No sooner had they set foot outside the jail than Sarah spotted a large sign down the street that read "Clothing Store." They made their way towards the entrance but when Zeke reached for the door it disappeared and was replaced by a brick wall. "What the-?" he blurted in astonishment. 

A few seconds later another door materialized several feet from where the first one had been. He reached for it, but it too disappeared. "How come everything's gotta be so fucking crazy around this place?" he grumbled. 

"Let me try," Sarah said, as another door appeared a few feet from where the previous one had been. It seemed her luck was no better as it vanished a few tantalizing milliseconds before she could grasp it.  

"All right," Zeke said as he cracked his knuckles. "I'm going to beat this thing, damn it!" Another door popped up right in front of him and he lunged at it. This time he caught firmly ahold of the doorknob. "Aha!" he shouted and twisted it. Rather than swinging aside, however, it fell forward on top of him, pinning him to the ground. But on the plus side it revealed an entrance to the store in the process. 

"Are you all right?" Sarah winced. 

He didn't answer, but closed his eyes and considered the situation for a moment. "Okay," he said with labored breath. "Listen carefully. I need you to help me get out from under this door, but don't let it close under any circumstances."  

"No problem." She started to pull the door upwards. It was heavy at first, but soon it seemed to want to slam back into its closed position. She wedged her foot firmly into the doorway and pulled Zeke to his feet. "Well, shall we enter?" 

"Sure," Zeke replied brushing the dirt off his shirt. 

They walked into the store and were somewhat surprised to see a large assortment of boxes and strange devices stacked all over the place, none of which were identifiable in their own right, but were certainly not clothing. 

Zeke picked up an item that appeared to be a golf ball connected to a can of beans by some sort of elastic paper clip. He examined it carefully but couldn't even begin to fathom the purpose of it. 

"Don't touch that!" a voice called out. Zeke dropped it on the floor and looked around nervously.  

Suddenly a large, somewhat feline-looking creature jumped out from behind a box. It had a long flowing mullet, which it groomed frequently. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to startle you. It's just you never know when one of those things is going to go off." 

"I see," Zeke said, tapping his front teeth lightly with his finger. 

"Feel free to look around, but I wouldn't touch anything if I were you. Some strange things have been known to happen." 

"Excuse me," Sarah interrupted. "Where are your clothes at?" 

The creature scratched its head quizzically. "Why, I'm wearing them aren't I? Yep. It looks like I am. Good heavens, I'd hate to be walking around naked and not even know it. But then, I suppose that's always a possibility." 

"No, I mean where do you keep the clothes that you're selling?" 

"What? I'm not selling any clothes. At least not that I'm aware of anyway." 

"But your sign says you're a clothing store." 

"It does? Fascinating. Very unpredictable, that sign. You never know what it's going to say from one moment to the next." 

"What exactly is going on here anyway?" Zeke asked. 

"Good question. Who knows? Oh, but I suppose you were under the impression that this was a clothing store. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Ernie. Ernie Heisenberg. And this is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe." 

"Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe?" Zeke repeated. "What, I suppose you specialize in nuclear physics or quantum mechanics or something like that?" 

"Well, not as such, but I suppose it's always possible. Truth is, you never know exactly what you're going to get here. Hence the term, Uncertainty Shoppe."  

"Wait a minute," Zeke rubbed his temples in confusion. "Let me get this straight. You don't know what you're selling?" 

"Nope," Ernie replied. "Haven't got a clue. I don't know what any of this stuff is or what it does. And to make matters worse my stock seems to have a nasty habit of changing randomly. One day an item will be here and the next day it'll be gone and something else will turn up in its place. Taking inventory's a real nightmare and it makes the accounting department have fits, I'll tell you that." 

"I'm sorry," Zeke said. "What exactly is the point of this store?" 

"Who knows?" Ernie shrugged. 

"Well, then why does it exist?" 

"Why does the sun shine? Why does the grass grow? Why are you and I alive and having this conversation right now? It exists because it does. Of course, knowing the nature of this store I wouldn't be terribly surprised if it just randomly blinked out of existence one of these days. You never really know what's going to happen." 

"Does anybody ever actually shop here?" 

"Hmm. Well, the two of you are in here, so I would have to say yes." 

"This place is crazy," Zeke mumbled. "It's like the opposite of a convenience store.  Welcome to the world's first inconvenience store.  Come on, Sarah. Let's get out of here. We can get a shirt back at the tourist bureau." 

"Hold on a minute. I think I found something in this box over here." Sarah had been browsing around while Zeke and Ernie were conversing. She held up a dark blue Hawaiian shirt with white palm tree imprints. "This is perfect. How much do you want for it?" 

Ernie pranced over and considered it carefully. "Hmm. Let's say three strands of floss. Sound good?" 

"Deal," she said and peeled off the floss. "All right, let's head on back to the jail." 

"Thank you for shopping at Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe," Ernie purred cheerfully. "Be sure to tell all your friends about us. Oh yeah, and good luck getting out of here. You thought the entrance was uncertain, I haven't seen the exit in three weeks."

* * *

Unbeknownst to Sarah, the shirt she had purchased was actually Prince Grover from the distant planet Orf. He had been unceremoniously transformed into a Hawaiian shirt and banished into the cosmos after being caught playing foosball naked with the court magician's daughter. Somehow he had turned up in Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe and there he remained, biding his time, waiting for somebody to buy him and wear him so he could begin taking the necessary steps that would break his curse and allow him to return to the planet Orf.  

"Excellent," he thought to himself. "It's only a matter of time now."

* * *

After a spot of difficulty Sarah discovered the exit hidden behind a snow cone dispenser in the corner of the store. They made their way outside and headed back to the jail. As they walked in the warden looked up gruffly at them. "Yes? How can I help you?" 

"Don't you remember us?" Sarah asked. "We were just here twenty minutes ago." 

The warden eyed them suspiciously. "Never seen you before in my life. And I should know. I have a memory like an elephant. Especially for faces. I never forget faces." 

"Right," Sarah sighed. "So anyway we're here to retrieve Vance." 

"Who?" 

"You know, the tourist who got in a fight down at the tavern." 

"Oh yes, yes. The mouthy guy. Slipped my mind for a second there. Well, anyway, we're still waiting for Cuthbert to produce the key. We thought we found it a little while ago, but it turned out to just be a key-shaped piece of excrement.  After much consideration, Cuthbert ate that as well." 

"Would you mind sparing us the details?" Zeke wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Why don't you just let us know when the key is recovered?" 

As if on cue, Cuthbert came bursting into the room wagging his tail excitedly and holding the key triumphantly in his paw. "I got it! I got it! For reals this time!" 

"Very good! Now bring in the prisoner!" 

"Uh," Cuthbert stuttered. "Where is the prisoner, sir?" 

"What the-?" the warden sputtered in frustration. "I thought he was with you!" He looked over and noticed Zeke and Sarah staring at him. "Don't worry, folks. Everything's under control. Cuthbert, would you mind speaking to me over in the corner for a moment?" They stepped away a few paces and proceeded to have a frantic muffled conversation that included much paw waving and nervous eye movement. 

Abruptly they stopped talking and the warden returned to his desk as Cuthbert dashed out of the room. "Ah, it seems we stuck him in the walk-in freezer for a moment and forgot that we left him there. But don't worry. Cuthbert is retrieving him as we speak." 

Zeke giggled in spite of himself, loving every torturous moment Vance was being forced to endure. 

Sarah, on the other hand, was not pleased. "If anything's happened to him you'll be sorry. I'll neuter you myself if I have to." 

Zeke stopped laughing abruptly. He had not been fully aware of this "tough" side of Sarah and it scared him a little. But it also made her seem even sexier, if that was possible. He reached in his pocket in what he hoped was a casual manner and adjusted himself. 

Cuthbert returned a few minutes later with a shivering Vance whose skin seemed to have taken on a slightly bluish tint. Sarah rushed over and threw her arms around him. "Oh honey, don't worry. I'll get you nice and warmed up soon." 

Zeke turned away and frowned bitterly. "Stupid Vance," he thought to himself. "And stupid Sarah for liking that stupid jerk. Man, my life sucks. I could sure use a beer about now." 

It occurred to him that it might be nice to cut short the general icky-ness that was about to follow between the two lovebirds. So he cleared his throat loudly. 

"Need a cough drop?" Cuthbert volunteered, holding forth a little red lozenge. "I found it on the floor!" 

"Uh, no thanks. I was just thinking that we should maybe get going now. We still need to find Dr. Octavius." 

The mention of her uncle's name seemed to snap Sarah's attention away from Vance. "You're right, Zeke. We've wasted too much time already." 

"But lambykins," Vance pouted. "My ordeals have left me weary and the hour grows late. Perhaps we should seek out lodging?" 

"The Galloping Centipede Inn is right around the corner from here," Cuthbert suggested. "They have pretty good prices. If you're in good with the managers you can even rent rooms by the hour. Why, just last weekend I got a room for an hour for just two canisters after I picked up a hooker in the southeastern quadrant. Man, oh man was she ever something. Once you've had a Golden Retriever it's hard to go back." 

"Thanks for the info," Zeke shuddered. "Is everything in order here? Can we go?" 

The warden, who had been zoning out, snapped back to attention. "Let me see. The forms are all signed, the fine has been paid, and the prisoner is out of his cuffs. Looks okay. Have a good day, folks." 

"Here, thou may retain this foul garment," Vance said as he returned the prison's shirt. "I shall be happier clad in yonder vestments." 

"When you get to the Galloping Centipede, tell them Cuthbert sent you!" the poodle said excitedly.

* * *

As Vance pulled on his new "shirt" he felt an odd tingling sensation in his spine. This was due to Prince Grover making contact with Vance's nervous system in an attempt to take manual control of his brain. The prince was pleased to find that his new host body was mean, stupid, and above all pliable. All of these were perfect attributes to help him perform the necessary rituals to return him to his true form. He decided the best course of action was to remain dormant for the time being and apply subtle manipulations as the need arose. If he had been in possession of a mouth he would have smiled broadly.  

Just to test the waters he tried to make Vance do so. A big stupid grin spread across Vance's face.  

"Excellent," the prince thought. "Everything is working out perfectly."

* * *

It didn't take them long to find the Galloping Centipede. It was a ten story octagonal building with a giant glowing portrait of a centipede wrapped around its exterior. Zeke was relieved to discover it had a normally functioning revolving doorway as its entrance. The lobby area was decorated with many portraits and sculptures of centipedes as well as a few couches that were occupied by various creatures all wearing the usual Hawaiian shirt ensemble.  

Zeke half expected a giant walking talking centipede to greet them at the front desk, but instead it was manned by what could only be described as a big green fur ball with small eyes and a big mouth. It seemed to be wearing a uniform-style Hawaiian shirt decorated with centipedes and company logos. It also had a nametag on its left breast pocket that read simply "Jeffrey." 

"Hello Jeffrey," Sarah said cheerfully. "We'd like to check in." 

Jeffrey eyed them snootily. "I'm terribly sorry but there are simply no rooms available. Big convention in town. We're all full up. Booked solid. You'll have to go somewhere else. Good day." He turned away and began looking at a magazine. He hadn't sounded very sorry at all. 

"But the tourist bureau didn't mention any conventions," Sarah said with a slightly puzzled look on her face. "In fact we were informed there were hardly any tourists in town at all these days." 

A look of irritation crossed Jeffrey's face as he looked up from his magazine. "The convention is being attended largely by locals. We have no rooms. Now please go." He immediately returned his attention to his reading. 

"But if they're all locals why do they need to stay in a hotel? Couldn't they sleep at home?" Sarah asked exasperatedly. 

"Listen, missy. I don't care for the tone of your voice. I believe I made myself perfectly clear. We have no vacancy. Now leave at once or I shall be forced to call the police." 

Sarah clenched her lips and fists and Zeke wondered if she was about to punch the furry green desk clerk. It was rather funny. All this time and Zeke had never noticed that Sarah had such a temper. He made a mental note not to piss her off if he could help it. 

Sensing the tension in the air, the Neanderthal part of Vance's brain kicked in and he stepped forward to thump his chest a bit. "Speak ye not in such a manner to this maiden or verily I shall smite thee, knave." 

Jeffrey sighed impatiently and pulled out a small metal device and pointed it at Vance. He pushed a button and a red bolt of electricity shot out and zapped Vance, knocking him onto his back. 

"Wow, I've gotta get me one of those things," Zeke thought to himself. 

Sarah's eyes widened in surprise, but throwing caution to the wind she continued to confront the desk clerk. "What did you just do to him?" 

"I just shocked him a little. And I'd stand back if I were you, missy. I won't hesitate to use it on you either, you impertinent shrew." 

Sarah's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "How dare you speak to me that way?" 

"Uh, Sarah?" Zeke grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back a few steps. "You might want to think this over a bit. He does have that electric shock thingy. Don't get me wrong, you're one badass woman, but you saw what that thing just did to Vance, didn't you?" He looked over at Vance who still lay stunned on the ground. He groaned but didn't appear ready to stand up right away. 

"But he called me an impertinent shrew!" 

"Yes. Yes he did. But when you've got a people zapper like he does you can get away with things like that."  

Sarah chewed on her lip angrily but didn't argue.  

Zeke glanced at the desk clerk and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Look, maybe this situation calls for a bit more finesse. The confrontational approach clearly isn't working. Maybe we can bribe this guy with a couple canisters of floss. Or barring that maybe he can at least direct us to another hotel." 

"Okay, try it your way," Sarah fumed. "But if that doesn't work, I swear I'm going to kick him in his furry green ass." 

Zeke considered that image for a moment and then shrugged it off. "Uh, by the way do you mind contributing a canister to the bribing cause?" Some people might call Zeke "cheap" but he preferred the term "frugal." 

"Sure, whatever," Sarah muttered as she tossed him some floss. 

Zeke cleared his throat and cautiously approached the front desk, still wary of the zapper. "Excuse me, my good man." 

Jeffrey looked up and rolled his eyes. "What do you want?" 

"I'd just like to apologize for the behavior of my friends. We've spent some time down at Smelly Pete's Tavern today and they're just a bit liquored up. They didn't mean anything by it." He paused a moment to see if Jeffrey was buying his story.  

The desk clerk appeared rather bored. "Apology accepted. Now please leave." 

Zeke rubbed his nose nervously and then smiled in what he hoped was a congenial manner. "Sure, sure. We'll be on our way in just a moment, but I was wondering if you couldn't find it in your heart to just recheck the register real quick and make sure there isn't a vacant room tucked away somewhere that you're possibly overlooking." He slowly and deliberately placed a canister of floss on the counter. 

Jeffrey looked at the floss, and then glanced at Zeke for a second before looking at the floss again. He grabbed it and put it in his pocket. "No need to recheck the register. We're completely full. Like I said, there's a big convention going on. Good day." 

Zeke stared helplessly at the pocket in which the wasted floss had disappeared. "But... but... but Cuthbert sent us," he said weakly. He was admittedly grasping at straws now. 

Something seemed to change in Jeffrey's face. "Cuthbert sent you? Well why didn't you say so in the first place? I didn't know you were friends with old Cuthy. That changes everything." He hopped up and began searching through a drawer filled with keys. "I'm sure we can squeeze you in somewhere. Here you go. Room 503. Second door on your left up on the Fifth floor. Cuthbert takes all his hookers up there." 

"Now that I didn't need to know," Zeke shuddered as he accepted the key. 

"Checkout time's at noon and breakfast is served in the lobby every morning. You can pay when you check out and I hope you all have a very pleasant stay here at the Galloping Centipede Inn." 

"Thanks," Zeke said, amazed at the sudden change in the desk clerk's attitude.  

Sarah stared at him in disbelief. "How did you do that?" 

Zeke shrugged and cracked his knuckles. "What can I say? Some people just naturally have strong persuasive powers. Now let's get on up to the room." 

"No, we'd better make sure Vance is okay first." 

"Don't worry about him. He's a big tough guy. He'll be all right, just leave him there. We don't need him anyway."  

Sarah was completely ignoring him and tending to Vance who seemed to be coming around. "Are you all right, honey?" 

"But... but..." Zeke stuttered. "Persuasive powers... I've got 'em, remember? Come on! Listen to me!" Seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere he slumped his shoulders and muttered to himself. 

Vance stood slowly to his feet and grasped his head. "Alas, I feel woozy." 

"Aw, poor Vance," Sarah kissed him on the forehead. "Well, it'll be okay. We've got a room now. You can go upstairs and lie down." 

"My gratitude unto thee is most sincere, sweet Sarah." 

"But I'm the one who got us the room," Zeke grumbled. "What are you thanking her for?" 

Vance and Sarah continued to ignore him as they were too involved in making kissy faces at each other. 

"Ahem," Zeke cleared his throat loudly. "Don't forget I still have the key. You two can stay down here if you want, but I'm going up to the room." 

Sarah finally seemed to acknowledge him. "Okay, let's go find it."

* * *

They found their room after a brief spot of difficulty with the elevators, which were quite unlike any elevators they had encountered before. Rather than having a movable platform that moved from one floor to the next they appeared to be clear plastic tubes with an opening on each floor and no platform whatsoever. After pondering them for a moment without gleaning any sort of clue as to how they might work, Zeke cautiously stuck a hand into the tube. His whole body was instantly sucked in and he shot straight up to the top floor, then dropped down to the first floor before being flung to the top again. This cycle repeated itself several times before he got the knack of jumping out at the proper floor. Learning from his experience, Vance and Sarah mastered the technique a little quicker, although it did take Sarah a couple of tries to get off on the fifth floor.  

Zeke unlocked the door to reveal a small, sparsely furnished room. Its most prominent feature was the bed, which appeared to have a hundred legs. Next to it was a nightstand with a glowing red disk that apparently served as the only light source in the room other than a small cracked window. The carpet was bright green and shaggy and didn't appear as if it had been cleaned in awhile. There was also a dresser situated across from the bed, but all of its drawers were padlocked shut. A tiny bathroom adjoined on the right.  

"Well," Zeke said. "This is certainly quaint. Looks like there's just a single bed. I'll paper-rock-scissors you guys to see who gets it." 

"Yonder bedding appears large enough to accommodate two, nay my sweet?" Vance asked as he caressed Sarah's arm. 

"We've slept in smaller beds than that before," Sarah said with a devilish look in her eye. 

"Methinks there shan't be much in the way of slumber occurring in it," Vance said as he rubbed his hands together and licked his lips lecherously. 

"Oh Vance, you're so naughty," Sarah giggled as she took his hand and moved towards the bed. 

"Hey wait a minute!" Zeke protested. "You can't just take the bed! Come on! I don't like sleeping on floors. I have a very sensitive back." 

Sarah ignored him and slipped under the covers, pulling Vance after her. 

"Damn it, you guys," Zeke scowled as he started to lie on the ground. "Okay, but I'm sending you my next chiropractor's bill. Stupid couples. I hate people in relationships." 

Vance flung a shoe at Zeke's head. "Get thee gone, peon. Sarah and I have festivities to attend to in privacy." 

"But where the hell am I supposed to go?" Zeke whined. 

"That concerns me not," Vance murmured between kisses. "Now depart afore I separate thy skull from thy shoulder blades." 

Zeke flung his hands in the air, stood up and stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him. 

Vance got a strange gleam in his eyes. "A thousand pardons, but I must insist the shirt remain upon my back." 

"Okay, baby," Sarah said as she kissed him passionately. "This is a new twist. But whatever floats your boat."