(STOP! If you skipped the Introduction, please read this note.  This is a sequel to Breaking Finn, if you haven't read that yet, this book will make much more sense if you do.)

October 2, 2014

 Dear Nico,

If you were really getting this letter I'd ask you Why.  Why did you leave me when you said you never would?!  I'm so angry right now I don't even know how to express it, I feel like I could explode at any second.  You lied to me the whole time we were together when you said you'd be there for me.

I'm so fucked up right now I don't even know whether to rage or cry.  One minute I'm angry and the next minute a wave of sadness so heavy fills me that I can barely stand up.  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  This pain is worse than anything and I can't bear it.

I don't understand and no matter what people tell me, I know I never will because...they don't know what we had.  Everything they say sounds hollow.  I feel like they're all full of shit.  If you were here right now you would tell me to watch my language and I might even get punished, but you're not, and I feel so lost.  

 Cynthia, my therapist, wants me to let out my feelings? That's why she told me to keep a journal.  It seemed stupid to write Dear Diary when the only person I want to talk to is you.  And if Cynthia really knew what was going on in my head, she would think twice about trying to get me to let it out.  I feel like if I did, it would be like a dam breaking and everything would burst out and nothing would be left.  I'd be empty.  Even though everything inside me is dark right now, it's all I have.  It's all I have left of you and I can't seem to let it go.  I can't let you go, I just can't and I don't ever want to.  Nobody understands that.

Declan thinks I can forget the past and be the happy little painter he wants me to be, a son for Jaime.  He doesn't get it, for an artist, he's clueless.  Painting comes from inside, it comes from the heart and there's nothing left in my heart anymore.  It's like a barren dried up desert.

I fucking hate my life right now and I wish I was dead.  You're a fucking liar and sometimes I hate you so much.  I love you then I hate you then I love you then I hate you.  Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?  I can't sleep and I'm just...so tired.

This fucking sucks and I don't even know what happened.  All I know is that you gave up. You gave up on me.  Maybe it was all a lie?  Maybe I was just a plaything until you got bored of me.  Did I become too much trouble?

This is just fucking stupid; I don't see how it will help except make me even more angry.

 Finn

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October 7, 2014

Dear Nico,

I promised Cynthia I would try this again...I got really angry and punched a hole in the wall.  Declan and Jaime brought me to the emergency room, Declan was probably just worried my hand was broken, all he cares about is my painting, he doesn't care about me.  He called Cynthia and they told me if I kept this up I might have to be hospitalized.  Is this what you wanted?  Did you think you could just hand me off to Declan and everything would be okay?

I'm in New York now, yeah, you probably already know that, or maybe you don't?  You probably don't care anyway.  

Anyway, So like I said, I've been seeing this therapist for a few weeks now, Cynthia.  Declan and Jaime made me start seeing her.  I kind of didn't talk for a week or two.  I don't remember exactly how long, time is kind of a blur. It was just easier just to check out and not think.

Declan and Jaime wouldn't let me be alone, I think they thought I would try to hurt myself, well; they still don't really let me be alone.  When Declan got sick of it he brought me to see Cynthia.  I was kind of pissed at him for it, still am, but I guess it worked out because Cynthia's kind of cool.  She lets me talk about whatever and if I get angry and shout a lot she just lets me or if I cry, she doesn't make me feel embarrassed, she just hands me a box of tissues and waits patiently.

I started school a week and a half ago.  It was pretty late, but Declan talked to the principal, some guy he knows, and I guess they worked it out.  I have to make up some work, but they said I don't have to do it right away, probably as long as I go every day...and don't cause any trouble.   Most of the kids think I'm mute, but I pretty much tune out any comments.  I was always good at that in school.  Besides, no one there could ever hurt me as much as I've already been hurt and now I'm numb to anything.  That's the best way to be, and then no one can hurt you.

So, I'll start with how I feel...or how I felt.  When Declan picked me up at the hospital, I thought it was weird.  I didn't understand why it wasn't you or where you had been, but Ajax told me you were still kind of sick, so I believed him, of course I did, Finn the ever gullible dumbass, what a tool I was.  Declan took me to his place and Ajax came a little while later and they told me that you left.  I thought it was a bad joke at first, but when I watched their faces I realized it was true.  Declan said that after what happened you realized that our relationship was wrong and that you were hurting me, but that was so not true.  He said a lot of stuff that I didn't believe at first and Ajax just sat there and didn't say anything.  I didn't understand why he wasn't defending you so I got really mad and yelled at him and tried to hit him, well, I did hit him and it took the both of them to restrain me.  I left to go to the apartment and find you myself, I knew if I could just talk to you, everything would be fine.  I still think that Nico.

Ajax caught up and tried to stop me, but finally took me to show me himself.  Declan came too and when we got there most of your stuff was gone; your clothes, your laptop.  Declan said we should pack my stuff too, but I still didn't believe them so I made Ajax take me to the marina.  But Serenity was gone.  I tried to call you, but my calls didn't even go to your voicemail.  Declan said you probably blocked my phone, so I tried using his phone and it went straight to voicemail.  I left you a message.  You probably know that because I left like a hundred messages, whenever I could get my hands on a phone that wasn't mine.  Until finally I couldn't anymore.  You changed your number.  I think that's when I really knew you were gone.

Nico, I have so many questions and I just can't understand what happened.  Why did you just leave without talking to me?  You didn't even say goodbye.  Why couldn't you at least say goodbye.  I don't understand, I still don't understand.  You said you loved me, you said that you'd always take care of me?  

What did I do that was so wrong?  

If you just come back to me, I swear I'll do whatever you say.  Please just come back.

Finn

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October 12, 2014

Dear Nico,

I got really upset when I was writing the other night and then Jaime came into my room because he heard me crying.  He's been really great, but the only person I want to hold me right now is you.  I know I hurt Jaime's feelings when I don't let him hug or comfort me, but I just can't bear to feel anyone's touch right now, not even just a friend's, the only touch I want is yours.

I miss your strong arms that always made me feel safe.  And your smell...the smell of your cologne or that shampoo you liked.  I want to be on that small boat again, the one that took us to Serenity and the way you pulled me into your chest and held me when the water was choppy.  The first time you did that I felt safe for the first time in so long, I felt like things were going to be okay.

For a while I still didn't believe them, I thought you would come back, like I'd wake up one morning and you'd be there.  When you didn't, I got really mad.  I threw things, I punched things, I screamed.  It was like I wasn't even me.  Like I was possessed.  Then I got really sad, I still get really sad.  Well, I'm pretty much always sad.  Cynthia said I was going through the stages of grief.  Sometimes I tell her it's not true because I know you're coming back.  Then other times...I just don't want to believe it, but, I guess after over a month I'm kind of losing hope.  I think I've lost hope.

I tried talking to Ajax, trying to get him to tell me where you were, but he said he didn't know.  Benji came to see me every day before Ajax made him go back to California, but he knew even less because Ajax wouldn't tell him anything either.  Louisa and Rosita came to see me, but pretty much all we did was cry.  They didn't know what to say to me and I didn't know what to say to them.  That's pretty much when I stopped talking, stopped doing anything.  Jaime tried his best, so did Chris, but nothing helped, how could it?  Chris didn't know what to say, so he just sat with me, which was fine because I didn't want anyone to say anything.  A week later Declan had movers pack up his house and my stuff from the apartment and we drove to New York.  I didn't want to go at first in case you came back, but Declan kept saying you weren't coming back and then I just gave up and let them take me.

Moving to New York didn't change anything like Declan said it would. I still wasn't talking, but as long as I ate at least a little food, they left me alone for the most part.  They kept an eye on me, but they didn't make me talk.  After a week of that, Declan brought me to see Cynthia.  The first session I just sat in her office and didn't say anything.  She said that was okay and she sat there too.  Ha!  She was still getting paid.  I go twice a week, but Cynthia said that when things are better I'll only have to go once a week.  I don't believe anything's going to get better, but I didn't bother telling her that.  I could always just pretend.

I still haven't painted, and I can tell Declan is upset by that, but he'll have to get over it.  I won't say I'll never paint again, that would be melodramatic, but for right now I don't feel inspired.  Kind of weird for a kid going to a High School focused on the arts, but for now as long as I show up with a pulse, they're happy.

I guess that's all I have to say right now.

Finn

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October 15, 2014

Dear Nico,

So today I had a bad argument with Declan and then I cursed out Cynthia at therapy.  Well, she prefers to say that we worked through my feelings.  Declan was trying to get me to "accept" as he says, that our relationship wasn't right and that you were wrong for ever starting it.  I'm sorry; I can't and won't accept that.  I know that's what you think now, but you're wrong too.  You weren't lying were you when you said you loved me.  I could see it in your eyes, and I could never call that wrong.  

Between Declan and Cynthia I keep hearing how it's illegal and that you could go to jail.  Is that why you left?  Or did you say that because you just didn't want to be with me anymore?  Were you afraid?  We could have found a way Nico.

If it weren't for Jaime I would just leave, but I know it would hurt him too much and he's the only one besides Benji and Chris who've been there for me and not just tried to turn me against you.  Sometimes I wish I could have gone back to L.A. with Benji, but I would have just been in the way of him and Ajax.  I think what happened put a strain on their relationship too, Benji said they had lots of disagreements over the whole situation; Benji was really angry about you leaving me and said it pissed him off when Ajax kept defending you.  I think they're working through it though, Benji said they've agreed to disagree.

It's been a long day and I can't think anymore.  At least when I sleep I don't have to think, I wish I could just sleep away the rest of my life. 

Finn

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October 22, 2014

Dear Nico,

I got in a fight at school today.  Yeah, I know, 'that's not like you Finn'.  That's what Declan said when he came to pick me up and talk to the principal.  Some guy called me a depressed fag and I snapped.  I lunged at him and all the pain all the frustration of the past month came out in my fists.  He was a lot bigger than me so he got a few good punches in once he got over the shock that I was fighting back.  These two guys Jason and Tony pulled him off me and this guy Henry pulled me away, but some teachers had seen before they stopped us so I ended up in the principal's office anyway.  You wouldn't have been proud of me.  I know the look you would have given me, and even if that's all I could see, I would want it.

I got suspended for the rest of the week, which had no impact on me.  Jaime said it could have been worse, but they took into consideration what the guy said and that he had started it all.  The guys who helped me told Mr. Hilbert what happened and that he'd been picking on me for a while trying to start something.  I honestly hadn't really noticed that, but I've been living in kind of a fog.

Yeah, so Declan grounded me until school next Monday which is a laugh since I haven't left the apartment except to go to school or my therapist's office.  Declan doesn't know anything about punishments, does he Nico?

Finn 

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October 25, 2014

Dear Nico,

Today was pretty good because Benji called me and we got to talk for like an hour.  Usually when he calls I would just be all sad about you, but today I didn't want to do that so we talked about other stuff.  He told me about his classes and the kids he works with at the Boy's Club, I mostly just listened.  He's not happy that I haven't started painting again, but I told him I've been secretly sketching, I just didn't tell him what I was sketching.

 I have to keep my sketchbook hidden or Declan will get mad...they're all of you.  I keep trying to get one perfect, but something doesn't seem right and then I start all over.  I've drawn pictures of you laughing, being serious, sleeping, even that look right before you would kiss me.  I feel like if I don't do this you'll slowly fade from my mind and I never want to let that happen.  I don't know where the camera you gave me ended up and most of the pictures were downloaded on your laptop anyway, so I'm trying to recreate them all in sketches.

Cynthia wouldn't think this is progress, but I don't tell her either. I just tell her what I know she wants to hear.  Fake it 'til you can make it.

Do you look at the pictures of us anymore or did you erase them all?  The only pictures I have in my room are the ones you gave me of me and my Dad.  They remind me of you as much as they remind me of him.

Finn

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November 12, 2014

Dear Nico,

I don't know why, but I feel really anxious and panicky today.  I called Cynthia and she talked about free-floating anxiety and gave me some breathing techniques so I didn't have a full blown panic attack.

I think...it's starting to hit me that I may never see you again, never again.  I know that's what Declan has been drumming in my head all along, but for some reason today I woke up and I suddenly believed it.  It felt like I was hit with a wrecking ball.  Jaime let me stay home from school, he thinks I'm coming down with the flu or something, but it's not that kind of sickness.

When I think about it I get really short of breath and my heart starts to beat faster.  It's like I can't catch my breath.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

F

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November 22, 2014

Dear Nico,

I made a painting today.  It really sucks.  Well, it's just depressing as all hell.  It's grey and desolate and if I stare at it too long I feel like slitting my wrists.  Don't tell Declan I said that, he gets really mad at me when I joke that way.  He says it's not me, but how does he know?  I don't even know who I am anymore, how can he?

I wonder where you are and what you're doing.  Are you with someone?  Will you take on a new sub?  Will I be replaced?  I think if I saw you with someone else..again, it would just kill me.  I couldn't bear it.

I don't ever want to fall in love again.  Love never lasts and when it's gone it hurts too much.  It's not worth the pain.

That's all I feel like writing today.

Finn

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November 27, 2014

Dear Nico,

Happy Thanksgiving.  I don't know about you, but I don't feel very thankful today.  I wonder where you are and if you're even celebrating the day.  I know you're not with Ajax or his mother because Benji called me earlier and they are both in Miami with her and Louisa and Rosita.  Benji's going to come visit this weekend; he'll fly here while Ajax flies back to Los Angeles.  I don't think Ajax really likes to see me anymore.  Maybe he blames me for your leaving.  None of this would have happened if I didn't walk into that restaurant.  Do you regret that day?  Do you regret taking me home?

I don't dare look back at this journal; it's probably all the same.  Poor me, I hate my life, why, why, why.

How long will this hurt so much...

F

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December 6, 2014

Dear Nico,

I saw Benji last weekend.  He came on Friday and stayed until Tuesday.  Jaime let me take Monday off to have as much time with him as possible even though Declan didn't want him to.  Then he flew out early Tuesday morning.

I felt better than I have in a long time being with him.  Maybe it was because I felt the tiniest bit closer to you, even though that doesn't make sense.  Or maybe it was just good being with someone who understood.  We tried not to talk too much about you or Miami.  Instead Benji dragged me all over the city, but it was fun.  It was the first time I've really gone out without Jaime or Declan since we moved here.  They don't let me go out without them, not that I've really wanted to, but I think they're afraid I'll either run away (what's the point?) or do something reckless and get hurt (again, what's the point?).  One of them even drops me off at school and picks me up each day, like I'm in grade school.

So we did all the touristy things.  Benji was his typical hyper self too and I loved every second of it. We went to Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Museum of Natural History which was pretty awesome, well, until we almost got kicked out because Benji wanted to ride one of the dinosaur replicas.  Then he dragged me to Times Square and was a shopping maniac and then Union Square.  Luckily it hasn't been too cold this December because we did a lot of walking.  

On Monday we went into Brooklyn where most of the real artists live.  Benji and I agreed that Declan and Jaime's neighbourhood is too posh and if I stay in New York, Brooklyn's the place to be.  We found the gallery where Declan had his show and they had a bunch of sculptures by Elliott Ericksen, the sculptor I met back in the summer.  They were amazing and what's even more amazing is that he's blind. I hadn't realized that until I had gone up to his studio 2 days after Declan's opening.  His work is all about textures and movement and organic shapes.  He came into the gallery when Benji and I were there and I introduced myself again.  He remembered me and invited us up to his studio, I was excited to see it again and to show it to Benji.  

His boyfriend David showed up and Benji nearly pissed himself because he's a famous model.  He made me take like 10 pictures of him standing with both of them because he said even though David's the model; Elliott is just as much if not even better looking. (He only said that to me though). He was going to take the pictures back to make Ajax jealous I think.  I bet he has a sore ass by the time Ajax is done with him!

So yeah, it was the best weekend I've had in a long time.  Benji invited me to come to L.A. for Christmas, but Declan said it wasn't a good idea.  It was my first Christmas with them and Jaime would be heartbroken if I wasn't there, but Benji promised to come back to New York for Spring break so that made me feel better.

Wow...this has probably been my least miserable entry yet!  Maybe that's a good sign.

Finn

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December 19, 2014

Dear Nico,

School's out for Christmas and Declan's going to drag me to all these art galleries.  Ugh!  I think he's trying to get me excited about painting again. The only good thing is that we're having dinner with Elliott and David tonight.  They're really awesome.

I could care less about Christmas, I'm definitely not in the holiday spirit, but I still feel like I have to get some presents.  Jaime's taking me shopping tomorrow so I can get something for Declan and Chris.  I'll also try to find something for Jaime when he's not looking.  I already mailed off some presents to Benji, Rosita and Louisa that I got when Benji was here.  Benji didn't even notice when I bought his present.  We were at a vintage shop and I saw a jacket he would love.  While he was busy flirting with some college guys I paid for it and had the shop owner package it up.  I snuck it in the bag with the other presents before he even had a clue.

Other than the bit of shopping I would be perfectly happy if I went to sleep and woke up a few days after the 25th.  Christmas hasn't been a holiday I enjoyed since I lost my Dad.  I thought this year would be different, but of course I was wrong.

Well, I have to shower and figure out something decent to wear for our dinner tonight.  At least Elliott's blind so he won't care what I'm wearing.  Okay, that wasn't nice, but I don't have you or Benji to pick out my clothes.  I guess I'll go ask Jaime because I certainly won't ask Declan.

Finn

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December 31, 2014

 Dear Nico,

I've made a decision.  Tonight we say goodbye to 2014 and a fresh new year begins.  Nico, I'm going to say goodbye to you too.  Everyone's been telling me to do it, even Benji.  Benji's the one person out of everyone in my life right now who knows the most.  He knows everything that happened between us and if he says you're not coming back to me, I believe him.  He would never lie to me.  

Nico, you have to know that no matter what happens, you'll always be a part of me.  I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for you.  I wouldn't be where I am, who knows what would have happened if you didn't pull me off the street in L.A. all those months ago.  I can't believe, it was only seven months ago, it feels like a lifetime.

I can't believe that we were only together for less than 3 months.  It was an amazing three months, but so short time in the span of a lifetime.  You taught me so much; you gave me confidence to be me and to continue with art.  You loved me and took care of me in a way I hadn't felt in so many years.  

I have to be honest, I still get really sad about you leaving and I even get really angry too.  I don't know if you walked into this room right now if I'd jump up into your arms and kiss you all over, or if I'd want to punch your face...or if I even want you to walk into this room.  I know, I can't believe it either.  I guess I'm just so tired of the sadness, anger, pain and loneliness and I want something different for the New Year.

I've told Jaime that I'm going to make an effort in 2015 to make friends, to paint and draw again and to actually live again.  I made him a promise which I intend to keep and I'm not sure if I can do that if I still carry around the weight of my feelings for you.  Nico, some part of me deep down will always love you, but now I have to start moving on.  I hope you are too.

Love and Goodbye,

Finn

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Dedicated to @VonLetterman who have me a better understanding of what Finn was feeling after the breakup through his own experience, eloquently documented in 'My Cherished Diary'.