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"So you like to kiss."

"It's not that.... Necessarily." She was really trying for honesty here. "I think I got the impression in my younger days...." Since she was so old now..... "That you know.... I could feel for many people, like.... Okay with them.... like family. I think it stems from not having a good family life when I was little, and accepting others as that close circle of family. Like right now, I've opened two alternative birthing centers, which are also adoption agencies, but really they are to help unwed mothers get on their feet and get educated, so they break the cycle of poverty and dependence. I want them to not feel trapped. I think I felt trapped as a kid, like there was no other choice, but.... Now I accept some people into a closer circle in my life, and maybe...." She sighed. "Maybe that's wrong."

"How can that be wrong?"

"It gives some people, Jules, for instance," And it hurt to admit that, hurt really bad. "The impression that.... Well, that.... Well, it's just not...."

"I get it." He said shortly, "But then how do you know that the other people you've accepted into this circle are really just brothers and sisters and that one of them isn't a lover?"

"Well, I've talked to Austin about it, and we agreed that we really are brother and sister."

"And you've kissed Austin?"

Her face screwed up. "Not really. I mean just on set. No, we haven't kissed, it's too weird. We really are like.... Okay." She was remembering the movies and the mall and the dart board a few weeks ago. "There was a moment when he thought maybe, but it wasn't.... no." she said.

"You sure get wishy washy when you try and explain this. But go on. Did you kiss Julian?"

"I've been sleeping with Julian since I was twelve."

"Sleeping with...."

"In the same bed with him, me and Casey and Bridget, started with same room, same back of the van on the way home from gigs, same bed.... Doggie piles... they're famous by now, don't tell me it's a part of stupid Pepper's history you don't know. Is there actually someone out there that really doesn't know?"

He sorted through her diatribe and then came back to her with a smile. "So you kissed him."

Tracy blushed to her roots.

"I'll be damned." He said, and hooted, slapping his knee. "You really kissed him, I mean really kissed him, like you meant to kiss him and you really wanted it kissed him. And you sit here and protest that you aren't in love with him, crap, you...."

She slapped his arm, playfully but with a hint of the sudden anger she felt. "I don't love him like that, okay? I never will. I don't love Jules enough to be his lover, I love him too much to be his lover. We aren't compatible." Her words were so stilted, so firm, and so almost ready to cry. Blaze stopped guffawing and ran a hand through his hair, staring suddenly back into the fire.

"That's heavy." He said.

"It's confusing."

"It's bullshit." He went on. "You're...."

Tracy kicked him and got up and ran to the sink, her chest heaving with emotion. "Why the hell am I telling you this? You... I hardly know you... it's just another evidence that I am a stupid judge of character. I shouldn't have kissed you. I didn't mean it in a loverly fashion, it was really to seal the moment. I shouldn't seal moments like that." She pulled at her hair in hostility, and immediately felt the build. Before another second could go by she ran out the door, stocking feet and all, felt the late afternoon breeze hit her full force, in the freezing temperatures, and stood there, looking around for a place to ground out. Her head was pounding. How she hated this! Breathe, she commanded herself. Breathe slowly.

He came out and stood there watching her. Julian had also warned him about her flaring temper, and the weird current that prevented him from touching her at the moment. Well, he'd pushed that button. This was no disingenuous little starlet. This woman was extremely complex.

"It's too cold out here, come back inside."

She stood a little way away, her hair blowing unrestrained around her face, into her eyes. "In a minute." She gritted, gasping for air. He knew she must be coping with her condition, and hoped that she could get a hold of it.

"Tell me about Raine. You loved Raine right?" he thought if he could divert her....

"Don't talk to me about him." She shouted. "I don't want to build anymore."

"Build?"

Tracy turned away from him, her hand to her head. Get control!

Snow gusted into her face suddenly and she drew in her breath at exactly that moment so that it went up her nose and into her mouth. To her vast relief, the hot blinding pain in her head receded. More snow, then, she thought and breathed in once again. Snow did not go up her nose, nor make her want to cough, but the headache receded further. She finally nodded and turned. He was still standing there in the doorway, watching her. Just a guy. Just an ordinary guy.

She went back in, got a glass of water and sat on the couch. He stood by the sink. "It's hard for a guy like me to not want a girl like you after we shared that kind of intimacy last night." He said easily, choosing to ignore the last fifteen minutes, for which she was grateful.

She nodded, and sipped her water.

"So, after talking to you, though, I can see I'm not going to change your mind anytime soon, about us sharing more intimacy."

She gave him a look. "Is that what you brought me up here for?"

He shrugged. "With another woman, it might have happened." He smiled and came to sit beside her on the couch, still not touching at all. "With most other women it would have happened."

No comment. Obviously, she wasn't most other women. Obviously, she was coming to understand that, and so were the men around her, whether they were in her life or not. She was different. She needed to acknowledge that, and believe it. She had to discover it. She had to contain it. She was different. She was the weird one... okay, not that word. Weird was too juvenile. But she was not like the majority of her peers in the profession or even outside it. For some reason, her life had shaped her to be a contradiction.

And... she needed to be responsible for the difference. For some reason, the difference, the liberal, but not liberal side of her was very attractive to guys.... All guys. Why? Because guys can't live without women, she thought. They really, secretly deep down want to be absolutely adored by a woman... they really, and truly wanted to be married and be tied together for eternity. But what they usually got when they went after a woman was sex. And usually that was enough, they felt empty but they didn't believe it, they thought it was all good, and they kept seeking it. But really it wasn't what they wanted.

And whether it was in the industry profession where women of looser moral values were more easily found, or all over, she didn't know. But the trend was toward short-term sex-based relationships. It was what Casey had wanted, although he sensed that he wouldn't get it with her, so he'd put on the act, trying to trick her, and she being the gullible child, and conditioned to love him, thought.... Well, anyway. It was what Raine had believed and lived his life to accept, so that there was no problem sliding into it when the time was right. Tears came to her eyes at that thought. It was what Austin and Richard sensed and Julian knew, but none of them could reconcile, at least not right away, the fact that she couldn't give anything less. They didn't really believe it. They still somehow thought that if they could get her to bed....she shied away from this answer. If they could just get her to kiss them, then bed would soon follow, and if they could get her to that point, then.... Answer it, she yelled inside.... Then love and marriage and eternity would be the outcome.

Maybe it should be... maybe the order was skewed, it should be the love first, then the marriage and then the sex and then the eternity. But that wasn't what was going on in her life. She wasn't confused about it, she was too immersed in it. It was so ingrained, but somehow, they didn't manage to believe it. None of them did.... Maybe Raine.... But even Richard?

"You want to go?" he finally said when she hadn't answered anything in ten minutes. Tracy came out of her reverie and sighed, shaking her head in disgust at herself. She managed a smile.

"I'm a poor companion today, I guess." She said after another minute.

"No, you are awesome. I want something you can't give, and the conversation... well... we really don't know each other well enough for it." He shrugged. "So......" he held out his hand toward the fire and cocked a shoulder at her. "The way I see it, we have two choices. We can either decide to get to know each other better so that conversation is possible, or we can have a one afternoon make out session and call it good."

Tracy sputtered a laugh and kicked him playfully. "What about neither? What about the way I see it?"

"Okay? How do you see it?"

"The way I see it, we shared one fantastic evening of music and because of circumstances throughout my day, I felt very close to you and you responded as if not those things were at play, but a desire for sex. It's really understandable, but it was a misunderstanding. Today was wonderful. I had a great time skating and having lunch, talking. I would really like to get to know you better. So........" she batted her eyes at him when he turned to check them for sincerity. "I suggest we enjoy the rest of the afternoon, actually talking about non-controversial things, like my idea of normal people, who don't rush into.... Anyway.... And then when we get back stateside, we spend some time together with the music, like I promised last night."

Blaze fingered his goatee thoughtfully, turning once to contemplate the fire, and then again to the girl sitting behind him on the couch. "Isn't that one of the suggestions I proposed?"

"Spending some more time together? Yeah." She quipped.

"Then you borrowed it from me." he said forthrightly.

"I'll concede that, perhaps." She answered.

"Concede? Perhaps?" he repeated, and then without warning, scooted up onto the couch as she scooted down into a smaller ball, anticipating the next move which was what she thought... a tickle session.

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