092:

                                                                                                *****

It was snowing heavily when Tracy turned the van into the driveway in Park City once again, and stopped inside the garage. The automatic door was going down and she unfastened her seat belt as the small dim light came on. She stayed there, feeling the weight, that heaviness that permeated her trying to hold her down. Hands pushed off from the steering wheel forcefully.

She carried Danny, who was sleeping, into the house through the garage door and up the stairs to the living room, which is where they spent most of their time. The twins' travel beds were there and their swings. She dragged herself back after covering him, to get the twins and their gear. Once they were both fed and changed, and happily wound into their swings, she kicked off her shoes and flopped onto the couch looking out the window.

What to do? I could read Austin's new script. No. Too much effort. I could email Julian. She shook her head, don't feel like it. I could call Julian. No. I don't want to talk. I could call Bridget. I still don't want to talk. I could fix dinner. Not hungry.

She snuggled further down on the couch and pulled up the blanket she'd left there from that morning. In seconds, she was asleep.

And she didn't wake even when Danny got up, and climbed up on the counters and got himself a bowl of cereal. The only thing that woke her was the babies crying.

The TV was on. She stared around blearily, feeling that same heaviness, it was the only way to describe it. Heavy. I am so heavy.

"Play with me, momma?" Danny's voice came to her.

She pushed herself up on one elbow. Her head still felt heavy. Tears came to her eyes for no reason. She shook herself and tried to sit up more, swing her legs over the edge of the couch. But it was an effort.

"Can you play cars with me?" Danny asked again.

"I have to nurse the babies." She said, feeling the weight of responsibility for the babies as well.

All she really wanted to do was sleep.

"When's Richie coming back?" Danny had spread his car town all over the floor in front of the fireplace.

"Two years." She said and went to pick up Megan.

"How long is that?"

"Long."

"Can Raine come back and play?"

"No."

"I want my brother to come and play."

"He can't come either."

"When will he come?"

"Where he's at he can see you sometimes, but you can't see him. He doesn't have a body anymore, just his spirit. He's with Heavenly Father...." She brought both babies to the couch and plopped back down, pulling up her shirt.

"That's why I talk to him, but he never talks to me." Danny said solemnly.

"I know, honey."

"I want Richie to come play."

"Richie went on his mission. Remember we went to the MTC?"

"What's MTC?''

"Missionary Training Center. It's where Richie will stay for a couple of weeks learning how to be a missionary.''

"Is he going to be in a movie about missionaries?"

''No. Why?" she smiled.

"Cause that's when you learn. You are going to be in a movie."

She snorted. "You can learn anytime. You can go to school."

"Not for a movie? Is Richie in school?"

"No. He's in the MTC. He's going to be a missionary."

"Am I going to be a missionary?" She wasn't following him.

Her eyes felt weighted, stinging, the only way to ease the pain was sleep. Tracy drifted, dozed and finally fell deeply into exhausted slumber.

*****