Chapter Thirty Three: If Things Were Different
River Jenkins

My aunt was surprised when I came home early with no bruises on my face; not fresh ones, at least.

She smiled when she saw me, but I think it was more relief than anything else. I did crash at Sophia’s, and I disappeared without telling her where I was, again, making her worry about me, again.

The thing about my aunt was that she didn’t hover; she gave me space to do my own thing, but it didn’t mean that she didn’t worry about me, though. She just hid it very well.

“You’re home early today.” She smiles, looking at me when I threw my bag onto the floor right beside one of the couches.

“I was tired, so I came home right after school.” I plop down onto one of the couches beside her, snatching her coffee cup from her hands before taking a big gulp from it. She just shakes her head at me but allows me to finish her coffee in another three big gulps.

“What about the assignment you and Sophia have going on?” She asks with a frown. “I thought you were going to go over to her house to finish the project?”

I set the coffee cup down onto the coffee table. “Mr Ryan gave us until the end of winter break to do the assignment. It’s a small assignment anyways, and it doesn’t really count a lot of marks in the end.” I tell her. “But the assignment is nearly done; we just have some finishing touches we have to do in the essay.”

My aunt nods in approval. “I’m glad that the two of you worked well enough together to get the project done.” She smiles. “I must admit that there were some ups and downs, and it felt like the two of you would never get it done…”

I nod.

“She’s a good girl… Sophia.” My aunt says.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” I start, seeing my aunt’s smile vanish into thin air. “Don’t worry,” I chuckle at her, “it’s nothing bad or anything…”

My aunt’s shoulders sag in relief. “Oh thank goodness.”

I turn on the couch to look at my aunt. “I told Sophia what happened.” I tell her. “After you told me that my dad wanted to see me, I went to a bar. I nearly drank myself into a coma, but Myles, the guy who usually helps me train at the barn… he messaged Sophia and she met me at the bar where Myles then took us to her house.” I wait for any signs of disappointment to wash across my aunt’s face, but found absolutely no sign of it. I think she was relieved that I was finally opening up to her for once and not keeping it inside. “Sophia told me that I talked about them… my mom and Beck… and that he murdered them. I yelled at her and said the most terrible of things to her, but I didn’t—” I take in a deep breath, closing my eyes tightly before opening them again, “I didn’t want to push her away again when she was just trying to help me, so I told her what happened, and before you yell at me, I did apologize to her. Sincerely, too.”

I thought my aunt would have been disappointed that I talked to Sophia rather than talking to her, but a smile appeared onto her mouth, and she took my hand into hers. “I knew that she was the one you truly trusted.” She says, smiling.

“Sophia lost someone too, like you said.” I continue. “I just didn’t want to believe you because I was so caught up in my own pain and my own grief that I didn’t even stop for a second to think about what she has gone through, too. While I was breaking her heart over and over again, I tried to heal mine by being absolutely nasty to her in return, but I realised that being nasty toward the people who were just trying to help you isn’t going to bring you anywhere.”

“She told you, didn’t she?”

I nod. “I felt sick to the stomach when she told me, Aunt P.” I smile pensively. “What happened to her was absolutely horrible. I can’t imagine what she must have gone through, and to live with the guilt of the accident even after months have passed…” I shake my head; mostly at myself and that I was an ass to Sophia while she was carrying burdens of her own. “I felt absolutely horrible that I have been treating her like shit without knowing that she went through something as terrible as that accident where she lost her boyfriend. I was so horrible to her and even though she forgave me for it, I still feel horrible. I actually feel sick, Aunt P. She didn’t deserve how I have been treating her.”

“You didn’t know her story, River,” My aunt says, “but she forgave you because that’s what kind of person she is. She’s forgiving, understanding and kind. She understands what you went through, and why you were rude to her.”

“It doesn’t make me feel less shitty though.”

“You have a lot of time to make it up to her.” My aunt says. “I’m thinking of inviting them over for dinner again in two weeks.”

“I won’t mind that.” I reply honestly.

Usually the thought of Sophia coming over would have repulsed me, but now that my aunt has mentioned it, I was kind of excited for her to come over again.

“But there’s something else I have to tell you too, Aunt P.” I sigh, heavily. “I’m thinking of seeing my father… I want to see what he has to say for himself.”

My aunt straightens in her seat. “Are you sure? I mean… you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, River. I would never force you to see that man.”

“It’s not for certain yet, but I am thinking about it.”

My aunt nods and gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I’m proud of you, River.” She smiles at me. “Ever since Sophia has entered your life, you have been opening up more and more, and I have a good feeling that she’s the reason for that.”

It was a fact I couldn’t deny.

Ever since Sophia has entered my life, I have been able to open up more about my feelings even though they weren’t always positive. Okay, it was never positive feelings, but if it wasn’t for her, I would have come home looking even worse than I did before: bleeding, in pain, aggressively angry and very bruised.

“I guess that’s right, Aunt P.”

I wanted to tell my aunt that I have unofficially asked Sophia to prom, but I didn’t want to get her hopes up for nothing. Sophia didn’t agree to go with me.

I must admit that I was taken aback when Sophia said that she didn’t want to go to prom—especially not with someone like me. I know she only said those things about me because she didn’t want Ana to get suspicious about the two of us, but her words still had an effect on me and I can’t say that it was a good one.

I guess I deserve the treatment I was getting seeing that I’ve been nothing but a complete asshole to her since the first moment we met, but rejection still hurt coming from Sophia. Her rejecting me felt like a punch to the gut and I really thought—even for the briefest of seconds—that we were slowly starting to become good friends, but like my aunt said, it’s going to take time for us to truly forgive each other for the things we have said and done to each other.

Well, mostly the things I have said and did to her the last couple of months.

“I’m going to do my homework and then I’ll start dinner.” I tell her.

“Sure,” she smiles, widely, “I’d love that.”

• • •

Sophia Crawford

“What’s wrong?” My grandmother asks the second I stepped inside the house.

I was kind of in a hurry to get to my room and to fall on my bed because I regretted saying no to River when he asked me to go to prom with him, and now I can’t stop thinking about it… about him… about how devastated he looked when I rejected him. I felt bad because I said no to him when I actually wanted to say yes, but on the other hand, it was weird because we hated each other not long ago and now he asked me to go to prom with him that’s in a few months?

I mean…Was it so wrong for me to say no in the first place? It was just prom. And people went to prom as friends all the time, right? I mean… right?

“Nothing, Grandma.” I tell her, mustering a fake smile.

“It just looks like you’ve seen a ghost, that’s all. You look pale, dear.” She beckons for me to sit down, and I do, because if I don’t, I would most likely pass out right in front of her and would hit my head against the couch’s edge.

I sigh, loudly, and look at her hand holding mine after I plopped myself down onto the couch beside her. “River asked me to prom today… or at least I think he did… I said no because I think it’s too soon… I barely lost Daniel and I—” I stop mid-sentence, swallowing hard.

What exactly do I tell her? That I don’t want to go to prom with River because it feels like I am betraying Daniel by moving on and by living my life when Daniel can’t? That wasn’t a very good excuse not to go with River to prom.

“Daniel died more than a few months ago. It’s time to move on.” She’d say. “It’s pathetic that you’re still moping over a guy who isn’t coming back…”

“Oh sweetie… You shouldn’t feel bad because you said no to him.” She says.

It was definitely the opposite of what I was thinking she’d say to me right now.

“River asked you to prom but you said no.” She continues. “He must surely understand why you don’t want to go… And besides, he won’t force you to go.”

“I know, but I have this feeling that he wanted me to say yes.” I scrub my hand over my face. “I saw the disappointment in his eyes when I said no to him, Grandma.” I face palm myself, thinking about how his shoulders slumped when I told him that I wasn’t going to prom. “He was hurt, deeply.” I say, my words muffled due to my hand being pressed against my mouth.

“You’re not ready, Sophia.” She says, squeezing my shoulder. “He should just understand that.”

She was right. I need to heal first and that’s exactly what I was going to do.

Heal.

“But what I suggest you do is talk to him about it.” My grandmother says. “Explain to him why you’re not ready so that he would understand why you said no to him in the first place.”

I nod at her, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I owe him that much.” I tell her.

• • •

I was biting the bottom of my lip hard enough for it to draw blood as I started to pace around my room, looking at my phone lying on my nightstand. I was so determined to message River and to tell him that I’m not ready to go to the prom with him because my pain was still too fresh, but I was a nervous wreck.

What if he doesn’t want to talk to me after I have rejected him? What if I ruined our friendship by rejecting him when he just wanted to go with me as friends?

I shake my head at myself and walk over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone.

I bite my lip even harder when I spot his name in my contact list.

“In… out.” I breathe in and exhale the breath. “In and out.”

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: Can I talk to you?

His reply comes almost immediately.

RIVER JENKINS: Sure.

Okay. Now that he has responded, what exactly do I tell him? That I’m not ready to go to prom with him because it would be unfair toward my boyfriend that has been dead for a few months now?

I start to pace around my room ago, clutching my phone tightly in my left hand.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: I just want to say sorry that I said no to you this afternoon. I just… I’m not ready to go yet. I hope you can understand.

There. That sounds reasonable enough.

I’m not ready. There is no two ways about it.

I saw him read the message and my heart fluttered inside my chest when he started to type back a message, but it felt like hours before the message finally came through.

RIVER JENKINS: It’s okay.

Just when I thought that his message sounded a little too abrupt, a new one came through right after.

RIVER JENKINS: I shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that. I’m sorry.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: Truth be told… if things were different, I would’ve said yes.

I stare at my phone, wide-eyed, and felt how my hart started to beat uncontrollably inside my chest.

If things were different, I would’ve said yes.

I did not just say that.

I did, and he read the message and now I can’t delete it.

If things were different, would I have said yes?

I don’t even know the answer to that.

If things were different, I wouldn’t have been here. I would’ve been with Daniel, holding hands with him and laughing at something he’d say. I wouldn’t be here, talking to River Jenkins.

RIVER JENKINS: No, you wouldn’t have. If things were different, you’d still be with Daniel. We wouldn’t have met. We wouldn’t be here talking to each other.

Is it just me, or does that message indicate that he was kind of disappointed?

He was right, though; if Daniel didn’t die in that terrible damn accident, I would have been with him today and not here talking to River, like I said.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: You’re right.

I don’t know why I suddenly felt disappointed.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: But if we met on different occasions, not when tragedy had struck us, then I would’ve said yes. Without a doubt.

WITHOUT A DOUBT?! What the hell was wrong with me?

RIVER: *typing*

Shit.

I stare at my phone wide-eyed and stopped pacing too.

RIVER JENKINS: But tragedy did strike us and now we’re here.

SOPHIA: *stares at screen*

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: It really did, didn’t it? Tragedy brought us together.

RIVER JENKINS: Goodnight, Sophia.

That was definitely abrupt.

Was I being weird? I think I was being weird.

Oh no. Does he think I like him now?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: Goodnight, River.

Don’t push it, Sophia.

Don’t overthink it, Sophia.

He said goodnight. Maybe he’s tired.

I sigh, loudly.

I then throw my phone down onto the bed and fall head-first into my pillow, wondering how the hell the two of us got here.