*****115:

They stopped in Brighton to see Bridget and Julian. Leary of meeting at their home, or opening any can of worms they weren't individually prepared for, Tracy left all the children except Danny at Lorraine's and simply stopped in without warning.

Julian was downstairs in his home, meditating, after having just got home from a discovery trek in India. Bridget had also just arrived home from Budapest, where she'd been working on her doctorate. They were happy to see her, if a little self-absorbed, and Tracy felt that there were weird discrepancies in their behavior.

They addressed this issue after eating a light lunch in the garden.

"So, do you find your life empty now that everyone is gone?" Julian asked her as they sat in the overcast sunshine, wearing t-shirts and shorts.

"My life feels empty." Bridget replied casually. "I miss Casey and the music and the business."

"I don't miss the drama." Julian stated.

"Well, you guys seem to have done a pretty good job of covering it up with escapes. What do you think? Have you found anything you're searching for?" This from Tracy who had had enough of the fake atmosphere from people she knew better than any others on the planet.

When they stared at her vacantly, without answering she went on. "Missing the music is one thing, I miss the band to some extent, and I've thought a lot about you guys, but when ever I've called you've been out of the country, or out of service on your cells."

Still no reply.

"Well, I've found things to absorb my time, but what I want to know is are you coping?"

They both stared at her. Finally Julian looked directly at her. "It's hard to see you, Trace, without Casey around, without Raine and Steven."

"Well, they're not here, you just have to get used to it." She announced impatiently. "Is that why you don't return my calls?"

"Your dynamic has changed so drastically." Bridget said softly. "You're not the same person."

Tracy shrugged. "But I'm still me. I still love you guys and need to talk to you. This has been the hardest time in my life and you've been noticeably absent."

Again the silent communication that left Tracy feeling left out and frustrated.

"We've been searching, as you indicated." Julian said, sounding not a bit like his old self. Tracy blinked in consternation and Julian picked up on it. "Seeing you alone is very hard, Trace. Knowing what you're going through and not being able to help you is what is keeping me away."

"Actually seeing your strength in the face of my weakness is what keeps me away." Bridget said. "I feel like I am dying along with Casey and you have moved on with your life with even more loss."

"It's unreal." Julian said leaning forward to stare into her eyes in the shadows of the overhanging trees and the pale sun.

"What's unreal, Jules? Why haven't you called me? I don't understand."

"You, Trace, you are unreal. You barely even satisfied the grief for Case, and then you lost Raine and Steven. How can you function? I can't get away from the pain."

Tracy blew out her breath. "The secret lies in getting out of self, Jules. Do something for someone else. Why are you searching for things to make you feel better when you could be searching for things to make others feel better and in so doing find what you are needing as well."

"How trite." Bridget said and laughed. "Serving others helps you... how Christian."

"Yeah, so what? It works." Tracy said defensively. "You know, I didn't come here to feel worried about you, you guys have always searched in different places than me, but now I am feeling a little anxious. Neither of you seem to be getting through this, let alone getting over it."

"Everybody has their masks, Trace, yours... you just like to hide behind little children."

"Hide behind.... Okay?" She tried to follow the logic and failed. "I'll have to think about that one a bit."

Silence lengthened where understanding should have been and Tracy found herself hoping that this was a passing phase and that things would get better in time. When they left, she hugged both of her friends fiercely but didn't voice her concerns at all. On the drive back to London, she found herself contemplating how grateful she was for the lessons she was learning about life from her experiences.

*****