Chapter Thirty Eight: Rekindling Relationship
Sophia Crawford

River takes me to the hilltop after seeing his father.

The entire visit to his father didn't really go as planned. He didn't get closure. The visit only reopened deep wounds, wounds that took River months to heal.

River was unable to sit still the entire drive back home. His fingers kept drumming against the steering wheel of his aunt's car and he took shallow but rapid breaths trying to calm himself down.

The visit just tormented him.

I couldn't help but feel bad that I forced him to come. I thought it would bring him some kind of peace to face the man who has haunted his dreams for months, but it only ended up worsening things. And now-looking at River sitting beside me by the edge of the hilltop, looking down at the view-who kept covering his face with his hands before he pulled them away again frustratingly made me want to pull him into a hug and never let go.

But that's what the hilltop was for.

He brought me here the other day to find some peace, and now we were here after the dreadful visit to his father trying to find some peace, but I think River was struggling to find some peace of his own right now, but the hilltop seemed to have a good effect on him. We were sitting here for maybe thirty minutes now and River started to calm down, slowly but surely.

"You're smiling." He says, fighting one of his own when he looked down at the beautiful view down below.

I shrug, not bothering to fight the smile he noticed. "I love it here."

He nods slowly. "Me too."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

I sigh, contemplating whether or not I wanted to ask him the question I wanted to ask. "What the hell happened to us? We were born and then boom, we're suddenly grown up with a lot of problems we cannot even solve."

River chuckles. "I thought you were going to ask me a question I know the answer to." He looks at the sky above, focusing on a plane that flew past. "But to answer your question as best I can... I don't know how we got here."

"Why does losing someone hurt so much?" I ask after I nodded to his previous answer. "One moment we're smiling and laughing with a loved one and in the next they're just gone. When they leave, not only do we lose them, but they leave a gaping hole in its wake. I don't think we can fill that hole anymore."

When I was with Daniel, I always thought that we'd live long enough to grow old together, but that changed in an instant. Here I was, growing old without him by my side. He left a gaping hole in my heart and the only thing I have left of him now is the memories.

"I just don't understand how someone can be here one day and not be in the next." I continue. "It's unfair."

River releases a deep breath, the white smoke puffing in front of his lips with how cold it was around us, especially here on top of the hill. "That's life, I guess." He says with a shrug. "Life can be full of sunshine and roses but it can be all dark and twisted too. You lose the people you love most in the world. You cry. You will feel as if you want to just give up. But the key is simply to keep living. The key is to not give up, no matter how hard you want to."

River's hair was now completely coated with the fine snow falling on top of us. The tip of his nose and ears were red from the cold and his hands were propped deeply in his pant pockets.

"Why are you asking me all this?"

"I guess I just wanted some answers." I tell him honestly.

I fought the urge to rake my fingers through his hair to rid it from the snow, but I kept my hand pressed firmly in my hoody's pocket.

"I guess I just needed to know why life was so cruel to us."

"Is this about Daniel?" He asks, hesitating at first to mention him.

"It's not just about Daniel... It's about Beck and your mother. It's about all the pain inside the world. It's all about the innocent people who get hurt the most."

"Life is unfair, like I said before." River says, swallowing hard. "We can't control the good or the bad. Bad things happen to good people and we can't do shit to prevent it. We just have to learn to accept it and move on, even though it is difficult to do so."

The snow started to fall heavily now.

"Want to grab a bite?" He asks. "I am famished."

I smile. "I thought you'd never ask."

• • •

River Jenkins

I feel a wave of déjà vu wash over me when I open the diner's doors, letting Sophia walk in first. It felt like an eternity since we were last here. I was happy for the first time in ever because when I was with her, everything stilled-the constant nightmare of remembering Beck and my mom when they were at their worst, the urge to fight to keep the anger at bay, and lastly my father's words that kept replaying inside my mind.

When I was with her, everything stopped.

I was happy for the first time in a very long time with Sophia, until my aunt told me that my father wanted to see me that day and everything bad in my life came rushing back to me; the memories, the nightmares... absolutely everything.

The memories were painful and it became even worse and worse after my aunt told me that my father wanted to see me just because he was busy dying of cancer. It was as if the mentioning of him unlocked more painful memories so that it can replay itself in my mind every time I wanted to be happy for once.

I want to be happy, but as my father still roams this earth, I can never be happy. He will always find ways to torment me. His taunting voice inside my mind... The fact that he can call my aunt to tell her that he wants to see me and make amends... He will never cut the ties he still has with me before I forgive him.

But I will never forgive him for what he did to Beck. To my mother. To me...

Never.

"Where shall we sit?" Sophia asks, pulling me out of my train of thoughts.

I lift my shoulders in a shrug. "You can choose."

We make our way to an empty booth at the back of the diner, away from everyone else seated mostly by the door. I sit down across from her, seeing Sophia tuck a strand of her loose, wavy hair behind her ear.

She catches me staring, of course, and her lips curve into a smile. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Because I think you are beautiful. Because you saved me from a very dark time in my life. Because you're here right now, not talking about what happened in the car when we kissed.

She tasted like coconuts.

And fresh strawberries.

"Just deep in thought." I lie, smiling at her.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I opened my mouth to say something but the waitress comes over to our table, setting the menus down onto the table in front of us.

"I'll just take the-"

"Apple pie with a dash of cream on the side." I say, cutting her off with a smile on my mouth. "I'll have the same. And two coffees, please."

The waitress nods and writes it down onto the notepad before she takes our menus from the table again.

"How did you know what I was going to order?" She asks me, and I see her cheeks turn pink in colour.

"I just know things."

"You're aware that you sound like a stalker right now, right?" She chuckles.

"I do?" I ask, trying my best to look offended but the smile gave me away. "I thought I was just being a good friend who remembered his friend's order from the last time we were here."

Sophia shakes her head, rolling her eyes at me.

"To be honest, I didn't think you would remember." She says.

"How could I not? You practically salivated at the sight of the apple pie."

She wanted to speak but the diner's doors open, and her smile faltered.

I frown, turning around in my seat to see what upset her so much. My smile falters too when I see her dad entering the diner, and he was alone by the looks of it because no one entered after he closed the door behind him.

When he makes his way over to our booth at the very back, he looks somewhat defeated. His shoulders were slumped, his shirt was crinkled, his hair was unruly... He looked terrible to say the least.

He looked nothing like the man I met when her grandmother was in the hospital.

He stops at our booth, looking at his daughter with regret written all over his face. "Sophia," he starts, his voice pleading, "I'm here to apologize to you."

"How did you know where we were?" She asks him.

Sophia looked shocked. Her green eyes were wide and her lips parted.

I don't think she expected him to apologize. Hell, I didn't even expect him to apologize. I thought he was going to say something to upset her again like her mother did. But if I can be completely honest, I have never seen him be rude to Sophia. It was only her mother who was being a complete bitch toward her.

"Your grandmother told me that you were here." He says, smiling sadly.

"What are you doing here?"

"I never meant to be cruel to you." He says. "She was the one who forced me to be cruel towards you. I never wanted to abandon you like she did. She poisoned me. She blackmailed me into doing her bidding... But no more. I left her. I came to get you back."

Sophia started to shake her head, slowly, and emotion filled her green eyes. "You still allowed that woman to blackmail you, dad, and that hurt me in the process. You could've ignored her, you could've left her a long time ago... but you didn't. You chose to lose me when you could have sided with me, dad."

She wasn't shocked anymore, she was angry.

"I know." Her dad says, shaking his head in shame. "I am sorry."

She opens her mouth to say something, but he beats her to it.

"I fought with her every day not to send you to your grandmother but I saw that you wanted to leave. You wanted to leave the toxicity that is your mother and I didn't blame you, but when you left, I wanted nothing more than to leave with you and now I know that I should have. I should have left with you, Sophia."

Sophia slumps in her seat, swallowing back her tears. "You hurt me."

"I know."

"I needed someone after Daniel's death."

Her father nods once. "I know."

I could tell that she wanted to believe him so badly, but it was difficult.

They were shitty parents toward Sophia. She has trust issues because of them and what they did to her. They left her when she needed someone the most, so I didn't even blame her for being sceptical about his sudden return and apologies, but it seemed so sincere. It honestly seemed like he truly regretted his decisions.

"You really left her?" She asks, hope clear in her tone.

Her dad nods again. "I left that bitch."

Sophia chuckles before tears run freely down her cheeks right after, but it wasn't sad tears, it was relief that her father was here and that he wanted a relationship with his daughter.

I clear my throat and Sophia looks at me through her tears. "I'm going to the bathroom."

She nods.

I slide out of the booth and make my way to the bathroom.

I close the door behind me, seeing a man in about his fifties washing his hands.

He nods my way in a greeting and leaves the bathroom.

I splash some cold water over my face, letting the water drip back into the sink.

One thought occurred to me.

Was that how my dad felt when I rejected his apology? Did he really want to make up for the things he did in the past? Was he really that desperate for my forgiveness like Sophia's dad was right now?

Did I really wish that a dying man should go to hell because that's what he deserves? Yes. Yes I did.

Did I regret telling him that on his death bed when he was the most vulnerable? Yes. Yes I did.

I inhale deeply, looking at myself in the mirror.

Beck's face pops up in my mind and how he looked so happy.

I shake my head, suddenly not regretting anything anymore.

My dad deserves what came to him.

Every time I see Beck and my mom, either in my mind or on photographs in my aunt's house, I remember what he did to them and suddenly feel no remorse whatsoever. He deserves being there.

What he did is unforgiveable and for him to think that I would forgive him is absurd. I'll never forgive him for what he did, never in a million years.

When I leave the bathroom, Sophia's dad was seated where I was seated not long ago.

Instead of walking over to the booth again, I make my way toward the exit.

Sophia needed her father right now and I'm going to grant her that. At least her dad truly regrets what he did and he's trying so hard to rekindle their father-daughter relationship.

My father just wants to make himself feel better because he's dying. His apology was anything but sincere.

It was just to get him to feel better about himself and what he did to us.