Chapter 5

Finn

I had been painting all day and despite how careful I usually am, somehow managed to be covered in paint. It was one of those days where I was so focused, so in the painting I didn't notice if I leaned against my palette or was holding a brush against my face why pondering my vision.

I took off my usual oversized raggedy painting shirt and hung it up to dry, but was in dire need of a shower and then I wanted to just zone out for a while.  I had been focused on my canvas for a good 6 or 7 hours straight with just a quick stop to grab a banana and granola bar.  The result is that I finished the painting, but I probably should have stopped and completed it the next day.  I was tired and a headache was forming.

I stopped in the kitchen to make a quick sandwich and saw a note from Benji that he and Ajax had gone out and wouldn’t be back for a few hours.  Perfect, sounded like quiet downtime was in the cards.  I made a turkey sandwich and drank a bottle of water while thumbing through a news magazine that I found on the counter. 

After I finished my sandwich I checked my phone which I had turned off while I was working.  I had a text from Chris just saying hey.  He and his boyfriend were planning a visit in August; I’d be settled in my new apartment by then so I wouldn’t feel rude having guests when I was a guest myself.  Chris and I were still really good friends, he was a great guy, we just weren’t meant to be a couple.  He was doing well; he had a new boyfriend, well, not so new anymore they’d been together about a year and a half now.  A great guy named Thomas who came to study Journalism in New York from North Africa.  Really smart guy; spoke several languages, very charismatic, kind, funny and very handsome.  Nice build, large brown eyes, short dark hair and as Chris loved to describe, skin a shade lighter than a caramel frappe (his favourite drink) and full lips that he could taste and nibble for hours.  He wasn't too in love.

Yeah, I was more than a little envious I chuckled to myself.  They were really happy and I could tell this was a serious thing.  I wouldn’t be surprised if sometime down the road I got a call to get a tux and get my ass back to New York for a wedding.  I sent him a quick text and told him all was good.

Standing up I stretched my back which was stiff from painting for so long.  ‘Off to the shower’ I thought as I tiredly walked down the hallway to the stairs.  As I passed Ajax’s home office I peeked inside.  The cherry wood furniture and masculine feel reminded me very much of…

It was a nice office.

Fuck. Was it going to be one of those days?

I found myself wandering in and running my fingers across the books on the large shelf.  Even his taste in books is similar.  The office had that reminiscent smell of old leather and wood.

I found a shelf of awards, soccer trophies and other sentimental memorabilia Ajax liked to keep close at hand.

And framed pictures.  Some of he and Benji and others...

I don’t know how long I stood staring at them.  Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty?  I was startled by the ringing of a telephone.  Ajax was one of the few people I knew who still liked to keep a landline in the house.  It still took me a few seconds, several rings before I could tear my eyes away from Ajax’s family pictures.

I turned and looked at the phone like it was some unknown entity, a mysterious invention I had yet to be introduced to.  ‘Answer the phone Finn,’ I said out loud.  It had rung a good 8-10 times by now, so I quickly walked over and picked it up.

“Hello?”

The connection was crackly, there was no reply.

“Hello?” I tried again.  I waited a few seconds before uttering one more impatient hello.  Maybe I took too long to answer and they had already disconnected.  I hung up the phone and before heading up to the shower took one last long look at the pictures.  ‘Don’t come in here anymore Finn.’ 

‘I’m really losing it; I’m talking to myself now.’

I shook my head and with a sigh took forced steps out of the office, guiding myself upstairs to the guest room.  In the ensuite I turned on the hot water and let it warm up to a few notches below scalding.  Stripping out of my dirty clothes I checked the water and stepped in letting it flow over me like a waterfall, my closed eyes turned up as the heavy drops ran over my face.  Breathing in the cleansing steam as I tried to relax my tense muscles.

“Fuck!” I hissed turning around, resting my head on my arms against the wall of the shower as the hot water ran down my back. I could feel my chest constricting to the point that I felt like I couldn't breathe.

“Fuck!” I sobbed and slowly felt my defenses wither and all sense of control fritter away like old paint flaking from an ancient fresco.  All of the emotions that I try to keep buried began to overwhelm me.  Stoicism lost, unwelcome tears started burning my eyes before the dam burst and they poured out at a rate competing with the high pressure showerhead.  I couldn’t be more grateful that no one was home as I completely lost it; shoulders shaking, loud sobs wracking my body.  An ache in my middle so painful I could barely stand up.

My legs felt like jelly as I turned leaning against the back of the shower and slowly slid down until I was sitting on the floor, knees hugged up to my chest as I completely surrendered to the pain and sadness that was always lurking deep inside me and I knew always would.

Maybe I shouldn’t have come back; I hadn’t had a breakdown like this in a long time.  But to be honest, this felt like home, New York never did… the last time I felt at home, even if it was just for a short time was…

'Stop, just stop,' I told myself.  'Stop even  going there.'

But how could I?  How could I ever get past the only person I would ever love with all of my heart.  The one person I truly believed was made for me and me for him.  How could I ever heal knowing that he didn't want me.  That he didn't love me anymore.

I sat on the shower floor until I had no more tears to shed, my body was spent, I could no longer process the pain.  I was numb.

When I was able, I stood up on shaky legs, turned off the water and dried off.  It was only a little before 9:00pm, but I was done.  I could only hope that I would wake up tomorrow with a fresh outlook.  That sleep would build up my defenses and once again I could bury the feelings I didn't have the ability to face anymore.

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Benji

"A movie was a great idea baby, thank you," Ajax said, kissing me on the cheek once we were in the house.  It was quiet, Finn wasn't downstairs watching TV or anywhere I could see in the open concept first floor.  It was dark out and he didn't like to paint without at least some natural light coming in, so I was sure he wasn't down at the pool house painting, but it was still pretty early.  I hoped he had found something for dinner, the fridge was full, so I was sure he had figured it out.

"I think I'm going to go up to our room and get naked," I announced casually as I headed for the stairs.  "I was probably pretty naughty while you were away…you know…full disclosure."

"So you might need a little punishing is what you're trying to say?" he snickered.

"Just keeping it real Sir," I replied seductively.

"Come on you," Ajax mock growled, "upstairs with you."

On the way past the guestroom I thought I'd check on Finn.  So I knocked lightly on the door.  "Finn?  You awake buddy?"

"Benji, let him have his privacy pet," Ajax whispered.

"I know, I just want to make sure he's okay, that he ate dinner."  When I didn't get a reply I quietly opened his door.  He was crashed out on his bed sound asleep so I quickly re-closed the door.  "Poor guy probably worked until he couldn't hold a brush any longer."

"Come on, I want you naked and kneeling on the bed in 2 minutes."

"Yes Master…Master Boo."  I quickly hustled down the hallway in front of my lover who had slowed down to give me a chance to comply…or maybe not comply.  Heh…non-compliance is always so much more fun.  I would check on Finn in the morning and make sure he didn't work too hard.