Listening to the sound of my alarm I groaned.. Because I hadn't needed the bloody thing to wake me up in the first place.

Good.

Considering I hadn't slept all night thanks to the pain in my stomach.

You should starve yourself cause why not right?

I thought back to that Coal boy..

I had almost punched him in the face when he asked me if he could join me. I was so surprised. The whole thing was swinging red flags in front of my face.

And you should have done it anyway just to let him know how much of a psycho bastard you really are.

Luckily at that moment I'd felt a pang of pain and it'd capped my sudden anger enough for me to ask him what the hell he bloody meant by that shady sounding statement.

His exact response was, and I'm quoting him here, "Oh I don't know, I just thought it'd be cool to hang out with a senior, something to boast about to my friends.."

I don't think I needed words to explain what exactly I thought of that.

You don't need words? You don't deserve them dumbass.

And after taking one look at my face he giggled self consciously made a scoffing noise and said, and I quote again, "right of course the handsome senior is probably busy"

After which he practically fled away.

Just like anyone else with any sense of self respect would. Meaning every single fucking person except for you.

Anyway after that, I'd made my way to my room alone, got safely inside, locked the door behind me and collapsed onto the floor.

As you should.

Throwing up whatever measly food I had barely managed to keep in my system. I blame the fall on the rink for it.

Of course you would. A selfish bastard like you only knows how to blame other things for your own mistakes.

After I'd managed to get every last bit of food out of my gut I weakly laid myself down next to it, trembling from the strain throwing up had put on me.

Pathetic freak.

A few minutes later, after I had gathered a little bit more strength I managed to get up and stumble to the bathroom.

After cleaning the repulsive mess I'd made on the floor I dragged myself into the bedroom and flopped onto the bed.

Where I have been ever since.

Weak

Weak

Weak

Weak

Weak.

Checking the time on my phone I sighed. Here's to another day with no sleep and no food in my goddamn stomach.

That's less than what you deserve.

I suppose the new coffee I've been drinking with my usual black coffee is quite strong and most likely also the reason for my lack of sleep.

It was 4am, meaning I had exactly one hour to buy some clothes and get out of this bile stained, regurgitated food scented attire.

You don't deserve the clean life you have.

And then get coffee.

Of course, so that you can put this far more logical part of you to sleep again, you scared little mutt.

Because my head was even more against me today than it usually is. And I could really do with some peace and quiet up here.

The only time you'll get peace and quiet in here is when you finally kick the fucking bucket freak. And there's no time like the present.

Maybe I can snag a coffee on my way out.

Die

Die

Die

Die you selfish fuck.

Actually no coffee sounds good right now. With a shudder I called in room service and asked for their strongest black coffee.

Once I'd placed the order, I took a shower, dumping my bile stained shirt in the bin.

I actually really liked that shirt. It was one that mom gave me when she had one of her 'oh I have a sixth child!' moments.

You don't deserve those moments.

I know that.

But it still felt nice to receive something, even if it was meant to be a birthday gift for a birthday that had gone months ago.

It was something.

That you don't. Deserve.

I know that.

Stepping under the steaming water I sighed. At least I hadn't had an episode tonight. I may not have slept a wink, but at least I didn't try anything stupid.

Should have though. Waste of space that you are anyway.

I traced the various scars over my body as the scalding water traveled down my me in waves. I forced myself to stay under even though it was burning me.

Until I realized what I was doing— More. Make it hotter. Increase the temperature!

I swallowed hard against the urge to do exactly what I'd just thought. But who was I kidding? I've never been strong enough to stop.

Taking a shallow breath I turned the tap, making it hotter. I couldn't stop myself from letting out a small mewl when the water began scalding me.

Stand here. Burn.

Useless trash like you should incinerate.

I know that.

When it finally got to the point where I felt my skin was going to melt off entirely I turned the shower off.

Forcing myself to stand still as I took in hiccupping breaths of pain, I watched as the steam rose off of me in a hazy cloud.

Reminding me of how much of a useless freak I was.

Should have drowned or suffocated yourself.

Wrapping a towel around my waist I walked out of the bathroom into the living room, and just as I was about to grab my jeans the bell of my room went off.

Meaning coffee.

And peace right you little freak.

I really need to stop entertaining this side of my head. It's getting too, uh.. Talkative and far too into my business.

Fuck. Look at you talking about your own voice as if it's someone else. Who'd even want to be stuck in this pathetic pit you call a mind anyway?

No on— Wait nope. Won't answer it.

Shaking my head I go and open the door.

.

.

You see, I opened the door fully expecting the coffee to be sitting outside on the floor with no one around.

What I was not expecting in the slightest was Coal, dressed in a full butler's outfit, holding my steaming cup of relief.

The shock alone was enough to silence the wicked thoughts.

"Holy.. Crap.?" Coal whispered as his eyes raked over my body. "I'm.. Uh ah.. S-sorry, are you busy? Y-yeah I.. I think you are.."

I was too mortified to do anything more than stand there.

.

.

Now, I've had out of body experiences before, but all of them have been a result of either pain or tiredness.

Never in my life has my soul left my body through sheer mortification.

I could see the wriggly little thing trying to drag itself away but I snatched it and shoved it right back inside before I died right on the spot.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I spluttered.

"Get-getting you your coffee??" Coal spluttered back.

"Well thanks but what's with the outfit??" I spluttered again.

"Uniform!! N-Not what it looks like you think it is!" he spluttered in response to my own spluttering.

Taking in a deep and shaky breath I controlled myself and felt a wave of accepting calm fall over my system.

A level of peace that others would die for.

"Okay awesome, I'm not going to ask what kind of work you're doing down there, but I hope you're fully consenting"

I snatched the drink out of his startled hands and shut the door. But not before I quickly opened the door again..

"I'm not judging you by the way, you do what you enjoy!" and with that I shut the door once and for all.

Trying to ignore the panicked screeching coming from the other side.

"Wait no! It's NOTHING LIKE THAT!!" He screamed. "It's the café workers uniform! CAfé WoRkers!!"

Whatever.

Draining the scalding drink, I almost choked when the steam blocked my breathing passage for a hot minute.

Okay now to buy some clothes. Ugh, and Tylenol considering my head feels like it's ready to implode.

.

.

.

Walking through the streets I looked around for a shop that was open this early in the morning, and so I guess I was lucky to be in the higher end of the city..

Because everything that was moderately priced or simply cheap, was closed.

With a groan I glanced at the time, 4:37am. I had less than 25 minutes to buy clothes for school and the pain in my stomach was making it hard to focus.

Oh and I was also freezing because I had nothing except a flimsy jacket thing covering my body with weather that was somewhere below 10°F.

Yay.

Throwing it all to hell I beelined for the nearest clothing shop and walked inside with an audible sigh of relief.

Glancing at the shop I wilted when I realized I was in Armani, I could already see the rest of my allowance fizzling away.

Sighing I strode up to a rack of what looked like shirts before realizing they were... Something else? I don't even know what this is.

I grunted in disgust as I scanned the outlet for shirts.

I really really didn't have time to browse, let alone walk around the entire thing looking for a friggin shirt.

I finally spotted a worker and waved him over.

"Hey, how can I help you?" He asked as he stood in front of me. "Do you need sizing? Styling? An outfit for an occasion? What can I do for you?"

"I just need a black shirt and a simple jacket.."

.

.

.

Anyway, after almost losing all my money, an eyeball and my dignity, I managed to buy a shirt that wasn't too obvious and a jacket that was a little more obvious.

Checking the time I realized I was going to be late. Again.

With a barely constrained groan I trudged into my room and quickly changed into the clothes I'd bought.

Ugh. Branded clothes are so.. Ew.

As I walked to my car I kept pulling at my shirt, because it felt like I was wearing another skin rather than a goddamn shirt.

Shuddering I got into the car, and pulled away from my temporary abode.

I pulled down the windows as I drove, relishing the cool air ripping through my nostrils, bringing tears to my eyes.

Finally a few hours later I'd made it to my school parking lot. Thankful for once, for the always empty spot reserved for me.

Once I'd parked I got out with a wince.

My stomach was really not feeling well.

And I suppose the reason is that for the past few days I haven't been able to hold down anything besides coffee in my stomach for longer than an hour.

"Oh well" I sighed. It would probably get better in a few days.

Walking into the school I made my way to the school food technology blocks. This was the only other class I did anything in by the way.

Well not really anything in, more like whatever I happened to want to do.

But I guess the teacher didn't mind anyway so it was fine. Once I'd walked into the class I ignored the teacher ignoring me and made my way to the bench.

When a sudden wave of pain drifted through my body I groaned quietly, resting my head against the stove top.

Probably not the smartest place but whatever.

After a few seconds the pain passed and I made my way to the fridge to get the things I needed to bake a batch of chocolate pistachio muffins.

If there was one thing I was really happy about in this school, it was the fact that the school kitchens were always stocked.

With everything.

Once I'd gotten what I'd need I made my way to the furthest bench and got to work. The muffins were relatively simple, the decorations were the delicate part.

Anyway, halfway through the recipe I got annoyed so I scrapped it and started a new one, thankfully I knew a recipe with the same ingredients.

Chocolate filled pistachio muffins.

Don't ask me why, but pistachio flavored anything with chocolate flavored anything, is the epitome of culinary masterpiece.

An hour later I'd managed to bake a batch of 30 choc-filled pistachio muffins. They smelt so good I thought for sure my drool was showing..

But the pain in my stomach was rather troublesome. So I knew I wasn't gonna be able to eat more than half of a muffin.

Maybe one whole one if I was to push myself.

I glanced up and snorted at the disappointing excuse of a recipe the rest of my classmates had to prepare. So creative!

Vanilla cupcakes.

Not even muffins.

Cupcakes.

For god's sake what are they? Fourteen year old first timers in the kitchen?? They're obviously capable of more than a cupcake, jesus.

I felt bad for them, plus I knew I wasn't gonna eat all of these muffins so I may as well donate them right?

Swallowing a sudden pang of fear— and stomach pain, I made my way to the front of the class as the teacher barked orders.

I don't understand why teacher's think it's their damn job to sound like war commanders that forgot to have their first ten cups of coffee.

.

.

I want ten cups of coffee right now...

Steeling myself for jeers or just silence, I swallowed again and cleared my throat. Thankfully nobody seemed to notice except the teacher.

"What? You've completely ignored the given recipe and instead made.. Whatever these are.. So what do you want now.?" She snapped.

I sighed internally and reached past her to grab a sticky note, then, pulling out a pen from my pocket— because pens are good to keep on hand— I wrote a message.

'Take a muffin if you want, they probably taste better than vanilla cupcakes..'

I cleared my throat loudly once to get everyone's attention, waved the note in the air, and then stuck it down next to the warm tray.

A girl came forward quickly and read the note, probably expecting something to jeer at or poke fun at but did a double take when she finished.

"I can take one?" She asked incredulously.

Which I suppose was understandable considering I've never shared any of my culinary masterpieces with them before.

I just nodded, keeping my eyes downcast as she picked one up and took a bite. Thankfully they weren't too hot, otherwise that would've been her tongue gone.

Turning around to walk away, I froze when she grabbed my arm, Turning around slowly I cocked my head in confusion.

"This. Is. Abso. Fucking. Lutely. Heavenly.." she sighed, still holding my arm. "You need to tell me the recipe sometime!"

"Rachel! Mind your language!" The teacher snapped, But Rachel really couldn't care less about her, instead gazing expectantly at me.

Still keeping my eyes downcast, I frowned and pulled my arm free. No way. These are my secret recipes..

"Oi Vans! Come take one, I swear its better than your moms fudge bites. The chocolate is perfectly tempered as well. You'll like it I swear!"

No-one even noticed that I'd already left.