Bruce the monster blinked his eyes as he looked around. "Oh my goodness. Where the heck am I?" 

"You're in Quartzwater City, son," Dr. Octavius said as he extended a hand in greeting. "What's your name?" 

"I'm Bruce," the monster lisped. 

"Hello, Bruce. I'm Dr. Octavius. Your arrival was most fortuitous. If you don't mind my asking, how did you happen to come here?" 

"I don't know. It was the strangest thing. I was going door to door looking for someplace to redecorate when I came across this horrid rundown little laboratory. The door was unlocked so I let myself in. Well, the place was in a complete state of disarray, I'll tell you what, so I went about doing some cleaning when I noticed this bookcase standing wide open. Behind it was an open door floating in the air. Well, I'm a curious boy so I stuck my head through it and the next thing I knew I was here. Oh gosh, I can't believe I landed on this poor man. Somebody get some medical attention quick!" 

"He'll be okay for the moment," Dr. Octavius said. "The important thing is our prophecy seems to have been fulfilled." Upon seeing their leader taken out of action, Trevor Mastodon's remaining henchmen had dropped their canisters and fled. 

"Wait, how has the prophecy been fulfilled?" Max asked. "This guy doesn't look like a half-monkey half-chicken!" 

"I'm not!" Bruce said indignantly. "In addition to monkey and chicken, I'm also made out of rabbit, dog, possum, snake, groundhog, squirrel, mongoose, deer, skunk, sea otter, and water buffalo. Dr. Wentworth made me out of road kill!" 

"Aha!" Dr. Octavius began chuckling. "So old Jonas is good for something after all. And it seems I need to pay better attention to specific phrasings. After all, Morton the Mystic said our ace-in-the-hole would be part monkey part chicken, not half and half. That does leave room for other animals to be in the mix as well. For now the question remains what do we do with Trevor Mastodon?" 

"We should torture him like he was going to do to us," Max said as he walked over and kicked him in the head. 

"Come now, we're supposed to be the good guys," Dr. Octavius said. "I suppose we could lock him up in the jail." 

"Yeah, Cuthbert's around here somewhere," Zeke said. "He works at the jail." 

Cuthbert had managed to give himself a black eye from his backfire but he appeared to have regained consciousness and be otherwise okay.  

"Well, what do you say, Cuthbert?" Dr. Octavius asked. "Do you have room for him in the jail?" 

"We have room. The problem is, well, um, we seem to have temporarily locked ourselves out of the building. We can't find the key anywhere although we're looking into the possibility that it may have somehow been ingested." 

"Hmm. That is a problem," Dr. Octavius remarked. 

"Hey, I've got an idea," Zeke said as he noticed Benjamin the tiger standing over in a corner munching sunflower seeds from his sphere. "What if we shrank him down with your miniaturizing ray and locked him up in Benjamin's sphere? You did say that thing locked, right?" 

"Oh, it locks all right, but let me finish eating my sunflower seeds first, okay? I don't want that jerk to have any." 

Dr. Octavius eyed Zeke suspiciously. "Did you touch my miniaturizing ray? You seem to have taken quite the unnatural interest in it." 

"Who me?" Zeke glanced around. "No sir. I'm just trying to 'think outside the box' and it seemed like a way to take care of our problem." 

"Well, I suppose it could work," Dr. Octavius said thoughtfully. "We'll have to haul him back to the lab though." 

"That's no problem," Sarah said. "We could toss him in Bobby's rickshaw." 

"Very well," Dr. Octavius said. "To the laboratory!" 

"Pardon me," Bruce spoke up. "I don't mean to interrupt but my nails are a complete mess after that nasty fall I took. Is there a beauty salon anywhere around here?"

* * * 

"So what now?" Sarah asked. The miniaturizing effort had been a success and Trevor Mastodon was locked safely away inside the sphere. The group they had gathered to fight had all gone their separate ways leaving Sarah, Zeke, and Max alone with Dr. Octavius in his laboratory. 

"Well, since my clone is no longer around to take care of affairs on Earth, I'm going to have to split my time between here and there," Dr. Octavius said. "I'm planning on returning there early tomorrow morning." 

"Count me in," Sarah said. "I can't say the past few days haven't been interesting, but I'm ready to get back home." 

"Hey, don't forget you owe me back pay," Max said. "I figured you'd try to skip town, but you can't put one over on a skilled detective such as myself." 

"Relax, you can have all of my floss. I won't be needing it anymore." 

"Really?" Max asked. "Woo hoo! Drinks are on me tonight!" 

"Will you be joining us tomorrow, Zeke?" Dr. Octavius asked. 

"Yeah, I guess it would be nice to sleep in my own bed again." 

"You're coming out drinking with me tonight, aren't you?" Max asked. "We've got to have a celebratory round in light of Trevor Mastodon's downfall. Not to mention a going away round since it's your last night in town." 

"I suppose I could have a couple drinks," Zeke conceded. "You're buying, right?" 

"Now don't you two stay out drinking all night," Sarah chided. "We want to get an early start in the morning." 

"Yes, mother," Max rolled his eyes. "Hey, why don't you join us for a round?" 

"No thanks," Sarah yawned. "After all the excitement today I'm completely exhausted. I think I'm just going to turn in." 

"Suit yourself," Max shrugged. "You ready to go, Zeke? I know this great joint nearby."

* * * 

"So anyways, I says to her, I says 'that's just when it's flaccid, baby!' Needless to say, it was love at first sight." Max polished off his drink and slammed the empty glass down on the bar. 

They had already consumed three house specials, seven brews, and the remains from the glasses left behind by a couple of women they had unsuccessfully tried to hit on. 

"Now that's a great story," Zeke belched. "If nothing else, this place has given me plenty of stories, even if nobody's going to believe me." 

"Here's to your last night in town," Max held up a glass from the newly arrived round. 

"Hear hear," Zeke said as they clinked glasses together and gulped down their drinks. "In a weird sort of way I guess I'm going to miss this place." 

"Aw, Zeke, that's sweet, but I'm not gay." 

"I didn't say you, I said this place," Zeke said. "Earth's pretty mundane and boring most of the time. But truthfully I like to have some peace and quiet now and then." 

"Of course," Max agreed. "If there's no quiet, when do you find time to masturbate?" 

"Exact-" Zeke nearly choked on his drink. "Wait a minute! That's not what I meant! Well, I guess it's actually true, but I was thinking more along the lines of it's nice not to have crazy monsters trying to kill you every day." 

"You don't have that on Earth?" Max asked. "Isn't your government power-hungry and out of control?" 

"Well, sort of, I guess. But you don't generally have senators trying to eat you or anything like that." 

"A likely story," Max snorted. "I bet they'd eat you if they got the chance." 

Zeke was about to answer but was startled by a heavy hand that suddenly fell on his shoulder. He turned around to see a disheveled and obviously inebriated Vance staring down at him. He was unshaven and had managed to find an old tattered Hawaiian shirt somewhere that didn't fit him very well. 

"What the fuck are you doing here, you little bitch?" Vance asked. 

"I'm enjoying a few drinks, now do you mind?" Zeke responded coldly. 

"As a matter of fact I do," Vance squeezed Zeke's shoulder harder. "I never liked your whiny little punk ass. If it hadn't been for you I never would have lost Sarah." 

"What?" Zeke asked incredulously. "I didn't have anything to do with that! I wasn't even around when it happened!" 

"I seen the way you look at her. You want to fuck her, don't you?" 

"Who doesn't?" Max commented as he sipped his drink. 

"You stay out of this, frog, or I'll beat your ass, too." 

"Yeah?" Max stood up unsteadily. "I'd like to see you try!" 

"I wasn't talking to you, fuck-face!" Vance said as he shoved Max roughly back into his stool. "This is between me and virgin-boy here." 

"You don't know anything about my sex life," Zeke objected. "So just shut up and leave us alone, okay?" 

"What are you going to do about it, faggot?" Vance taunted. 

Zeke didn't say anything but stared down at his drink. 

"Come on!" Vance shouted. "Are you gonna be a pussy your whole life? Why don't you fucking step outside and we'll settle this like men?" 

Zeke continued to hold his gaze on his glass for a minute and then he looked up. "Look, you're a lot bigger and stronger than me. I'm pretty sure you can kick my ass. But you know what? Physical strength isn't the only measure of manliness." 

"What are you getting at here, Zeke?" Max asked. 

"Don't worry, I've got this under control," Zeke said and then looked back at Vance. "I bet I can drink you under the table. What do you say? You up for a little drinking contest?" 

"Drinking contest?" Vance crinkled his forehead as if this turn of events was a bit complicated for his brain to process. 

"What's the matter, afraid you won't be able to hold your liquor?" Zeke asked. 

"I could out-drink a little twerp like you any day of the week," Vance smiled. "You're on!" 

"All right. Here are the conditions: If I pass out before you do feel free to kick my ass from here to Tuesday. But if you pass out before me you have to agree to leave me the fuck alone from now on. Do you agree?" 

"Yeah, I agree," Vance said. "I'll even take the first drink." 

"All right," Zeke said. "Let me order it for you." He waved a strand of floss until he got the bartender's attention. "One widowmaker please." 

"One widowmaker coming right up," the bartender said and returned a minute later with the drink. 

Zeke put some floss in the tip jar and presented the glass of bubbling purple liquid to Vance.  

Vance sniffed it uncertainly before shrugging his shoulders and shooting the whole thing down. He let out a satisfied breath and set the glass down with a cocky grin on his face. Suddenly his left eye closed involuntarily and his lips began to tremble. He let out a few incoherent sounds and then dropped to the floor. His body twitched a little but he was clearly out. 

"Looks like I win," Zeke smiled as he exchanged high-fives with Max. 

"Good job, old chap," Max laughed as he slapped Zeke on the back. He lifted his drink halfway to his mouth when suddenly he stopped short and his face fell. "Oh no! What the fuck is she doing here?" 

"Who?" Zeke asked looking over his shoulder. 

"My wife," Max groaned. "Quick! Hide me!" 

"Where?" Zeke asked. 

"Shit!" Max shouted. "Too late! She's coming over here!" 

Zeke turned around in time to see a stern-looking toad with dark red hair tied up in curlers and large saggy breasts approaching. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you! You come home right this instant!" 

"But honey!" Max whined. "I've been working on a very important case! You heard about Trevor Mastodon, didn't you?" 

"Oh please! Like you had anything to do with that!" his wife glared at him. 

"But I did," Max whimpered. "Ask Zeke." 

"I suppose you've been off playing 'detective' again! I know that really involves getting drunk and going to strip clubs with your bum friends! In the meantime your family's been worried sick about you! The tadpoles keep asking 'where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?' I had to tell them 'Daddy's a drunk!' Now you go straight home or there's going to be hell to pay! You got that?" 

"Yes dear," Max mumbled as his shoulders slumped and he stared at the floor. "I have to go now, Zeke." 

"Take care, man," Zeke said as he hoisted a glass in Max's honor. 

"And as for you," Max's wife whirled on Zeke. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're never going to get anywhere in life hanging out with drunkards like my worthless husband. You need to get a haircut, find yourself a nice girl, and settle down. You're young. There's still hope for you." 

"Yes, ma'am," Zeke said as he watched them walk out, Max's wife berating him every step of the way. "So long, Max." 

"Will you be having another drink, sir?" the bartender asked. 

"One more, and then I suppose I'd probably better get some sleep," Zeke said as he rolled out the last of his floss.