Chapter Thirty Five: Spur Of The Moment
Sophia Crawford

“Can I ask you something quite random?” I ask River, seeing him turn his head slightly to look at me.

He nods, looking at me. “Sure.”

“What made you change your mind about seeing your father?”

River sighs from next to me and I see his hands clench around the steering wheel of his aunt’s car before he returns his gaze back to the road in front of him.

The question caught him off guard, but surely he knew that it was bound to come up sooner than later. I was curious to know what changed his mind when he was so dead-set on not wanting to see his father just the other day.

He takes a while to respond to my question, and I didn’t even blame him either.  Seeing his dad is a huge step in the right direction if he wants to heal himself after everything he has been through, but it was a difficult decision nonetheless.

“I guess I just need to put everything behind me.” He shrugs, releasing a deep breath.

I nod, feeling both proud and sad on his behalf.

Nothing about this trip is exciting. He’s going to see the man who abused him for years without end, and the man who murdered his family when he got tired of hurting them physically. This was a difficult thing to decide, but he wasn’t going to be alone on this trip. He had me by his side, just like I promised him.

I could see pain and determination both written all across River’s face when he picked me up from my house. He needed to do see his father. He wanted to do this, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to do this, either. I wouldn’t want to see the father who has abused me for years and who murdered my family, but if it meant getting closure, then count me in.

I know that if I were in his shoes that I would want closure, too. I would want to know what the hell went through his mind when he killed River’s entire family.

“Well…whatever happens today, I’m going to be there for you every step of the way, River. “ I tell him. “I also just want you to know that I am proud of you for doing this. You’re so strong.” I tell him with a pensive smile.

He returns the smile, a genuine one, and it made me feel at ease.

He knows that I am here for him and that was something.

We pass a tunnel of trees one and a half hours into our drive.

River drove slowly the entire time because the roads were covered in ankle-high deep white snow, and the sun blinded us from the front, not even the sun visors helped, so he had to be careful before he crashes the car into someone’s rear.

I had to wipe my side of the window every so often due to the fog that started to cover the windows on the inside, blurring my vision from the inside.

“Are you cold?” He asks when he notices that I was rubbing my arms to warm myself.

I nod, not even bothering to hide that I was indeed cold.

The AC was broken, and there was a cool breeze that kept entering the car somewhere, or it was the fact that we’re going to a jail to visit his father that gave me the creeps. The thought of going to an actual prison where the worst of monsters lived made me shiver, but I had to keep calm before my nervousness jumps over to River and that’s the last thing he needs. The only thing he needs right now is reassurance that everything was going to be fine.

So why didn’t I believe that it was going to be fine?

No. Everything is going to be fine. I am just overthinking everything again.

The blue denim jacket I had today on wasn’t enough for me to keep the heavy shivering at bay, so River let the car come to a halt when he was sure that there was no one coming up from behind us, and leaned over the seat.

He gives me yet another jacket, the leather one he always had on at school.

I drape it over my shoulders, smelling his cologne all over it when it fills my nostrils. “Thank you.”

He starts driving again after he smiled my way as a way to say ‘you’re welcome’.

Another five minutes into the drive, the silence around us became too deafening.

“What’s on your mind?” He asks.

It was funny, really. I had nothing on my mind. He was supposed to have a million thoughts running through his mind but yet he asked me what was going through mine.

“Nothing.” I shake my head, telling the truth for the first time in forever. “I’m just enjoying the view.”

He returns his gaze to the road and I turn my head to look out the window beside me. The window next to my head was completely covered in fog so I decided to kill some time by tracing random patterns on the foggy windows.

There were patterns… and a name.

I don’t even remember writing it, but there it was, written in six large letters on the window was Daniel’s name.

He was a lot on my mind lately and I knew why. It was almost his birthday.

The seventh of December.

I clear my throat, feeling tears brim my eyes at the thought of him having his first birthday since he died.  I wipe his name away so that there was nothing but water droplets left on the window. I wish removing the painful memories were that easy… just one wipe and the pain would be gone.

“Sophia… I can see that there’s something bothering you. Is it because I asked you to come with me today or—”

“Not at all.” I cut him off. “It’s really nothing.” I tell him.

“Why are you so quiet, then?” He asks. “The silence is deafening.”

He was right. The silence was deafening.

“I’m not thinking about anything.” I lie.

He doesn’t need to know that I’m thinking about Daniel.

“Can we please, just for a second, forget about what I’m thinking about and talk about the drastic step you’re about to take? Today is about you, River, not me.”

“I need you to talk about something else other than the drastic step I’m about to take, Sophia.” He says and I see his knuckles turning white against the steering wheel yet again with how tight he was clutching it. “That’s why I keep asking you what you’re thinking about. It’s because I want to forget, even if it’s just for a brief second…”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Anything, dammit! I just want to forget!”

He was yelling and I fought the urge to yell as well, but I did.

“I am trying here!”

“Try harder!” He yells, raking his fingers through his hair frustratingly. “I still think about my father and what he did to my family and it’s driving me insane.”

The argument started to get so heated that he actually had to stop the car to face me. His face was red from anger and his eyes were filled with something else other than anger written across his face.

Was it fear I sensed? Nervousness?

No, it was pain.

“I can’t get him out of my mind, Sophia…” He says, wiping his face with his hand before he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t get him out of my mind.” River’s eyes were starting to fill with tears. “I just want to forget him, Sophia.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. Hell, I couldn’t even really think straight with the way his blue eyes were piercing right through mine. River was in so much pain right now; I could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. He was in so much pain.

I knew he wasn’t going to be ready to see his father, but we’re already so close.

So I did the unthinkable.

Something I didn’t think I would ever do in my entire life again.

I grabbed him around the neck and crashed my lips against his.

I kissed him.

I kissed River.

On. The. Lips.

His lips were soft and moving perfectly in sync against mine like he knew that I was going to kiss him.

Although there was a cool breeze coming into the car somewhere, his neck where I was holding him was warm, hot even. I feel goose bumps erupting onto his skin below my fingertips due to my cold hands.

I pull away, feeling so out of breath that I was actually a panting mess.

I still held him around the neck, waiting for him to say something, anything at all, but no words came.

We were just staring at each other.

I was fine.

My breathing was back to normal.

But I feel panic bubble up inside me right after.

What if he didn’t like me in that way and I ruined our friendship by kissing him out of the blue? What if he’s looking at me like this right now because he can’t believe that the ugly Scarface was the one to lock lips with the infamous River?

“I-I’m sorry.” I apologize. “I don’t know what came over me—”

My words die in my throat when he crashes his lips against mine, completely cutting me off to what I wanted to say.  Hell, I can’t even remember what I wanted to say. I was too focused on his lips on mine and how he tasted.

I tasted the mint on his tongue, and until now I didn’t think that something as simple as a smell could be so damn intoxicating, but it was.

Everything around me, around us, disappeared—as cliché as it sounded.

It felt like we were the only two people in the entire world, and time just stopped. Everything around us just stopped.

It felt like hours passed by when he finally pulled away.

The air was stripped from my lungs as I tried to catch my breath.

I was once again a panting mess and this time I didn’t mind it one bit.

I was just a little disappointed that he pulled away.

His hand felt warm against my icy cold cheek. He just looked at me. His eyes that were filled with hatred and anger since the moment we met were now replaced with something softer.

I saw the real River.  His shell was finally broken and now I saw him for who he really is—just a broken boy who needed someone to pull him from the darkness. I just didn’t think that I would be the one to save him from himself.

I don’t know how much time ticked by, but all I know is that I felt safe in that moment of just staring inside his gun-metal blue eyes.

River needed a saviour, but truth be told, he was mine.

Until he wasn’t.

Until I realised that this was very wrong and that I shouldn’t have kissed him.

I clear my throat awkwardly. “I can’t… do this right now.” I tell him, seeing sadness wash over his features. “We should get back to driving if we want to make it back home this afternoon. You said that the trip would be pretty long.”

When he spoke again, his words were colder than the breeze outside the car.

“You’re right.”

Two words held so much anger; it actually made me feel bad for telling him that I couldn’t do it. It was a spur of the moment thing, and I panicked because he was panicked and when two people are panicked at the same damn time, things are bound to happen between them, and our ‘thing’ happened to be a damn kiss.

I kissed River because I wanted to rid myself of my own invasive thoughts, just like River wanted to rid his mind from his father who murdered his poor family.

River turns on the ignition and drives again like nothing happened between the two of us.

The silence was now deafening, even more than before.

I felt like an ass.

I hated that his walls were up again and it was all my damn fault.

“I’m sorry.” I manage to croak after a few minutes of conjuring up enough guts to speak first. “I’m really sorry.”

He doesn’t look at me when he asks ‘for what?’ And it pained me.

He wasn’t angry. He was hurt.

“For hurting you. Leading you on…”

“It was just a kiss, Sophia.” He says, his tone was even and taut. “You didn’t hurt or lead me on. You were perfectly clear to where we stood the other day.”

But he was so wrong.

It wasn’t just a kiss. It was way more than just a kiss to me.

“I—”

“We’re here.” He announces, cutting me off to what I wanted to say.