I corrected my lehanga and looked at the entrance of this open space waiting for him to come. The wedding was on, and Ashima and Bhaskar were seated on the mandap as the priest was chanting mantras. I was anxiously waiting for my husband who has been deadly quiet since I woke up.

When I woke up, I saw him sleeping on the couch. I immediately blamed myself because I was sleeping in the middle of the bed, covering most of the space. I woke him up and asked him to lay down on the bed and sleep for a few hours more. Surprisingly, he meekly nodded and changed his sleeping place. He did not even remove his shoes which surprised me because he can't sleep in tight clothes.

Having enough of his absence, after a few minutes I called him. He picked up a few rings later.

"Hello..Adya?", his voice sounded sleepy.

"Hmm...why are you still not here? Are you still sleeping?"

It was way past his breakfast time.

"I'll be there in ten minutes."

Exactly after fifteen minutes, he appeared dressed in the white kurta that I left for him. Around his neck, was a heavy red embroidered drape that he carried very effortlessly. He looked pretty attractive to be honest. And consciously or unconsciously, we've been wearing matching clothes since my own dress was heavily embroidered red. I was hesitant about wearing red but it was Ashima who wanted me to look like a new bride on her own wedding also.

He came and stood beside me, a seemingly solemn look on his face. What is really wrong with him? He doesn't seem like his usual self.

I signalled a waiter and he brought a cup of tea for him.

He picked up the tea and sipped on it.

"You are late.", I commented after a few minutes.

He looked at me for a second, and his eyes softened considerably.

"I am sorry. I couldn't sleep last night. That is why.."

I looked down apologetic, "You know you should have woken me up. I slept reading a book on the phone. I know the couch was not comf..."

"I slept just fine... don't worry.."

"Did you drink last night? Or some girl tried to make a move on you?"

That amused him for the relief to my heart, "Everybody knows I am taken."

"Those were strippers. They don't care."

He chuckled, "Someone among the boys pranked you all. There were no girls. Only men."

"Ohhh..", And I spent my time worrying that someone may hound on him. He was looking good in that suit.

"They why are you so down? Did something happen back home? I haven't talked to..."

He looked at me, dare I say fondly, "You worry yourself too much. I talked to Ma. Everything's good."

"Then why were you down?", I asked. Now, he's trying to act like everything is fine.

He stared at me for a few seconds, not responding to my sentence but soon took my hand in his, "I'll tell you soon. Focus on your friends wedding for now."

I looked away and tried to take my hand back but he didn't allow.

Ashima and Bhaskar were now taking pheras, and I looked at them reminiscing my own marriage, which made me smile. I was so full of hope and happiness despite everything wrong between us. I had hoped that once 9we will be married, we can mend our differences. But our differences, they were too big. They are too big.

"Adya?"

"Hmm?"

"Where is your Nanaji's house here in Jaipur?"

"About 10km from here. Why do you ask?", I asked curiously. I wanted to go there but he may not have time. We've already been away from Nainital for about ten days now. I can't ask more of his time.

He hummed, "Do you want to go there?"

Ofcourse I do.

"Don't you have to go back to Nainital?"

"A substitute doctor is there at the hospital. Plus I barely ever took leaves since joining. My senior don't have any problem with me being here for a while."

I almost grinned at that.

"I'll call the caretaker to prepare for our arrival. When do we leave?"

"Uhm...as soon as Bhaskar and Ashima do."

*

I bid a tearful bye to Ashima, who was crying as well. She had no sisters and we both complimented each other pretty well. But now that we both were married, and even when our husbands knew each other, it would be hard to be as involved in each other's life as we liked.

I was packing my bags and he was packing his, as we have to check out in an hour.

He's been quiet since we had our last conversation and Bhaskar promised that they would visit us in Nainital after their honeymoon. Bihan smiled at him nodding as if nothing was wrong between the two of them. Their exchange made me uncomfortable too. I tried my best to stay away from Bhaskar which was not very difficult. Unlike many people, I do not enjoy feeding onto his insecurities. I'll gain nothing by making him jealous. But he'll definitely gain the idea about how wrong he was about me.

Soon after, I was smiling as I witnessed the familiar road to my Nanaji's house and then the very beautiful house. My Nanaji's house was a two storied house where my grandparents spent their whole life. While dying, my Nana transferred the deed to this house in my name. It had just two rooms, and a guest room. When I came to live here, he gave me one of the room, while another was his abode which I have preserved securely in his memory. I came here before my wedding with my parents to distribute my wedding card to some of our very dear neighbours here.

The guard opened the gate as the car went in towards the pavement. I got down as soon as the car stopped and inhaled the familiar smell that kept me sane for those few difficult years. I came here out of anger, and then as I stayed, I discovered a completely different world. The world where I knew how to love and value myself.

The caretaker opened the door for us, and Bihan came by my side, and we entered the house looking at the spanning dining room before us.

"Please get comfortable kids. Moni would be bringing tea for your both."

I nodded and asked, "Are all the rooms cleaned Baba?"

He nodded, "All the rooms are cleaned. And we have kept everything of your need in the rooms."

I looked at Bihan only to see him scrutinizing everything with rapt interest. He was busy eyeing Nanaji's picture, which was hung on one of the walls. By then, I instructed the caretaker to keep our bags in the guest room.

"Show me around..", he demanded once we were alone in the hall, and so I took him to my Nanaji's room, and then mine. Nanaji's room was a more spacious, elaborated room with Jaipur crafts hung on the walls, alongside their pictures. I went forward and lit a small Diya near my grandparents picture. I joined hands gratefully, and saw him following suit.

"What did you mumble before my grandparents?", that intrigued me because he has only ever met Nanaji when he visited us in Delhi. And my grandfather did not approve much of our friendship. He did not have any specific problems with Bihan, but he just said that 'boys and girls can't be just friends.' I always fought him on this subject and he always challenged me that one day, we both will either marry each other or elope in the dark of the night.

He won his challenge finally and the last time I came here, I brought a ton of his favourite chocolates as a compensation for loosing the bet we had. I then distributed those chocolates in the slum situated in the outskirts of the city.

"I thanked them for taking care of my thing."

"What thing?", I asked hoping he wouldn't address me as a 'thing'.

He looked at me and probably read how I will eat him alive if he answers me the one answer that I want to hear, and at the same time, not that way.

"Something...", he mumbled and then left the room abruptly, "Show me your room.."

I begrudgingly followed him out and we went across the corridor to my room. When I opened the door, I instantly felt calmed with the same familiar warmth that surrounded me. This room was my sanctuary, away from this man. Not that he has to know it.

"Wow...Not so Adya-like. But it is cool."

The room was pink and purple. I instantly hated the theme when my Nanaji revealed it. It was too girlish. But I did not admit it before him because I did not want to hurt his sentiments. With time, I started liking the ambience.  And soon after, I fell in love with this room. Nanaji called this room my 'nest'.

This room had a single bed, fit for a nineteen year old. And was rested on one of the corners with a flower and leaves canopy surrounding the head. My teaching set up was also there on one of the walls because I started it here only. Another wall had a huge shelf that had all the books of this world that I wanted to read, or already done with.

"Franz Kafka? I can see him from here..", he commented going towards the shelf.

I went towards my bed and sat on it, sighing.

"Keep them back on that order only. Don't mess them up.."

He only hummed as he started searching for something. And then his pointer finger stopped on one of the books and he pulled it out, opening it.

He opened the cover page and I saw him becoming still as he skims his eyes over the page.

Curious, I left the bed and went to his side. I had to repeat his actions as I realised what book it is.

I attempted to take the book from him, only for him to move away hastily and going towards the window.

This book, which was a compilation of Letters of Franz Kafka to his lover, Milena, was a gift from him on friendship day. It was me who insisted him to gift me this. And it was me, who forced him to write a special message for me on the first page of the book. He went a step ahead and clipped a Polaroid of us beside the note.

The message on the note was-

'Hey my dear best friend,
Although you forced me to write this, but I mean every syllable when I say that you are my most precious person. I promise I'll never stop loving you. And you don't dare stop loving me too.
  - Yours,
     Bihan.'

Why I remember it word by word? Because for the years he was not with me, I read those lines everyday before going to sleep. So I really don't stop loving him.

"Keep the book back Bihan..", I felt my throat constricted. This room holds my pain too. When I silently cried for him. And I don't want him to see that and feel the satisfaction of my love, when I am sure he must be hating me there.

Our Polaroid was a picture of us, back in college where he had his arms wrapped around my shoulders and I had my tongue out because I didn't want to click a picture. I hated this picture and so to tease me, he put it there. But when he was gone, all I could see in that picture was his comfortable embrace that I longed to feel. Then and Now.

I cleared my throat, "Keep the book back. Our tea will be served in the guestroom."

*

"You sleep here. I will be sleeping in my room. If you need something call me, or call the caretakers. They'd be downstairs."

I saw him halting all his motions at my sentences. And then he looked up as if I betrayed him.

"Why can't we sleep together?", he asked exasperated.

I sighed. Isn't he the same person who slept on the cold floor on our wedding night only to not sleep beside me??

"Bihan...I miss my room. I want to sleep there but the bed is too small to accommodate two people. This room is more comfortable. So you should sleep here."

He did not argue further, but I knew he wasn't pleased. Moreover, he was tensed. He's been acting strange since the morning and I don't know what to make of it.

Finally, I laid in my bed, looking at the familiar ceiling on my room, counting the flowers on the design above.

Bihan. Bihan. Bihan.

These were all my thoughts when I lived here. But my Nanaji taught me how to not resent him for leaving. He told me how everybody has their reasons and everyone is doing right in their own perspective. We only have to seize opportunities and keep our love above everything when the time to test comes.

This was my motivation when I recieved the proposal of marriage from his father. I decided to keep our love and friendship above everything. But now, knowing his reasons, and ideas about me, I am forced to rethink my decision. I should have contemplated more. I should have confronted him. In the one and half months of our marriage, we are still the strangers who married without knowing each other's heart.

I thought it will take him a moment of love to break his walls. But he has cut all the bridges that lead to me. He only thinks of me as a mode to repair his relationship with his father. That's what he said.

  - he also said he did not mean it.

It was past midnight and I was having a war with myself.

Soon after, I felt the door to my room open. The lights were off but the decorative night bulbs were still lighting up the room just fine.

I looked in the direction only to see him entering with quiet hesitant steps. He closed the door behind him and then slowly walked to the bed, to me.

My eyes were wide open. And as much as I was wondering what he was doing here, I did not open my mouth.

The subject of the war between my mind and my heart was here. Do we tackle him? Or do we welcome him?

"Adya?"

I only hummed in response of his call.

"Idhar so jaun main?", he breathed his question as if asking permission. But I knew he was asking only for the sake of asking. He wants to sleep here and none can stop him. Not even me. Not that I would.
(Can I sleep here?)

The bed was small but I still shifted closer to the wall. The space left was little but he still somehow squeezed himself beside me.

We've been sharing bed for a pretty long time but never have been this close to each other.

My breath hitched when i felt his upper arm making a contact with my breast. Think decent Adya...he didn't mean to touch you there. -I reprimanded myself and closed my eyes, trying to sleep.

His warmth was a welcoming comfort.

"Sorry for occupying your bed...", he mumbled not sorry at all.

I rested my hand in the little space between us, already feeling all of him against me.

"Don't fall off the bed..."

My words made him turn and he faced me smiling. Now he was on his side.

"I wouldn't."

We conversed through eyes then, for a few minutes. It was beautiful looking at him up close, sharing a pillow. I guess our hearts were having a conversation of their own. And I couldn't help but be glad about his presence beside me.

I do not remember exactly when sleep took over, but sometime later in the night, I woke up to find myself all over him.

My head was resting on the crook of his neck, and hands were holding him tight. He was in the middle of the bed, no fear of falling down. One of my leg was between his two. His own hand, on my waist, was holding me in place and another held my hand.

When I wiggled and moved to study my position, his hold tightened on me. I stilled in my place and gently rested my head back at its place.

I've felt twice like I belong here. Right here. Once, when I hugged him for the first time when I was still 19. And after all those years, now, right at this moment.

I should give into this comfort? Is there a point fighting it all? What if he hates this in the morning? But then why did he come here? With all this questions swirling in my mind, I slept again, not caring of the consequences.

*

The voice of my phone ringing shook me. But when I moved, I realised I am not the only one awake at this moment.

Looking up, I saw him wide awake, analysing the situation we were in. I kept my hand on his chest and supported myself to sit up. A red hue must have covered my cheeks because I could feel the warm sensation. My phone was kept on the other side of him, but he made no attempt to pay any heed to it. Instead, he kept on looking at me like he's seeing me for the first time. Unfortunately, I myself did not know how to break this trance. The phone kept on ringing and quietened after a bit. Probably done with trying to wake us up. Because even when we were wide awake, our situation was not allowing us to break through the dream world.

I am startled, visibly, this time when the phone starts ringing again. This time, he uses his brain and picks the phone from the table beside him, giving it to me.

It was my mother calling. I talked to her for a few minutes updating her about our whereabouts and all, all the while feeling a burning gaze on me. He had rested his head on his arm, but kept looking at me like I am going to run away the moment he blinks his eyes.

Once the call ended, I cleared my throat to divert his attention.

He did look away, but then said, "Don't make me sleep away from you. I can't."

I wanted to slap back a retort about how he wanted to sleep away from me in the start of our marriage, but the gentle look on his face stopped me.

  - Don't always keep spitting fire on him. He is your husband!

I remind myself and get down the bed.

"Sleep more if you want to. We only have to laze around all day."

"Then come here...where are you going?", His words make me halt my movements. Isn't he being a bit too bold, asking me to sleep beside him?

I gave him a sharp look, "Why?"

"What why?", he asked amused. He was enjoying irritating me.

I shook my head, "I am not going to be your comfort pillow.."

His lips tugged up and he lazily sat up.

"You do not really have a choice. We took seven vows ar..."

"It was not among the vows..."

"Some things are avoided being said in the open in front of all the families. Doesn't mean we wouldn't do them. So...be my comfort pillow? Pleaassee.."

I shook my head, "Earn it!", and then left the room to get ready for the day.

*

We planned to stay in but then he decided to see Jaipur. I took him to few forts, Jantar Mantar, Hawa Mahal and we did a lot of shopping. He was pretty much interested in clicking pictures so I didn't really stop him. He never liked pictures but now he's trying to 'earn it' by pretending to like all the things that I do. So I took the advantage of this situation and took him for a lot of shopping.

He was exasperated by the end of it, when we finally settled in a luxurious restaurant, that suits his taste.

"Are you done now? Or we have something else to buy?", he asked rubbing his forehead.

I smirked, "I was thinking what if we take gif..."

My words halted when he showed me his hand, "We are not taking anything for anyone. We will go to Nainital straight from here, so we are not going to meet anyone from home. Save it for another time."

"You'll bring me here again?"

He narrowed his eyes, "Isn't that house yours?"

I nodded.

"So?"

I just shrugged. I'll be glad if we come here frequently. This house was close to Nanaji's heart. And I'd like to take care of it.

We placed orders and I started talking to Ashima who was blabbering all about her honeymoon. When the call ended, I sighed.

"What happened?"

"She's going on and on about her honeymoon. Apparently Bali is the best place for vacation in the whole world."

He lightly nodded and looked on, "Where would you like to go?"

Our order was here, and I took a sip of the mojito that instantly calmed my parched throat.

"For what?", I asked.

"Honeymoon?", As soon as I registered his words, I started coughing loudly because the mojito choked me.

He was instantly by my side, rubbing my back furiously.

When I calmed down, he went back to his place.

"You are planning to kill me?"

He looked at me strangely, "The thought of going on a honeymoon with me is so strange??"

I huffed, "Tell me one thing now...why the sudden change of heart?? You were the one who did not want to share the same space as me...do you remember lying on the floor to not share a bed with me?? And now honeymoon? Are you serious?"

He looked like a cat who was caught stealing a cookie. My words did make him halt his movements. He started twirling the food on his plate, probably contemplating on the answer.

I got busy in my own food. The answer to my own question was probably him seeing Bhaskar getting married and so no threat now. But I know that is not the reason. I cannot blame him for something I know he wouldn't do. He only lets his insecurities rule over when he behaves irrationally.

Once we were done with the food, we walked out of the restaurant. I was glad to have the last word and yet I wasn't.

My mind has never been so messed.

On the way to the car, I spotted a ice cream stall but the fact that he looked in some kind of daze, stopped me from asking him to take me there.

I moved in the direction of the car, only to be pulled back, "Ice cream.."

I rolled my eyes but a smile threatened to make its appearance. This is why I married him. He knows what I want. Always.

When we got our icecreams he asked to take a walk along the road.

I agreed and noticed him coming to the side of the road, and leaving me near the footpath.

There were a fair amount of vehicles but Jaipur has never been as crowded as Delhi. We kept on walking till he finally decided to open his mouth.

"It may look strange to you...as you call it the sudden change of heart. Yes, I planned to never cross your ways because I was afraid of what I will do if you looked at me with indifference in your eyes. I can bear everything, your anger, your rage, your harsh words. But I cannot take you looking at me with unfamiliarity. But when Papa put before me a chance to forever be in your life, I couldn't deny. I had that 'change of heart' that very moment. I decided I'll marry you and make you mine. And we'll have a whole life ahead of us to sort out our differences."

His answer was reasonable and it somehow made my traitor heart flutter. This was something I wanted to here and I guess we both are on the same page...

"Then why did you behave badly with me after our wedding was fixed...or even after that??", I complained.

He sighed, "You can say I was being a fool. Showing my resentment towards you by treating you that way. Hoping my words would hurt you like your 'No' did to me. But everytime you lost the light in your eyes after our arguments, I felt immense pain in my heart. That pain was even worse than staying away. I can't carry on like that. Especially when I saw you crying that day, because of me, my soul literally left my body. Y_You are everything I have...and if I lost you, I'll... I'll never be able to tolerate myself."

As he said the last line, I could sense the heaviness in his voice. For once I felt it was good he doesn't know how I had a deadly accident when he left. There was a chance of my death and us never meeting again. I know he'd hurt for days if he gets to know that. But can I hide that part from him for long? He's my husband. That accident is in my medical history. He will know about it some day. But all I can do is delay the inevitable.

We crossed the road together. Or more specifically he was the one helping me cross. Probably out of habit. Or may be he thinks I still don't know how to do it.
I learnt it. The hard way though.

Our hands were clasped together, and they had to part when we settled in the car. But once he was in, I took hold of his hand again. Ignoring all the warning bells ringing in my head. This felt home. He felt home.

I kept looking away from him and anticipating the moment he'll take his hand away. But he didn't. The car started, it moved and we were on the way to home, but he didn't take back his hand. Instead, he intervened our fingers together and kept our clasped hand on his thigh.

I sighed to myself feeling utterly content. The subtle exchange between us was probably the most intimate we've ever been with each other. We have held hands. But we have never held hands like this. With these feelings in the heart.

*

Tonight, he was on my bed even before me. Yes we had two full sized bed in the house, but still we were lying in this single bed.

I only said I want to reminisce the old days, not break my bones. But he's hell bent on sleeping here.

"We will be fine. Don't act like a spoilt brat who only needs a comfortable bed to sleep. Life is uncertain. What if we loose our jobs and have to live in a one roomed apartment with a single bed? So get used to it.."

Yes, he was a doctor with specialization in several branches. But when it came to giving excuses, he was pathetic.

"Okay...but I'll sleep towards the wall so I don't fall."

He smiled cheekily, "I wouldn't let you fall."

The day was tiring and I yawned as soon as my head hit the pillow. Seeing this, he turned on his side to face me.

"You're sleepy..?"

"Ofcourse I am."

"Yeah...but what about the gifts you wanted to buy. Should we go shopping?", he was teasing me.

I gave him a side eye, "If I agree, then you'll cry."

"Shopkeepers would be gone home by then..."

"Oh don't worry... there's a 24×7 mall facility here..."

He looked horrified for a moment which made me smirk.

"Don't mess with me."

I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep, only to startle again when I felt a finger caressing my cheek.

"What are you upto Bihan?"

"Your hair...", he took one strand and tugged it behind my ear, "...it was on your face."

"So?"

"So I was trying to prevent it from disturbing your sleep."

I smiled sarcastically, "Look how deeply I am sleeping right now. All because of you.."

He chuckled, making my own lips tug up. His fingers which were on my hair didn't retrieve but carried on their journey. He soon started massaging my scalp and god! i couldn't help but smile.

When he took his hand two minutes later, I frowned, "Don't stop."

"Seriously? I am sleepy too."

"You can sleep after me.", I took his hand and kept it on my head, "Now continue..."

Although he protested initially, but he didn't really stop. And soon enough, I was on my way to the dream world where my husband's hold was keeping me warm.

*

It has been a week since we were back to Nainital. We've fallen in our usual routine. He went to the hospital daily while I restarted my online classes. It was all going good. He is now extra attentive towards me and is back home at time. He leaves after we have breakfast and comes way before dinner. We have began talking more, mostly comprising of him teasing me for one thing or the other.

Ashima sent a lot of pictures of us from the wedding and I couldn't help but be surprised at how fine our pictures were. My dear husband looked happier, if we excuse the pictures of the wedding day when he was specifically low. I loved looking at those pictures. My life had started resembling how I wanted to live with him.

"Adya? We should make this one bigger..."

"Huh? Which one?", he was pointing towards a certain picture.

I looked in the laptop to find a picture of us, where he was standing behind me with a smile, and I was looking down shyly. We were in the yellow attire. The haldi day. What stood out about this picture was that his right arm was around my waist holding me securely.

Ashima joked about how in love we look. What I didn't know was him smiling at that.

"Ashima was right. You look in love with me."

He said making me hit him on his arm, "She said that about the both of us, not specially me."

"Was she wrong?"

I shrugged, "Was she right?"

Both of us stared at each other, waiting for the other one to answer. Because this love we were talking about is the different love that we had for each other all those years back. May be it is the same. I don't know.

But this love gives me a longing to kiss him, something I never had before. This love makes me want to delay the mornings only so I could spend more time in his embrace. Whereas before, even our hugs were purely platonic. This love makes me want to consume him and myself. Whereas before, we only wanted each other to grow.

I guess he had the same turmoil clouding his head. And so we probably decided together. It was a hazy moment. I don't know who initiated or who gets to win the credit of our second kiss, but when our lips met, I had my answer about how different this love is.