He blinked rapidly towards me, trying to let the words sink in. Maybe he guessed before that there was more to my father's death than what was public knowledge, but he never thought that it was going to be this.

Trust me, when I first found out I couldn't even stomach the thought of speaking to mom or going back to his grave. Mom did beg for forgiveness, but you have to understand that I was a teenager who was suffering with her own demons as well. Of course, I wasn't the type to hold a grudge against my mother for something like this.

However, I was overdramatic for a while before I allowed myself to sit down and have a proper conversation with her.

And I was angry at my father. It wasn't right, but I was so confused and hurt that I didn't know what to do. I had no idea how to process everything so my sadness turned into anger.

Then finally, guilt.

I felt guilty for thinking he was selfish. I felt guilty because perhaps I wasn't a perfect enough daughter to make him stay.

That messed me up so much.

Even to this day, all I could feel was guilt. What could I have possibly done wrong?

Scratch that, I didn't do anything at all. That was why he left us.

"I found out on Pat's birthday," I told him, slowly picking out the grass to occupy my hands, "I went into mom's room so I could borrow a pair of earrings from her and I found a letter that was addressed to me."

It had my name on the envelope and everything. Of course, I was curious and so I took it. I opened it and the contents shocked me to the core. Nothing was the same ever since.

"He wrote it before he did the car crash. I wasn't supposed to know about it until I was eighteen or at least until mom knew I could handle the truth."

Sadly, I couldn't. It happened literally almost two months after the incident at the party, I was still shaken by it and was heavily relying on my pills to keep me stable. Anybody could tell that I wasn't ready for that kind of information.

And according to Leon, it was one of three major factors that pushed me to the edge.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer to him, making me rest my head on his shoulder, "It's okay if you can't tell me more."

But I wanted to.

So I took shaky breath, taking his other hand and squeezing it as a way of comfort for me. Instead of talking to him, I went ahead and turned my attention back to the tombstone, "Hey dad, I hope you don't mind if I tell him everything."

And as if he truly heard me, the wind started to pick up and a few fallen leaves landed itself onto our laps. I could almost hear his voice, a sound I dearly missed, whisper into my ear in approval.

"It's okay, sweetheart."

Dad, I love you. You have shown me what it's like to be treated well and while I have a few slip ups every now and then, the fact that I've dated Pat and Leon – who were the sweetest guys you will ever meet – just goes to show that he taught me well.

"That letter broke me." I said to him.

Dear Avery,

Sweetheart, I know this letter might come as a shock to you but I trust that your mother gave it to you because she thought that you were ready. Before everything, I just want to say that I love you. From the moment I first held you in my arms that day in the hospital, I knew that every single breath I take will be dedicated to you. Please don't ever doubt that I loved you because every day of my life, I wanted to show you the kind of love you deserve to get.

But your father's sick. When I was younger, before your mother and I even started dating, I was sick. I had to take medication on a daily basis so the thoughts wouldn't be too much to bear. I tried my best to hide this from you because I didn't want you to worry. You deserve to live your life without having to second think about your every move around me. I want you to throw tantrum when you're upset, I want you to have the freedom to experience a rebellious stage, I want you to go through day to day without tiptoeing around me because you're afraid that you might hurt me.

And I got it. My sweetheart, you have been nothing but the daughter any father could dream of. You have a personality as beautiful as your looks. You laugh loudly without restraint, is so kind to others, and lived your childhood and teenage life with no hesitation.

So I hope that even though I'm gone, you remain the same. I hope that by the time you are reading this, you have found peace.

The thoughts have been too much for me and I couldn't take it anymore. I have made sure that you and your mother are secured for life, I have worked hard to make it possible. All I ask for you to remain kind to her and take care of her.

I love you, my sweet Avery.

With every piece of my heart, Dad.

"When mom found me with the letter, she explained the whole thing," I continued on, "She knew about his disorder but she was so shocked that he went on ahead to kill himself because of it. But she was never angry at him."

Mom was such a strong woman who tried to pick herself up as quickly as she can because she still had me to take care of. And when she talked about dad, it was filled with fondness. She never stopped loving and adoring him, whether he was alive or not.

Even if he left us. Even if he gave her the burden to raise their daughter alone.

"He left us!" I sobbed, tossing the paper onto the floor.

I didn't know how to process the information so anger was quick to creep up.

"Please don't be mad at him," she begged, cupping my cheeks, "He has been so selfless his entire life, this has been the only selfish thing he has done."

Even when she was in so much pain, she was so understanding to him.

When the incident at the party happened, I could see just how much she wanted to crumble. I knew that whenever she saw me, struggling to function because of the mess that was in my mind, she tried to keep a strong face but cried behind closed doors.

But even though I was in pure disbelief when she was explaining, I agreed with her. Dad was so incredibly selfless, he never failed to show that everything he did was really in fact for mom and me.

And that was why the guilt was planted within me for ever being angry at him.

"Do you forgive him?" he asked and the answer was automatically on my lips.

"Yes."

"And you're sure that he loves you, right?"

"Of course."

He then made me look towards him, his gaze so gentle and kind, "Then why haven't you forgiven yourself?"

It was such an armor piercing question that I couldn't help but just sit there in disbelief.

More importantly, how did he know that there was a piece of me that blamed myself?

"How did you..."

"You have that same expression that Pat did when he found out that you died," he told me, leaning down and pressing a kiss on my forehead, "It wasn't your fault, Avery. You gave him a reason to stay longer than he thought he would, I just know it."

Dad, you would have loved Leon.

You would have laughed at his stiffness and wrapped an around him while you told him to loosen up. You would endlessly tease us about our relationship because you instantly liked him the moment you met him. You would trust him with my life because he would have shown nothing but respect to our family.

And if you learned what he did for your daughter, how much effort he placed and how he never gave up on me, you would never want to let him go. He was the kind of guy you always dreamt I would end up with.

"I wish he met you," I sighed, "He would have seen just why I fell in love with you."

Leon looked at me with so much affection that it should scare me. But instead, it washed me in so much comfort.

It felt like we've been together far longer than we actually have.

My eyes trailed to the whistle on his neck and I couldn't help but wonder if I could go back in time and stop dad before he drove away that day.

But then, the original Leon's words entered my mind.

There is no guarantee what timeline you will end up in.

If I do blow on the whistle with the tiny chance that I could go back to the day before dad died, there was no certainty that I would actually end up there. Furthermore, there was also no guarantee that I would return to this timeline.

Was it worth the risk?

My gaze traveled upwards to Leon's gorgeous face and thought about how this man, who also had no guarantees, went back in time over and over again to save me.

He worked hard to reach this timeline and I chose to go back here when I was given different options. There were some flaws here – my father was still dead, Sasha wasn't talking to me, and I almost ruined Zoey's crush.

But I think that this was where we were meant to be.

Perfection was something I never strived for since I've long accepted that it was impossible. However, I craved for the peace of mind.

Although I didn't have it yet, I was slowly but surely getting there.

I have mom, who was the strongest person I've ever known. I have Zoey, she's practically sister and probably my platonic soulmate. I have Mia, who was extremely loyal and taught me so much about enduring friendships. I have Pat, who I dearly treasured no matter what timeline I ended up in. I have all of my friends, who makes day to day life less difficult.

Then I have Leon and I didn't want to imagine a life without him. He was my angel and the boy that I truly love.

This was what dad would have wanted for me, he wouldn't want me to give this all up. Plus, I understand that he has been suffering for so long, far longer than I think I could have managed. Just like me, he wanted peace.

And now he got it.

Leon was right, I shouldn't blame myself for this.

"Avery?"

When I heard mom call my name, I instinctively flinched away from Leon as if she wasn't aware this whole time that he was my boyfriend. Even before I told her, she already got a hunch since he drove me to and from school every day.

And just like that, the mystifying bubble was popped.

"Mom!" I exclaimed, shuffling on to my feet, "Hi!"

She stood there, another bouquet in her hand, with her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as her eyes switched from Leon and then to me.

Right, this was the first time she was going to meet him.

Leon also pushed himself up and before I could open my mouth to introduce him, he went on ahead to do it himself with an outstretched hand for mom to shake, "Hi Mrs. Barber, I'm Leon."

Although he was the sweetest guy, his manner of speaker was still extremely rough. This seemed to confuse mom more.

I think we've all established that he didn't have the most approachable aura. Now, I loved him for who he was but I was hoping that he would at least have a lighter tone when he met my mom.

Still, mom regained her composure and shook his hand, "It's nice to meet you, Leon."

She then turned to me expectantly, waiting for me to address the elephant in the room. So with a sigh, I placed a hand on his arm and spoke, "Mom, this is my boyfriend."

In my head, it felt like we have been standing there for hours when it had only been a few seconds. But as the time ticked by, I saw the small smile pulling the corner of mom's mouth. If anything, she was relieved that she finally met this Leon who I had been talking about non-stop.

"Well, if you could wrangle up my very picky daughter, then I like you already," mom laughed in an attempt to diffuse the tension.

And it worked.

Leon's shoulders relaxed and he started to chuckle along, dropping that stiff tone he used earlier, "It took me a few years though."

This made me wonder how long Leon had been looking me way. He said years, but maybe that was because he did the time travel thing so many times that it practically added up to a couple of years or so.

But I was curious if, before all of this weird whistle fiasco, he already liked me.

Maybe that was a conversation for another time or perhaps, it was a piece of information that I would allow him to keep as a secret.

"And plus, I see you already got my husband's approval."

And just like earlier, a small gust of wind came, as if it was really dad trying to communicate with us. He liked him, I was sure of it.

Mom settled the bouquet she was holding next to the one I brought before turning back to us, "Come on kids, let's go get dinner."

"Me too?" he questioned, pointing to himself. Mom laughed at this and answered him with a nod.

I held onto his hand as we followed behind mom. For the first time, I left the cemetery without a heavy heart. I haven't fully moved on yet but I was aware that this was going to be a long process. However, I think the burden got just a little bit lighter.

Leon told me before that one of the three reasons why I died was because of dad. It was because I carried this guilt with me and maybe in some other lifetime where I met dad in the afterlife, he would have told me the same thing Leon did.

It wasn't my fault.

And who knows, maybe there was a lifetime out there where he lived. Where he met the guy who captured his daughter's heart and approved of him the same way mom did.

But this was the present the I was living in and I was grateful for it.

"So is Avery difficult to like?" mom jokingly asked.

Leon looked down at me and I sent him a silent message that it was alright even if he didn't reply.

Because even I knew that the answer to that.

It was a big fat yes. I think I've mused many times that I wasn't the easiest person to like, much more love. I carried so many burdens and let's just say I didn't have the best personality or attitude in the world.

Please, I never got angry at Pat for breaking up with me because even I knew that I was a difficult person to be in a relationship with.

I still considered it a miracle that I managed to snag Leon.

But to my surprise, he shook his head as I felt his grip on me tighten, "I think it's one of the easiest thing to do."

My mouth slightly gaped and I looked up at him. He didn't meet my gaze since he was still focused on mom, but his thumb started to rub soothing circles on my hand..

"Good answer," she smiled softly. And that wasn't just the teasing kind, but it was definitely motherly. The same smile she shows whenever she sees me with Zoey or when she watched Mia, Sasha, and I getting along.

It was the smile of someone who got assured that her daughter was being taken care of.

Mom had always been worried for me, even when she tried to not make it obvious. But just from that expression alone, I knew that Leon managed to get himself into her good graces.

Hey dad, we're alright. You can rest easy over there.

-------------------------------

Merry Christmas, my angels! I hope you guys enjoy the holidays. Go stuff yourself with food and enjoy what's left of this fever dream of a year. 

I took a break last week because I was, in the simplest of terms, tired and overwhelmed so I wanted to take a step back and it did me a world of favors. Now we're back and better than ever to finish the last legs of this story. 

Two more chapters to go and I can confidently say that I'm not okay. I've grown close to this story and you guys that it's going to be so sad when I end it. But for now, what do you think of Avery's feelings towards her father?

Love you guys and see you all next chapter.