I heaved into the toilet one last time— causing more pain and a shattering bout of coughs— just in case I still had anything to throw up.

More.. Leave nothing in there.. Bleed..

I sighed shakily as I stepped back into my room, bending down to pick up the weights littering the floor..

But I couldn't pick them up.

Fucking weak.. Useless..

I was trembling and my arms had become nothing more than pieces of molten pain stuck to my body.. Which, may I add, was also hurting.

Pathetic bastard.. This is what you deserve..

I glanced at my alarm dully, shrugging when I read the time as 4:17am. I'd lifted weights longer than that before.

Doing a quick calculation, I realised I still had about four hours to sleep, two, if I could actually fall asleep fast enough.

You don't deserve to sleep.

Pulling off my shirt and pants I slipped under my covers. Panting slightly from the sudden stillness, I squeezed my eyes shut.

And I felt the first tears of the day leak out the side of my eyes.

Because, again. They didn't notice. Again they didn't check in when they heard the constant clanging coming from my room. And again they didn't come in when they heard my screams.

None of them did.

They don't give a shit if you die or not.. Selfish of you to think they should.

Rubbing at my flowing tears with one hand I shoved my blanket in between my teeth to muffle my cries with the other.

I felt the pain blossom in my heart and stomach from holding back my screams and I felt the way I slowly curled into myself as it got worse and worse and worse.

Stop crying, you pathetic idiot..

I couldn't breath through the blanket, even though I knew it made no difference.. It's not like they'd hear me anyway. 

And even if they did. It's not like they'd do anything about it..

When the tears and muffled howling had finally been forced back inside, I spat out my blanket. Although, my tears may have stopped, the suffocating pain was still there.

You deserve worse than this. Death. You deserve to die..

Opening my phone to distract myself from the voices in my head I noted that it was now 6:27. And I knew today was one of the less tiring episodes. 

No harm to myself this time.

Scrolling through Instagram, I made the mistake of looking at my old dm's. And I knew, now that I'd done it, I would torture myself by going through each and every one of them.

Yeah, what did they have to say about you?

It was all really the same things I heard at home, and at school, and.. Everywhere I went and stayed for longer than ten minutes really.

Hey freak, how's the trip in psycho land going? 🤪

Whats the newest thing you done? Stabbed yourself!? Not yet? Awh should have. Next time buddy, next time. Update me when you do tho, Oh sorry, you'd be dying LMFAO

Finish the job dickhead. I don't see the point in you being alive

Hey I want to hurt myself, any tips? Heard you were the best person to ask lol.. Wait my bad, ur probably overdosing as we speak😂

The rest of them all had the same vibe.. And the same sting behind each stabbing letter and each cutting joke.

I took in a shuddering breath and yelled in pain as I pegged my phone against the wall. I couldn't breath as I felt myself shaking again..

"Stop it!" I whispered harshly, and then again, this time sitting up and holding my stomach, "Stop it.."

I sobbed a little please at the end.. Who was I expecting to listen? No one. I didn't expect anyone to.

I glanced at the alarm again. 7:50. I didn't have time to sleep.. Making this the third day in a row with no more than four hours of sleep in total.

You don't deserve sleep. Sleep is for those that deserve it. Not freaks like you. Sorry, not freaks.. A freak like me. 

"Awesome!" I spat as I carefully stood up, still feeling the world tip as the blood left my head. "This is exactly why they made coffee"

I dragged myself to the bathroom and took a quick shower.

Bless my skin color and general complexion— The only two things my parents gave me that hasn't let me down— I looked like I'd managed to sleep all night.!

Or uh, most of the night at least.?

Pulling out a new pair of cargo's, a grey t-shirt and a hooded coat, I slowly got dressed.. Almost falling over a few times when my head went especially light.

Maybe a handful of pills will help keep it that way?

I moaned as my arms burned when I forced them into the sleeves of my coat.

But after almost ten minutes of struggling— getting dressed with barely functioning arms takes more time than you'd think— I was finally ready for Monday.

At a new school.

Because a bastard like you can't hold a position, no matter where you go.

I groaned.

"I need coffee.." And I did, because after a strong hit of caffeine, that toxic sludge version of my own voice in my head will finally be banished.

...

Standing at the door that would open me to the assault of my home life, I morphed my features into one of neutrality.

Or at least, as well as I possibly could considering I'd just cried for about— I checked my phone to be exact— two hours and thirteen minutes.

Pathetic little wretch..

When I was satisfied with how I looked, I opened the door and stepped out onto the tiled floor.

Now see, what I didn't take into consideration, was that I was going from heated flooring to icy tiles. Bare foot. 

And as a result of that stupidity it drew a sharp cry out from my mouth. 

Not liking it at all, I raced back into my room and pulled on my black converse. I don't know why I hadn't already done that.. It seemed lack of sleep was really getting to my head.

Try burning them next.

"Thank you, god, for shoes.." I mumbled walking back out, ruffling my hair as I closed the door.

Turning around to walk down the stairs, the fogginess in my mind made me completely miss the sound of footsteps coming behind me., And I only noticed when it was a little too late.

"Agh—!" I gasped as my little brother slammed his elbow into my stomach.. Hard.

Should have hit you harder. Broken ribs! Fucking bleed!

"Watch where you're standing idiot! Made me touch you.. Stupid bastard." Rory spat, punching me just to make a point.

Harder! Harder! Harder! Stop breathing..

"S-Sorry, didn't... Didn't hear you c..coming" I gasped out through the pain. Somehow, despite having a solid body, Rory still managed to hurt me..

Coward.

 Weak, pathetic, dirty, Coward.

Rory didn't spare me a glance as he went back to gazing at his phone. And I coughed knowing that the day had officially begun.

You think you deserve to be fucking looked at? How characteristically.. Selfish.

Waiting till Rory had made his way down the first flight of stairs, I followed suit.. Thinking how, for a 15 year old, he was quite strong.. Which was good for him I guess..

No, you are just weak.

I fixed my shirt as I made my way down the two flights of stairs to the first floor.

When I got down I heard the laughter of my family coming from the living room and quickly plastered on a smile.

"Oh Cole, hey. You look well rested!" Mom said. 

Sure, it would have stung if she had looked at me and said it. But she wasn't even looking at me, so it hurt a whole lot more.

"Yeah I slept straight eigh—" I hadn't even finished when she burst into a round of giggles at something dad showed her.

"My bad, were you saying something?" Dad asked me. Again, without looking at me.

I swallowed the burn of tears and grinned, "Nah it's okay," but no-one was listening by then anyway.

Haha, you think they care?! Die you selfish bastard..

"Oh well," I sighed and made my way to the kitchen for my first shot of black coffee, no sugar, no milk, but water and a whole lot of monster..

Maybe you should fucking poison yoursel— Finally.. Some peace and quiet in here. Oh look! It's my voice in here! My non toxic actually normal voice.. I rolled my eyes.

Once I'd drained the mug of acid tasting coffee, I made myself a bottle full of the same thing to take to school.

Rushing out the door to my car, I checked the time on my phone, 8:17. If I raced the lights and beat them, I'd make it in time to—

I didn't.

...

I growled at my phone showing me the time as 8:39— as if it was at fault here and not the goddamn traffic lights.

But then, getting angry wasn't going to make me any earlier so I may as well just get this first day done.

Using the maps around the school I made my way to the office, making sure I had my least intimidating facial expression on.

Which, to say the least, was still fairly intimidating. But it was better than my resting 'I'm going to slit your throat and then mine' face.

Once I had found the office I smiled at the lady in the front desk. "Hey, I'm the guy that was supposed to move here today?"

Oh, I should've guessed she knew who I was already. Would have at least put a buffer for the coming sting.

"Oh you're that brat that paid his way int—" she muttered, except I have good ears so I heard it. 

She must have realised because she slapped a hand over her mouth, "—Oh dear," and avoided my gaze.

"It's okay, I get that a lot, it's fine" I shrugged to hide the fact that what she'd said had actually hurt, a lot.

"No no I should know not to speak so harshly. I'm really sorry," She whispered.

"It's fine okay?" I glared at her "Relax"

I quickly neutralized my expression when her face twitched in fear. "Can I please have my locker number, and timetable? I'm already quite late"

"Oh yes of course, my bad.." she chirped, oozing guilt ridden cheeriness. Then once she'd gotten the things she needed, she fired a sugary smile and waved me away.

"Thank you" I mumbled as I made my way to the exit. The day had already started as crap. And knowing my luck? It's probably only going to get worse.

I kept my head down as I walked through the school corridors to the locker hall. Only putting my head up to search for my locker.

There was no one except me and— Oh there's someone else here?

And that someone was standing in front of my locker? I scanned the numbers again to be sure. And I was right. The boy was standing in front of what was supposed to be my locker.

It was then that the boy noticed my presence, albeit jumping ten feet in the air in surprise, taking a moment to catch his breath.

"What the fuck man? How long have you been standing there? I didn't even hear you coming?" he spluttered.

"Oh uh my bad, just got here. I just uh.." I gestured awkwardly at the locker, "yeah.."

The boy cocked his brow and glanced at where I was pointing, "Oh! So you're the guy I had to clear my locker out for!"

I startled, "Why are they doing that?"

"Have you seen your size bro? Right now I'm looking at you and I feel like I'm speaking to a god or something.." He shook his head. 

I felt myself awkwardly smile.

"I can't even get mad at you, cause I can't imagine you bending down in one of the smaller compartments."

He continued before I could say anything, "And I can fit all my shit in a small rectangle, a guy like you? Needs the small cupboard size."

I shrugged "whatever I guess" then I rephrased remembering he can actually hear me, "Thanks man"

"No problem.." Then he left. No introduction, nothing. Oh well.

I gazed at my bag and just threw it in there, I couldn't be crapped to unpack the bloody thing. I wasn't planning on doing any work today, or ever really.

"Awesome" I then put in a combination lock and walked away.

Two minutes later I had reached my first class and, with a knock, let myself in. I kept my head angled down so my hair covered my eyes as I walked to the teachers desk.

I wasn't planning on saying anything, just giving him the note and sitting down. But of course, the teacher had other plans as they almost always do.

I tried to just hand him the slip of paper— I wrote it in my most professional handwriting mind you— with my reason for not speaking.

(It's just a really pathetic sob story that makes most teachers pity me, if they're not already afraid that is— But we'll keep that between the two of us.)

But before he had even read the note he gestured to the front of the class, "Introduce yourself please"

I tried frantically to recall what I'd written on that note so I could act accordingly... I couldn't.

Screw it. So I cleared my throat and began, "My name's Cole Black, I'm new here, please leave me alone"

I lifted my head and smiled kindly, but instantly dropped it when I remembered I wasn't in front of the mirror in my room.

And I could hear the gasps of surprised recognition from kids in the class, the fear in their voices was funny. But thankfully it sounded like not many people knew me.

"Now now, I'm sure you don't really want to be alone! So I'm going to ask.." he gazed around the quiet classroom for a moment, "Avery to show you around, she can take a friend if she wants."

"Oh yes, yes of course!"

"And you can sit in that spare seat in the middle row, now let's make mister Cole feel welcome, yes?"

The class erupted into loud 'yeah's' and I wanted to flip a bloody table at someone's head. far out. If this is the energy in this class.. 

It won't be for long.

...

I sat down and put my head on the table, ignoring everyone and everything around me. It wouldn't take long for the rumors to spread.

Not long at all.