CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

[Birds]

HARRY

Harry hated floo travel. Growing up with muggles he simply never got comfortable with it. It was messy, left him disoriented, and left an uneasy stomach. Nevertheless, it was the only option to get into Remus's home. He hadn't been yet keyed to the apparition wards and the older man wasn't the best on a broom.

"I've been meaning too, just-"

"Work?"

Remus sighed and gave him a smile.

The house wasn't anything dramatic which was to be expected. Anything else would have been out of character. It stood on a slight rise just on the edge of a small village and looked over a broad spread of West Country farmland. It wasn't by remarkable by any means - it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please. The living room was a jungle of bookcases overflowing with old fraying books, both muggle and magical alike. Papers and letters seemingly addressed to no one were piled up to the letterbox and cascaded all the way to the foot of the rough wooden stairs, old teacups laid on a coffee table looking on its last leg, and light streaming through the gaps in the cheap burgundy curtains. A part of Harry ticked to pick up a vacuum and start cleaning.

"Do you want some tea?"

"That would be great, thank you."

Remus nodded and busied himself in the small kitchen that connected to the sitting room. Harry watched awkwardly and sat down on one of the patched armchairs right to the fireplace. It was odd. He never had imagined in the days contemplating whether or not he should come what Remus' home looked like. He just assumed the man still lived in Grimmland place, though now that he thought about it, it was quite a stupid idea. The place had to hold more bad memories for him than it did Harry.

The clattering of a saucer being sat down in front of him startled him out of his thoughts. Remus was sitting on the chair across from him and was saying something.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too." He picked up the cup to avoid meeting his eye. Harry was doing this for Sirius's sake.

"How's school?"

"It's.... harder." He replies. They were only half a month into school and Harry could already feel the drain his N.E.W.T. classes were having on him. He was just glad he didn't have to take potions this year. (Yes, he would never become an auror now but what was the point when he was destined to die so soon after school anyway?) Hermione said Professor Slughorn was particularly ambitious on 'collecting' students for his slugclub, something he couldn't be less interested in. He voiced the thoughts to the man who agreed with him.

"He taught when we were in school. He treated teaching as his own little networking game. Lily was his favorite by far. Fussed over her amazing work in class all the time. He tried collecting Sirius too but he burned the invitation to ashes after class where he knew the old bugger could see him."

A wistful smile tugged at Harry's lips as it always did when his godfather's misdeeds during school were told. It would have been hilarious to watch.

"Anything else interesting to tell?"

Harry's mind automatically flew to Draco. They had snuck out a few more times since the night at the lake and he was finding himself to become increasingly addicted to the blonde's presence. He was smart, witty, and surprisingly mischievous after Harry had finally cracked his goody-two-shoes shell. Their midnight visits had quickly had become a highlight of his er- well, night.

There was also the issue of the curse. It had spread up to his sternum a couple days ago after Hermione had wrongfully thought she had finally found a counter-curse. Harry doesn't think he had ever thrown up so much afterward, not even when his uncle had forced him to eat year -expired soup.

In the end, Harry shook his head. "Nope, not much. You?"

"Just missions for the Order. I haven't been home very much so please excuse the mess. I only just got home last night actually."

"Really? What was it?"

"To kill that bitch Bellatrix Lestrange of course."

Harry spits out his tea. "What?"

"She's You-Know-Who's right-hand servant, but she's also a Black and she's very proud of that. She's been trying to claim Sirius' fortune for her own through various solicitors since she can't very much go in herself being an Azkaban escapee. Dumbledore thinks if we can track one of them down we might be able to locate her. With her gone, it would be a devastating blow."

Harry lets the information mull over in his head. A part of him was frustrated at his words. Remus had chastised him for going after the woman and was now doing it himself?

"Doesn't that create a conflict-of-interest?"

"Sometimes war needs conflicts-of-interest." He says looking down into his cup of tea. The lines in his face were pulled tight as it looked like he was in deep thought about something. "It allows people to fight more passionately."

"Dumbledore told you that, did he? Well, it's rubbish." Harry can hear the traces of Draco in his voice. They had spent a lot of time talking about the headmaster and only now it became clear hearing the words come out of Remus's mouth how much the Slytherin might actually be right about things. "Dumbledore doesn't know the value of people so don't let him tell him where your emotions should go. War is important but there is no point in destroying yourself when it can be avoided. You can't chase after Bellatrix just like you told me I couldn't."

Remus looks up surprised to hear Harry speak badly of his headmaster. "I want to fight."

"Do you? Or do you just want revenge?"

"You don't understand." Remus looked stricken.

"Oh, I don't? Tell me then. I clearly don't know a thing about losing people."

"Harry-"

"Go on."

Remus sets his cup back on the table at Harry's frightening glare. He twiddles with the loose strings on the end of his jumper sleeve as he tries to not to meet it. He gulped rather timidly which Harry found strangely timid on a thirty-year-old man. "He didn't want you to know."

"Know what?"

Remus looked as if he would rather be anywhere else than where he was. Harry knew the man wasn't one to confront hard subjects as he learned from third year. "He was very special to me." He finally says, cutting into the thick silence. "I cared for him."

"So did I!"

Silence. Remus shakes his head just barely with a disconsolate smile.

It takes a second but it clicks. Oh. Oh.

Harry instantly deflates in shock. His brain stutters for a moment and his eyes take in more light than he expected, every part of him goes on pause while his thoughts catch up. He genuinely doesn't know what to say.

The moment Harry realized he'd misinterpreted his actions, his words, his expressions for so many years... as if he'd been speaking a language he couldn't understand, it felt like the picture in the puzzle he'd been solving for years suddenly switched.

"Harry?"

"I...did he know? Sirius?"

Remus takes in a deep breath. "Yes. He knew."

"And?"

"Out of some slim chance, he reciprocated."

Adrenaline floods his system. It pumps and beats like it's trying to escape. He didn't know why, there was no immediate danger but his heart told him otherwise. Perhaps it was because it edged so close to something that Harry himself had been trying to keep pushed down for years. His own sexuality was something he no longer wanted to think about, and now Sirius in the mix... It brought up so many things he didn't want to think about. He was terrified of someone finding out, especially Sirius, and everything had been suddenly flipped. He couldn't handle it.

Harry let out a slow controlled breath at the slight tremors that started to take control of his hands.  "You're gay?" His voice is more shakey than he would have liked. His throat felt as if someone had a hand wrapped around his neck. The panic that surged through him at the thought was astronomical.

A panic attack. That's what Draco had called them. 'Regulate your breathing,' he would have said.  Harry could have laughed. It dreadful catch-22. He couldn't breathe because he was panicking about not being able to breathe. Choking was his uncle's favorite and Harry's fear by default. 

Suddenly the man was there, his grubby hands reaching out. They clasp over his mouth; an equally ghostly hypodermic of adrenaline pierces his heart, unloading in an instant. He feels his ribs heaving as if bound by ropes, straining to inflate his lungs. His head is a carousel of fears and 'icantbreathes' spinning out of control, each one pushing his mind into a paralyzing frenzy. Harry wants to run; he needs to freeze. He hears Remus call out for him but it feels far away like he's no longer in his body that sits frozen in the stuffy armchair.

A hand, a real hand, touches his wrist and Harry flinches back wildly. He doesn't remember how but his body was suddenly bunched up tightly and his arms wrapped around his head. Flashes came to him - Remus' shocked expression, a bottle being pushed to his lips, whispered assurances - but they hardly register.

He doesn't know how long he sits there with his eyes squeezed closed, trying to shut the image of his uncle out of his mind. The senses slowly come back to him. When he's finally aware of what's happening his face is stuffed into the crook of Remus's neck where the smell of old parchment and smoke fill his nose. There's a gentle hand on his back rubbing soothing circles in a way that reminded him the way he used to jealousy watch parents calm their children down crying on the streets. The thought pricks his sore eyes.

Finally, Harry pushes himself away and lets his head fall pathetically into his hands.

"I'm sorry," he says, barely a whisper. Remus probably wouldn't have caught it if his hearing wasn't heightened.

"What for?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Remus shakes his head. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have told you. Sirius didn't want to tell you cause he feared how you would react. He knew the muggles you grew up with weren't likely to be particularly fond of that kind of thing and he didn't know whether you took on the same ideas or not."

"No no, it's not that," Harry wipes his nose with his shirt sleeve. "I'm fine with it. Really. Just took me by surprise is all."

Remus raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure? That's it, just a surprise?" The face he gives Harry if full of doubt. He shrugs in return "I know we aren't very close but I'm here if you want to talk. I won't push anything."

Harry nods as quietly he munches on a biscuit. Sirius was gay. Remus was gay. Remus loved Sirius and not just the way Harry had. They were partners. They were...

"How long?" Harry asked, a little unsure.

"That's a complicated question. I think both of us knew when we were sixteen but never did anything serious. I think we were both too scared to act upon it. There were a couple of times I thought... Sirius hated himself for it for a long time. Even if he hated his family some ideas they had imprinted on him. It took a long time to work him out of it. After he went to Azkaban I thought I had moved on, but obviously, that was wrong because when he showed up again we..."

Harry thinks back to all the times Remus had stopped everything at the hint of Sirius' name in his third year. The way Sirius sat so close to him during Order meetings and the looks they shared when they thought no one was looking. Merlin, how could he have been so blind?

Unwelcome thoughts of Cedric come in his mind. Harry didn't know much about his own sexuality but ever since the night at the graveyard he didn't like to think about it. It was just something else he was buried deep inside him long ago. Not because of some internalized homophobia, but because of some crazy physiological fear of attachment. And besides no matter what, announcing who you are to the world was terrifying, because what if the world doesn't like you back?

"I didn't know."

"It was secret for a reason. Don't blame yourself for not figuring it out."

"I just. . ."

Remus smiles sadly at him, something he seemed to like to do a lot. "He would be glad to hear you approved. He really did love you and he never wanted that to go away. He was too afraid of what you would say. He couldn't risk it."

Harry's expression formed one of a tight grimace and his hands spread like pale starfish around the cup, and they are cold too, resisting the warmth that struggles to seep into them. A low hum of a headache starts to echo throughout his head from his panic attack. Perhaps it was the tired ache in his bones that affected his next words.

"You still shouldn't go after Bellatrix. It's not healthy. You said I didn't understand, well I do. I wish I didn't, but I do."

Remus stared at him not quite getting what he was saying.

It's Harry's turn to draw a deep breath. The words leave his mouth almost in slow motion. "Cedric. The boy I brought back with me after the third task." He didn't look up to see Remus' reaction. He soldiered on. If he didn't spit the words out now he doesn't think he would have the strength to do it again for a couple decades. "I wanted to curse that rat's body until it was unrecognizable. But I didn't, you know why? The best revenge is living well. Nothing has infuriated Voldemort more. Let someone else do the task, Remus. You aren't going to gain anything from it. Trust me."

"I-"

"I'm gay, Remus."

Harry had never said the words out loud before. Nor had he ever talked to anyone about Cedric other than Ron and Hermione either. It felt strange and he didn't know whether he enjoyed the weighted that crumbled off his shoulders with it.

"Cedric Diggory?"

Harry swallows. "Yes."

There's a silence Harry can't decipher. Harry stares transfixed at his hands as if they're the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. Suddenly there was an arm around his shoulders that pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm.

"Its okay, Harry. I don't care. Neither would Sirius. Or your parents. They love you."

Harry clings to him.

~~~

All of these birds, all of these birds in my head

Swarming around

Pecking, keep me up and I can't come down

~~~

ok so I have no idea if this flopped or not but I wrote it all in one day which is kinda impressive for me since I'm a slow as fuck writer.  I'm not kidding I'm so slow. anyways I kinda planned for this chapter to go way differently but I'm not a person of very strong restraint so have some angst. hope it doesn't suck. I'll read over tomorrow morning and decide then. 

Edit: i read over it and it SUCKED thanks for telling me :)

Words: 2481

Published: 7/2/20