Double the Strife

desire: [dih-zahyuh r]; verb; to wish or long for; crave; want.

    "So are you seriously telling me that I am not allowed to say anything negative about the Percy Jackson movies? You've got to be kidding me, the main guy doesn't even look like his description in the books. Nevermind the entire plot being completely bogus--"

    "Felix!" Jessica cried, "I love Logan Lerman! I don't want to say anything bad about him or his movies."

    Felix shook his head.

    "The only way you can say that is if you didn't read the books."

    Jessica looked down sheepishly and Felix started laughing.

    "You haven't even read the books!"

    "So?" Jessica replied defensively. "I'm still allowed to like the movie!"

    "Not by the standards of any nerd in the history of the world."

    "Except for..." Jessica trailed off, leaving Felix room for what he knew she wanted him to say.

    "Except for my standards." Felix laughed, kissing her. Jessica turned back to the television and Felix continued to look down at her, trying to muster up the courage to say what he had wanted to say throughout their time hanging out.

    New Year's Eve had been two days ago, and Felix had never enjoyed a New Year's Eve countdown more in his life. But the fact remained that it had to be hidden, and it wasn't something that he could share with anyone but his parents. He classified himself as a nerd, but the fact that he could only tell his parents about his relationship was something that fit the stereotype a bit too well.

    "Hey, Jess?" Felix spoke over the movie, "Can I ask you something?"

    "Of course." Jessica replied, turning down the volume and looking up at Felix. "What's up?"

    "I was just thinking..." Felix began to talk and had no idea how he was going to get his message across to his girlfriend without seeming ungrateful for her and their present relationship. "I was just thinking that maybe we come clean about everything."

    Jessica's face didn't show any emotion, and she was silent for a minute, staring straight at the wall in front of her, eyes narrowed and shoulders tense.

    "Clean?" She asked finally.

    "Yeah," Felix continued, "Clean. About us, about how long we've been together and how happy we are together. It would be nice to be public and be able to hold your hand and kiss you and all that...not just behind closed doors."

    "What brought all this on?" Jessica asked curiously. She didn't sound angry, but Felix worried it was leaning in that direction.

    "New Year's Eve." Felix answered honestly. "The fact that we had to hide, in your own house, just to share a kiss at midnight...it just seems like it wouldn't be too big of a deal to come clean about us to everyone."

    Jessica was silent again as she seemed to think about what he was saying. Felix couldn't help but become increasingly nervous with each second that passed without a sound from her.

    "What about your friends?" Jessica finally spoke, "I thought they wouldn't respect you for dating someone like me."

    Felix shook his head.

    "I don't care about that as much as I care about you. I want to be able to see you all the time and be with you whenever I want to. I don't like the hiding, I want to be able to be yours. All the time, in front of anyone, anywhere...just being unapologetically us."

    Jessica smiled.

    "That's so sweet, Felix, it really is." She kissed his cheek. "But I don't think I'm ready. I need to be able to think about it for a little while. That doesn't mean that I care for you any less, because I care about you immensely, but I just want to be able to think about it a little bit. Is that alright?"

    Felix nodded, ignoring the itching feeling in his chest that told him that this was something that shouldn't have to be thought about; that it was something that she should be able to agree to if she really loved him. That any girl, anyone, should want to share their relationship with the world. That anyone would want to be able to be the overly sweet couple that everyone else is jealous of and a bit sickened by. That she should agree in a heartbeat...unless she was embarrassed by him.

    But he didn't say any of it. Instead he just nodded like a good boyfriend should, and smiled down at her.

    "Of course, baby. Whatever you want."

<><><>

    "I need to talk to you."

    Whenever she was going through anything, Jessica knew there was one person she could turn to who would refrain from judgement and simply give her the best advice she could receive. Elizabeth Anastos was one of the only mothers Jessica knew of who would sit down with her daughter and listen without any form of resentment or bias. She would listen and respond in the best way she saw fit.

    Elizabeth Anastos sat on the couch across from her daughter, arms at her side and legs crossed as she leaned forward to listen to what Jessica had to say.

    So Jessica talked.

    She explained about her and Felix's relationship and how she felt like she couldn't tell anyone yet, and how she didn't understand why Felix was suddenly itching to come clean. She talked about how she wanted to be able to tell people but she was inherently worried about her social status that she had worked so hard to cultivate, and about how Sasha had begun to grow suspicious of her best friend's actions already.

    She explained how nothing seemed to be wrong with her and Felix's relationship as it was, but so much could go wrong if they decided to make it known, both immediately and in the long run.

    "Jessica," Her mother cut her off once those thoughts had been made clear, "I do have a question. How long are you expecting to keep this relationship a secret?"

    "Until graduation." Jessica answered immediately. There was no point in continuing the secret afterwards; popularity and social status wouldn't be confined to superficial things like clothing and looks, but instead turn to wealth and job descriptions, both of which she was sure Felix would acquire soon enough, and all of which she pretty much had for herself the second she walked across the graduation stage.

    "I see." Elizabeth nodded. "So what is today...January 2nd?"

    Jessica nodded.

    "So for the next five months--longer than your relationship has been thus far--you're going to pretend that you don't have a boyfriend?"

    Jessica nodded, seeing no flaw in her plan.

    "Darling, I love you, but this doesn't seem like the wisest of choices." Elizabeth shook her head, "You are going to have this conversation with Felix again and again until then, and eventually he may decide that he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him."

    Jessica felt her eyes grow wide.

    "What are you talking about? I do want to be with him, that's why I'm doing all of this--"

    "No, sweetheart, you don't." Elizabeth shook her head, "You want to be with him behind closed doors and you want to be with him when no one else is around to see that you two are wonderful together. You don't want to be with him in front of other people because you're embarrassed. You don't want to be with him for who he is. If you don't want to be with every part of him, you don't want to be with him."

    Jessica sat in silence.

    "Honey, he's tired of living this double life." Elizabeth spoke when her daughter didn't. "Just as you said that Sasha is growing suspicious of you, I'm sure Felix's friends are growing suspicious of him as well. Perhaps he wants to stop the insanity. And remember, him being willing to go public with everything means he's all in. He wants to be with every part of you, no matter the toll on him socially. He loves you."

    Jessica nodded.

    "I know. But I don't know if I can go forward right now."

    "Then don't." Her mother shook her head, "If you can't put your all into it, then wait a few more days, maybe a few more weeks. But I wouldn't wait much more than that, because he could become tired of waiting for you to decide. This double life is clearly causing double the stress, double the pressure...double the strife, if you will."

    Jessica sighed.

    "I do hate when you're right."

    Elizabeth grinned, laughing as she stood to go to the kitchen.

    "It comes with being a mother." She paused, "And probably a successful lawyer."

Hope you guys enjoyed! Also, Dear Sydney is now out in print and available for purchase! Check out the most recent update of Dear Sydney to find out details! It's available on Amazon and CreateSpace.com/6472282! Check it out!

-Katherine