[MITCH MCCONNELL and RAND PAUL exit and TUCKER CARLSON walks back across the stage holding a sign that says "Preset Day". A spotlight shines on BEN SASSE.]

[To the tune of "Diva's Lament" from Spamalot.]

BEN SASSE:

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY BRAND?

THE ONE THEY THOUGHT MIGHT TAKE A STAND

NOW THEY'RE LEARNING THAT'S NOT TRUE

AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO

I'VE PREENED MY IMAGE FAR TOO LONG

I WON'T LET PEOPLE SAY I'M WRONG

SOME HAVE CALLED ME TO RESIGN

ABOUT MY COMMENTS ON CHINA

WHY DOES NOBODY SEEM TO UNDERSTAND

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY BRAND?

I FEEL STUCK IN MY CAREER

HOW DO I MOVE UP FROM HERE

UP FROM HERE, I MUST GET THERE BY ALL MEANS

I'VE NO THANKS AND NO REWARDS

I'VE NO NOBEL AWARDS

I'M CONSTANTLY CALLED OUT BY COLLEGE TEENS,

COLLEGE TEENS

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY BRAND?

THIS RESISTANCE WAS SURE NOT PLANNED

I'M JUST A SIMPLE FARMER BOY

AND ALSO FREMONT'S PRIDE AND JOY

BUT NOW THEY'RE STARTING TO INSULT

THIS SCHOLAR GENIUS TRUE ADULT

MORE WAGES FOR FRY COOKS?

DON'T THEY KNOW I WROTE TWO BOOKS

IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE OVERPLAYED THEIR HAND

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY

I went to Harvard damn it!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY

Not yours! Not yours!

BY MY,

BRAND!