Vulnerable

When I finish re-telling my recollection of the past Taeyoung stays silent. I'm lying on my back, my eyes focused on the white ceiling above.

My body feels as numb as it did that day—my mind is also clouded by the memories.

"Sohee, have you talked about this with anyone?"

"No. Not until now." My voice is monotone, reflecting the darkness that is swirling in my mind.

I hear Taeyoung sigh beside me. "You shouldn't keep that inside for so long."

I don't say anything.

"I can tell that you've been avoiding it, but it's just going to be harder for you if you try to forget."

Just like my mom tried to forget Korea, and my father.

"I don't want to remember," my words are fragile as they leave my lips.

Silence. Then he moves his body so that he's closer to me, hand coming to hold the side of my face, pulling it to the side to face him.

"When I remember it just hurts, it's just a hole I can't begin to fill back up. It hurts, it hurts so much." Water flows from my tear ducts, rapidly falling down my cheeks, trying to get away from my eyes as fast as it can.

"Let it out baby, let all of that pain out."

He pulls me against him, my head burying in his chest. But I don't want to let it out, I had been doing so well this whole month. I was happy, I had smiled more than I have in a long time. I don't want to let the darkness seep in again.

I try to push him away, desperately forcing those tears to stop, trying my hardest to push that wall over my heart again so that I don't have to be sad again. But when I push against him he just holds me even tighter. When I punch him with my weak fists he caresses my hair, stroking it. When I raise my voice, do whatever I can to refuse his hold, to refuse those darkened feelings from being materialized, he continues to put up with me. Even at my most vulnerable, my ugliest, he is still here willing to do what's best for me, even if I can't see that myself.

And my feeble attempts to get away collapse, the warmth of his body and heart melting the cold ice surrounding my own.

So I listen to him and my heart, and I cry.

"That's it, don't hold back the pain. It'll feel better when you release it all."

"How could she leave me like that? She's the only one I had, and she just left me." I hug him back, whimpering against his shirt as the pain takes over momentarily.

"You know she didn't want to leave you. You know if she could she would still be here." His hands rub circles on my quaking back, his words softly reaching my ringing ears.

"Then life—the universe is so so cruel," these words leave a bitter taste in my mouth as my face contorts in pain. It's really not fair.

"The universe is really mean sometimes." His hand now comes to stroke through my hair rhythmically. My crying slowly fades into sniffles. "If you want I can go talk to it," he suddenly says.

I finally look up at him. "What?"

"The universe. I'll go have a talk with it and demand an apology for sucking so much."

For a moment I just look at him curiously, eyes shifting between his own. Then I slowly smile.

"Okay, you do that please."

"Anything for you baby," he leans down to softly kiss the top of my head.

"I miss her, I miss her so much."

"I know baby."

He becomes the lighthouse shining at the far end of the ocean; the reassurance I need in knowing that he's right there, his light still shining brightly. So while I'm lost at sea, the darkness covering me, his light reminds me that I can always return back to shore. And eventually, I do.

***

I should have felt embarrassed once the tears finally halted, my quivering body finally finding it's normal rhythm. But I didn't. When he slowly pulled me away from the shield of his body, I felt safe and comfortable. His soft brown eyes reassured me as he wiped away the last of my tears.

He was right. I feel like a weight had been lifted off of me, a weight that I never even noticed growing. Now it feels easier to breathe.

When we get out of bed we're silent, but it isn't awkward, just comforting.

"Thank you," I softly whisper to him.

I then go to the bathroom to wash my face, letting the cold water take care of my puffy eyes. I brush out my hair and try on a smile. It isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was able to confront my trauma, and while I'm not healed, I feel a bit better.

I should shower, I probably smell like alcohol and black bean noodles. So I quickly do, using whatever shampoo and conditioner is there. It's not fruity smelling, which is what I prefer, but it'll do.

I feel refreshed after, the puffiness around my eyes settling down now. I grab a folded towel and wrap it around myself.

I'm about to leave the bathroom when my eyes catch onto something on my neck. A pink and purple spot decorates the skin on the nape of my neck. When I press on it, it's tender—not quite a bruise, but painful to the touch. My cheeks begin to flush pink when I remember last night, when his fingers softly skimmed across the skin there, my mind corrupted by the memory of his lips on my neck.

When the door opens I'm pulled out of my mind with a gasp.

"Are you okay?" Taeyoung asks when he sees my red face. His eyes then graze down my towel covered body, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows.

"Yeah—"

His eyes then focus on where my fingers still lie. He comes closer, trying to get a look at it. He pulls down my fingers.

"I'm sorry."

But he's smiling.

"No you're not."

"You're right, I'm not."

My heart beat fastens at his words. He runs his own fingers over the mark, then he softly kisses it. My breath hitches in my throat as the feeling of his cold breath tingles my hot skin. His hands then move to hold both sides of my face, a big peck on the lips following.

The goofy smile on his face is enough to make me forget what I was just crying about earlier. It is so sweet, so pure.

I get the urge to say it then, I love you. But it becomes obstructed by my throat.

"Now if you'll excuse me," he moves to turn on the shower, "I'm going to quickly shower."

"Oh okay."

"You can join if you want? You're still wet anyway." His tone is joking, his eyes sparkling.

"Hey!" I lightly punch his arm and he pretends that it actually hurts.

I begin to leave the bathroom but I catch a glimpse of his smooth and broad back before closing the door. Maybe I should join?  The image of his bare back lingers in my mind for too long as my own back leans against the door.

No you idiot.

I change back into my clothes from yesterday.
I really should leave some of my own clothes here. I smile at this thought. This is what it's like to have a boyfriend, isn't it?

I like it. I like it a lot.

Once I'm decent, I head to the kitchen. Junwoo is eating cereal and looking at his phone.

"Good morning noona," he sings to me.

"Good morning." I smile at him, taking a seat beside him.

"Where were you last night?" I ask him.

"At a friend's house. Where were you?" He smirks at me playfully.

I don't respond and instead tap the back of his head.

"Nothing happened. I was a bit drunk so he let me sleep here."

"Hmm... sure." His smirk grows even wider.

I'm about to hit him again when he holds his arms up in mercy. "No, no! I'm happy that you stayed over!"

"What? Why?"

His smirk turns into a soft smile. "Do you know why I was so friendly to you when we first met?"

It takes a while to try and understand his sentence, so he repeats it slower, laughing at me.

"Don't say long sentences so fast like that Junwoo," I groan at him. "But yes, I remember. I was very confused."

"It's because I knew he liked you."

Oh?

"I knew that day we met that he liked you. Taeyoung doesn't stare at girls like that—at least not since I've met him—and I wanted him to do something about it. Honestly, Minjun and I were so tired of his attitude towards dating. So I strategically brought you to our place so you could see where he lives."

He wiggles his eyebrows at me. I stare at him with a blank expression.

Once I realize what he said I gasp out a, "What?!"

"You got to see where he lives, began to trust me more, coincidentally bumped into Taeyoung more, I constantly talked about you to him..."

"What about the language partner thing, did you do that?"

"What? No, I'm good but not that good noona."

So I guess the only coincidence was him being my language partner.

"Anyways. You're welcome." He sits back smugly and takes a sip of his water.

"Yah, you didn't do all of the work. It's because of my charming, cute self that he started to like me."

He laughs at my sudden burst of fake confidence.

Taeyoung comes into the kitchen. "What are you guys laughing about?"

"You," Junwoo replies and Taeyoung heads straight towards him. Junwoo jumps out of his seat and runs around the island screaming in mock terror. He pretends to beg for mercy when Taeyoung grabs him in a headlock. It's quite funny considering the fact that Junwoo is actually quite a bit stronger than Taeyoung, as he likes to remind us constantly.

Taeyoung lets him free and comes around to face me. His hand moves part of my hair behind my ear.

"Do you want to go out to eat breakfast? You're probably missing Western food by now."

"Yeah," I groan in agreement. As terrible as it is for you, Western breakfast is my absolute favourite.

My hands come up to feel his damp hair. I love the way it falls over his forehead in sharp, wet strands. The smell of his shampoo wafts its way into my nose. Or maybe it is from my own hair, since I also used the same shampoo.

"What are you doing?" He asks with a chuckle.

"I like you," I respond, messing up his hair now with a grin.

His eyes take time to move between both of mine, his forehead leaning in closer and closer.

When he kisses me I can hear Junwoo groan in disgust in the background. This causes me to laugh against Taeyoung's lips.

"Oh wait." He abruptly pulls back. He takes out his phone from his pocket and goes into a calendar app. "I have a photoshoot. But we can still eat breakfast together, I have time."

"Oh, okay."

"Do you want to come? To the photoshoot?" His eyes look up at me from the phone screen. "This shouldn't be a long one. It's supposed to be relatively short they said. And we can do something afterwards."

I think this through. I might be kind of nice to see Taeyoung get dressed up and pose for photos. But what will everyone there say? I bet they're all gorgeous and stylishly dressed. They probably expect him to date a fellow model, someone tall and skinny with puckered lips and shiny hair.

But I really wanted to spend the day with him.

"Okay." My mouth decides for me.

. . .

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Love,

Sooaura