Chapter Forty Two: Regret
River Jenkins

“I’m happy to announce that every single one of you did a spectacular job at completing your assignments, in due time, as well.” Mr Ryan says, smiling widely at every single one of us sitting in his classroom. “The essays were beautifully written, but the one essay I found quite interesting was Miss Crawford and Mr Jenkins’ essay.” He continues, looking directly at our table, towards Sophia and I. “They went in complete detail writing everything they saw in the caterpillar’s changes, and for that, River and Sophia, I crown the two of you the winners for the butterfly assignment.”

Sophia smiles, but even I who sat beside her could see that it was forced.

She hasn’t talked to me since Daniel’s birthday and that means she hasn’t talked to me in almost a month.

I despise myself for what I said to her about Daniel. I wish I could explain to her that the words just left my mouth, and that I didn’t think at all, but that would include her actually talking to me and she hasn’t talked to me in a while.

I always ruin every single thing because I don’t like being confronted.

She hates me, and to be honest, I don’t even blame her. I would hate myself too. Hell, I already hate myself for what I had said to her. It was cruel and heartless.

I raise my hand, catching Mr Ryan’s attention.

He actually looked shocked that I raised my hand for the first time since I entered his classroom a few months back. “Yes, Mr Jenkins?”

Sophia deserves all the credit for the essay we had to write on the butterfly, but I don’t know if admitting that I didn’t really have a hand in it would get her to talk to me again, but it was a chance I had to take.

I can’t handle her silence anymore.

I need her to talk to me.

When she didn’t come to my aunt’s dinner the other day, I was disappointed.

I was hoping to see her so that I could talk to her and to apologize to her for being a complete ass on the day she was the most hurt, but I didn’t just want to see her to apologize to her, I wanted to see her again to spend time with her.

 “Sophia did everything.” I tell Mr Ryan honestly, seeing Sophia look at me in my peripheral vision, but looked away just as quickly, like she forgot we weren’t on speaking terms. “She has to get all the credit for the essay. I didn’t do anything… at all.”

Mr Ryan nods once. “Very well then, congratulations, Sophia. It was a spectacular essay.” Mr Ryan says, looking at me with disappointment. “I couldn’t have written it better. You should be very proud of your work.”

Sophia smiles at him and then her eye catches Cole sitting in front of the classroom. He smiles proudly at her, but when his gaze drifted to me, his smile vanished. Sophia probably told Ana that I was being an asshole to her, and Ana told Cole, and that’s why he was looking at me with a sneer on his mouth.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and listened to Mr Ryan’s disappointment in some of us who let our partners do all the work. I didn’t blame Mr Ryan for being disappointed in me, though. I let Sophia do all the work on the assignment even after Mr Ryan specifically told us not to let our partners do all the work.

I was very disappointed in me too, because for the first time in a long time, I looked forward to coming to school, but the reason I wanted to come to school in the mornings was currently not talking to me anymore, and it was my doing.

When the bell rings, it was as if Sophia couldn’t get away from me quick enough; she practically jumped out of her seat and grabbed her bag trying to get away from me, but little did she know that I was going to do everything in my power to set things right between us, even if I have to follow her everywhere.

I would corner her too just to get her to listen to me… to at least hear me out.

It was ironic. I called her a stalker for trying to grab my attention when I ignored her when she tried to apologize, but here I was, doing the same thing.

I follow close behind her; out of the classroom, but right when I caught up to her, Ana’s boyfriend Cole intercepts me and walks beside Sophia. He looks at me over his shoulder and shakes his head at me.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I actually tolerated Cole since everything went to shit with Beck and my mother who was murdered, I would have punched him already, but that would only add more fuel to the fire, and I didn’t want to upset Sophia more than she already was with me, but hell, I wanted to grab a fistful of his brown hair and to pull him away from Sophia so that I could talk to her.

“Sophia, can I please talk to you?”

Nothing.

“Sophia… please?”

Cole turns to look at me, stopping in the middle of the hallway. “I think you should just leave her alone, River.”

“I didn’t ask you, Cole.”

“Sophia does not want to talk to you.” He says. “You should respect that.”

“Sophia is a big girl,” I tell him, “she can talk for herself.”

Sophia looks at me and I became hopeful a little too fast; thought she was going to give in and talk to me, but she only diverts her gaze back to Cole. “Let’s go.”

I catch Sophia’s wrist, preventing her from escaping me this time and ignoring her squeals as I pulled her into the janitor’s closet and locking it behind me so that Cole wouldn’t burst in here and punch me for stealing Sophia like that.

“River, what the hell!?” Cole yells from behind the door angrily.

“It’s okay, Cole!” Sophia says. “This won’t take long.”

I think she has English next and the teacher would most likely kill her if she was late to her classroom, but I would do everything in my power to talk to Sophia; to break the wall that has been built between us, because of my damn stupidity.

I open my mouth to say something, but she beats me to it first. “I don’t think admitting that I did the entire assignment would make me forgive you for the horrible thing you have said to me, River.” She says, giving me a dirty look.

She was a few inches shorter than me, so she actually had to look up to look at me directly in the eyes.

“I know that.” I tell her, sighing in defeat. “I know that, Sophia.”

“What you said was shitty and the fact that you said it on the day of his birthday…” She then scoffs, trying everything in her power to look away from me, but she failed miserably. “It was cruel. You said it like I didn’t know he was dead… that he would come back, to take the engagement ring back.”

I can’t look at her in her eyes, so I focus on the chain necklace hanging around her neck instead; the ring Daniel used to propose to her the night before he died.

I nod, looking anywhere but at her, because what I said to her was shitty and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.

Break a plate and it stays broken.

Say something hurtful to someone and the words can never be taken back.

“I liked you, River.” She admits with tears in her eyes. “I finally felt ready to live again after Daniel’s death every time I was with you, because believe it or not, but you made me smile again after his death, but then you said those things to me the other day and then I realised that I hated you more than I liked you.”

She liked me.

Not likes.

Liked.

Past tense.

I really did ruin what we might’ve had by being an asshole to her… again.

“You liked me?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice when I asked.

She rolls her eyes at me, but it wasn’t playful like it always was. “Don’t flatter yourself.” She says. “I liked the idea of you, but of course you just had to ruin it by being your usual asshole and cruel self.”

She picks at her nails and I wanted nothing more than to lift her chin so she would look at me, but that would be too soon. I don’t want to ruin it again.

Maybe pulling her into the janitor’s closet to apologize to her wasn’t very wise. It smelled like cleaning agents, chemicals and musty, dirty cleaning supplies.

“If you have nothing else to say to me, please step out of the way so I can leave for class.” She says when I said nothing in return. “I don’t want to make it a habit by being late to class, not like you always did.”

I step out of the way and let her pass me, but when she closed the door behind her, I couldn’t help but want to hit myself for letting her go when I could have gotten her back by now.

I should have tried harder.

I really was stupid… and a damn asshole.

• • •

I catch Sophia in the parking lot, literally thanking the universe for giving me a chance to talk to her again, and this time I would not ruin it again.

I’m going to get her back.

She must’ve heard my loud footsteps because she turns her head, looking at me over her shoulder. She was fighting a scowl when I stop right beside her, kicking the snow off of my boots.

“I am sorry, Sophia.” I start. “Words cannot describe how bad I feel that I said those things to you about Daniel.”

She blinks the snow from her eyelashes and looks at me. “It broke me, more than you would ever know.” She says, stuffing her hands into her denim jacket’s pockets. “It shattered me that you used Daniel’s death against me, right after I came from the graveyard celebrating his birthday with him.”

“I know.” I whisper.

“I know you’re an asshole, River, but the thing I hate more than your occasional need to be an asshole is that I don’t even hate you after you said those things. I was hurt, yes, because it was a shitty thing to say even after I visited his grave, but I know first-hand that you don’t think before you speak, and that hurtful words leave your mouth when you’re being confronted as some sort of defence mechanism.”

I open and close my mouth but I couldn’t form any words, I was too surprised that she admitted that she didn’t hate me for saying those things about Daniel.

“And I hate that I know you didn’t mean those things you said about Daniel.” She continues. “I hate that I don’t hate you, especially since I should hate you for the things you said.” Her hazel-coloured eyes were shining with tears when she looks at me. “When I said I liked you, I meant it. I do like you, River.”

Now I really couldn’t speak.

She just admitted she liked me.

“But what’s going to happen, River?” She asks, lifting her shoulder in a shrug. “I can’t like you if you keep saying things you don’t mean all the time. And I know that it’s going to happen again, because it’s your defence mechanism. You’re going to say things you don’t mean, and then I’m going to forgive you afterwards because that’s who I am, but you hurt me when you say things you don’t mean, and I don’t think that I can put myself through that hurt again.”

“What do you mean?” I finally managed to ask.

“I can’t be your punching bag, River.”

“I’ll change.” The words leave my mouth faster than I could stop it, but they were true. If having her back meant that I needed to change… then I would.

For her.

She chuckles humourlessly, wiping her cheeks with the palms of her hands. “You don’t share your feelings, often, and it scares me because I’m here to help you, but if you keep snapping at me and saying things you don’t mean…” She pauses, inhales deeply, and exhales. “It’s not easy changing who you are, River. You went through a lot of trauma in the past, and there are a lot of things you have to work on before you can fully heal from that trauma you experienced, but in the meantime, I can’t be the one you take your anger out on again. I have trauma I have to heal from too… And if you’re going to keep snapping at me and saying hurtful things you didn’t mean… it’s going to add to that trauma.”

“You’re scared that I’ll be the old River again?”

“There’s no old or new River, River.” She says, tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. “You are you. It’s up to you to decide whether or not your trauma is going to shape you or if it’s going to keep you where you are right now, which is being angry all the time and using snappy comebacks and very hurtful words as a defence mechanism… or you can decide to heal from that trauma; talk to someone professionally about it.” She pauses, only for a few seconds. “But I cannot keep being the one you keep taking your anger out on.”

“My trauma is the reason why I am so angry all the damn time.” I admit.

I know.” She says. “Your father was an asshole, and he treated you so shitty, but you need to realise that he can’t hurt you anymore, and that he’s dying. You need to take control over your own thoughts again, and don’t let him haunt them anymore. You need to take control over yourself before he’s going to end you. Don’t get me wrong, you have a right to be angry for what he has done to you and your family, but I think it’s time you realise that they don’t want this for you. They want you to be happy. They want you to smile…to laugh, but in order for that to happen; you need to put your father and your past behind you.”

“How do I do that?” I ask her. “How do I put everything behind me?”

“That is unfortunately something you need to figure out yourself, River. I cannot heal you from your past because I’m not the one who hurt you.” She says. “I have to go, my grandmother is here.” She tells me; already making her way to her grandmother’s car parked in the parking lot a few cars away.

As she walked away from me, I realised that her words were true.

I tried searching for answers because I thought she knew pain the same way I did, but she wasn’t the one who hurt me, and I can’t find my answers by her.

I need to find it by the person who has caused me this pain in the first place.

My father.