Family

I'm sitting on the bus, Koko's words from earlier ringing in my ears.

"At least text him, let him know you're alive."

With a heavy sigh and cold hands, I look for his name on my phone. My thumbs pause over the screen.

소희: 보고싶어
[I miss you]

I delete the message before typing another one, and another one. Finally, I settle for something simple.

소희: I'm going to my father's house for a while

I hit send and bury my phone in my bag as if it might blow up at any moment. After a while, I hear the beep of a new text message, but I can't bring myself to read it.

I feel relieved when I walk through the doors of the restaurant. I greet the new waiter and head to the back and up the stairs. I dump my things in Seulgi's room.

"Yah!" The young girl yells.

"What, where else am I gonna sleep?" I deadpan, glaring at her for a moment before we both break out into soft smiles. It'll be nice to spend a week with my sister.

That night the two of us lie on her floor with skincare masks on our faces. We both stare up at the ceiling, talking about Seulgi's latest crush.

"I thought his name was Minhyuk?" I question.

"No! I told you Minhyuk started dating this other girl. She isn't even pretty, but whatever," she mumbles the last sentence.

"Okay then, who is this new guy again?"

"언니 [sister], you're so slow," I can't see her but I can almost hear her eyes roll around. "His name is Yoo Changsub."

"Okay, Yoo Changsub, got it."

"Anyways, like I was saying, before the semester ended he said we should hang out during the break." She turns her head slightly to watch my reaction as if she's expecting me to squeal in joy for her.

"Okay?" I turn to look back at her with an unimpressed expression.

"What do you mean okay? He basically asked me to be his girlfriend!"

I chuckle and look away. She groans at me and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Well, what's new with you then? What's so great about your love life?"

I know she doesn't mean to, but her words cause my smile to immediately fall. My eyes scan over the ceiling as if looking for something that'll never be there.

"I don't know," I say softly.

"What?" She turns her whole body over in shock to face me. Her facemask peels off from one side as a result, and she hastily sticks it back on as her sparkling eyes glue onto me.

"I don't know. It's complicated."

"Oh don't give me that lame excuse. Tell me."

I sigh before filling her in on the disaster that was New Years Eve.

"Oh... I guess that kinda sucks," she mindlessly says as her eyes zone out beyond my face. "But still, shouldn't you talk to him? It's not like he cheated or anything."

I feel my body tense up defensively at this, "of course he didn't, he wouldn't do that."

"Then why are you so upset?"

I pause and look back up at the ceiling. "I don't think it's Taeyoung that's the problem. I think I'm the problem."

***

Before falling asleep I gain the courage to look at my phone.

태영: Sohee, I'm glad you're safe. Please meet me when you get back.

태영: 너무 보고싶다
[I miss you so much]

I stare at the messages for a long time, reading them over and over again until they replay in my head like a broken record. Finally, after my eyes have blurred the text into incoherency, my fingers type a message back.

소희: 나도 보고싶어
[I miss you too]

***

I've been here for four days now, and it's seemed to help me out a lot. My energy has come back and I've been having fun going out shopping with Seulgi.

"We're thinking of moving the restaurant, and our home." My father says this at the dinner table.

"Oh? Where to?" I ask.

"Closer to Yongsan. We've been saving up the money for a long time now. The restaurant will do better in a more dense area of Seoul. And—"

Seulgi cuts him off, "And I want to move downtown."

"Oh? What about Changsub?"

She sharply nudges me with her elbow. "Shut up," she whispers.

"Changsub? Who's Changsub?" Her mother asks. I can't help but laugh as the girl's face grows red.

After dinner, my father and I clean the dishes together.

"So Summer, it's nice that you're finally talking to me again," he lightly smiles at me.

"What?"

"You hadn't been saying more than two words to me since your boyfriend made an appearance."

"Oh. That."

Do we have to talk about this now?

"Can I just clear something up with you?"

I nod my head and stare at the bubbles in the sink.

"You have to look at this from my perspective. I haven't gotten to see my daughter in almost nineteen years, and when she finally does show up a boy takes her away. You're in a country you haven't been in for so long, and there are many boys here who see a girl like you and pursue you for one purpose."

I try to say something but he softly shushes me.

"Just let me finish. I get that he is different or whatever, but you have no idea how many times I've seen guys talking to foreign girls in English just to turn to their Korean friend beside them and say disgusting things about her in Korean. Seeing girls stare at those kinds of guys, completely oblivious to his intentions and his words, makes me sick. This happens a lot. I get that your Korean is advanced enough that you understand, but I can't help but be scared for you. You're my daughter."

I ponder on this, feeling a bit heart warmed by his clear sense of worry for me.

"Also, if anyone else was in the restaurant that day they would have likely called the police on your boyfriend. Unfortunately, even if that guy was saying bad things to you, here that doesn't count for much unless he physically hurts you. Calling the police on that guy would have ended up with your boyfriend going to jail and the scumbag smiling in accomplishment as he gets off scot free with the knowledge that he can keep doing that and get away with it."

I grow completely speechless at all the things he tells me. And each and every word makes sense, as much as I may not want it to. I put the last dish away and lean against the counter.

"I understand. I'm sorry I didn't see it that way."

"It's okay, of course, you were upset, but I was just more worried about you than him in that moment. How is a father supposed to feel when his first introduction to his daughter's boyfriend is through him knocking a guy down to the floor?" He chuckles after this before sitting down at the table. "By the way, the guy came back. I shooed him out of here with the broom and threatened to call the police."

A smile forms on my lips. "Thank you," I respond softly.

"How is your boyfriend by the way?"

Can everyone please stop asking this?

"He's okay."

My father stares at me, looking right through me as if he knows everything I've ever thought in my life.

"I may not have raised you past two years old, but I know that he's not okay."

I sigh and take a seat across from him. I stare at my fingers as I reply.

"It's my fault. I've been extra sensitive lately, and I don't know why."

"Are you stressed out about anything?"

"No. I don't think so."

There's a silent pause between both of us.

"Do you miss your mother?"

I can feel my heart thump against my chest plate all of a sudden. I stare at him with unsure eyes, my hands starting to clam up in nervousness.

"I don't—I don't know," my voice cracks.

"Summer, did you ever really let her go?"

I just shake my head as everything floods back into my memory. I never got to say a proper goodbye, I was never ready to. And now, I don't know how?

My father sighs and moves to sit next to me. He pulls my hands away from my face and looks down at me with eyes that seem as though they know much more than I ever will.

"You probably don't know this, but your mother called me from the hospital."

I look at him in complete and utter surprise.

"I know, I was shocked too. She hadn't called me in eighteen years. She called me and told me she was going to die," he pauses as he looks off into the distance, a sour smile on his lips. "She told me her plan to send you back to Korea. I didn't agree with her. But it was her last wish, she begged me to keep an eye on you."

What? My mother sent me here?

"I thought you brought me here?"

He shakes his head. "Your mother did. Who do you think is paying your tuition?"

I shake my head in denial as tears fill my eyes.

"Why?"

We didn't have enough money to pay for tuition at a school like this, I was supposed to go to a local college. I thought we couldn't afford this?

"She enrolled you before she passed. She wanted you to learn about this side of your heritage. She said she regretted suppressing your Korean culture just because of—because of me. That's what she told me."

Sobs leave my mouth as I shake my head over and over again. I hated my father when I moved here because I thought it was his doing. I thought he took custody of me and paid for me to go to school. But all this time it was my mother? Why?

"Summer, don't be mad at her. She just wanted what was best for you."

I sniff away the liquid that drips from my nose. My father holds my head in his hands and asks me to look at him.

"She loved you more than anything else in this world. And Summer, I think you should go see her."

I look at both of his eyes with my blurry vision, thinking and contemplating his words.

Then I nod my head.

I need to go see her and say goodbye properly.

. . .

A/N:

I hope your frustration over Sohee/Summer stops. All this time, and worse as time passed, she's been in denial about her mother's death. She never got a proper goodbye and assumed her dad had brought her to Korea. She's been pushing her mom out of her mind lately, and that can actually cause physical symptoms if the psychological turmoil gets bad (it's a coping mechanism called repression, if you study Freud you probably know what I'm talking about). There are symptoms such as anxiety and fainting (ring any bells?). I hope things are starting to make more sense. Don't be insensitive. I saw many people say that she's being too dramatic and over sensitive. Mental health doesn't give a shit about what's going on in your life—good or bad it will make it hell.

xx Sooaura