Selective memory?

"Die! Die! Hey, where do you think you're going? Come back here, coward!"

That's right. Studies show that our brain has the ability to suppress some unpleasant memories from our consciousness. It's like when we run into some upsetting or embarrassing incidents and we want to forget about them, our brain can erase or alter our memories of those incidents. It doesn't necessarily have to be the whole thing; sometimes, only parts of our memory are deleted. Selective memory is when we choose to remember what we only want to remember. Of course, it's not always possible but it does happen.

"Yes! Take that, loser! Now you know who the real boss is!"

The television in the living room is turned off, and then an exasperated sigh is heard. Dark brown eyes fix on the figure that is sprawled on the sofa.

"Hah, you dared attack me from behind? I'll kill you! Come here!"

Another sigh. This time, it's louder.

"Eh, what kind of lousy attack is that? You still have a long way to go before you can beat me, weakling!"

"Shut up, Poll!" Unable to stand it any longer, Tem snaps at her twin brother. "Can't you play your game silently? Or better yet, do it in your room or your studio or wherever you're not bothering anyone."

Poll stops and lowers his phone from his face to peek at his sister at the end of his feet. Tem is sitting on the floor and leaning on the sofa's front arm panel.

"I am not bothering you though. I am minding my own business here," Poll deadpans.

"Yes you were bothering me," Tem insists, "You were screaming at your phone while I was watching TV. Your voice was too loud that I couldn't hear what I was watching anymore."

"Why are you so cranky today?" Neglecting his game, Poll sits up to properly stare at Tem. There is that urge to ask if his sister is on her period because of her moodiness but the male twin quickly decides against it. He was told it's one of the things to never ask a woman even as a joke. Scratch that, Tem told him that it should not be made as a joke, to begin with.

Briefly, he glances at the now turned-off television before he returns his attention to his twin. "Anyway, I was still able to hear what you were watching earlier, and I'd say it was boring. Why were you watching that? The guy was spouting bullshits. There is no way it's that easy to forget the things that you wanna forget."

"Those people are professionals, Poll," Tem answers, furrowing her brows. "And what they were saying has a scientific basis."

Poll makes a wry face. "Oh yeah? I wish it was that simple to throw away those unpleasant memories, then I could have easily pretended that..." He wavers as he bites his lower lip, remembering the incident at Cloud's place.

Then I could have easily pretended that the jerk didn't kiss me.

If one can even call it a kiss. As far as Poll is concerned, that was more like Eujae's declaration of how much he hates him. He saw it in his eyes, felt it in the way he held him. There was nothing there but coldness.

Poll aggressively rubs the back of his head in frustration. He's been trying to distract himself this whole weekend, trying hard to forget what happened but no matter what he does, the memory always manages to crawl back into his mind.

He flops back on the sofa. Staring at the ceiling, he mumbles, "I should have punched him harder. I really hate him."

Tem doesn't say anything but Poll can feel her staring at him. He waits for a minute before he hears his sister sigh.

"Can I ask you a question, Poll?"

Poll covers his eyes with his arm, muttering, "Aren't you already?"

He feels Tem hesitating as the female twin doesn't immediately speak. And when she does, her words are quiet. "Why do you hate Eujae so much?"

Not expecting the question, Poll frowns. He doesn't bother taking his arm off his eyes as he answers, "I don't know. I just do. Always have from the first time we met each other."

"You don't know," Tem repeats in a whisper, before letting out another sigh. "You two have been like this for almost three years. At first, our friends and I thought it was just some childish fights that you guys would eventually learn to outgrow. Even friends have those moments after all. So we just kept brushing it off, ignoring you two whenever you were at it time and again. But recently, it seems like your arguments are getting more and more serious and we are not sure anymore if we can still keep pretending as if it's nothing but a petty fight."

Poll keeps quiet, listening to his sister, as the female twin continues, "We never really talked about what happened on your first meeting, do we? I mean, all of us know the story. You bumped into Eujae with cans of paints in your hands, spilled them on his clothes, knocked the tablet he was holding, and then accidentally stepped on it, causing it to break. But none of us know if that's all there is to it. Only you and Eujae know the whole story." Tem pauses briefly to emphasize her next few words. "The real story. And we never bothered to talk to either of you about it because, again, we thought you two would eventually move on from it."

Poll lifts his arm to look at his twin again.

Tem has a solemn expression while staring ahead. The staidness matches the quietness of her voice. "In retrospect, a simple sorry could have solved everything." She turns to her brother. "So now I'm wondering why you didn't apologize to Eujae that time, Poll."

"Why should have I apologized to that jerk?" Poll asks, irritated.

"Maybe because it was your fault," Tem answers nonchalantly. "It was an accident, yes, but you still caused him trouble then. And I am pretty sure Eujae would have understood it if only you apologized to him."

At the implication of his sister's words, Poll gets hot under the collar. He sits up again only to glare at Tem. "For Pete's sake, that was years ago. Why are you bringing it up again?" He asks, raising his voice. "And why are you making it sound like it was entirely my fault when none of you were there when that incident happened? You said it yourself; only he and I know the whole story. He was the one who was blocking the hallway. And how can you be sure that he would have understood it if I explained everything and apologized to him? Did that jerk tell you that? I wouldn't be surprised. That asshole loves acting mature and nice to make it seem like I am the bad guy here."

Tem doesn't answer and Poll takes her silence as his cue to continue.

"But if only you saw the disgusted face he made then, you wouldn't have thought that way, Tem. He had this really annoyed expression when he looked at me. It was as if I'd stolen everything from him and it surely wasn't the face of someone who would accept any explanation."

"Still, it's you we're talking about, Poll," Tem replies, "You're the kind of person who'd apologize even if you know the other person won't forgive you, so that time, why didn't you apologize to Eujae? Look, I am not blaming you, okay? I am not saying it was all your fault. It's just that I find it weird that you'd acted like that. Why did you shout at Eujae instead of apologizing that time?"

Poll scowls, but this time, it's more out of confusion than annoyance. Truth be told, he's never given much thought about the incident since it happened. He remembers the paints, he remembers the broken tablet, he remembers the look that Eujae had given him and he remembers the argument in the hallway, but now that Tem is asking about the nitty-gritty of the incident, Poll realizes that he can't recall every small detail of it. Surely, he has not forgotten anything important, right? Perhaps, those details that he can't remember are insignificant. Otherwise, there's no way they'd escape from his memory.

"Maybe I was pissed when I saw him glaring at me so I just yelled at him before he could." But even as he says it, there's a nagging thought at the back of his mind that's saying it's not completely true. Was it purely annoyance that drove him to do that? It doesn't sound right. It feels like he's missing something but he can't place it.

As it starts to bother him, Poll decides to move away from the topic. "Let's stop talking about it. It's not like we can change anything from that time even if we try to figure out everything that happened. I'm not going to apologize to that jerk for something that happened years ago, Tem, if that's what you're asking me to do. And isn't it obvious already? Even if not for that day, there's no way that guy and I would hit it off. I hate him and he hates me. It's always been like that between the two of us. I don't think it's something that can be changed by a simple apology."

Contrary to what Poll wants, it seems like Tem is decided to stay on the subject. The female twin peers at him through her eyeglasses before returning her gaze to the front. "I wonder about that, Poll. I remember the first time I talked to Eujae, I apologized for what happened to his clothes and his tablet, and he told me it's not a big deal, said I shouldn't be the one apologizing."

"If he is that nice and understanding as you guys always make him out to be, why didn't he apologize to me too?" Poll mumbles. Looking down, he starts to play with his fingers. "It shouldn't matter for a nice guy like him who apologizes first, right? Forget about the first day; within almost three years of us being at each other's throats, he's also said some things to me that deserve apologies. But not even once did he tell me he was sorry."

Tem smiles weakly. "That's the thing, right? I believe you and Eujae are both nice, but the biggest problem with you two is that you're equally stubborn when it comes to each other. You're both too proud and neither of you is ever willing to back down. After the first incident between you and Eujae, Risa and I became friends with him while you became friends with Lia. I don't know if you still remember it but we tried getting you guys to talk to each other then but all you did was bicker when you met again. It went on for the following days and, in the end, we just gave up and hoped for you two to get tired of it. But you never did." Tem lets out a small laugh as she shakes her head. "Almost three years and you never get tired of arguing. I don't really get you guys. You say you hate each other yet you can't seem to leave each other alone."

Poll is just about to open his mouth to deny his sister's last statement but the sober expression that Tem sends him makes him stop.

"Anyway, I had a talk with Eujae a week ago and I asked him the same question of why you hate each other," Tem continues, "Do you wanna know what his answer was?"

"What? He hates me because I am immature?" Poll answers with a question. "He can't tolerate me because I'm always acting like a child despite my age?"

"He said he doesn't hate you."

The answer catches Poll off guard. He's not sure what answer he'd expected to hear but it definitely wasn't this.

"What?" he asks to make sure he heard his sister right.

"Eujae said he never hated you," Tem repeats.

Unconvinced, Poll scoffs. "Yeah? And I like celeries," he states sarcastically.

What a joke. He can't believe that jerk would say something like that when it's obvious that he doesn't like him. What else is there if not hate?

As soon as Poll asks the question in his mind, the past discussion in their Philosophy class conjures up. He stares vacantly as he recalls everything that Mr. JP told the class that day.

Hate is just another form of caring. If you say you hate someone, it only means you're mad at them but you still care.

Not giving care means being indifferent. That's why the opposite of love is indifference.

Poll blinks as he tries to connect those statements to Eujae's words to him these past days.

I'm done giving a fuck with you and all your shits.

I don't want to have anything to do with you again.

"Hah," Poll breathes disbelievingly, lips quirking into a bitter smile. He hugs his bent knees and rests his forehead on them. His shoulders shake as he lets out a mirthless laugh.

"Of course," he says, words covered with irony. He understands it now.

Of course, Eujae doesn't hate him. The guy simply doesn't care. That makes a lot of sense.

Poll doesn't know what he's supposed to feel about the realization. It shouldn't concern him this much. So what if Eujae doesn't give a damn about him? He can do that too.

Yet, no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he's unaffected, that it's not like he wants that jerk to care about him, a terrible feeling starts to gnaw at him.

Getting off the sofa, he dismisses his sister, "I'm tired. I don't want to talk about him anymore."

He walks away before Tem can say anything. Just as he enters his room, his phone vibrates, notifying him of a new message.

Upon seeing the ID, his lips curve into a faint smile. The message doesn't make the unpleasant feeling go away completely, but at least, it makes him feel a lot better.

From: Gaele

Hey, what's up? And I hope it's not your blood pressure this time.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Eujae continuously taps his forefinger on his study table as he stares blankly at the words in the book that he's been trying and failing to get himself into this past hour. Resigned, he leans back on his chair, head tilting skywards, and removes his prescription glasses to massage his tired eyes. He stares at the blurry image of his ceiling for a brief moment and feels the wound on his inner mouth with his tongue before he puts his eyeglasses back on. He turns back in front and notices his phone on the table light up.

Knowing he's received a reply from Ten-Ten, Eujae quickly picks up his phone and opens the message.

Ten2: hey to you too. why do i feel like we havent talked to each other in a while? anyway, i wont say that my blood pressure is up but before i received your message i was having an argument with my sister and it kinda made me irritated

Eujae smiles. That's true. A lot of things have happened this whole week that he also feels like he's not heard from Ten-Ten in a long time, although they've kept on sending random greetings and messages to each other on weekdays.

Gaele: Heh, so it's not about the guy you hate this time. Anyway, can't relate to having arguments with siblings since I'm an only child. But what were you arguing about, if you don't mind me asking?

Ten2: nah i dont really mind. actually, we were talking about her friend who also happened to be, yes, the guy i hate. i've ranted a lot to you about him right? but i don't think I ever mentioned that the guy is also friends with my friends. so our friends including my sister kinda want us to make up with each other which is crazy because i dont think thats ever going to happen. i guess they want us to apologize to each other

Reading the first part of the message, his brow raises. That sounds very similar to his and Poll's situation. It makes him realize that it's not pretty uncommon for enemies to have the same group of friends.

Eujae decides not to dwell on it as he is more interested in the last part of Ten-Ten's message.

Gaele: Apologize, huh? If only it was that easy.

Ten2: hm? you sound serious. I could be wrong but that sounds like you have someone to whom you want to apologize. wont you tell me about it? i mean, i dont wanna sound like i am prying too much about your personal life but you know, you have listened to my rants before, even now, and i know you said it was because you love listening but i also wanna listen to you if there's something bothering you. or am i jumping to a conclusion? you dont need to tell me if you dont wanna but I still hope you do

Eujae chuckles, reading Ten-Ten's long reply. Cute. It seems like he'd fumbled for words when he typed it.

A warm feeling creeps on his chest, knowing how concerned his online friend is for him. It is moments like this that he's grateful he listened to Nick's insistence a couple of months ago to try playing a game. And through the said game, he found this precious human being.

He wants to return Ten-Ten's eagerness and sincerity by being fully honest and opening up to him more but Eujae doesn't know where to start. He's only good at listening to people but he's not as good at talking about his own issues. And it sounds like Ten-Ten is already having personal troubles with the guy he hates. Eujae doesn't want to add more to his worries.

But maybe, Ten-Ten can help him answer this one thing.

Gaele: Can I ask you a question, Ten-Ten?

Ten2: wow deja vu. why is everyone asking me today if they can ask me a question when they're already asking me a question? but okay shoot

Gaele: Haha, who taught you to be a smart ass? So I want to know, what if that person whom you hate apologized for something terrible he did to you, is there a chance that you'd forgive them?

Ten2: hey you told me before there is this one person who hates you. could it be that you did something to them and you wanna apologize but you're not sure how it would turn out. you're not sure if they will accept it because they hate you?

Gaele: Why do you have to choose this day to be perceptive, li'l Ten-Ten? So, what's your answer?

Ten2: honestly i cant imagine it. i dont think that guy has it in him to apologize. a stuck-up guy like him? not gonna happen, bro

Gaele: But what if.

Ten2: i dont know. i mean how would i know if it hasnt happened? maybe i'd know if he actually apologized. but let me also ask you a question, gaele, are you planning to apologize to that person? do you want to tell them youre sorry even if you know there is a big possibility that they'd reject your apology?

Eujae pauses as he contemplates what to reply. Does he want to apologize to Poll? He knows he messed up big time and he'd be lying if he said the incident at Cloud's place isn't bothering him at all. He is perfectly aware that what he did was terrible. No, terrible is an understatement. But after all these years of arguing and saying unpleasant things to each other, wouldn't it be weird to say sorry now? And would Poll even listen to him?

Sighing, Eujae finally types his answer.

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Either way, it's not that simple.