Chapter Forty: And He's Back
Sophia Crawford

I get up from the snow, wiping my now wet pants with the palms of my hands and waited for River to get up from the ground too, but he doesn't, he stays seated instead but when he placed his left hand on top of Daniel's gravestone, I knew why. He whispers 'happy birthday, Daniel' under his breath.

He smiles sadly and gets up from the snow, wiping his pants as well with the palms of his hands. He then offers his hand for me to grab, which I do, and let him lead me out of the quiet graveyard.

We walk hand-in-hand the entire way, just like how Ana and I walk in school with our arms hooked around each other.

I have been silent for most of the walk; I was still trying to process everything Mrs Oakley has said to me.

"I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you." He says, looking at the snow covered trees as we passed them. "I'm sorry."

I smiled although every step I took away from Daniel's grave hurt me deep inside. It made my heart ache inside my ribcage and my stomach churn with guilt, and the tears that started to well up inside my eyes were ready to fall.

"It's been hard this entire time. I just kept it from you." I tell him, lifting my shoulder in a shrug. "I don't know why I don't feel relieved yet, to know that I wasn't the one who killed Daniel, but I can't feel anything else but sadness right now. I should feel relieved, but that guy who caused the accident... he's living with the guilt right now, the same guilt I have been living with for the past couple of months. I don't want that for him. People make mistakes, bad ones."

Stupid me let my hand drift to where my ring usually hung, not even thinking that it's still missing, so I let my hand drop to my side again, focusing on River's warm hand in mine instead and how close he actually was to me; his shoulder actually kept bumping mine as we walked.

"You're not angry at the man responsible for Daniel's death?"

"People make mistakes, River, bad mistakes, even, but just because someone did a bad thing doesn't mean that they are a bad person. Yes, I'm angry at him for drinking and driving when he wasn't supposed to, and that knowing sooner could have saved me all this guilt and regret, but he has made a mistake. If Mrs Oakley doesn't blame him, then I shouldn't either. It's not right of me to do so."

"But why?" He asks.

"The real reason we were driving that night is because we wanted to run away, River. It was an idea I came up with." I tell him. "We wouldn't have been on the road if I didn't come up with this stupid idea to run away. It's my fault, too. And besides, the guy who caused the accident is living with the guilt otherwise he wouldn't have gone to Mrs Oakley's house to tell her that he caused it." I pause, only for a few seconds. "I am a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance, and if she forgave him for the mistake he made, I should too."

"You're..."

"Selfish?" I ask.

"No," he shakes his head, "amazing."

"Why?"

"Because I could never have forgiven them if I were in your shoes."

"If it happened to you... would you want them to forgive you if the roles were reversed and you caused the accident that took their loved one's life?"

River seems to ponder over the question for a few seconds before he finally replied. "You're right. I never thought about it like that before."

"I knew that if Daniel survived the accident and he drove the car that took my life that I wouldn't want him to live with the guilt. I would want him to know that I forgive him and that he should move on." I tell him. "Guilt is a terrible thing; it'll eat you up until there'd be nothing left."

River nods. "That's very true."

"I don't want to go to the hilltop today." I tell him. "But I don't want to go home either. I'm not ready to face my grandmother and dad's sad faces and their pity. I want to be able to process the news myself first before I tell them."

River nods, giving my hand a squeeze when he slides the latch open with his free hand. He lets go of my hand to let me walk through the iron-wrought gate first, and then only takes my hand in his again when we make our way to his grandmother's car.

"You can come to my house." He says. "My aunt is visiting a friend of hers from school so we have the house to ourselves. Or we can go to the diner if you'd like?"

I shake my head.

Although the thought of a freshly baked apple pie would somehow lift the sadness a little bit, I wasn't in the mood to face people either.

"Your house is fine, if that's okay with you." I let out a deep breath. "I just want to be alone. With you." I add.

Once we were settled in his aunt's car with the seatbelts over our bodies and the car started and ready to go, River quickly faces me before his focus goes back to the snowy road in front of him. "You could've called me."

"I didn't want to bother you."

I was glad that he decided to show up to the cemetery. It was tough without him by my side-letting go of Daniel and all-but he was there for me and I was so grateful that he decided to show up.

I don't think I could've done it without him, honestly.

I focus on the road from my side of the window and I feel my stomach churn with guilt once more.

I hated this feeling-dread-it's like that feeling you get when you just know that something bad is going to happen and you don't know how to stop it.

I hated that feeling.

My stomach never stops churning, it doesn't matter how hard I tried to think about something else other than letting go.

It churned and churned until it felt like I wanted to throw up.

Five minutes into the drive, I hear River releasing a deep breath, and then out of nowhere he stops the car and pulls both of my hands in his. "You never bother me, Sophia." He says, his tone serious and his blue eyes piercing. "If you call, I'll answer my phone, it doesn't matter what the time is. If you need me, I'll be there for you. If you cry, I'll be there to comfort you, or I'll even cry with you."

I nod, feeling a warm tear roll down my cheek.

"But please," he begs, squeezing my hands, "don't ever think that you'll bother me because you won't. I want to be there for you like you have been there for me, Sophia."

His words made me smile while the tears rolled down my cheeks. "Thank you, River."

It's just a shame that the feeling was still there, lingering.

Dread.

• • •

At River's aunt's house, he offers me a glass of water which I take gratefully in between my hands.

I take a sip, nearly spitting it out but managed to keep it inside my mouth. I should've known I couldn't stomach anything while the dread feeling still lurked.

"Are you okay?" He asks, looking at me with worried eyes. "You look pale."

"I'm fine." I dismiss him with a wave of my hand. "I just need to lie down for a while, if that's okay."

"Of course." He says, guiding me all the way to his room, with his hand on my lower back to keep me steady because with the way my legs felt wobbly and all weird, I needed his support before I crash to the floor.

"Just shout if you need anything." He says. "I'll be in the living room."

I inhale deeply, watching his retreating back as he closed the door behind him.

I make my way to his made bed and take off my shoes once I was seated on the bed. I then lift the comforter with both my hands before sliding inside the bed.

His room was in the exact same position it was since I left here after he chased me away. It's funny really, how much things have changed between the two of us. It feels like an eternity ago.

I was lying on my back now, waiting for the tiredness to swoop in and take me under, but it never came.

I decided to look around his room to see if there were any pictures of Beck and his mom around, but there wasn't anything that caught my attention. I only saw a picture of him and his aunt on the wall, smiling happily at the camera.

Something catches my eye on his desk; the sunlight actually gleamed off of it.

I frown, seeing a diamond ring resting on his desk.

No. It can't be it.

My diamond ring with its chain.

It was definitely my ring.

He had my ring this entire time without even telling me that he was the one who took it?

I guess I should've known that everything we had was too good to be true.

I get out of his bed, walking over to the desk where my ring was currently resting, and take the chain in between my fingers before lifting it into the air.

My damn ring.

He lied about not having it.

I walk out of his room with the ring inside the palm of my hands, the chain wrapped around my fingers.

I catch him walking up the stairs with a bottle of water in his hand.

When he noticed me standing on top of the stairs, the ring in my hand, he immediately started to ramble. "Sophia, I can explain. Please-"

"Don't even waste your breath, River." I tell him, cutting him off before he continued his ramble. "You had my ring this entire time. You stole my ring." I shake my head, scoffing at him. "I was broken right in front of you when I asked if you had it, but you lied to my face about it."

Now I know why I had this dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Everything with River was too good to be true.

He was the same guy I bumped into. The same damn guy. He never changed.

"Do you know how much sleep I lost over this?" I ask, clutching the ring tightly in the palm of my hand. "This is my ring and you had no right taking it from me. I knew I had it on my dresser, but you somehow managed to sneak your way into my house and stole the ring from where it rested. I knew it."

I didn't feel anger, I felt betrayed.

He was supposed to be my friend, but he lied to me.

Was his friendship real, or was it a lie too?

"I'm sorry, Sophia. I completely forgot to give it back after the visit to-"

I wipe the traitorous teardrop from my cheek, sliding the chained necklace over my neck. "Why did you take the ring in the first place?" I ask him, looking at how his shoulders slumped in defeat. "You knew why I had it when you found out at the hospital what happened to me, but you never thought about giving it back to me even after I told you that I was practically engaged to Daniel."

"Because," he started, his tone soft, "you kept asking about my personal life and I wanted to get you back, but I didn't know the ring meant so much to you."

He sounded so honest, it nearly made me laugh.

"I wanted to give it back, but it slipped my mind." He admits, running his fingers through his hair.

"I suffered because it 'slipped your mind'." I tell him, swallowing hard. "This ring means more to me than anything in the entire world because it's the only thing I have left of Daniel. I even told him that I lost it back at the graveyard!"

He mutters something under his breath, not even I who was standing so close to him heard what he had said, but when he looks at me, I knew it was something I didn't want to hear.

"What did you just say?"

Nothing.

"River, what did you just say to me?"

"It's not like he can be angry at you for losing it!"

His words hit me, hard, so hard that the air actually got knocked out from both my lungs. I slowly back away from him, as if he was some sort of deadly virus.

He did not just say that to me. I must have heard him wrong.

"You-"

I was at loss for words.

"You did not just say that to me." I create even more space between the two of us. "I must be hearing things because you did not just say that to me, River."

More silence.

I nod at him.

The only thing he did was look at me with those gun metal blue eyes of his.

"You're a fucking asshole, River." I mutter, stepping past him on the set of stairs. I turn to look at him over my shoulder, seeing him swiping his hand across his face, as if he was frustrated. "I can't believe I started to like you."