The chirping birds sound and bright morning sun rays demanded my attention from the deep slumber. I tapped the left side of my bed only to find it empty. Where did she go? Slowly I opened my eyes to hear the tap sound inside the bathroom. I took slow steps and I could hear her rising cries from inside. Not again for today. This has been a routine for me to find her inside the bathroom mourning early in the morning with water flushing over her. But after yesterday he though she may never do this again. But he was wrong. As doctor said even thought she is ready still she has to take her own time to recover and all I need is her to get normal. I can do anything for that.

"Avni" I mumbled slowly tapping the door which halted the tap sound. She heard me. I felt more worried for her as she started to sniff her cries. It gave a sharp pierce in my heart. Each time when she twitches her lips making a pout to cry out the unshed tears getting all red herself I feel like someone stabbing right on my heart that to mercilessly.

"It's ok avi. Come out." I tapped the door again. I could hear the unlocking sound and stepped little back getting ready to receive her. And as expected she threw herself in my arms.

She was all drenched and still on her pajamas but took a shower from head to toe. And she was badly shivering due to the climate over here. We are in the midst of woods for our honeymoon of our marriage which happened 2 years ago. It was a tree house where we were right now.

"I am bad neil. U don't deserve this. I can never give u happiness" she mumbled may be feeling guilty for last night. I rubbed her back pacifying her. It's not in her control to react like that then she need not feel guilty for it.

"U are my happiness Avni, don't forget that. And we have no danger here. U are safe." I assured her as she sobbed clenching my shirt. I rubbed her back until her sobs reduced and we both were staying in the same position for god knows how long. For now I was also completely wet but that didn't make me not notice the hot gush I am getting down there. In the proximity we were sharing may be.

I slowly removed her away from me to check her as where she has hurt herself today. I almost gasped out loud when I saw that deeply imprinted finger marks over her right breast till her neck. I looked up at her with glittery eyes. I couldn't even believe that now my touch as also started make her feel uncomfortable. I immediately left her shoulders. It was too much for me to take.

I stepped back. No I can't take this anymore. I am hurting her now. This is not what I wanted to happen. She has wounded herself because I failed to recognize that she is not ready yet. How can I do this to her.

I mumbled sorry to her for lord knows how long. And then I marched towards the table in the hall to grab the first aid box. I was hurt to know that the precious moment we shared yesterday was another scar for her.

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I felt Neil stepping back. Away from me and its then I realized that I have scratched right over there where Neil touched me yesterday. When we were kissing thoroughly for the very first time. But when the past haunted me again in my nightmares I was so much drifted into the pain that I failed to recognize it was none other than Neil who was besides me. I am getting mad day by day and Neil should better leave me. We should end this relationship.

"Never" Neil spoke entering the room again as if reading my mind. "Never dare to hurt u like that again Avni. I am not being able to bear it. Its making me feel vulnerable. Vulnerable that I am not being able to erase Ur scars. Instead I am being the one who is adding more." He said as he placed the cotton over my collar bone. His eyes were red due to the tiredness of the sleepless night and that was because of me. I kept him awake all night as each time the nightmare broke my sleep yesterday. And I could see something else also in those eyes. Hurt. He was hurt with my behavior. I once again started everything and that has hurt him. I once again have started shut myself inside the bathroom crying my heart out as I have done all these years in our relationship.

"This was because of me right" his hands shivered as she removed my hair which was preventing him from applying the ointment. I pressed my lips together as I shake my head in a big no.

"I am becoming a despo and harming u" a lone tear escaped from his eyes as he pulled my cloth without touching me to examine my breast. He made sure that he doesn't touch me and that was hurting me more.

All these years I never have satisfied his needs. It should be me who should be vulnerable but he is broken in my place. What have I done to get u Neil?

Ours were love marriage. Neil loved me more than I do. I can accept that without arguing. It was in our first intimacy my past started to haunt me. The past which was lying buried within me from my childhood. The past which I was unaware off. Initially Neil used to think that I was hallucinating and would get mad. But when he got to know all about the child abuse he turned around to be the most supporting soul to take care of me. And that made me feel guilty. I wanted him to leave but he stayed.

"We had the treatment Neil. And doctor said I am alright." I mumbled to him as he was flinching while dressing my wounds.

"It's ok if u need time Avni. We are in no hurry" he stood up ready to leave. I startled back rooted in same place.

He was right. It was my past. It has nothing to do with my present. I even don't remember that fucking moron's face who abused me in my childhood and I can't let him rule my life by placing me in darkness. Sex should not be a fear for me not at least when Neil is here with me. He will take care of me. Nothing will go wrong. I will be fine. And that's when a decision hit me.

"U are now completely alright Avni. All u have to do is to give a chance to Ur sexual life. A damn single chance" I remember my psychiatrist words when we were in our last sessions. She suggested us this honeymoon plan and I am here to give a chance to it. Now I can't just like that back off. I looked at Neil. He was heading into the washroom. I took a deep breath to composite myself. "Let's hope for good Avni" he mumbled as he went inside. And I knew what to do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Child sexual abuse is the cruelest thing in the world. Unfortunately we are living in the world where this has increased a lot. 4 among 6 children are been sexually abused by some means or other and have an sexually abused history. Some children even forget the incident and live an normal life.

But when they are triggered to the sexual relationship once again those past starts to haunt them. And that is the worst face of the consequences the victim faces. She/ he feels like raped even when their partner makes love to them. Normal touch would make them flinch enough to scratch their skin hardly to erase them.

It's not that this problem has no treatment. It's true that it takes time for the victim to come out of it. One must ensure that he or she never feels vulnerable as that may push them back to the past were they were helpless once.

Speak to ur cousins and children's or younger one's in your family. Its Ur responsibility to take care of them. That's the mandatory one.

This update may have another part also. But based on Ur responses. Bashers always welcome because I don't anymore worry about Ur presence.

Much love,

Prinku.