Frankie Xiao

.. the next morning ..

... THE NEW DAWN ...

I wake from a nightmare that I wish I could just forget with a sudden jerk, sitting bolt upright in the empty bed..

The foggy memories of a damp and dusty basement begin to fall away and my mind clears, slowly adjusting to the sharp transition between the dreaming realm and reality..

"River?" I whisper, smoothing a hand over the place beside me where he had slept, the sheets now empty and cold..

What had happened last night?
The drunkenness..
The burning..
River's admissions..

My heart feels like a pincushion, stuck with love-laced needles.. River had said that he loves me, and I couldn't help but lay there for hours after he'd fallen asleep, satisfying myself to the sound of those words as they replayed in my mind..

I felt so urgently alive with need when he said them and my body made demands of me like never before.. I had created my own earthquakes to relieve myself from the overwhelming squeeze felt at the heart of my femininity from hearing him speak such unravelling uncontrollable thoughts..

But then, I also remember what I had done to him in the bathtub..

The way his skin caught fire.. The way he held himself together through the pain and whispered to the heavens.. He gave to me the gifts of a goddess.. The power of control..

I told him I didn't like it..
But that was a lie.

River made me feel like he needed me.. He needed me so badly to do for him what he can't do for himself..

To turn off the tap.

He hurts, all the time.. I see it in his masked winces and hear it in his sharp sudden breaths.. He aches and agonises..

But I can make it stop.
Me..
When he burns.. I burn with him..
His hurting hurts me.. And his relief fulfils me..

The sigh of grateful pleasure he had made when I turned off the hot water, refusing to burn him any longer.. It gave me a dizzying rush..

Power.. Control.. Curiosity.. Escape.. Freedom.. Devotion..

I lied when I told him I didn't like it.. It made me want to hold him and kiss him, it made me feel dangerous and alive..

I died inside when River told me I had to go back home.. After he promised not to send me away and said he loves me, why would he want me to leave? How can that be what is right?

I can't admit out loud my oceans of joy that Li Jun is dead.. The satisfaction of knowing I will never again see his terrible face..
But most of all, I am afraid of what it all means..

Who am I?
Where do I belong?

My head swims with all these pointy, poking thoughts which I try to swat away looking over to the cot, I see that Lovey is gone..

I slide from the mattress to my tippy-toes, wandering down the hallway to find them both there, laying on the living room floor.. River on his back, Lovey on his belly..

"It's a beautiful morning." He doesn't look over at me, nodding his head instead towards the balcony.. "You should go see it, Wallflower.."

I circle nervously around him, making my way to the glass doors, sliding it open to step out into the sunrise.. Golden yellow and apricot pink, soft and sparkling..

He is right, It's a beautiful morning.. The air smells so good outside, like magic..

River breaks my meditation when he growls from the living room floor.. "I was thinkin' maybe you'd wanna go out today?"

I turn in the doorway.. "Where?"

"Anywhere.." He shrugs..

I shake my head.. "I don't know.. Last night--"

"Aye.. I don't uh-- remember what I said Lilly.. But I'm fairly sure it wasn't great.. I shouldn't have gotten so drunk."

"You shouldn't have killed Li Jun." I hum unconvincingly.

He sits up, scratching his head.. "Ah, fuck.. I told you that?"

I nod.. "You-- you don't remember?"

He frowns and tries to recall.. "No.. I-- I don'ae remember much after comin' home.."

"River.. I hurt you.." Tears prick my eyes and I hastily wipe them away..

He picks up Lovey, groaning as he strains to his feet, his aches paining him terribly.. "What? No you didn't, baby.."

I sniffle.. "You said--"

He crosses to meet me, leaning against the balcony door.. "What did I say?"

"You said I punished you.. For bad things.."

He swallows.. "I did?.. Fuck.. I'm-- I'm stupid.. Forgive me."

Lovey squirms, reaching out for me.. "Hi baby!" I smile, taking her for a lovely morning cuddle..

Oh how I love our morning cuddles!

Her chubby cheeks become round as she smiles up at me, immediately going for my pink hair.

"Lilly.. Last night was.. It was a fuckin' mess.. I was a mess.." River draws my attention back to him and I notice a new kind of apprehension in him..

"You said you are heartsick." I reach up to brush his hair back into place.. "You sang to me about it"

He frowns.. "I uhh-- know the song.. I dunno why I'd sing it to you.." He moves away, tuning his embarrassed eyes from mine.. "My mother used to sing me that song when I was just a wean.."

My heart leaps.. River really hasn't mentioned his family before.. I know nothing about where he comes from other than a few peices here and there I have gathered, which now seems unfair since he knows so much about me..

"It was a lovely song.." I smile in comfort, because I adore it when The Tiger sings..

River nods sadly with a far away smile.. "She was a lovely lady.. Her name was Isla.."

He takes my hand and leads me over to the balcony table, pulling out a chair in the shade for me and Lovey to sit.. "I'm gonna tell you the truth, Lilly.. The bad bits.. The ones that aren't in Qing's book.."