River O'riley

... THE NIGHT OF THE FULL MOON ...

Sitting on the cramped sofa in Deytons cluttered apartment, Amberley clings to my side, wrapped in one of her brother's tracksuit jackets.. Her blonde hair a mess of blood and glitter, her whole body convulses in intermittent tremors as she comes down from her rolling-high and the adrenaline crash takes hold of her..

Deyton brings her a beer from the fridge, holding it out, uselessly offering it to her.. But she doesn't move.. She doesn't let go of my arm..

I nod to the table, and he sets it down watching his sister carefully.. "Hey Ambeetle?"

She looks up at him.. "What?"

"You're good, bug." He tells her what she is, stiff and militant. Treating her the way the machine had treated him when he was down.. He doesn't ask her.. He orders her.

"I'm f-fine." She finally releases her vice-like hold to wipe her nose on the back of her hand, not bothering to fix the black smudges of her makeup that streak her cheeks..

Deyton lets out a bored sigh, taking a seat on his bench press.. I dunno if its his meds or what, but his attitude is pissing me off.. The flat monotone and passive indifference to what had just happened is borderline sociopathic.. It's a good thing the man's got a shrink, because his head ain't right.

"Yer' not feckin' fine, Amby." I glare at him.. "You could'o gotten yer'self killed.. What were ye' thinkin' taking a job in that place?"

She leans into my side and sniffles.. "I needed the money, River.. I tried to to tell you--"

I scoff.. "Is that why you came to my apartment the other day? Drug money?"

She shoves away from me.. "Whatever.. You were too busy with that Chinky ho to hear me out.."

"Hey! Watch ye' mouth." I scold Amby for her shit-talking and Deyton laughs mockingly, speaking in a high pitched mimicking whine of his sisters voice..

"I think the words you're looking for Bug are; 'Thanks River, I'd be raped and slaughtered in a Chinatown gangbang if you hadn't come to my rescue'."

He changes his voice to a deep, shitty imitation of mine next.. "Then Riv, you say, 'Uh anythin' for you Amberley, I'm your little bitch boy, here lemme just bend over so you can fuck me some more!"

I roll my head back, biting down so hard my back teeth grind.. "Lord gimme strength."

Amberley ignores her brother entirely, opting to explain how she found her way into such a stupid situation.. "A few weeks ago I met this guy.. A Marine like you, Riv.. He lives down by the old railway, likes to make movies.. He said he wanted to introduce me to his friend and that I could star in a few films.. He always paid so well, like twice what I'd asked for.. So I-- I went to this guys apartment a couple times and everything was fine.. When his friend called I thought it'd be the same as last time.. He told me we were going to drive over to the set together, I didn't even think about it-- I-- I didn't know where we were going until it was too late.."

As she talks, she becomes more steady, more like herself.. "His friend turned out to be a total sicko, wanted to torture me on camera, and when I said fuck no-- everything changed.. Those other Asian guys showed up.." She leans forward, scooping up the beer to swallow it whole, draining the bottle before she lets out a belch disproportionately dainty to the act..

Deyton scoffs, seeming to be without any sympathy.. "Ugh.. You're so fucking dumb."

I mean sure, he's right.. What Amberley did was dangerous and incredibly ignorant.. But rubbing her nose in it as a means to punish her seems pointless..
She already knows that she made a mistake..

She behaves like a fool, but she's no idiot..
It's not like she wanted any of this to happen..
It's not like she woke up and decided to subject herself to torment..

She acts out when she feels cornered, but who can honestly say they don't?

Surely not me..

I had been cornered into acting out the night Beckett forced me to choose between him and Frankie..

So, here I sit, trapped in my glass house, unwilling to cast the first stone..

"Judge not lest ye' be judged.." I shake my head and Dey scrubs an exasperated hand down his face..

"You don't know her like I do, man." He argues with me, but he's wrong.. I know Amby alright.

Whether she realised it or not, all her secrets have already been exposed to me.. I know what she likes and what excites her. I know what makes her angry or sad.. I know what she is afraid of and how she will react.. Well-- most of the time..

I know all this, because I've read between the lines of everything she's ever said to me trying to understand her..

Sure, the drugs have made her more unpredictable and reckless but beneath that, she is still the same woman.

I shake my head.. "Christ Davis, Shut ye' feckin mouth! Yer not helpin'."

He holds up his hands.. "Man, you're that special kind of stupid.. Bug ain't never gonna stop getting herself in trouble.. She's just like her mama.. Aren't ya, Ambeetle?"

She wipes her eyes.. "Yeah, well at least I'm not a fucking psycho. You're so fucking pathetic you can't even kill yourself, you try to make a cop do it! I'm not the one wearing prison jewellery around my ankle."

I look up.. "Fuck, Dey.. You're on LoJack?"

He points to the GPS tracker on the table.. "I took it off.. Dumb fucks.. Think they'd know better than to slap that shit on a techie.."

I disregard Deyton.. "Amby, tell me about the Marine you've been seein'.. What's his name?"

"Dylan.. Benson? Bennett?" She scrunches up her nose, trying to remember..

"Beckett?"

She nods.. "Yeah.. Dylan Beckett.."

"Christ, Amberley.." The hits just keep coming, I shouldn't be surprised.. It shouldn't shake me the way it does.. How could she be so fucking stupid?!

"Do you know him?" Amberley gapes at me..

I shrug.. "I did.. Dylan Beckett's dead."

Her stunned innocence quickly gives way to frustration.. "This is your fault?"

I scowl at her.. "Like most things Amby, this is OUR fault.. I can'ae be responsible for you when all ye' do is tell me lies.. That's not rite'."

Now knowing what I know about the pair, It seems unlikely that Beckett targeted Amberley because of me, otherwise Li Jun would have known who I was and what he had right from the start.. He would never have called me, looking for Frankie.. He would have just killed me..

If he knew who Amberley was, he certainly wouldn't have wasted his time making torture tapes with her.. He would have used her against me and I wouldn't have been so successful in taking him down..

I get the feeling that I was supposed to go down that night.. Whatever Dylan was doing, he needed Johnny out of the picture and I was gonna be the fall guy who took the blame..

By an inconceivable stroke of bad luck on her part, Amberley had stumbled into this mess all on her own.. Same as me.

But in doing so she had given me the element of surprise and a lucky opportunity to take out the Triad Mountain Master.. A chance that I couldn't pass up..

I don't know what game Dylan was playing with the Triads, but he was in bed with Jun in one way or another.. How and why remains to be seen.. Unfortunately for me, I'm the one who has to see it.. "I need to see them, Amby, the tapes ye' made with Beckett and his buddies.. Do you have copies?"

She nods.. "They're on a disc in my locker at The Foxhole.. Mel has the combination, she'll give it to you.."

I cringe internally at the idea of watching the man I had murdered fucking the mother of my child on film.. But I have to be sure it was him.

I have to know what he was doing setting me up, setting Amberley up.. Setting The Triad up..

I gotta know his game.

And maybe a part of me, my enraged ego, wants the punishment of seeing another man achieving things I couldn't.. Or the validation of knowing he failed to meet expectations I had set.. I can't guess what the tapes will reveal to me either way and I don't particularly care to examine the weirdly painful parallel the idea causes..

Amby glances tiredly over at Deyton with disgust as he resumes his workout, apparently unaffected by what we've just done.. "I can't stay here, River.. He's such a dick."

I'm surrounded by fucking headcases and it's going to drive me insane..
Maybe I already am..

"I'll take ye' home--"

"I--I can't go there either.." She rakes her hands back through her messy hair.. "I got evicted.."

"Lord, Amby ye' don'ae make it easy, girlie." I groan.. As if I don't already have enough on my plate.. "I'll figure summit' out."

I move to stand but she grabs for my hand, not letting me leave.. "Riv?"

"Aye?"

She lowers her voice, not wanting Deyton to hear her.. "Thank you-- for coming tonight.. You're the only person who would stick their neck out for me.. You always were.."

I nod towards her useless brother.. "That's not true.."

He might be a messy fucker, but he loves her.

He wouldn't have come with me tonight otherwise.. He just has his own damage, and a lifetime of looking out for Amby has worn on him..

Hell, I've only known the woman for a year or so and she has twisted my life inside out..

She grimaces.. "Pfft.. That asshole?"

I have to agree.. "Aye, better him than none.. Why don't ye' go get ye'self cleaned up? I'll take Lucy home and be rite' back.."

.....

An hour later I'm walking Amberley from the car up to a River Vista apartment block, deep in the central streets southbank..

Unbelievably, I'd managed to find an unlikely place to take Amby where she'd be safe.. And just maybe, some people who might understand how to help her in ways I can't..

"You're sure about this Riv? I mean, Cherry fucking hates me.." Amberley lags behind, taking half steps and I have to slow down so that she can keep up..

I laugh off her assertion.. Really, I don't think Cherry feels much for Amberley either way.. She just can't understand Amberley doing the things she'd done.. Neither can I.. "No she doesn't.. Cherry doesn't think nothin' about ya, Amby.. The world doesn't revolve around ye', ye' know.. Maybe if ye' tried bein' a wee bit nicer--"

"She called me a satanic succubus." Amberley laughs dryly..

"O'Aye? Did she?!" I snort with uncontrollable amusement, grinning down at her.. I can't believe Cherry said that, though I should have probably expected it.. "That's a good one but, ye' gotta admit!"

"Yeah.. I had to look it up, but it tracks .." Amberley grumbles in irritated agreement.. "I don't know why you're friends with her.. She's such a bitch."

I shrug.. "I dunno.. I'm friends with everyone, Amby.. Is that such a bad thing?"

She steps around me up onto the first floor landing, turning to face me while she has the added height advantage of the stairs.. "Oh I know exactly who your friends are."

I fold my arms, eating up her ridiculousness.. "Amberley Anne Davis, are ye' actually JEALOUS?"

She sniffs.. "Go fuck yourself."

I chuckle.. "Aye, there she is.. For a second I was wonderin' if I should take ya to the doc to get ye' head checked--"

"Ugh-- I hate your stupid face!" Without warning she takes a hold on the front of my jacket.. Clenching the fabric in her fists she yanks me forward, pressing her lips against mine, blind-siding me with a possessive kiss I hadn't seen coming..

My body reacts refelxively, recoiling before my brain can even make sense of the attack.. The way she grabs at me is desperate and dirty..

I feel used and not in a way that I like..

No.. I fucking hate it..

"Nnn!!" I grab her shoulders, peeling her off me.. "Christ Amby! Stop.. Ugh!"

I wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve feeling sick as she glares at me. "If I was jealous, it wouldn't be of Cherry.."

"Who then?" I step by her to continue up to the second floor, wanting to get this night over with.. Wanting to go home.. To Lovey.. To Lilly..

Goddamn, my body aches..
I'm tired of this.. So fucking tired..

"Whoever it is you're fucking." Amberley spits her surly grievances beside me and I can practically hear the roll of her eyes in her voice.. "How is your little Geisha girl?"

"Ney, c'mon now.. Don't talk like that.. Do I really gotta explain to you how fucked up that is? Ye' know I'm an immigrant, rite? Do you know how many times I've been called Mickey or had some prick make a shitty joke about potatoes? How would you like to hear that your Flori-bama arse is nothin' more than white-trash?" I talk to her like she is a moron, because that kind of nasty rhetoric is so ignorant I can barely hear it without it turning into bigoted white noise.. Really, it just pisses me off, and I'm working too hard to keep my calm to listen to all of Amberley's juvenile jabs.. "'N I'm not fuckin' anyone, Amby, not that it's any of your goddamn business who's in my bed."

"Yeah right and hell has frozen over." She folds her arms, not following me another step until I acknowledge her.. "I just can't believe how fast you replaced me."

I stop with an exasperated sigh.. "I didn'ae feckin' replace ye, Amberley.. Ye' left me behind with OUR daughter to figure it all out on my own.."

"But I'm back now.. I told you I wanted to talk and you threw me out! And now you're saying you're not going to get rid of her.. That's why I have to stay here.. While your latest flavour of the month stays with you."

I shake my head.. Killian was right about one thing, Amby seems to think things can somehow go back to how they used to be.. But they can't.. Even if they could, I wouldn't want them to.. Not for anything. "Christ, she's not a flavour, Amberley, I care about her-- Whatever - - It's not even about her.. It's about you.. I don't trust yeh', Amberley.. And ye' really can'ae blame me for that.. I've given ya so much rope and all ye've done is try to hang me with it.. Until ye' can recognise that, we're never gonna agree."

"So it's over.. You don't want me anymore.. Just like that?" She refuses to accept responsibility like usual and I struggle to keep myself in check.. All the explanations in the world won't get through to her, because she doesn't want to hear them.. I might as well be speaking another language..

"It's over, Amby.. You ended it the second ye' walked out on me.." I run my hand back though my hair and sticky blood comes off on my fingers which I then wipe off on my jeans..

Shite..

I thought I'd washed most of the Triad blood off me at Deyton's place.. Though, to be fair, I've been juggling a lot tonight.. Seems like I just keep finding disaster everywhere I go.. "But if you're really honest with yer'self, babe.. I think you want somethin' else.. Not me."

She frowns.. "I don't know what you're talking about.."

"Really? You're gunna keep lyin' about Melody?" I smirk at her.. "All those rules for you to break-- I bet ye' loved that."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" She huffs in exasperation, as if talking to me is torture..

"Ye know what makes me a good sub, Amby?"

She smirks.. "That big dick?"

I frown at her flirting.. "No.. It's not cus I'm anythin' special.. It's cus I understand what a Domme wants.. I took the time to figure you out.. Mel took the time to figure you out.. But you.. Everything ye' do is for ye'self.. You understand how to take control, but ye' have no idea what it feels like to give it up.."

Her jaw twitches from side to side.."I don't get off on that--"

"You're still not hearin' me, Amby.. Not everythin' is about you Other people have needs too, rite'? What about when I needed you? Ye' weren't there.. What about Mel? If you want dominion over somebody, the least you can do is treat them respectfully when they give it to you.. Fuck-- ye' really do me' head in, Lass!"

"Oh, so now I'm a bad Mistress?!"

I shake my head, quieting the storm in my centre.. "What ye' are, is unbelievably selfish."

"You don't think I know that?" She turns her cheek, quieting herself.. "Deyton was right, I keep doing this, I always fuck everything up.. Just like I did with you.. I don't know what's wrong with me! And now, I can't even go back to the club.. You said it yourself, I broke all the rules."

I scoff at her unwillingness to apologise for her mistakes.. Not just to me, but to Melody too apparently.. "Aye, ye' can.. I already asked Mel if she'd give you another chance.. Ye' don't gotta burn every bridge you cross Amberley.. If ye' leave a couple intact, ye' can always go back.."

I feel like one of those burnt bridges, suspended, charred and left on shaky foundations by Amberley's ambition to ignore everything that makes her unhappy..
But I'm still standing..
I'll still support her, if she'll let me..

"You spoke to her for me?" Amberley blinks her big blue eyes in surprise and for just a second, I see the vulnerable side of her.. She covers it quickly, but it's enough to remind me of her humanity..

She acts like she doesn't give a fuck..
But I know somewhere inside her, there is a lonely little girl who feels everything that she pretends doesn't scare her..

I nod.. "I know ye' want me to be the bad guy, Amby.. And I get it, Lord knows I ain't perfect.. But for whatever it's worth.. I do care about ye'-- in my own way." I take her own expression, the words she had said to me only a week ago and apply them to her..

She smiles tightly, keeping her cards as close to her chest as ever.. "We're such a mess, Riv."

Amberley and I were never supposed to be together.. But we were supposed to meet..

She is meant to be in my life, because without her, I wouldn't have Lovey..

How I feel about her isn't love and it isn't hate.. It isn't respect and it isn't pity.. It's something else, somewhere in between..

Complicated and chaotic..

Maybe I'll never understand her.. Maybe we'll never be friends.. But I don't want to be nothing to her.. Because I don't want Lovey to be nothing to her..
In all this time, she still hasn't asked me about our daughter.. She never does..

Why doesn't she care?

I could almost forgive Amberley all her flaws, but that one.. It cuts me so deep.

-KNOCK-KNOCK-

Shoving my anger aside, I agree with a half smile as I step up to the door and knock.. "We're a fuckin' disaster, babe.. But if you want my help-- if you wanna get clean and maybe we talk some about what happens next, I'll be 'ere."

She shifts uncomfortably.. "I'll think about it.."

"Rite'." I suppose that's all I can expect of her.. And even that might be asking too much..

The front door to apartment B opens and we're greeted by the strangest of couples.. Danny Kendrick, Cherry's father, a man of maybe fifty, with silver streaks through his fiery red beard grins at us, his blue eyes burning with cheery excitement.. I suspect the opportunity to do his self-reliant daughter a favour doesn't come around all that often and from everything I know about the old guy he owes her more than a few..

Beside him stands his blonde bombshell of a girlfriend, Lexi, half his age and a dancer down at Melody's club.. If you asked me why these two were together, I wouldn't be able to explain it..

I honestly have no idea how the old goat pulled such a fine lassy and managed to keep her.. All I know is I need a little of whatever voodoo it is that he's got..

They both beam with welcoming smiles as we impose ourselves on their peaceful Wednesday night in..

"Eyy, yeh' poor littlen' cm'in'ere will yeh' an'wel 'av yeh sorted out n' all eh?" Danny's extends a hand to Amberley, with his sloshing Derry accent spills into my ears and I can't help but grin.. My ma was from Derry, that slow lazy slur is familiar like an old book I've read, a favourite song or a childhood scent that takes me back in a way that is bittersweet and nostalgic..

Maybe that's why I'm so fond of his daughter.. When she talks, I can almost hear Isla's voice..

"Uh-hi?" Amberley however, can't understand a word he says as she shakes his hands.. She turns to look up at me with utter confusion and disbelief that the man is speaking English.. "Uh, what did he just say?"

Lexi laughs, translating with ease.. "He said 'come in'.. Hey Ambz, it's good to see you.."

Lexi hugs Amberley tightly, giving me a thumbs up behind her back as I mouth the words 'thank you' with a breath of relief..

Somehow, by some miracle, Lexi had been the one to help Danny stay clean and sober.. If she could work just a touch of that same magic on Amberley, I'd give the woman my left kidney..

As the two ladies wander away into the living room, Danny elbows me in the ribs.. "Argh, I'll take care'o yer wee' crackhead love, don'nae worry me'boy."

I warn him.. "Aye, she seems sweet 'n all now but in about an hour she's gunna start jonesin'.. You won't recognise her."

He nods.. "I seen it all 'n all of'itt I seen, sonny.. She'll be alriye'."

I nod, turning to leave.. "Thank-ye', Mr Kendrick.."

He follows me out onto the landing.. "Ay, tell me' wee' sugarplum I miss 'er.."

Danny smiles wistfully at the mention of his daughter, though with something stern in his tone.. Clearly he is wanting to communicate to me just how grateful I should be to have a friend like Cherry.

And I am.

"Yes'sir.. I'll tell her."