Chapter 21

Jess shared the live video call of baby Ava under the Christmas Tree at the Inn with Lily at the hospital as Ian opened the mountain of gifts for the infant. Watching her family and hearing their happy murmurs from the hospital doubled Lily's self-loathing. She hated the tears that seemed to always leak from her eyes, not looking at the nurse who brought her breakfast and unwrapped her hands. Several of the blisters had ruptured and her fingers were turning darker by the day. She couldn't even bend them to properly hold a normal spoon so she was using one with a fat handle.

"Ewww, don't eat that," Julie's voice broke through her melancholia as she watched Hillary holding yet another adorable dress up to Ava.

Lily realized they were looking at her meal tray instead of her face and was glad they couldn't see her weepy expression. "Why not? It's supposed to be nutritious," Lily said in a falsely happy voice.

"It's Christmas, you need tasty food; nutrition doesn't count today," Jess's voice corrected her. "We'll be there in twenty minutes with crepes and all the good stuff."

The video chat ended so Lily put her phone down. Trying to rub a piece of lint off the tip of her index finger, her fingernail popped off with a slightly squishy sound and Lily screamed. It didn't hurt but having it just come off like that horrified her. A nurse sprinted into the room and she held up her almost black hands.

"It just came off!" Her voice was high and hysterical.

"It's okay, it's okay," the nurse tried to soothe her. "This is normal... They will grow back." She turned Lily's numb hands carefully then said, "I need to call Dr. Harris, then I will bring a treatment tray and we'll take care of this."

Panting, Lily begged, "Please hurry, my sisters are coming and I... I don't want them to see this."

The nurse nodded and rushed out of the room. An orderly came in and smiled at her gently. "Mrs... Miss... uhm, Lily. The nurse says we need to soak your hands. Would you like something else to eat?" She looked at the almost untouched tray.

Lily shook her head, "Julie made crepes for Christmas, she's bringing me some."

"That sounds delicious. We only have four patients on this wing today to the cafeteria sent up food for the staff. One of the perks of working the holiday, the kitchen tries to poison us all."

Her jovial tone made Lily smile as she held her hands like they were fragile.

The orderly took the tray and came back with a pan of warm water. "Just let them relax in the water."

"Can we put makeup on my hands so they don't look so terrible?" Lily begged as they soaked.

"We can't," the nurse announced as she brought in a tray with instruments and gauze packets. "But we will have to wrap them until your nailbeds heal... How does your face feel today?"

"Okay, I guess. I haven't looked at it," Lily admitted. When the orderly and the nurse exchanged glances, Lily cringed. "Is it that bad?"

"I've seen a lot worse. I'm sure that clinic in California will get you fixed up in no time," the orderly volunteered cheerfully as she held Lily's blackened hand, but the nurse didn't look at her as she removed the dead fingernails.

It took less than ten minutes to finish and wrap Lily's hands. "Thank you," Lily said as Julie and Jess came in.

"Special delivery," Julie giggled, "We brought you brunch and a baby."

"Both are absolutely fabulous!" Jess insisted then she glanced at Lily's wrapped hands then at her sister's eyes before saying brightly, "Go ahead and start, I have to help Aunt Evie with the pastries she and Julie made for the staff. Be right back."

"Where's Ian?" Lily asked because he left early to be with Ava when she woke.

"He's having a nap and Jess told the other Hastings to stay home so we could have some sibling time." Julie grinned as Leonard came in.

"I can't believe you made me carry the espresso machine," he complained, "That thing weighs a ton."

Lily looked at them in confusion. "You did what?"

Julie waved her hand dismissively, "I brought it up to the hospital to make coffees for everyone here. It's our gift to the staff and your fellow patients; a decent cuppa and some good pastries. I gonna go hook it up and I'll bring your usual. Leonard, help her eat her crepes before they get cold."

He shrugged out of his coat and Lily almost laughed at the horrendous Christmas sweater he was wearing. Hearing her gasp, he pushed a button on the image.

"Don't say it."

His grumpy face and the neon llama wrapped in twinkling lights made her forget about her hands for a moment as she said, "That's... festive. How many do you have now?"

"Eight. Julie gives me one every damn year." His deadpan answer started her giggling, then her mirth changed into sobs.

"I'm so sorry."

He hugged her as gently as he could, and dabbed the tears from her discolored cheeks and nose. "Shhh, Lil, don't cry. We're here."

"Kitty left," she hiccupped. "I'm so stupid, it's all my fault."

"It's not... She and Jess had their usual row and Julie and I agreed with Jess. Kitty... Kitty just needs time to realize her way or the highway won't work anymore," Leonard revealed. "And you always being either sunshine or gray skies won't work anymore either."

"I just wanted to be happy."

"Life is a mix, there's always going to be sad or bad times mixed with the good times. You can't just have one all the time and then just give up when the other comes." He unpacked her breakfast from a warming bag. Sitting the plate on her tray, he sighed. "You need to eat to heal so you can figure out stuff for yourself."

"How did you do it? After your mom died?"

"I had my siblings." Leonard shrugged then he confessed, "I knew you all loved me, but my pain told me to just give up. I almost killed myself too."

Lily gasped, "You did?"

He held up a bite for her and his hand shook a little as she took it in her mouth. "It's why I left Florida. I couldn't live there anymore. I was drinking all the time, and one night after I got robbed leaving a bar, I decided to kill myself. I went to a place where I knew the alligators were and passed out on the grass. They left me alone. My phone woke me up and it was Julie texting to see how I was. There was a missed call from you. That day I called the suicide number I saw on a billboard. They helped me. I've been sober for two years."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Lily asked then she took the next bite he offered.

"I was embarrassed. I've always known I was the dumb one in the family. It was just another dumb thing I did," he shrugged.

"You're not dumb, you're dyslexic," Lily insisted. "You're smart like Laura, Jess, and Jeff."

He shook his head. "You and Aunt Ava are the only ones who think that."

Julie set two cups on the table and kissed Leonard on the cheek. "And me... Love you." She went back out, not wanting to eavesdrop for more than the few sentences she heard, because if Leonard wanted to tell her later he would. Only she knew he shared Lily's struggles with depression and addiction. She returned to making coffees for the staff, other patients, and their families, sending Jess and Aunt Evie to deliver them to give them more time alone.

Lily watched her leave then shook her head after three more bites. "I'm full." Carefully, she cradled the cappuccino in her hands.

He steadied her hands so she could sip. "You know Belinda was wrong about you. Just like my stepdad was wrong about me... The things they said to us were because they hated themselves and took it out on us... That's what my therapist told me, anyway."

"You're in therapy?" She asked in surprise.

"Yep. I think Laura, Kitty, and Jess are the only ones who aren't in therapy," he gave her a lopsided smile. "Julian... Dad... He messed us and our moms up more than anyone ever figured out, even Aunt Ava. We're all just trying to find a way to deal with what he did and how our moms reacted."

"I'm not strong like the rest of you," her doubts murmured through her lips.

"Lil, you're the strongest one of us all, you just don't realize it."

They sat in silence sipping until their cups were empty then he stood up and picked up her plate and cup. "I'll have Julie froth you a cocoa. Dr. Harris said you could only have one coffee a day." He glanced at Ava asleep in her carseat, then put her in his chair where Lily could see her.

"Thanks, Leonard."

<<@>>

Ian tried to sleep, but then he gave up and began pacing.

Andrew opened the bedroom door. "I thought you were taking a nap."

"I slept four hours at the hospital," Ian announced before his brother could scold him.

"What's wrong?" Andrew asked as he sipped his third cup of the day. When Ian didn't answer, he held up the cup. "Want one? It's Mom's Bolivian blend."

Shaking his head, Ian sat down and put his elbows on his knees. He stared at the carpet in front of his toes. Andrew waited, he had seen Ian sit like this many times since Carly. Andrew's cup was almost empty when Ian looked up.

"I want a drink. Every time I look at my wife, I want a drink because I ruined her. Her cheeks are raw, red with dark gray patches, and blistered. The tip of her nose and chin are turning black like the worst bruise I have ever seen." He wiped his eyes. "But it's so much worse than that. Her eyes..."

"Dr. Harris said she is going to need plastic surgery," Andrew responded, "It's fine, the insurance will cover it. She'll be pretty again."

"I don't care about her being pretty, I care about her eyes, her eyes are empty and when they aren't they are so sad. I remember how happy her eyes always were, the way they shined and I don't even have any pictures of before because I deleted them." He groaned his misery and fear out, "What if she had died? What if she dies? I don't have anything to show our daughter of how beautiful her mother was."

"Ian, don't do this to yourself."

"When the therapist came to talk to Lily, she just stared outside so I did all the talking. Then Kitty came to say goodbye to her... Kitty hates me. Blames me. She told me if I hurt Lily again or ever made Ava feel unloved that I should kill myself because she would kill me slowly and painfully." He looked up at his brother, admitting, "I believe her."

Andrew blinked then tipped his head, "Do I need to file for a protective order?"

Ian scoffed, "No. I deserve it."

"I am not going to let her hurt you." Andrew resisted reaching up to rub his jaw where Kitty punched him only a week earlier.

"She won't have to because I won't hurt them again, but I need help. I can't start drinking again but I can't leave Lily and Ava to go to a meeting. I wouldn't even know where to go here."

Andrew gulped the last cold swallow from his cup to hide his worry, then asked, "Do you want me to find you a meeting or can you wait for one near the house in California?"

"I... just don't let me start, I can make it until we get there," Ian sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

Andrew suggested, "Why don't you call your old sponsor?"

"I can't."

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"No, I can't," Ian insisted, looking completely defeated in that moment.

"You don't have to tell him what happened, just that you're struggling," Andrew insisted.

"I can't call him because he's dead." Ian laid back and stared up at the ceiling, "I called him when Ava was born, and his number was forwarded to another sponsor."

Confused, Andrew asked, "Well, what did you tell the new sponsor?"

"Nothing... I..." Ian put his arm over his eyes. "I had already started drinking." He murmured, "Lily and I are the same, we both run away. She tries new religions, and I crawl into a bottle. Oh, God, how are we ever going to be good parents?"

Not knowing what to say, Andrew stood there until Ian began snoring. 

<<@>>

Day after Christmas...

Andrew's phone vibrated and he walked silently down the hall to his room.

"Andrew Hastings, here." Licking his teeth as he listened to the Tampa Bay D.A., he inhaled silently and slowly. "D.A. Sweeney, I assure you, my client has no intention of fleeing her parole. Her sister has a rare blood type and needed multiple transfusions. Her frostbite is the equivalent of third and fourth degree burns. She is being transferred to a burn hospital and hyperbaric oxygen therapy clinic in California on the twenty seventh and I will be escorting Miss Johansen home on the thirtieth." He listened. "Yes, I continuing the filing for a wrongful conviction... No, actually I think you and I need to have a conversation after the New Year. I do not wish to disparage your office or your conviction rate but your public defenders office leaves a lot to be desired and my writ explains the reasons for the filing." He almost groaned at what the Tampa D.A. said next and insisted, "Miss Johansen and I are in-laws, nothing more... I am not going to dignify that with an answer and you need to not listen to Todd unless you want the bad press of having an accused rapist on your staff. Have a good day." He put the phone down to keep from throwing it across the room at the wall.

His phone chimed with a text message from Jess a few minutes later.

My landlady was just forced to let the police in my apartment after my neighbor reported that someone broke in. She said nothing looked out of place. The police went through my drawers and closet, threw everything on the floor, and took several bags of my work clothes away. Can they legally do that without a warrant or proof of wrongdoing?

Andrew clutched his forehead and texted; No. I'll call for the warrant details.

He drummed his fingers on the dresser top. Breaking into Jess' apartment to trigger a police search and seizure was something Todd would do and had done to harass an ex-girlfriend who he accused of prostitution. He called the D.A.'s office and was forced to leave a message.

"This is Andrew Hastings, the lawyer for Jessica Johansen, calling to let you know that I will be filing a motion to find out why hundreds of dollars of my client's property including her work wardrobe was removed from her home without a warrant. And please let A.D.A. Kramer know, we will be pursuing a restraining order against him. My client already spent months incarcerated for defending herself from being sexually assaulted by him at her place of employment and I will not let his harassment of her continue."

Hanging up, he turned to see Hillary. "Mother."

"Is that why she went to jail for assault? Because she defended herself?" Hillary looked aghast.

"Yes, and knowing Todd's reputation from college, it's true. He railroaded her and made some kind of deal with the Public Defenders' Office to get her conviction because she had no defense. Now, he is having her harassed by the police by using an alleged break-in to have them conduct an illegal search and seizure of her property." Andrew shook his head, "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm going to have to stay in Florida and close to her until I can deal with Todd."

Hillary tipped her head at her eldest. "Do you love her?"

"I think I could. She's amazing. Sexy, smart, funny, and she loves her family like you do," he admitted.

"I'll manage Ian and Lily." Hillary sighed and patted his arm. "I'm not happy that she works as a stripper, but I know from meeting her that she is nothing like that report claimed and if she makes you happy, we'll just deal with the press later."

"Thanks, Mom."