Chapter Eleven
The Past

Clarisse

I think the summer holidays back in 2021 was really the start of a new chapter in my life. At the beginning of the holidays, my aunt announced that I was going to meet one of the cousins I'd never seen before. I called my mother and asked if she knew him and she said only when he was a boy. She also warned me to be careful of him now that he's all grown up because boys couldn't be trusted. She told me that we would spend Christmas together with Clarissa in the US since she wasn't going to have time this summer. I didn't look forward to spending time to what family I had left, but as long as it took me away from my aunt's house, I was glad.

Dele was a lot older than me.

Luna shared my dislike for Dele, she was always barking at him— once she bit him hard that his wound bled for two days. The band-aids kept getting soiled with blood. He was later taken to the hospital.

My cousin was very dirty. He would keep his used clothes lying around and use plates without washing them. Keep his socks and boxers in the microwave for some really disgusting reasons. This got me into a lot of trouble with aunt Tobi. Often times, she would blame me for leaving the kitchen dirty after eating or pouring cereal all over the carpet because I was a spoilt brat who had never done chores in my life.

I pointed out to her that her house was never dirty until Dele started living with us and she beat me with a pankere. I think it was just an excuse to hit me. She didn't seem to like me or the fact Luna and I had become close. She only seemed fine with it because I took all of Luna's responsibility upon myself, including her waste products.

Dele made me too self conscious. He would make sure to point out every visible stretch mark on my body so I started wearing long sleeves often. It also helped to cover up the other marks left on my body by my aunt. He would make comment about my fat thighs and say that he likes thick but isn't for everyone— I'd be better of as a slim person.

It wasn't like I cared if he liked my body type because:

1.) We were cousins and I found any form of incest abominable once we shared blood. If we were related by ties of marriage, then yes, but we shared the same great grandmother.

2.) I didn't find him attractive in anyway. He was irritating through and through.

But...

I felt I could be better off as a slim person. I don't know why, but it was in my head. Being thick wasn't supposed to be for young teenage girls like me. Huge hips and thighs suited adults like my aunt a lot more.

I really can't explain why or how, but I wanted to be slim with the right curves— like Tiara, without the flat backside.

Keeping up with starvation was becoming harder everyday. The insides of my stomach would churn and it felt like someone was using a blade to cut my intestines. I endured it only because I was rapidly losing weight and it was very noticeable. So noticeable that my aunt started to beat me when I refused food.

"You want people to start spreading rumours that I'm not feeding you eh?" She would shout, lashing at me with a koboko or pankere. "What are you forming for?"

One night, I went out with my aunt's permission to buy felvin to help with period cramps and ran into Kainye. He was frantic, shaking and only stopped briefly to wave. He ran out of the pharmacy with a bottled syrup, not bothering to collect his balance. I asked the pharmacist what was wrong and she said, "It's Barbara's story to tell, not mine."

The next day, I saw him at the back gate of the park and asked what happened. After swearing not to tell a soul, he opened up.

"My sister ate camphor balls," he sighed. "I wish I knew what was going on in her head sometimes. I know she's not okay but she's too young to even think about suicide. I want to pretend it was the foolishness of a seven year old but I know I'd only be deceiving myself. She knows what camphor is and despises the smell."

I didn't know what to say so I hugged him. He stiffened for a long while — it felt so awkward and I became embarrassed that I was going to pull back, but then he returned the hug. Leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Is she okay?" I asked when we pulled apart.

"Yeah," he muttered. "We saw her while she was still eating it. My dad had taken the only car working and your aunt's car wasn't in the driveway so we couldn't ask for help. The old couple had gone out."

I nodded, urging him to continue. I felt it would be better if he got it off his chest so I was willing to provide a listening ear if he wanted one.

"You know how useless emergency lines in this country are," he chuckled lightly. "They'd arrive when it was too late so my mom was calling her friends but they all had something doing and we're providing pointless solutions. They told her to force palm oil down her throat but it wasn't helping, she was so close to death. So I called Tiara while my mom called an Uber to take her to the hospital."

I smiled at him.

If I'm being honest, I felt jealous that he would think of Tiara when I was just next door. It wasn't like Tiara could come running to him but I let it go. Tiara was a good person and it would be wrong of me to feel that way.

"She told me that before an Uber comes it might be late so my mom should call the pharmacy and ask advice and they'd most likely give her ipecac syrup but a tiny amount. That was what sustained her till we got to the hospital. She threw everything up instantly. They're treating her because of the extreme side effects the syrup had because she's still a child."

"That bad? Isn't it like a laxative? They don't really have side effects."

"Yeah, the regular ones. Ipecac is for severe food poisoning. Those ones are to ease constipation through purging."

Although I felt extremely sad about what happened, I was glad it did because it gave me an idea that seemed to solve my problems, only that it almost destroyed my life. I'm quite glad I lived to tell the story.

Kainyechukwuekene

Tiara and I had a silent agreement. We shared deep dark secrets without needing to say a single word. Often times, she breached the contract— going too far to make sure I was okay and trying to unravel deeper mysteries about myself that even I didn't know. She would talk about a lot of my problems, passing it off as her own just to encourage me. She'd often give me long hugs and lingering kisses on the cheeks and forehead as if to say, "Even if they don't love you, I do."

Tiara would keep me occupied when I wasn't cutting myself. She would ask if I was okay every hour of the day even during the holidays. Anyone would have mistaken such care from another gender as something not platonic but it was different with us. She was like a mama bear and I was the cub. I felt safe when I was with her but for the first time, I felt safe in another person's arms— it was not for long though.

Since the day I talked to Clarisse about what happened I kept overthinking it. Confiding in her felt good in the moment but once it was over, I felt weak and lesser than her. Maybe it was because I couldn't help my feelings towards her.

I thought about Clarisse for a long time, wondering if I had made a mistake. For a while, I didn't worry about my sister's condition— she was the one who was supposed to be on my mind but I found myself thinking about another person.

Tiara sent me a message that night, asking if I was okay. I told her I wasn't sure then explained the whole ordeal with Clarisse, she sent a smiley face emoji and said not to worry. Her exact words were, "People with their own problems don't think of others as weak when they hear of their problems."

"She doesn't seem to have problems," I told Tiara even though I knew Clarisse seemed to have problems— especially with her aunt. Several times, I'll hear her aunt's voice raised and directed towards Clarisse and the next day, she'll wear a long sleeved clothing. She had also begun to lose weight drastically.

"You won't know if she doesn't tell you," Tiara replied with a shrugging emoji.

Clarisse

I went to the pharmacy the day after Kainye told me about laxatives. I wondered why I hadn't thought about it before— I'd read about them often and taken them once or twice when I was younger. It was quite easy to get the drugs, no one was asking me questions or requesting to see a doctor's note and that made me realize how fucked up Nigeria was. Everyone was after money and nothing else. The pharmacist didn't care to know if I was using drugs for the wrong purpose or not— he only seemed interested in the fact that I was patronizing him and the drugs I bought were quite expensive. He didn't warn me about the side effects of those drugs. I'd like to think he thought I wasn't a minor due to my body size but that didn't mean he shouldn't have asked for an ID card.

I got a bottle of ipecac syrup and a few other laxatives. That day, I ate to my fullest much to my aunt's surprise. "Slow down," she told me constantly during dinner. My cousin— Dele kept throwing suspicious glances my way while my uncle kept giving me a look of analyzation— as if he was trying to comprehend my actions. Immediately I had satisfied my tongue and stomach, I took a glass of water and a plastic spoon up the stairs, added half a spoon to the water, and gulped it down in desperation.

My stomach was bloated and I felt uncomfortable. Suddenly, I began to regret my actions when the drug I had taken seemed to have to effect. I knelt in front of the toilet, holding the seat with shaking hands, tears streaming down my face, willing myself to vomit the contents of my stomach. After about one hour of no result, I went back to my room and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if I should take things to a higher level and use the Ipecac syrup no matter how dangerous it might be— that was when my guts decided to open up. I had to run faster than my shadow so I would not mess up the floor.

I threw up for about one hour. My aunt was banging the bathroom door hard and shrieking. She screamed profanities and statements like, "Idiot! Who asked you to eat that much?"

When I was finally gone and my aunt seemed to have left the door of the bathroom, I opened the door quietly and stepped out into my room. My heart got caught in my chest the moment I saw my uncle standing in my room. His broad hands were folded across his chest and his lips were in a tight line. "What made you think of doing that?"

"Doing what?" I said, wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve.

He walked over to my dresser table and picked up the half finished glass of water and the small plastic bottle containing the laxative. Picking up the bottle, he put it in his trouser pocket and held my shoulders. "You are perfect the way you are. Do not change yourself based on any stereotypes."

"I'm not changing myself," I chuckled nervously. "I just ate too much and felt uncomfortable afterwards so I had to force the food out."

My uncle didn't seem to believe me, but nonetheless, he walked out of my room with the laxative— sending a worried glance my way. I knew I had lost my right to privacy then.

Another reason I would never forget that day was because it was the same day Dele started making visits to my room at night and the last I checked the digital clock on my nightstand— it was 10:13 p.m.