Zeke woke up in some sort of dank smelly pit. He was lying on his back in what appeared to be a mixture of straw, hay, and mud. He didn't care to think about what other substances may also have been present. It was quite dark, but a single beam of light poured through some crudely constructed wooden bars that covered an opening almost directly overhead. His muscles were a little stiff, but overall he felt reasonably well. 

He suddenly became aware of some heavy breathing and an imposing dark figure pacing back and forth off to the side. "Who's there?" Zeke called out nervously. 

"So you're finally awake," a deep gruff voice replied. 

Zeke felt an involuntary chill in his bones. "Who are you? Are you my captor?" 

"No," came the reply. "I'm a prisoner like you." 

"Oh," Zeke relaxed a little bit realizing he was in the same boat with this person, whoever he was. 

"For now the question remains whether or not I should kill you." The figure stepped forth into the light revealing a large feline creature in a tattered green Hawaiian shirt with two extremely long sharp teeth extending from its mouth.  

Zeke let out a little whimper at the sight of the saber-toothed tiger. "I think not killing me is the clear choice here." 

"I don't know," the cat growled. "You do look mighty tasty. At least compared to the normal grub they toss down here." 

"I may look tasty, but I'm a particularly poisonous form of primate," Zeke said. "We humans have been known to cause all sorts of bad things to happen when eaten. Like testicular rot." 

The saber-toothed tiger eyed him warily and continued to pace back and forth. "Be that as it may, the only reason I haven't killed you already is the off chance that you may prove useful." 

"Oh, I'm useful all right. Back in high school my classmates voted me most likely to be useful to big scary cats trapped in pits. I always thought that was kind of weird, but in retrospect they seem to have been rather insightful."  

The tiger didn't say anything but continued to stare at him as it paced. The fact that it hadn't blinked once was kind of unnerving. 

"I'm Zeke, by the way," he offered. "Do you have a name?" 

"Yeah. I'm Daedalus." He made no effort to shake Zeke's hand. 

"Okay, Daedalus. Is there some way in particular you were thinking I could be of use to you?" 

"Yeah. You got any ideas on how to bust out of here?" 

Zeke exhaled loudly. "Well, it does just so happen that I'm a master escape artist and therefore much too valuable for you to kill. But I'm going to need to assess the situation a bit first. Who exactly are our captors?" 

"They're a bunch of worthless barbarian fucks," Daedalus spat. "They captured me while I was sleeping under a tree. They wouldn't have taken me if I'd been awake. I can tell you that much." 

"What do they want with us?" 

"I don't know. Bastards don't seem to be very talkative. The only time I see them is when they lower down food and water once a day." 

"Just once a day?" Zeke asked. His belly gave a little growl but he tried to ignore it. "Hmm. That may be our best opportunity for escape. When they bring food maybe we can lure the guard down here somehow and get the keys from him." 

"It's not keys that are the problem so much as getting up there." He indicated the opening over their heads. "Those wooden bars look pretty flimsy. There's no way to reach it without a ladder of some sort." 

"How do they get the food down here?" Zeke asked. 

"With a little rope." 

"Hmm, maybe we could climb up the rope when they lower it down." 

"You could try it, but it doesn't look very strong." 

"All right, well we'll give it a shot. What time do they bring the food anyway?" 

"I'm not sure," Daedalus replied. "I've lost my sense of time since I've been in here. I think I've been imprisoned for about eight days, but I can't say with any certainty. The light level never really changes." 

"Well, nothing to do for now but sit and wait, I suppose," Zeke said. 

"I suppose so," Daedalus said while still continuing to pace. 

Zeke settled back quietly and began to think. Daedalus, while not outright threatening at the moment, continued to be distant and was definitely dangerous. Conversation was minimal and Zeke dozed off a couple of times, but he never fell deeply asleep. Part of him was still concerned the saber-toothed tiger might renege on his apparent decision not to eat him. 

Finally they heard the sound of footsteps approaching overhead. "Looks like it's feeding time," Daedalus said grimly. "Now's your chance to show your stuff." 

Zeke held his breath and watched as a tray was lowered down slowly by rope through the opening overhead. He could hear his heart beating in his ears, but he waited until the tray was almost to the bottom of the pit before leaping towards it. He grasped a hold of the rope and began wriggling his way upwards. He made it about halfway before whoever was at the top realized what was going on and decided to simply drop the rope down. Zeke landed on the ground with a crash, upsetting the tray of gruel in the process. 

"Looks like you failed there, buddy," Daedalus observed. "And since you managed to spill the food, we've got nothing to eat." 

Zeke gulped as he noticed the unsettling glimmer in the tiger's eye as he commented on the lack of food. "Yes, but we do have a rope now. That's a tool that could prove useful." 

"Yeah?" Daedalus asked. "You got an idea?" 

"Not exactly," Zeke admitted. "But if you don't eat me there's a distinct possibility that I may come up with one." 

"You'd better. I'll give you until the next feeding time. If you don't come up with something by then you're dinner." 

"Don't worry, I'll think of something," Zeke said nervously. He plopped himself over in the corner of the pit and set himself to thinking a way out of this conundrum. Daedalus continued to pace agitatedly in the meantime. Although he had claimed to have been caught while napping, Zeke had yet to see him go to sleep. 

Zeke sat and thought for a long time, but couldn't seem to come up with any workable ideas. If only they could lure one of their captors down here. They would have to use a ladder or something to reach the bottom safely, but what sort of pretense could they make to get someone down? He was drawing a blank. 

Finally after what seemed like an eternity he heard a thunderous clatter overhead accompanied by the sound of numerous voices screaming and metal clattering on metal. "What's going on up there?" 

"I don't know," Daedalus said as he stared upward at the opening. "It sounds like a battle of some sort." 

Zeke could hear the pounding of footsteps overhead but he couldn't see what was happening. The footsteps moved nearer to the opening and suddenly the wooden bars cracked underneath someone's weight. A badger came falling through followed by three large weasels. They hit the ground in a pile and then quickly resumed biting and clawing at each other viciously. 

Zeke backed up against the wall instinctively and flinched as a weasel let out a terrible shriek of pain. The badger was chewing on its leg. The other two weasels were biting at the badger, but it tossed them back with a swing of its arm.  

Suddenly Daedalus crept up behind them and stood up, towering over all of them. With a series of quick blows he knocked out all three weasels and the badger. "Bring that rope over here. Let's tie these sons of bitches up." 

Zeke quickly did as he was asked. "What's happening? Who are these guys?" 

"The badger is one of our captors. These weasels are probably a rival barbarian tribe. It looks like they're having a full-fledged war overhead as we speak." 

"If the weasels are enemies of our captors maybe they would help us out," Zeke said. 

"Not likely," Daedalus spat. "All barbarians are vicious thugs. They'd kill us as soon as let us go." 

Zeke stared at the stack of unconscious bodies on the ground. "Hey! I've got an idea! Do you think we could get some more of these guys to fall into the pit? If we get enough of them stacked up maybe we could climb up the pile of bodies and get through the hole." 

"That's a good idea," Daedalus said thoughtfully. "It'll be easy to slip away while everyone's distracted by the skirmish. The problem is we're going to need to get about fifteen or sixteen more of these fuckers down here before we can get a big enough pile. A couple more might fall through the hole in the heat of battle if we're lucky, but I'm not sure if we're going to get as many as we need." 

"Hey look," Zeke said. "This weasel's got some kind of horn attached to his belt." 

"Looks like a hunting horn or something to me," Daedalus said. "Go ahead and blow it. Maybe it'll attract some of his buddies." 

Zeke took a deep breath and put the horn to his lips. A low deep note blared through the air as he blew as hard as he could. He lowered the horn and looked upwards expectantly. 

At first nothing happened. Then the ground began to shake and it sounded like a stampede was rushing overhead. A horde of about thirty weasels armed with spears began dropping through the opening. 

"Oh shit!" Zeke shouted as he dropped the horn and ran to the wall, trying to hide in the darkness of the pit. 

Daedalus began battling fiercely with the pack, snapping spears in half and bashing weasel heads together. He seemed to be drawing the attention of most of the barbarians, but unfortunately one noticed Zeke cowering against the wall and began to slither towards him. 

"Hey I'm not looking for any trouble here," Zeke stammered. "I'm just minding my own business."  

The weasel pulled back its lips revealing a row of sharp teeth. Foaming saliva dripped out of its mouth as it let out a high-pitched hiss.  

"Nice weasel." Zeke tried talking to it as if it were a dog. 

The weasel pulled back its arm and hurled its spear at him. Zeke rolled out of the way just in time as the spear thumped into the wall at the precise spot where his head had been seconds before. 

Zeke took off running around the outer perimeter of the pit as the weasel dropped to all fours and began snapping at his heels. Zeke felt around in his pockets, looking for something to use as a weapon. His hands fell upon the tourists guide book. He stopped suddenly and whirled around, smacking the weasel upside the head with the book. It stood up on its hind legs and stumbled back in a daze. Zeke decided to press his momentary advantage and punched the weasel in the nose as hard as he could. It fell backwards and hit its head on the ground knocking itself out in the process.  

"That's what you get, punk!" Zeke shouted at the inert weasel. He shoved the book back in his pocket and looked over to see how Daedalus was doing. 

The tiger had taken out several weasels already but he seemed to be getting overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. Three or four weasels clung to his arms by their teeth and another one had its jaws wrapped around his neck. He was surrounded by a large circle that continuously jabbed and poked at him with their spears. 

Zeke traced his steps backwards and pulled his vanquished weasel's spear out of the wall. He surveyed the situation for a moment and then stealthily walked up behind the outer circle of weasels. He swung the pole end of the spear and knocked the legs of three weasels out from underneath them. As they collapsed into a heap he held the pole horizontally and bashed the weasels on either side on the head with the ends of the spear. This opened up enough of a hole that he was able to swing at the weasel attached to Daedalus' neck. It flew across the room and crashed into the wall. 

By this point several of the weasels had turned their attention towards him. He managed to parry a blow from the closest one, but then another one caught him in the ribs with the stick end of the spear. He felt the wind get knocked out of him, but a surge of adrenaline kept him on his feet. He kicked the weasel that had struck him in its stomach and it doubled over. He spun around to face two more approaching menacingly. 

"You bitches want some of this?" Zeke taunted. "Come get some." 

The first weasel swung its spear at him. Zeke moved to block it, but his pole snapped in half. "Uh oh," he sputtered. 

Fortunately Daedalus had finished off the last of his assailants and he leaped in between Zeke and his opponents. He grabbed the two weasels by the neck and bashed their heads together. "Pop goes the weasel," he grunted. 

Zeke let out a sigh of relief and looked around at the numerous unconscious bodies. They certainly had enough to make a sizable pile now. "Thanks," he sighed. "I was in a bit of trouble there." 

"Just returning the favor," Daedalus replied. "You saved my neck a minute ago. I guess you're okay in my book after all. Now let's get the hell out of here." 

After tossing the bodies into a stack they each grabbed a spear and pulled their way through the opening, emerging into a scene of intense skirmishes. All around them badgers and weasels were clawing and biting and swinging spears at each other. Fortunately nobody seemed to have taken notice of their escape.  

They seemed to be in a small clearing that served as the badgers' campground. The grass beneath their feet was dry, crunchy, and reddish in color and a thick growth of trees and vines surrounded them on all sides. All Zeke could see overhead was blackness, although a small campfire lit the area in a warm luminescent glow.  

Daedalus found an unlit torch on the ground and shoved it into the fire behind the backs of a weasel and a badger who were jabbing their spears viciously at each other. "Come on! Let's get into the cover of the trees before we attract their attention!" 

"Which way should we go?" Zeke asked. 

"Who cares? We'll figure out where we are later, let's just blow this joint!" 

Zeke followed after the tiger who sprung quickly off into the vegetation. Instantly his surroundings got darker as the trees formed a thick canopy all around him. He could see the torchlight up ahead but was having difficulty keeping up, especially having to scramble over rocks and oversized tree roots. He felt a vine wrap around his leg and begin to squeeze, so he stabbed at it with his spear and it released him.  

He continued to run as fast as he could in the direction he had last seen the torchlight. He kept catching glances of plants that seemed to have body parts attached to them such as eyes and ears but he tried to ignore them to the best of his ability. 

Eventually he burst through some sort of oversized yellow fern and discovered Daedalus standing agitatedly on the banks of a large river with a noticeably strong current.  

"Ah, there you are, Zeke. We seem to have run into a bit of an obstacle here, but if we can get across this river we should be safe from any sort of pursuit." 

"Can we swim across it? Is it safe?" Zeke asked. 

"I don't know. There could be some nasty critters living in there. And besides, I don't really like to get wet." 

Zeke surveyed the scene thoughtfully. "Could we build a raft or something?" 

"You got something to chop wood with? Or tie it together for that matter?" 

"There's got to be a lot of dead wood laying around on the ground. Maybe we could tie it with vines." 

"I don't know," Daedalus said. "I think we should walk along the river banks awhile. Maybe we could find a shallow spot to wade across." 

"Sounds good to me. Which way should we go? Any idea where the city is from here?" 

"None at all. Well, I know it lies to the west, but who knows which way west is? But now that I think about it, a couple of the rivers that run through the city flow from east to west. If this hooks up to one of them maybe we'd better head downstream." 

"All right," Zeke shrugged. "Let's go for it." 

They made their way slowly downstream, sticking mainly to the higher ground to avoid the long stretches of mud which bubbled and steamed and emitted an unpleasant odor. After about ten minutes Zeke noticed a narrow staircase carved into a large tree, winding its way around the trunk. 

"What's that?" he asked. 

Daedalus scanned upwards and sniffed at the air. "We're in luck. It looks like it leads to a rope bridge! Now we can get across the river!" 

Zeke strained his eyes and realized there did seem to be something narrow spanning its way across the river. It was suspended about twenty feet above the water and consisted of one old rotting rope to walk on and a couple more that were apparently meant to be used as handrails. It swayed precariously in the breeze and didn't appear as if it had seen much use in quite some time. 

"Are you sure we really need to get across the river?" Zeke gulped. "That thing doesn't look very strong." 

"As soon as those barbarians are through with their tribal war they're bound to notice we're missing and come hunting for us. We'll be safer on the other side." 

"What's to keep them from just crossing the bridge after us?" Zeke asked. 

"We can cut it once we're across," Daedalus replied. "Besides, it doesn't look like anyone's crossed this thing in years. They probably don't even know about it." 

"Well, all right, but I don't feel good about this." 

They climbed up the winding staircase and were greeted by the unsettling sight of a skeleton covered in cobwebs laying across the platform in front of the bridge. Zeke couldn't tell what sort of creature it had been but it left him with a sense of foreboding. 

"We'd better cross it one at a time," Daedalus said. "I don't know if it can handle both of us at once. I'll go first." 

"You do that," Zeke said, happy not to be the guinea pig to test the bridge's holding capacity. 

Daedalus probably weighed twice as much as Zeke, but being feline he was also blessed with the grace of a cat. He moved lightly on his feet and made his way quickly and nimbly across the bridge without even touching the handrails. "It's not too bad," he called from the other side. "Just don't look down!" 

"Easy for you to say," Zeke grumbled as he placed his foot nervously onto the bridge. The rope wobbled from side to side, giving him a queasy feeling in his stomach. "How in the hell do I get myself into these situations?" he asked aloud as he closed his eyes, grabbed the handrails, and slowly placed his other foot in front of the first one. 

"That's it! You're doing fine!" Daedalus shouted encouragingly. "Keep going! You've only got about a hundred or so steps still to go!" 

"You're not helping!" Zeke said through clenched teeth as he inched his sweaty palm forward on the handrail ever so slowly. He took another step forward and nearly lost his balance but managed to steady himself. He took a deep breath and continued slowly forwards. 

About twenty minutes later he had made it halfway across. He felt like he needed to empty his bladder, but the thought of removing his hand from the rail to fiddle with his zipper made him feel weak in the knees. He took another step and slid his left hand forward. Suddenly he heard a sickening snapping sound and felt the rope come loose in his hand. The end of it had come untied from the tree behind him and fell into the river below with a loud splash. 

Instantly the water began swirling and bubbling violently right where the rope had hit the surface. Without warning something long, slimy, purple, and about ten feet in diameter came shooting upward out of the water. A large orifice opened on the end of it revealing numerous circular rows of sharp jagged teeth. The mouth snapped shut inches below Zeke's feet and then it disappeared back beneath the surface. 

"What the fuck was that?!" Zeke shouted while clinging desperately to the remaining handrail with both hands.  

"Looks like we've got ourselves an infestation of river worms," Daedalus replied calmly. "Don't worry, it's probably just protecting its nest." 

"Yeah? Well that's somewhat worrisome to me," Zeke said. "Especially while I'm balanced precariously right overhead." 

"Just keep moving, you'll be fine. It's my understanding that they pounce mostly when they hear sound vibrations." 

"In that case shut the fuck up," Zeke's voice dropped to a whisper. He turned his feet perpendicular on the rope and began inching along sideways. 

He made it a few more steps when a sudden gust of wind blew the bridge a few feet to the right causing Zeke to hang horizontally with his back above the river. His knuckles were turning white as he squeezed at the handrail with all his strength. Unfortunately a canister of dental floss came loose in his pocket and dropped out into the river below. Another serpent-like projectile shot out and came perilously close to ripping the shirt off Zeke's back. He could feel a blast of hot breath on the back of his neck before the worm dropped back into the river.  

"This really fucking sucks!" Zeke shouted as he held on for dear life.  

"Just hang on!" Daedalus called out. "You're almost across!" 

Finally the wind stopped and Zeke found himself in an upright position again. Realizing he was still in one piece he felt himself filled with an odd resolve to get this ordeal over with. He decided to pick up the pace a bit before something else went wrong. 

He made his way step by agonizing step and found himself about ten paces away from the end when the other handrail suddenly gave out. Zeke felt himself teetering over but managed to wrap his arms and legs around the lone remaining rope. Fortunately the hand rail made contact with the water a few feet off to the side and the river worm that shot out missed him by a fairly wide margin. But then some loose change he had in his other pocket came tumbling out as he clung upside down to the rope and three worms snapped at him simultaneously, one of them making glancing contact with his leg, but luckily it wasn't quite able to sink its teeth into him.  

"Woo! That was a close one!" he heard Daedalus call out somewhere behind his head. "Keep moving! I can almost reach you!" 

Zeke swallowed hard, took a deep breath and dragged himself the rest of the way across. When he finally reached the platform he collapsed into a heap and called out praises to every religious figure he could think of. His heart was pounding in his ears but he felt a giddy sort of adrenaline rush and he let out another loud holler and clenched his fists in the air. He gave Daedalus a high five and then let out a long deep sigh. "So now what do we do?"

* * *

Vance woke up around midday and rolled lazily out of bed. That business with Sarah turning into an oversized rodent had been unpleasant but he had more important matters to attend to at the moment.  

He was pleased to notice that the language serum he had been given appeared to be wearing off and his speech was returning to normal, albeit with a few "prithees" and "forsooths" peppered in here and there. 

He found that he still had no desire to remove his shirt, so he skipped taking a shower and decided to head down to the lobby to seek out some food. 

A small lunch buffet was set up in the corner and the line was now being manned by a nubile young lady with an orange complexion and a large green beehive hairdo. He realized he hadn't brought any floss with him but figured he could sweet-talk his way through the line. Sure enough, the attendant waved him through with a giggle after he gave her his room number and asked her to meet him there later that afternoon.  

He decided to sample the sliced donkey cold-cut sandwich and found it rather to his liking. He scarfed down a couple more and then sat back in his chair patting his belly contentedly. He had a couple more items on his list that he urgently felt he needed to acquire for some strange reason, but he also realized he was going to need a sizable crowd of witnesses when he performed the final act and was going to need to wait for the proper moment. Exactly what the final act was he wasn't really sure, but he definitely felt like it needed to be performed at some point, whatever it was. In the meantime he thought he would practice his tuba for a bit before heading off to the marketplace. After that there would be time for play, he thought as he looked over at the attendant who was waving at him and smiling coyly. He patted his full belly once more and let out a loud satisfied belch as he leaned back in his chair.