to collect herself and take another sip of tea. "I resented your father the most because he insisted that I quit working at the law firm so his boss wouldn't find out about our...inappropriate relationship, even though we were married by then. Besides, I couldn't work or go to college with a new baby. And he didn't want you in day care. So I became a stay-at-home wife and mom when I was only twenty. At first, it didn't seem so bad, but as the years went by, the resentment grew. He always said I'd go back to college when you were a little older. He would say, 'Harper needs her mom at home. Just another six months, honey. How about next semester?' But somehow the timing was never right. I eventually fell into a deep depression, although I had no idea what it was at the time. I convinced myself that I hated my life and that you and Dad both-" She stopped and burst into tears. "-that you and dad both represented the death of my dreams. I had lost the chance to do what I wanted to do with my life. Dad wanted us to have another baby for years, but to me, that only meant my dream was getting further and further away."

"So, what made you finally just decide to leave?" I asked, my voice hoarse with emotion.

Harry took his hand from mine and put it around my shoulder, pulling me close and asking, "Are you all right? Do you need a break or anything?"

"No, I'm fine," I assured him and gave him a quick kiss.

She took another deep breath and went on. "I started corresponding with a friend here in Dublin. He had been an exchange student at my high school, and we were good friends. We wrote each other letters regularly, but of course, that dropped off after I got married and had a baby. But when you were about six or seven, I decided to write to him again, thinking he was so far away and maybe he could just be a listening ear for my problems. He responded very quickly and expressed sympathy and support for my situation. He gave me something I needed. Over the next few years, we became very close, talking on the phone or sending letters, and finally emails."

She stopped to look at me, trying to gauge how well I was taking this.

"He was the one who finally convinced me to leave," she said. "No, let me rephrase that. He never once suggested that I walk out. But knowing the kind of relationship I had with him was what I had always wanted, I knew I had to leave. Or that's what I believed at the time. I was so hopeless at home. I loved you but I felt like I was a terrible mom to you because I was always sleeping and trying to escape my reality. Your dad is such a good man, Harper. But he wasn't the man for me. I never really loved him the way I love Carrick."

I squeezed my eyes together, willing the tears to retreat, but they didn't. "But Dad..." I stopped and a sob caught in my throat, "Dad loved you so much."

"I know he did, honey," she said, reaching out for my hand, but I pulled it away. Instead I pressed further into Harry's chest as he held me close to him. "I didn't think it was fair for me to stay and pretend to love him and fail at being a mother to you. I wasn't in my right mind because of the depression, but I honestly felt that, if I left, he would find someone better than me, and she would be a better mother to you." My mom and I were both sobbing at that point. I could feel for her sense of hopelessness at the time, but it didn't release the feelings of bitterness and abandonment I felt.

"You could...have told...him," I said, sobs breaking up my words. "You...did...didn't have to just dis...appear." Harry squeezed me reassuringly. I knew it broke his heart to watch this, but I also knew that he wouldn't pull me away right now, especially when I was getting the answers I needed.

"I know, Harper. I look back all the time and wish I'd done it differently. But at the time, the only thing I wanted to do was to escape. So that's what I did. I left with a small bag of clothes, my wallet and an airline ticket that Carrick had bought for me," she told me. "It wasn't easy between us at first either. We fell in love quickly, but I was a mess with the depression, and then the guilt of leaving you and Dad. I had to work through a lot. Carrick helped me to find a good therapist and I worked with him for years. Eventually, he encouraged me to find some kind of closure with you and your dad. I mean, I was already married to Carrick by that time," she ended in a whisper, looking up at me in shame.

"Maire was on the way as well. I couldn't necessarily come back to you and your father, but I had to try to make amends somehow. And of course, I still felt awful about it. I didn't really know how to face him. So I wrote a letter instead, explaining everything. Heavens, it must have been fifteen pages."

I was stunned. Why hadn't my father ever told me about the letter? "I...I never knew about it," I said.

"I know," she nodded. "Your father never answered the letter, so I assumed he had remarried and you had a caring family. At least I knew I'd done the right thing in explaining everything that had happened."

I didn't know what to say. A jumble of words just sat in my brain, but I couldn't put any of them together to form a coherent thought or sentence.

"And then I called years later," my mother continued. "On your 18th birthday, in fact. But your father wouldn't let me talk to you. He said he had received the letter and never told you about it either because you were just getting over me at the time. And on your 18th birthday, he said he didn't want to have you spending the best years of your life trying to contact me or see me or even to think about me."

"I...I can't believe he did that," I said, choking out a whisper. "I mean, why didn't he let me make my own decision about it?" 

"I can't answer that, honey," she replied. "I think he just wanted to protect you."

I was numb. My mother's excuse for leaving seemed plausible, but it didn't make it hurt less. But then learning that my dad actually knew what had happened to Mom and that he never told me. I just didn't know how to feel about any of it.

Finally, I said, "Well, I'm glad I know. I just wished it would have been different. I mean, if you and dad had gotten a divorce, it would have still hurt, but at least I'd know what had happened to you. I mean, I didn't even know if you were dead or alive. And I could have gotten to know my sisters."

"I know, honey. But it's not too late. You can come by the house and-"

"I'm sorry, we can't allow that," Claudia interrupted. She looked at me and said, "There's too much potential for things to go wrong."

"Like what?" I asked, feeling somewhat irritated. 

"She's right, Baby," Harry said quietly. "I know it's very inconvenient now, but we have one more week of the show, and then we can come back and visit when all is said and done with the show."

Claudia threw a hostile stare at Harry. "What have you done?" She asked in a menacing voice. 

Harry straightened his shoulders and said, "I told Harper I loved her and that she was the one." 

Claudia's eyes flared at him, and then at me, as if I caused any of this to happen. She wouldn't dare discuss contracts in front of anyone outside the show, but I knew we had a lecture coming later. At least Harry did. Basically, he wasn't supposed to reveal his final choice until the final episode. 

Glancing past Claudia's awkward stare, I looked at my mother and said, "I'm glad to know how I can reach you now. Harry has a place in London, so it shouldn't be hard to arrange a visit." I walked to her and hugged her again, and as always, she was the last to let go. 

Just before we said good-bye, she dug in her purse and pulled an old photograph out of her wallet. It was taken the spring before she left. She looked so young, with her hair in braids, and we looked like a happy pair. "Do you have a copy of this one?" She asked.

"I think we do somewhere," I said.

She held it out to me. "This is how I'll always remember us. I still love you so much, Harper. I just hope you can forgive me and maybe we can start from where we are now. There's no going back and undoing the past, so this is all we've got."

"Yes," I said softly. My insides were still numb. "I guess it's all we've got." 

_______

I expect a variety of responses to Harper's mom's explanation. But let me just speak from the viewpoint of someone has suffered with lifelong depression and mental illness. There are times when you're going through a rough patch, and you're really not yourself. If you've never struggled with anxiety or depression, it can be very hard to understand, but these things are a real mental illness, not just feeling down. It's something in your mind that you can't always battle alone, so this is what Anita (Harper's mother) was going through when she left. It doesn't justify what she did, but it explains it to some extent.

FYI, Harper's mom is played by her real life mom, Lea Thompson. :)

Also, YAY! I'm over 50K reads! And the other day, I was ranked at 95. Thanks for all the reads, votes and comments <3