River O'riley

Lord have mercy on my wretched soul.. A crashing wave of testosterone and wicked thoughs submerge me beneath a lustful daze.. I'm in over my head and the water here is way too deep.. This mysterious little wallflower is a pretty pastel pixie that I can't seem to figure out..

Her passive presence, combined with the guilt of what I've done weighs on me so heavily.. The two sides of myself, good and bad are torn apart so that I can barely bind my broken bits back together..

I took a life tonight and traded it for another.. No matter how many times I make the call.. No matter how many times I pull the trigger. It never gets any easier.

Now, out of what I can only assume is fear and pity, she offers me an affection that I couldn't possibly have earned.. Not that I am complaining.

Hell no..

I can't remember the last time anybody felt anything for me.. Even if it is nothing but an obligated indulgence.. I can't deny how good it feels.. How soft her touch is.. How sweet she smells..

Her gentle fingertips caress my cheek as she wipes away my misery and begins to hum, a sweet and familiar lullaby, trying to comfort me in the same way I had coddled my daughter..

But The Wallflower doesn't know.. She couldn't possibly know the insanity I've endured for the last six months.. Ever since my daughter Lovey was born, her life has been loss and I have been scrambling to find my feet.. To figure out how to be a single father trapped in the body of a mercenary agent..

Having kids was never the plan, but now that I'm here, I can't imagine anything different..

Lovey's mother, Amberly, was a dancer down at The Foxxy, one I used to pay to fuck me..

Yeah.. I didn't realise just how fucked I was until she showed up on my doorstep nine months later..

Still, I did everything I could think of to make it right, I tried to work it out with Amberly.. I was supportive of whatever she needed, and would have given her anything she'd asked for..

Alright so I'll admit, no, I didn't love her, but I was willing to try and learn how.. To do the work that needed to be done.

But that work was too hard for Amberley and after Lovey was born, she up and left us in the middle of the night.. And by that I mean she cleaned out the liquor cabinet, emptied my wallet and stole my car keys..

Part of me, the shitty part, is relieved that she is gone, because Lovey deserves far better than that.. But another part of me, the shit-scared, underprepared boy in me is afraid that she'll never come back and I will have to do all this on my own..

Yeah sure, in hindsight I could have done things differently, I could've gone out to bars to picked up women in the way of every other scamming asshole in this city.. At least then Lovey wouldn't be the product of a sinner and a whore..

But I wasn't exactly looking for this.. Ignorantly enough, I actually thought I was avoiding it.

After all, men don't pay hookers for sex.. We pay the lady to leave when we're done..
And that's exactly what Amberley did best.
Leave.

Hell, it's why she'd been my favourite..
Suppose I can't begrudge her follow through.. In fact, I should have seen it coming..

Wallflower smiles at me in encouragement as she takes me in her arms, as if she can sense my suffering and it's nice.. Its too bloody nice..

With her warm hands wrapped around my shoulders and her enticing, waxy scent of velvet and lily I'm am weaked even more..

Shite.. I'm so lost that even a strange, mute foreigner can see it..

She draws back and tugs at my hand and I obey her silent pull as she leads me over to the sofa where she pushes gently at my shoulder, urging me to sit, all without words..

Nah.. She doesn't need any words to capture my attention.. I'm enchanted..

Fuck.. Is that why I brought her here? Just thinking with my dick?
I am going straight to hell for this, no two ways about it..

She sits beside me, directing me down so that my head rests on her soft, slender thighs.. Then she begins to run her fingers through my hair.. Petting me..

Continuing to hum my favourite Bing Crosby song and making me feel like a little boy..

The effect is intense.. Intimate and attentive.. As if she knows all the things I need.. As if she understands the spiteful ache in my chest and how to make it stop..

Soon, my eyes drift close and the fatigue of the adrenaline crash and constant sleep deprivation gets the best of me..

....

I start awake with a sense of dread, the way I always do these days.. Jumping to my feet with panicked eyes searching the crib to see Lovey, awake, and sucking on her binky with gusto as the glinting green of her wandering little eyes fixate on the woodland animals pictured on the inside of her cot..

"Thank Christ.." I mutter in relief as I look around to see that Wallflower is gone..

But she must have given Lovey the dummy to suck to keep her from throwing a wake-up-wobbly.. Otherwise, how else would she have got it?

"Wallflower?" I rasp, my throat dry and my voice harsh..

Maybe I had dreamed her up?

Except no.. Because now as I look around and everything is spotless.. The apartment is so neat and tidy that it's barely recognisable to me..

What kind of angel in heaven has found me?

-TAP-TAP-TAP-

Tinkering sounds from the kitchen drift through the doorway and soon, Wallflower appears with a set of plates in her tiny hands..

She freezes when she sees me, her eyes wide and worried, as though she has been caught in the act of something terrible..

"What are you doin', Lassie?" I ask pointlessly..

She hurries over to the dining setting, pulling out the chair at the head of the small table and giving me a little bow in offering..

I take one more look at Lovey before crossing to join her, taking my seat, twisting to look up at her.."You don't have to--"

She squeaks when a timer chimes and disappears back into the kitchen, returning seconds layers with a plate of plump dumplings which she places in front of me..

My gaze grazes over the feast she has prepared.. Pancakes and pork-buns.. Soup and some kind of spicy chicken.. Lord above it smells so heavenly that my mouth waters.. "You made this for me?"

She begins to serve my plate carefully and when I reach out to stop her fussing, by putting a hand over hers, she freezes.. "You know, I speak over 25 languages, if you would just talk to me, Wallflower, I could tell you that you aren't here to serve me.. I don't know why you're here, but it ain't this.."

She chews her cheek, sinking to her knees beside me.. "Master."

"What? Ney, stop that shite, get up.." I try to pull her to her feet but she raises her hands to protect her face, an almost expectant fear..

I slump back in the seat.. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Wallflower.."

She peeks at me from behind her hands.. "P-please keep me.."

English.. She must speak at least some..

I suppose that serves my presumptive ass right..

I stumble to keep up with her stilted request.. "Keep you? No--"

"Can't go back.. Won't.. Please, Master." She speaks in short broken sentences and bows forward as she begs, her soft pink strands falling over my boots..

"Don't call me that!" I snap, anxiety rising in my throat as I clamber to my feet and move to put some distance between us.. "What the fuck is this?! Go back where?"

She shakes her head, reaching up to rub at her tattoo.. "Can't say.. Can't go back.. Please, Master.. Mercy." She crawls forward to beg at my feet..

I gape at her, unsure if she means what she is saying or she is simply confused.. "What does that mean? Mercy? What are you beggin' me for?"

She blinks up at me, those sweet almonds burning with desperation, pleading on repeat.. "Please.. Please, Master, mercy!"

I sink back into my seat and my stomach turns as things become just a little clearer.. I recognise in her something I have in ingrained within myself.. Conditioning..

The way she responds on command, the way she calls me Master, it is all in her conditioning.. I see her behaviour for what it is, a trained response of some kind..

"Tell me your name, now." I order instead of ask, this time, disliking the taste of the tone in my mouth..

Her worried eyes dart around before landing on my left arm, the blue dragon, flames and Lily flowers catch her attention.. "Lilly." She lies..

I can see her dishonesty as plain as day, and it irks me that she would lie.. But I let her have it.. If she doesn't want me to know her name, then there's not much I can do about it.. I'm not going to torture it out of her. "Tell me where you come from, Lilly."

"Don't know.. Can't say." She rocks and repeats in a self soothing motion, shaking her head.. "Don't know.. Can't say."

"C'mon.. Stand up." I offer her my hand to pull her to her feet..

She slips her trembling fingers into mine with wary apprehension..

"Now sit.." I point to the chair beside mine and she moves into place..

"Eat something.." I tell her and she wavers nervously..

Christ.. Wherever she has come from must have controlled everything, down to her calorie intake..

"Do it." I tell her and reluctantly she starts to serve herself a plate, only a quarter of the size of mine..

"More." I insist before she can put down the serving spoon..

She piles her plate higher to match mine.. "Eat all of?" She asks, simple and soft..

Fucking hell.. Now she thinks I am force feeding her for my own sick entertainment.. "I'm not-- No-- Eat until you're not hungry anymore.. Don't make yer'self sick.."

She picks up a pork bun, tearing off a piece and bringing it to her plump lips.. She chews, nervous yet ravenous, soon shovelling the bites in faster and faster..

Satisfied that she won't starve to death in my home, I pick up my fork and begin to eat..

Christ alive... It's bloody delicious.. Aromatic and rich, I could lick every plate on the table clean and still want more..

After a few quiet minutes, I try talking to her again.. "Thank you.. For this and-- uh.. Cleanin' and all.. But I wanna make it very clear to you, Lilly, I'm not your Master. I'm not anybody.."

"I can not stay?" She blinks at me desperately..

"Stay? I don't think that's a good idea-- I mean-- Isn't there somebody looking for you.. Family, friends?"

She shakes her head.. "Only Master."

"Who is that?" I put down the fork to focus on her cryptic clues..

Her eyes fall to her lap.. "Can't say.."

"There's a lot you can't say huh?" I hum quietly, returning the thw meal, chewing on the moorish peppery chicken, peeling though the questions that plague me..

"Don't want to die." She replies in a mousy whisper, pushing the food about on her plate with a butter knife..

"And if you talk, that's what happens?" I keep my air light in an effort to keep her talking..

She nods..

I am not equipped to be dealing with any of this.. A baby.. A traumatised woman.. A messed up operation.. "Lilly.. I'm sorry but-"

"I will give myself--" In an attempt to convince me, she stands and begins to unbutton her floaty pink sundress..

Like a bull in a China shop I knock over a glass of water and the cutlery clatters as I jump to my feet, turning my back because the glimpse I catch of her bare flesh beneath is already too much.. "No, no! Jeezus, stop it!"

She circles the table, crossing her hands over her chest, fidgeting with her buttons as she blinks up at me in confusion.. "I can please, Master."

My back teeth grind.. "Jeezus fuck.. Ugh, stop calling me that.."

"I call you what?" As she pushes the hair out of her eyes I can see nothing but need.. She needs something, but I don't know what.. All I how is I sure as shit don't have it!

"River.. My name is River."

"Oh. Yes." She blushes.. "River.."

Softening to her sweetness, I blow out a calming breath.. "I can'nae let you stay here, in this house with my daughter and not know anythin' about you, Lilly.. I just can't.."

I want to help her.. I know that I should.. A few months ago, it wouldn't have been a question.. But now I have to think about more than myself.. It's not about what I want anymore.. It's about what Lovey needs..

She looks over to the cot.. "Lovey?"

"Yeah, that's Lovey.." I nod..

She takes a step towards the baby.. "I see. I will go." Suddenly she sobs, striding quickly towards the front door, slinging it open and disappearing down the stairs..

"No-- Lilly! Wait!" I chase after her, stopping on the first floor landing to see her tearing barefoot down the alleyway across the street..

"Fuckin' grand effort, lad.." I scold myself, infuriated by my stupid phrasing..

Pulling out my phone to call my landlord, Nessa, I know that I am about to pay dearly for the favour.. The woman absolutely hates me on account of the consistently late rental payments, but she never says no to the extra money when it's on offer.. "Nessie, Darlin' i'll pay ye' double to come back downstairs rite'now.."