❗❗ QUICK DISCLAIMER ❗❗

Self Harm is heavily implied on in the production of

this chapter.! If that is a sensitive topic for you, please refrain

from reading it! Reader discretion strongly advised.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy.

I'd been right.

I frowned as I parked into the one spot that was always empty, precisely because I'd parked here once in front of more than five people.

So now it's apparently mine.

This is what you deserve. Live alone so you can die alone. Don't burden others with your shitty existence.

I glanced around for my coffee thermos as I got out of the car. I was sure I'd packed it, because if I didn't I'd be even more on edge than usual.

Fucking forgetful as always.

After spending almost five whole minutes searching for it, I figured it was at home. And me, being a complete idiot, hadn't even drunk my first mug this morning.

Everything I say is true, no point in ignoring the truthful part of myself huh.

"God damnit." I growled as I dragged a hand through my hair in frustration. Today was going to be worse than the whole past week combined.

As it should be, freak.

Shaking my head I started towards the correct block.

I checked the timetable that I'd received again last Friday to see where I was supposed to be.

And no, I definitely did not get a new timetable because I lost the physical ones so many times they had to resort to an emailed version..

Forgetful bastard.

Psh.. Nah I wouldn't do that to them.

...

Yeah I would.

.

.

I checked the time when I got to class.

9:40.

Meaning third period had started.. Meaning I was late for the one subject I did any bloody work in, the one subject I stayed the whole lesson in.

You don't fucking deserve to have a favorite subject.

God I hated my life.

Of course you would.

I sighed and knocked on the door, waiting for the teacher to open it and let me into the world of color and creativity—

That was unnecessary. I'm so sorry you had to read that.

I waited, staying as stiff as possible, and he opened the door just in time. Just before I rammed my fist into the wall.

Should have done it anyway.

I was only three hours into the day and the voice in my head was already getting more and more tiring to ignore.

"Cole! Good morning, afternoon and night to you! What's the code to enter class?" Mr. Grey asked cheerily, which is ironic considering his name.

But it was pointless.

Everything with you involved is fucking pointless, what do you mean?

He knew perfectly well I wasn't going to answer him. Not many people had heard me talk since the first day of school. And I was going to keep it that way.

"Ah, oh well, next time maybe!" He said with a cheery shrug.

How rude can a bastard like you get?

I can't understand how this man hasn't given up on me already, it's mind frazzling. I've been ignoring him completely for the past week.

And yet he still smiles like I haven't.

Disgusting.

I felt slightly guilty so I met his eyes and smiled at him.

.

.

If I said he was speechless that would be quite the understatement.. The man seemed to combust from inside all the way to the outside with excitement.

I hadn't expected anything as dramatic as the whole, 'falls against the door frame with a hand at his heart and a hand at his forehead' moment.

Life sure is full of surprises. But I was also sure that this was the first and last time I'd make 'kind' direct eye contact with anyone.

You shouldn't even try make any fucking eye contact. With anyone.

I'd rather not make eye contact in the first place actually, but when I do it's never short of a look that says 'stay the hell away from me.'

Because you deserve to be alone stupid bastard.

Dropping the smile I pushed past him and into the classroom, taking a deep breath full of the smell of paint, clay and primers.

Heartless bastard.

Letting the breath go in a whoosh, I walked to the corner I had claimed. The one place where the aisle was angled in a way that only those outside the window could see what was on it.

Talentless bitch.

I was fine with that. Those outside couldn't see my face and those inside couldn't see my work. A complete win-win situation.

.

.

Art was one of the three things I was good at. It was one of the things I could unleash my pain in without being told it was right or wrong.

I stared at my piece.

Burn it bastard.

I'd decided to go with a grayscale palette, because it was the most versatile palette for me, the only palette I felt comfortable using actually.

Because that's how you see the world right? what an attention seeker.

The task was to create a piece that reflected the person inside of us. Our emotions. And to be honest I thought it was quite pointless.

Because you pretend you don't fucking have emotions.

But still, art is art. Plus, I wasn't planning on letting anyone see this piece anyway. So on that thought I decided to be real about it.

I created a piece of a boy trying to die in a pool surrounded by people that were making sure they couldn't see. Whether it was buy using hands or clothes or anything they could find to hide their eyes.

You should actually play it out. Get someone to take a photo..

It was a stupid piece but it felt right.

Then I scoffed at myself, I knew well enough that I was going to scrap it a day before the due date and make one the night before.

I always did.

Because you're a fucking idiot.

.

.

By the time class ended I was trembling from the strain of keeping myself in my seat. The urge to cut, to burn, to break.. The urge to self destruct was getting out of control.

Just kill yourself. Why hurt so much.. Death is an option you know?

So the moment the bell rang I draped the cloth over my painting and bolted out of the classroom.

Now, this normally goes without a hitch, the teacher pretends he didn't see anything and the students just whisper snide remarks. But not today.

A whole week passed and today. On the Monday of the second week of my senior year of high school, I slam into another person.

Literally. Like the whole cliché chest slam. It was disgusting and I hated it.

But of course I wasn't gonna let the girl fall backwards so I grabbed her by the shoulders and opened my mouth to apologize, before closing it again with an annoyed expression.

No talking. Right.

I realized she was staring at my hands in shock and that I was also still holding her, so I frowned and let her go.

She was too surprised to say anything which was more than enough time to make an escape.

I was too wired to get lunch so instead I sped to the back of the school library, the one place where no one goes because it's too dark to see anything except maybe the rats.

You should feel right at home. Yeah? Fucking rat boy.

I glanced around to make sure I was alone as I felt my body begin trembling from the pent up destruction.

The urge to destroy was going to make me implode.

Before I even realized what was happening, I had pummeled my fist into the brick wall three times.

Not feeling anything yet, I kept going, punching again and again until I couldn't handle the dizzying pain any longer.

And it was then that I knew the bout had finally ended.

I flopped down onto the floor in a heap of strangled gasps and pained groans, and took that time to reflect on my stupidity.

Oh there's a lot you can reflect on there buddy.

Instead my mind wandered back to the girl.

Which was weird, because I'd never thought of a girl before. Which is also weird because I know a lot of girls have looked at me and thought about me.

And I'm not saying that to be cocky, trust me.

It's just I've heard some pretty, uh.. R18+ stuff about me as I've walked into classes.

It'd gotten to the point where girls pretending to masturbate while making eye contact with me had become a reoccurring thing.

The only thing is, you wish they'd be doing it for real. Fucking pervert.

It's the reason I stopped looking at them, and also the reason I grew my hair to sort of cover my eyes. 

I hated being the center of sexual innuendos.

The girl I slammed into, I was glad I hadn't made eye contact with her. If I did, I was worried about what she'd do or say— Wait.

I'm not trying to be judgmental, I just don't want to give them that chance. You know? 

As in like I know they're not all like that, but what if they are? You know? Nevermind I don't know what I'm saying sorry.

Judgy fucker.

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. The toxic sludge version of me in my mind was too much for me to handle on a Monday.

Liar, you just hate hearing the truth.

Clocking the time I sighed, 11:40, lunch was about to end, meaning I'd probably get home, make a coffee, grab my thermos and get back before 12:20.

"Yeah that's fine." I muttered.

Nothing is fine when you're involved.

I heard a gasp and whipped around afraid someone had heard me. But It was just a group of freshmen giggling to themselves.

Wait, why are they here??

I moaned out loud to catch their attention, but I made sure I was out of view.. A new rumor in the making.

Stupid fucker moaning behind a library.

I hope they're not dumb and think it's funny to check out who's moaning and why. I really hope not.

Yeah cause then you'll really look like the fucking perverted freak that you are.

They weren't.

After hearing the moan they froze and glanced at each other in disgust, almost like they regretted being there entirely.

You really are invisible. Face, voice or touch. No one cares to remember.

So I moaned softly again.

And this time they were sure they heard it so they laughed in disgust and bolted away. Last thing I heard was something about giving head.

What a fucking moron you are.

Laughing softly I walked out of the dark, making sure no one was around, and back into the world of the unaware.

I was happy for all the people around me.

Liar.

I'm not going to be naïve and say they're all living their best life..

Their lives are better than yours

I know most of them aren't. Happy, not whatever I'd just thought..

Looking around right now, I can see at least five people hiding behind their smiles. Hiding their pain to fit in with their friends.

Friends.

That's what I'm jealous of.

You're in denial.

Being able to hide this pain and loneliness behind a happy exterior? For me that would be a dream come true.

Yeah right. As if you deserve that.

Shaking myself out of hopeless dreaming I walked to the car park. Ignoring the whispers obviously directed at me.

Why ignore them?

I wondered what it was this time— oh, never mind I know.

With a sigh, I shoved my throbbing hands into my pockets and kept walking. This would just get piled onto the 'destructive freak' list.

A more perfect list could not have been created.

I don't care.

Yes, you do.

I walked to my car, unlocked it and got in.

Once I'd pulled out of school I stepped on the gas, practically flooring it on the empty roads. It was almost like the traffic lights were mocking me.

Your own life is mocking you at this point.

On the way to school I hit nothing but red. But now? No no now I shall receive the blessing of god. Now I shall live on top of the world. Green lights all around.

I hate my life.

Of course you would, ungrateful little shit.

I was driving at an increasingly dangerous speed for no reason at all. Except maybe the small chance that the car'll lose control and blow up.

You should just ram into a tree.

Which would be a tragedy really..

No it wouldn't.

.

.

I got home unharmed.

A pity.

Taking out my keys once I'd parked, I opened the door and stepped inside. Slamming the door shut as loud as I could, I walked to the kitchen.

I startled when I saw my mom and dad sitting at the table. "Uh hey mom.. You're not at work?" I asked.

I know they heard me.

But like always. I got no response from either of them. So I guessed they were just too absorbed in their coffee and phones.

Yeah right. In denial like always. They are ignoring you.

I bit back a scream of anger and walked away from the table, all the while feeling like the world's biggest idiot.

I made my coffee and sighed in relief as I heard the non toxic version of my own voice in my head. Coffee was seriously my only friend at this point, without it.. I don't want to know what would—

"Cole, you're late for school" my mom chipped from the table as I passed by.

I glanced at her, and caught a thunderous look from dad directed at her. But it was gone as fast as it came.. So maybe I had just imagined it.

"I'm going now.." I sighed. "Thanks for bloody noticing.."

I wasn't worried about cursing near them. They were deaf to anything I said after their two second attention span faded.

.

.

I got to school later than I'd expected. It was 12:37 by the time I'd made my way to class. But I honestly didn't understand the point, class ended at 12:55..

Yeah and that's almost twenty minutes.

Oh yeah.

Then I contemplated whether it was worth it or not for at least two minutes before deciding that I'd use the few minutes to catch up on sleep I haven't had for the past week.

Okay maybe I did sleep for like the equivalent of twenty four hours spread out between seven days.. But I look fine and coffee exists.

And I catch up on naps at school.

Well okay, maybe not nap naps more like little eye rests. The only time I knock out, I'm pretty sure, is when I've had a bout of self harm and come back to class exhausted.

I walked into class without a knock since the door was already open.

Making my way to the back of the class soundlessly, I startled a few kids as they noticed my presence for the first time.

I suppose it was a bad habit of mine. Walking on silent mode.