Chapter Three: Breaking Down On The First Day
Sophia Crawford

Cole and I managed to survive the chaos in the hallways as he escorted me to my class only because he took it upon himself to use his body as a shield to prevent me from getting shoved out of the way from the opposing sides.

He was so kind to lead the way. I would have gotten lost if it wasn’t for him showing me the way to my class. I have a map of the school, yes, but reading it was like reading a language you didn’t know. It was confusing and it would’ve caused me to get lost even more if I used it. I didn’t take the map out again after this morning when I looked for Mr Yuri’s class. I don’t think I need it anymore, thanks to Ana for sending Cole to my rescue.

Cole and I come to a stop in front of a classroom, and by the looks of the vocabulary posters on the walls; I could tell that it was my English class.

Cole turns to me and flashes me a smile. He was holding his books underneath one arm and clutched his bag’s strap in the other. “We’re here.”

I could see why Ana fell in love with him. Cole was kinder than any other boys I have ever met—except for Daniel of course. Cole also used his own body to shield me from peering eyes and the gossip I still hear in the hallways, and even though I still heard their whispers and feel their eyes on me as we walked, he made me forget about all of them by making small talk.

I smile at him. “Thank you for walking me to class, Cole. I really appreciate it a lot. I’ll make sure to thank Ana for asking you to walk me, too.”

He returns the smile and dips his head in a quick nod. “Ana also told me to remind you that her locker’s number is a45. We’ll meet you at the lockers at lunchtime and then we’ll walk the rest of the way to the cafeteria together.”

I nod, clutching my school bag in my hand.

Cole waves at me and turns on his heels to make his way to his class.

I was standing in the doorway to my English class before I finally decided to sail inside. Most of the students were already seated and when the door clicked shut behind me, all of them looked at me. It felt like I was standing before all of them naked, like in a terrible nightmare.

“In and out.” I chant inside my head. “In and out.”

I mutter an apology to the teacher who had her eyebrows raised toward me, but she didn’t scold me like I thought she would, but when I made my way deeper into the classroom, I realised why: most tables were still empty—there were still a lot of students who had to arrive and it wasn’t just me who was late to class.

I ignore the stares and the gossip as I made my way toward the back of the classroom where desks were still empty.

I plop down in my seat and take out the things I would need for the class before placing them on the desk in front of me.

I was relieved to see that this class didn’t have a seating plan like Biology did. I don’t want to be paired with someone who thinks I am a freak. I suffered enough with the devil incarnate being so rude and completely despicable in Biology, and this morning when we bumped in to each other.

I don’t need any more drama today.

I don’t think I can stomach any more drama.

When the class filled up and no one, to my relief, sat next to me, I released a relieved breath and focused on the teacher in front of the classroom.

I wasn’t even at all bothered that no one wanted to sit next to me.

I nodded occasionally to what Mrs Newman was saying, showing her that I was paying attention to her even though I was sitting at the very back of the classroom where I couldn’t quite see her very well, but I managed to answer her questions correctly without making a complete fool out of myself.

Thankfully.

• • •

When English was finally over, I make my way to locker number a45 on the first floor—Ana’s locker—to meet up with her and Cole. If they don’t set me up. No. Ana and Cole would never do that. I am just overthinking it again.

What I did overthink, though, is the fact that I didn’t bump into the devil incarnate again this morning, but I also wasn’t going to get my hopes up. He might grace me with his presence during lunchtime or even in the very last class of today, so I wasn’t going to get happy so soon.

If I do have another class with him…that would just be my damn luck.

I already have two subjects with him—Math and Biology where I had the honour of being his damn desk partner, note the sarcasm, so I don’t think I can handle another class with his sarcasm and his constant rudeness. Just thinking about it made my blood boil, but I immediately relaxed when I spotted Ana waving frantically at me trying to get my attention.

Cole was at her hip, holding her hand and smiling too when he noticed me.

I instantly feel relieved.

 “Ana, Cole…” I then release a relieved breath seeing a familiar face once again, looking at Ana. “Thanks again for sending Cole to the rescue. I don’t think I would have found my way around the school if it wasn’t for him.”

“Don’t even mention it.” Ana says, tucking a loose curl of her golden brown hair behind her ear. “So, are we going to eat or what? I am beyond famished.”

Cole and I nod simultaneously and it was in that moment when my stomach decided to give one ugly growl. Cole and Ana chuckle and I join in. I was famished too and if it wasn’t for my grandmother’s eggs and toast this morning, I think I would have passed out from hunger right about now.

Ana hooks her arm in mine and Cole walks beside her.

We make our way through the bodies of students and when we entered the cafeteria through the swinging double doors, it was filled with more students and their loud chatter.

My heart started to beat fast just looking at everyone in the cafeteria. I never liked eating in front of people, at all, even before the accident, but now, I hated it even more because I was the talk of the town today with my scar, so everyone had their eyes on me. I still heard their gossip and laughs.

When Ana, Cole and I delved deeper into the cafeteria, I suddenly felt more panicked. I didn’t want to sit between the sea of students on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs spaced around long tables where anyone could see my scar and gossip about it with their friends, and I didn’t want to eat in front of them either, but I mentally cheered when Ana turned right and pushed open yet another set of double doors that led to the outside.

When the double doors closed behind the three of us, the chatter of students, the whir of electronics in the kitchen and the clatter of dishes drowned out almost immediately. The only sounds were the hum of insects and distant chatter of students that sat a few feet away from the cafeteria.

Other than that, it was peacefully quiet outside, just how I loved it.

Ana unhooks her arm from mine and sits down onto the ground with her back against the bricked wall of the school. There was a window above her head but someone had to stand on their tiptoes to see us sitting outside.

I sit on the ground in front of her, on a patch of dry, brown grass.

“What would you like, Sophia?” Cole asks me.

It’s then when I noticed that he hasn’t joined us on the ground.

“Huh?”

“It’s his turn to buy lunch today,” Ana says, “tell him what you want and he’ll get it for you.”

“Oh, I can’t possibly expect you to pay for my lunch.” I shake my head repeatedly and play with a strand of dry grass between my fingertips. “I’ll go in with you. I can’t possibly expect you to buy lunch for me—”

“Nonsense,” Ana cuts me off, “it’s what we do. We make turns buying lunch.”

Cole nods.

“Okay fine,” I give in, “but I’m next on the list to pay for lunch, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that.” Cole was the one to say.

“Yeah,” Ana says, “You’re our friend now.”

“But I want to.”

“Okay, fine,” Ana throws her hands up in fake surrender, “then it’s a deal.”

“So, what will it be?” Cole asks.

“Just water and a sandwich. I don’t care which one. Anything is fine.”

Cole nods, places a gentle kiss against Ana’s temple, and jumps up from the ground before he disappears through the double doors of the cafeteria.

Seeing that simple gesture of Cole kissing Ana’s temple made it feel as if tough a sharp knife pierced through my heart. My heart aches inside my chest seeing the two of them so happy. Don’t get me wrong, Ana is such a lovely person and she deserves to be treated like the queen she is, but when I see them, I see a glimpse of Daniel and me in the two of them and that’s why I think that it always feels as if though my heart wants to explode inside my ribcage when I see the two of them being so happy and in love.

I guess it hurts so much seeing the two of them so happy because it could’ve been us—Daniel and I. It could’ve been me being kissed against my temple by Daniel’s if only I didn’t look away from the slippery road to kiss him.

“Are you okay, Sophia?” Ana asks me, the concern was clear in her tone.

I swallow down the tears that threatened to fall and nod at her repeatedly so she won’t notice the red of my eyes. “Yes. I’m okay.”

When Cole returns, the ache inside my chest had lessened just a little bit.

Cole hands me a BLT sandwich wrapped in a thin sheet of white parchment paper and a bottle of water just like I requested. He gives Ana a bottle of orange juice and also a BLT sandwich. Cole only helped himself with a sandwich. He didn’t have a bottle of water or juice like Ana and I did.

I thank him for my lunch and start to dig in immediately.

A few days ago, I wouldn’t have eaten as much as I did just now, but being in Ana and Cole’s company made me feel like I was at complete ease. That, and the fact that I was famished, too. I didn’t lose my appetite this time like the many times I did before back home at Grandma’s and before I knew it, the entire half of the sandwich was gone in a matter of seconds. I wanted to blush for eating so fast, but Ana and Cole were too busy talking to each other to notice that I swiped the entire half of the sandwich in seconds.

Cole then focuses his attention onto me. “What brought you to this school, Sophia?”

“Yeah,” Ana chimes in, “I want to know, too.”

I start to chew slowly so that I could avoid answering his question, but when I swallowed all the contents down, I couldn’t avoid the question any longer, especially since they looked at me as they waited for me to answer.

Right when I summoned enough courage to answer their question, a scowl suddenly appears onto Ana’s face. I frown, thinking it was directed toward me for taking so long to answer Cole’s question, but when I looked over my shoulder, I noticed the devil incarnate occupying an empty desk underneath a tree a few feet away from where we were sitting.

I could tell it was him because of his notebook. It was a specific kind of notebook, and now that he was seated close by, I could really look at it without causing River any suspicion. The notebook’s cover was soft, and it had a black strap to keep the notebook closed when you’re finished with it.

There was writing on the front cover of the notebook, but the letters were quite small, so I couldn’t quite catch a glimpse at what the notebook said.

The notebook was black, or was it dark green? I couldn’t tell from where I was sitting, but the notebook was dark, and the writing was light, as if he used a white marker to write on the cover of the notebook’s dark cover.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Ana rolls her eyes and takes a bite out of her sandwich. “The devil incarnate.” Ana smiles at me. There’s silent understanding passing between the two of us, making me laugh silently.

Cole, on the other hand, didn’t look impressed at all. “Leave him be, Ana.” He says, “River’s not bothering anyone when he sits there on that bench of his. He’s minding his own business, and I think you should too, Ana love.”

I think with the way Cole was so quick to defend River, he knew something we didn’t, but even if something did happen with River for him to become this despicable person, it didn’t give him reason to be rude to everyone.

I wasn’t being rude, and I had reason.

“He was rude to Sophia this morning.” Ana says, defending herself.

“I’m sorry that he was rude to you this morning,” Cole says to me and then turns back to Ana who was frowning, “you know why he is the way he is.”

“You don’t know if what happened is what truly happened.” Ana says in a low tone. “You know better than to believe to the rumours going around.”

I couldn’t help but frown in deep concentration at Cole’s words: “You know why he is the way he is.” And then Ana’s words had me even more confused: “You know better than to believe the rumours going around.”

So River, the blond-haired rude boy who hides behind his hoody was the talk of the town before I came along.

He must’ve been if there were rumours going around school about him.

Well, at least River now knows how it feels to be talked about, but looking at how he walks in the hallways and how he treats people he doesn’t even know tells me that he doesn’t really care about anyone’s opinions at all.

“I guess you are right,” Ana sighs in defeat, “he can sit where he wants to.”

A strand of Ana’s curly hair falls to her face and before she could tuck it behind her ear herself, Cole beat her to it and did it for her. His thumb brushes her cheek in the process and I noticed the slight blush that coated both of her cheeks at the sweet gesture.

A familiar pain I know so well engulfs me entirely.

The pain was slowly starting to swallow me whole.

“In and out, Sophia.” I chant inside my head. “Breathe in and out, slowly.”

But it was too late. The painful memories were already starting to play inside my mind and they threatened to break the strong façade I was trying so hard to hold up around everyone, specifically Ana and Cole. Before I knew it, my lip was starting to quiver and my hands started to shake badly.

The cool metal of the keys made me shiver but I forget all about it when he leans down to place a tender kiss against my forehead.

My hand wanted to touch the engagement ring I have hidden underneath my shirt, but taking it out to comfort myself with it would only cause more questions to be asked—questions I don’t really want to answer.

It has been over five months since I lost him, but the pain was still too raw as if it happened just yesterday and not five months ago and it was still too painful to think about.

It feel as if though the grief after losing Daniel and burying him in a grave while he was still so young is going to last forever, and it scared me. I didn’t want this to last forever. I don’t think I would be able to handle it. It’s already starting to pull me under, like a strong wave pulling someone further and further back into the ocean—it felt inescapable. Never ending.

I must’ve shed a tear because Ana and Cole both looked at me worriedly.

“Sophia? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Ana asks, lifting her hand to place it over my trembling one, but I scrambled to get up from the ground, and I pushed through the double doors of the cafeteria, never looking over my shoulder once. Not even when both Ana and Cole shouted for me to return.

I run to the nearest bathroom, hoping and praying there wasn’t anyone inside to witness my full-on breakdown, but when I entered the small bathroom that contained only three stalls of toilets and three, dirty sinks with mirrors mounted against the walls, there wasn’t anyone inside.

I click the door shut behind me and sink down to the floor with my back against the white door. I hug my knees to my chest when it felt like my heart wanted to explode inside my ribcage. And I started to sob. Violently.

I miss Daniel too much.

The grief was eating me alive. The pain was swallowing me whole. And the regret was boxing me in from all the sides—it felt as if I was locked inside.

My heart was banging inside my chest like a crazed caged animal trying to get out, and then there were days when it felt as if my heart was being squeezed. I don’t think my heart could handle this strong pain anymore.

“Sophia? Are you in there?” Ana asks, knocking on the door softly when she realised that the door wasn’t going to open soon with me sitting against the door. “Sophia? Please open the door.”

My hands were as cold as snow but yet my cheeks were so warm.

I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands and stand up from the ground.

I can’t stay hidden in the bathroom forever. I have to leave and face the harsh reality of my life—that Daniel was gone and that I couldn’t bring him back even though I would want nothing more for him to be here right now.

If I could swap our places, I would, without a second’s hesitation, but unfortunately life didn’t work that way. The universe doesn’t grant us any wishes, or genies in bottles—we just have to face the harsh reality of life and the decisions we have made in the past and suffer the consequences thereof.

“Sophia, did I do something wrong?”

I shake my head even though Ana couldn’t see it.

I walk over to the sink right when the door behind me opened and Ana came rushing through.

The door slowly started to close and I caught a glimpse of River, the rude boy hiding behind his hoody, walking past with his hands propped deeply in his hoody’s pockets. His gaze raked over me in a matter of just a few seconds and he caught a glimpse of my tear-stained cheeks and red-rimmed eyes right before the door closed shut, and walked past like it couldn’t bother him any less that the new girl was crying in the girls’ bathroom.

I flick my gaze back to Ana who looked at me with concern. “Sophia… Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I tell her, but my words fell to the floor like dead leaves in winter when I started to cry yet again.

It was just all too much for me. I couldn’t do it.

Ana then grabs me, pulls me to her, and gives me the tightest hug. “I am so sorry if I said anything wrong or if I upset you in any way. I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head slowly, trying to tell her that she didn’t do or say anything wrong, but the words were lodged inside my throat and they didn’t want to leave. She seemed to understand because she just kept hugging and comforting me.

After a few minutes has passed, Ana pulled away first but her hands were still on my shoulders, squeezing them gently. “Are you okay, Sophia?” She asks, lifting her hand so she could wipe a tear running down my cheek.

The gesture wanted to make me cry again, but I swallowed it down and nodded at her. “You didn’t do or say anything wrong. It’s just…” I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands again and wipe my damp hands against my pants. “I was a little too overwhelmed with everything. Starting a new school is hard… And then there was River who was so rude to me this morning… I just… I broke… It all became a little too much for me today.”

Ana nods in understanding and lets go of my shoulders. “It’s going to be okay.” She says.

When I lost Daniel over a few months ago and my parents blamed me for his death, and they sent me with my bags packed straight to my grandmother’s house, the first thing my grandmother said to me when she opened the door was that everything was going to be okay.

I didn’t believe those words because with the guilt eating me alive and the grief swallowing me whole, it felt as if nothing would ever be okay again. But when Ana said those words, I wanted to believe them. I want to believe that after the grief has passed and the guilt has subsided, that it would be okay again.

I nod at her only because I didn’t have to say anything else.

She already knew what I wanted to say.

She smiles at me, the same smile from this morning, and pulls me toward the sink. “Now,” she opened the tap and let the cold water flow down the sink, “let’s get your face cleaned up.”

• • •

The rest of the day passed in a blur and I didn’t have another breakdown since.

To be honest, I was glad the day was over. I just wanted to go home, do my homework, and be with my grandmother in front of the TV watching TV shows, but when I passed the glass doors of the office, the office lady called me inside.

“Your grandmother told me to remind you about the support group.” She says.

I sigh in defeat. I completely forgot about the stupid support group my grandmother signed me up for.

“Where is it behind held?” I ask her.

“The gym right down the hall.” She explains.

 I nod, clutching my school bag’s strap tightly in my hand.

“It’s spacious there, and a little more private.”

“Thank you.” I force a smile.

“You’re welcome.”

I leave the office and walk in the direction I came from.

I enter the gym, seeing eight chairs spaced in a circle directly in the middle of the gym, and four chairs were already occupied.

The one guy, the oldest one of the four, is most likely the support group leader. And then the other three were students.

When the door handle slipped through my hand, the gym doors clicked shut behind me, loudly, causing everyone’s attention to land on me. “Sorry,” I apologize under my breath, “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, you didn’t interrupt at all.” The support group leader says, smiling before he beckoned for me to sit on one of the four chairs that were still unoccupied.

I force yet another smile and choose the seat right next to his.

The wood floors were shiny and polished.

The gym smelled like floor wax.

I was focusing on the unused bleachers and the smell of the floor wax and the support leader’s cologne when the gym doors opened and the rest of the students came waltzing inside.

I didn’t pay them any attention as they entered the gym talking amongst themselves, that was until my gaze landed on a very familiar blond haired boy.

When those blue eyes landed on mine, I cursed mentally.

It was him.

It was the devil incarnate.

And he was part of the support group.