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But Austin wanted a diversion. "Tell me about yesterday." He said. A baby in a porta-crib began to stir, so she made her way over to the window overlooking the slopes. She picked Melia up and settled on the couch to nurse her, as she sleepily rooted around.

"It was hair-raising." She said. He brought his mug of hot something and sat across from her, clicking off the Transformer movie the boys had left on the TV.

He nodded seriously, obviously putting his altercation with Lisa behind for the moment, to focus on her courtroom experience.

She shrugged again, lifting a shoulder in dismissal. "It wasn't exactly a courtroom proceeding. Andria and I went in front of the judge and gave evidence, a testimony-- sort of. The guy was there, with his representative. A couple of doctors and a family member who knew him well also spoke. It was informal, a hearing only. It won't go to trial. He obviously has some serious disorders, probably schizophrenia. By obviously, I have to say.... It was very obvious. He didn't even know who I was. They motioned to lock him up in protective custody, probably for life. He won't be allowed into familial care due to the nature of his obsessions, and his criminal background, but there's no redress either. I have nothing..."

"Not that you wanted anything."

"No, not like monetarily. The insurance has covered everything. They were spectacular, really. Replaced everything replaceable or reimbursed for monetary value things that couldn't be replaced. But.... Well.... Nothing will bring Raine and Steven back. Nothing can take their place. Even if the guy had been totally sane and was locked up the rest of his life I still wouldn't have any kind of closure. I have come to accept the fact that I won't. There is no closure. What is done is not undoable. I have to leave it in the Lord's hands."

"And have you?" he asked.

She yawned. "Sure, as far as my head goes. I know. I know where they are, and all that. No doubt. I know my course in life is going to move on. Without them. Yeah, I know it. That doesn't help me accept it. I don't necessarily think it was His will, or anything. In fact, I don't think that. But I think He can work through our problems to bless us still. I don't think it was an original plan or anything. I'm not even sure there is that kind of plan for us. I think callings are limited, like.... Not manipulated. I don't think... never mind I don't know what I think."

"Don't get frustrated, keep trying, I'm listening." He said, not moving an inch. He sipped his drink and watched her carefully.

"I think God has a master plan for all of us. Within that plan are many contingencies based on our use of agency. His plan is not subverted by our agency but rather upheld by it. We make decisions and he helps us, he tests us, he works to help us draw closer to him, to perfect us. But I don't think he plans out every move in our lives and then puts obstacles in our path to create issues for us."

"How does that relate to this situation?"

She smiled, recognizing his intellect at work, something she had always admired about him. He grasped gospel knowledge easily and applied it easily too. "I chose to buy a house, I chose to marry Raine, I chose to adopt Steven and Danny, I chose to stay active in my field, I chose to tour, make records, act in films, travel. I asked for guidance from the Lord, and I went with the best choices as far as I could tell the spirit whispered to me that they were good choices. The Lord worked through my choices to help me find happiness, and to test my character, to help me increase, like Jesus did, in wisdom, stature, and in favor with God and man. This guy, Arnest, he also made choices. He chose to follow the band around, he chose some of his actions, and he did not choose, as far as I can tell, to include the Lord's opinion in that. I don't know at what point he is or isn't accountable for his actions. I don't know if he knew there were people in the house, and he tried to kill them, or if he simply meant to burn the house down. I don't know what he was thinking, and to my best observation, neither does he. He doesn't really remember doing it. His mind and logic have already moved on to other stalking adventures. He's off on Tom Cruise now. It's obvious that he needs to be locked up, and it's obvious that normal incarceration is out of the question. Did the Lord work through his agency to help him the best he can? I believe so. Could he have stopped this guy from burning down my house with my husband and child inside? Yes. But will he violate agency? No, not usually. Not for the sake of Arnest. Someone else would have to have been praying pretty strongly for him, and there would have needed to be a purpose it in. That's where trust comes in. I guess I have to just trust the Lord for the answers to all my questions."

"Did God make Arnest insane?"

"I don't know. It could have been a birth defect, could have been due to drugs, or some childhood issue."

"He could have been possessed."

Tracy cocked a shoulder delicately. "Maybe. I don't know."

"Do you care?"

She nodded, biting her lips uncomfortably. "I don't have to deal with Arnest. I have to forgive him, and I do. Even if he had been totally sane when he did it, I don't understand, but I do forgive him. There's no justification for it, like I can't say inside, oh, he's insane so I forgive him, no I forgive him, because I am required to, and because I want to. I don't want anything to mar my future or the children's futures. I have to put it behind me and move on."

"Alone?"

She nodded. "Sometimes. I am learning to be strong, alone."

"You were already pretty strong."

"Not." She laughed. "Not at all. Barely learning how now."

"Doing a pretty good job. Sure you won't reconsider and come be with me?"

Her heart constricted. "Be with you... how?"

He held up his ring finger. His eyebrows rose, and his eyes searched hers hopefully.

Tracy shook her head playfully, knowing he wasn't serious, well, half-serious, but not really. He gave her a quirky smile. "I love you, you know that." She said.

He shrugged. "Do I?"

Again her heart thumped irregularly, always the wonder, the what if I am leading him on, am I responsible for all his feelings, can we be friends, intimate friends, or was that wrong too? But she put it aside, as she was learning to do, proving to herself that she could. She got up and laid the baby down, then crawled over to his seat and laid her head in his lap against his thigh, and kissed his leg through his jeans. Her eyes met his and he nodded once again in understanding, and for that she was grateful, very grateful.

*****