CHAPTER FORTY

[Train wreck]

HARRY

"-and don't forget! Sign up sheets for apparition classes are due before Christmas break! Twelve galleons to sign up- and no Mr. Finigin your paperwork cannot be handed in late as it's a Ministry taught course. All paperwork should be handed in to your head of house if you are to join. Remember, you must be of age."

Harry frowns as the class bursts in chatter when the transfiguration professor dismissed the class. Apparition courses were apparently the talk of the sixth years recently and Harry felt as if he was the only one who couldn't join in on the fun. His birthday made him fall short from the rest of the students in his year. Looking around the class he could only find one other person who wasn't joining in.

Draco sat stoic-faced on the opposite side of the classroom. He was surrounded by the other Slytherins who mostly ignored his existence other than Parkinson and Zabini. The blonde seemed lost in thought as he nervously played with his lip. One of them had to tap him on the shoulder for him to realize it was time to leave.

Harry hadn't been aware of how often he really watched Draco until after his confession. He had said he was okay with it but that didn't set Harry at much ease. It was obvious it unsettled him. Draco didn't come from a very tolerant family or surroundings. Sure, he'd rejected the blood-status ideology but homosexuality was... different. It wasn't just a wizard thing. If it took his godfather some time, then Draco was sure to take a century.

He tried to give Draco the time he deserved to process it, yet it still hurt when Draco avoided his gaze in the hallways. The truth was that Harry had realized something that night.

"So, any blokes then?"

"What?"

"You know, fancy any blokes?"

Harry studies Draco very carefully. His brain takes a moment to think it over, something he shouldn't have to do, but- "I... don't know," he says softly. "I know I did. Once."

He watches as the hair falls into Draco's eyes and feels when his arm brushes up against his. There's something some familiar, so right, about it that makes Harry's stomach do flips. And he realizes at that moment that this - whatever it was - wasn't what a bloke felt with a friend.

While Harry was beginning to gravitate towards the blonde, it seemed the other was drifting away. It was like sand seeping through his fingers. But this time, it was all his fault.

Harry pressed the balls of his palms into his eyes. He was so royally screwed he didn't even know where to begin. There wasn't any way this entire thing wasn't doomed to go up in flames. The thought that he finally found something and he ruined it again... He almost felt sick to his stomach.

Draco would deny it but he wasn't going to ever look at Harry the same way. Sure, he'd allowed him to talk about Cedric (which was another whole wave of guilt) but that easily could have just been to set Harry at ease. It wasn't going to be the same. And Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy name, being gay as well? Laughable. Harry wasn't near that lucky.

The more you care, the more you had to lose. He should have learned his lesson.

Ron and Hermione certainly noticed his current distraction. He was zoning out constantly, turning in assignments half-done, and glazing seemingly at nothing. They thought he was depressed - he wasn't - and tried to hold multiple interventions but each time he'd shrug them off. Ginny and Ron tried to 'cheer him up' with the upcoming game against Hufflepuff, but Harry however had never been less interested in Quidditch. He was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy.

He watched over his shoulder, being steered away by Hermione, and watched as Draco began to pack his bag. The way his shoulders always held high, how his jumper was perfectly pressed, how he said every word so articulately. It was all so Draco. He had to have noticed these things a thousand times but this time it was different. This time he wanted to memorize every detail.

If you took Draco's genetic code and you add his life experiences and the relationships he has with people, and then you take the size and shape of his body, you do not get him. There is something else entirely. There is a part of him that is greater than his knowable parts.1

Under his skin was a boy just as scared and confused as Harry was.

"Come on, Harry. Time for lunch."

Harry wished Hermione would stop treating him as if he was five (well no- he would be treated a lot worse actually but he wasn't going to start thinking about that now). He knew it was her way of showing she cared but sometimes it was smothering. He'd been taking care of himself his whole life perfectly fine after all.

"I'm not that hungry honestly. I think I'm just going to take a lie down."

Ron shuffles his feet next to him. "Come on, mate. You didn't eat breakfast or dinner. You have to be starving."

"I'm just tired," Harry shrugged, not exactly lying. If he did finally fall asleep after being plagued with thoughts about the blonde, it was only to wake up in a sweat from nightmares ranging to Cedric's murder or seeping into the Dark Lord's mind and witnessing even more horrors. The Cedric one had mostly faded away in the past year. It was no doubt his realization for his feeling towards Draco caused the guilt to resurface. And besides, Harry just doesn't know if he can handle Draco's avoidance of him across the Great Hall.

"Really, I'm fine. I'll get Dobby to bring me something later. I promise."

Hermione clenched his books closer to her chest and looked over Harry worriedly. He wished he could ease her worry some way because it was true. He was fine. A stupid, hopeless crush, definitely wasn't the worst thing he'd gone through.

"Maybe if you actually slept other than running off-"

"Ron," Harry hissed. It was hard enough trying to manage Ron's suspicions. If Hermione caught on he'd be found out in a second.

"What? I understand you need some time mate but you need to get some rest sometime."

Hermione's eyes furrowed. "What do you mean, 'running off?'"

Harry glowered at Ron. "It means nothing. Lay off it. I'm allowed to have a life of my own, alright?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be taking care of yourself. Look, Harry. If this is about Snuffles you can talk to us. You haven't been the same since break started and- well we really just want you to be happy. I know I haven't got a clue what it's like but I can a least try. Please let up help you."

Harry huffed moodily. He really didn't have the mental capacity to deal with this right now. "I said lay off it, 'mione. I'm fine. I'm not depressed or anxious or whatever in Merlin's name you think I am."

"It's alright if you are-"

"I'm not."

The three of them fell into a heavy silence. No one around them seemed to have noticed Harry's outburst. They split up in the entrance hall so Harry could run off to the dormitory and shove his face into the closet pillow.

The dormitories silence was almost unsettling with the way he was so used to Ron's snoring and Dean and Seamus soft bickering. Nonetheless, Harry savored it as I way to finally sort through his head.

Was Draco always so witty?

It was all the tiny things that got to Harry. He hated how it took so long for him to notice because the feelings certainly aren't brand new. Harry had just woken up to them. It's strange – frightening even – how you can go from someone being a supposed enemy to then being completely infatuated by them and wondering how it ever was that you were able to live without them because Harry sure as hell couldn't imagine being without him now. Sure, he might have been acting a little dramatic seeing as he was only sixteen, though Harry had been enough of his fair share to know what it felt like.

Most of all, Harry felt stupid and pathetic for allowing himself to fall into another trap.

Eventually Harry's exhaustion took over and he started drifting off. That is until soft pecking at his window woke him up from his nap minutes later. Harry's eyes snapped open with an irritated groan. He threw himself off the bed ready to strangle Hedwig-

But it wasn't her. Instead, it was an owl Harry had never seen before. At first he thought it must have been one of his dorm mate's but it was holding a thick letter with Harry's name written on it with a familiar scrawl.

Harry raised an eyebrow at the tawny owl who squawked back indignantly. He didn't know why the owl had come here instead of waiting for the owl post in the morning. Whatever Remus had written to him about must have been important

He looked down at the letter carefully. They had been talking semi-frequently since the accidental coming out thing (and again, he's reminded of Draco...) seeing as Remus was constantly interrupted with various missions. Remus had been true to his promise not to have told Dumbledore of what went down at the Dursleys and for that he was thankful. Harry was still hesitant around him because of years of threats from the Durselys if anyone ever found out. Now that an adult actually knew and cared... well it was a rather new feeling.

Harry shoved the letter in his robe pocket to be dealt with at a later date. He couldn't be bothered to deal with it now. Whatever it was could be handled that night when he wasn't so bleeding tired.

He handed the owl a couple treats before throwing himself back on his bed. Once again, Harry was left wide awake staring up at the ceiling.

Blonde Hair.

Gray eyes.

~~~

DRACO

"You blubbering load of bullshit! You didn't win shit! You cheated!"

Pansy laughed, laying in the grass next to them. "Someone is a sore loser."

Draco smirked and held out his hand. "Cough it up, Zabini."

"No way!" The dark-skinned wizard exclaimed. "I saw you cheat! You were using your wand. I saw it!"

Draco looked over his shoulder to where Pansy was smirking with him. The three of them were out by the lake under one of the great pine trees despite the chilling December weather. Blaise had decided, in his constant need to prove himself better than everyone else, that he needed to bet on who can skip a rock the farthest before the squid splashed them. Draco had accepted of course, growing talent in the ability from the hours spent throwing rocks in the pond behind Malfoy Manor. Blaise was now five sickles in debt to him and soaked to the bone.

"No," teased Pansy, "It didn't look like he was."

Blaise glared at both of them. Draco threw back his head in a laugh not being to help compare him to a wet puppy. He would have to remember to thank the squid the next time he passed by the common room's windows.

Blaise flicked his wand, causing his clothes and hair to dry instantly. In a huff he propped himself up against the tree and pulled out another one of his jumpers.

"Oh no," Draco said, "I think I hurt his ego."

He relishes every second of the sweet moment as a slow smile creeps across his face. It makes him forget that there was a war going on outside the castle's boundaries. The last time he'd smiled carelessly with his friends was when he was before the weight of his family and the war had been placed on his shoulders. It made him realize while the war had poisoned his mind against them, there was still apart of the two that he had so many positive memories with. They were the same kids that he'd stayed up finishing homework and learned to ride a broomstick with. He had to remember that.

It reminded him of what Harry had told him one day. "We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on." Thinking about it and looking up at his friends who were playfully mocking each other, free of the weight of the world outside, it gave him hope that his friends might turn out okay.

"So you're just going to let me freeze out here? You're the worst gentleman I've ever laid my eyes on."

Blaise scoffed. "Oh please. You were just all too happy about me becoming a popsicle for all the squid to feast on just a moment ago."

"Yes, well you men are the ones complaining about chivalry being dead and all. How else will I find my self a fair husband who will mysteriously fall ill and leave me his entire fortune?"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "You'll have an affair with his previous wife?"

Pansy tilted her head in consideration. "Touche"

The three feasted on Pansy's chocolates as they started to work on their schoolwork. The cold nipped at Draco's skin and turning it red in some areas. It wouldn't be long until it would start snowing.

He didn't even notice when his mind drifted away and started thinking about Harry being there with him to warm him up. Hot chocolate and the dozens of blankets mixed into Harry's body warmth was an equation for many nights Draco was becoming used to.

He quickly shook the thoughts away. Now that he knew Harry's... preference, his mind was high on temptation. He couldn't help but think that he had a chance.

He hated it. Temptation was a weakness Draco despised. Take too much, you ruin yourself. Take too little, you'll never get anywhere. It was a gray line he didn't know how to walk.

Harry meant too much to him now for him to mess it up. He just couldn't risk it. He'd rather ignore his feelings forever than to lose him. So once again, his feelings would just have to be shoved down to the bottom of the barrel. And if they exploded, well, Draco would just have to be the collateral damage.

"Are you alright?" A voice startles Draco out of his thoughts. Pansy and Blaise had ditched their potion's homework to stare at Draco with apprehension. He swallowed the piece of dark chocolate he realized he'd stopped mid-chew on.

"Obviously," he responds, "unless you want to go all Hufflepuff on me."

Blaise shakes his head slightly at Draco's attitude. Pansy's a little bit more offended at his attempt to brush it off. She glares at him and snatches the bag of chocolates away from him despite his protest.

"When the bloody hell are you going to confide in us for once?"

Pansy might as well as grown another head with the way Draco stares at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean stop acting like you're better than everyone else. We're your friends, Draco. Not like you act it anyways," She glares. "You're supposed to let us in yet you persistently keep acting like nothing wrong."

Draco doesn't like how the mood shifted so fast and especially now that it was against him. He doesn't even know what he did. He glances at Blasie for help but he's pointedly avoiding eye contact with him. He automatically defensive by the way he feels cornered.

"What the hell are you on?" He finally says.

"She's right, Draco," Blaise says quietly. Draco stares at him with shock.

"Of course I am," Pansy huffed, holding her arms over her chest. "I'm sick of ignoring the Hippogriff in the room. You're obviously not telling us everything. Don't you get it? Friends are supposed to do that kind of thing."

Draco subconsciously held his forearm closer to his chest. He was confused more than he was shocked, really. This was entirely out-of-character of either of the Slytherins. They didn't talk about their feelings, or friendship, for Salazar's sake. It was a taboo.

"Why do you care?" He responds with indignation.

Pansy groans and throws her hands in the air. "Do I really have to spell it out for you? Are you that bloody dense?"

"Apparently, you do. Sorry that I'm not on whatever high-horse you're on right now, 'cause you're not making very much sense."

"Merlin, Draco." She exclaims. "Just because we don't say it doesn't mean we don't care. Sure, we want to keep appearances up but I thought it was common knowledge that you didn't have to do that around us constantly. Apparently not. You don't trust us enough to do that. Honestly, it hurts. You clearly don't care about us as much as we do you."

Draco stares her, careful not to let whatever was bubbling inside him seep through. They've never cared up until this point. They had no right to care now. No one has never made sure he was okay in his social-ranking gold digger crowd. But silly him for not knowing they didn't mean it.

"You've never cared before."

"I- uhg! Blaise, talk some sense into him please."

Blaise finally looks at him and Draco gives him the same glare. "Don't you dare lecture me. You are not the victim here."

Blaise holds his hands up in defense. "Look, neither are we. She just wants to make sure you're okay. You aren't exactly..."

"Confrontational?"

"- easy-going," he finishes. "You're riddled with anxiety, Draco. You're a perfectionist. You think you have to put up a front all the time. You don't like people pointing out your flaws, or rather simple sentiments, so you ignore them completely. You think emotions are weaknesses. You stuff them up and frankly, I'm surprised you haven't combusted already."

Draco's always been bad at defense. He lashes out in fits of anger instead to protect himself. Blaise had always been too good reading people and did not like that. It makes him swell up, ready to explode to protect himself. "Yeah, you're so much better than me, aren't you? I'm just a little fuck-up, that's it?"

Blaise pinches the bridge of his nose. "No one said that. You're getting defensive for no reason. All Pansy asked was if you're okay."

"Only after making me seem like some nincompoop-"

"No one said that that either. She's just concerned."

Pansy makes an indignant 'hmph!' that causes him to glare at her.

Blaise sighs. "What we're trying to say, is that you obviously are troubled but too proud to say it. You're unhappy. Trapped. Fine, we get it. We're in war after all. But she's not to blame for trying to help. She cares, even if she's too proud herself to say it."

This time Pansy glares at Blaise for making her seem like some sort of pygmy.

Draco's fist clench as he stares the two of them down. Blaise was right. Maybe he was too proud, but he wasn't going to be some damned fool thinking everything was the same as when they were younger. Things had changed as did they.

"I'm fine," Draco finally ground out. "If you really care."

"No, you aren't." Pansy snaps.

"Well, then that's for me to deal with, not you."

"You're not understanding anything!" She groans.

Blaise shakes his head and looks back down at his homework. 

~~~

Find hope in the hopeless

Pull me out of the train wreck

Unburn the ashes

Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet

~~~

1ok I should let you know this quote isn't mine lol. some of you may have recognized it. It's from Looking for Alaska by John Green but I just changed it up a little bit. I had an impule to put it in and I couldn't control it. It's one of my favorite quotes of all time and it shows falling in love in such an untouchable way that beautiful. 

Also, sorry this is sorta a filter?? I PROMISE a kiss is coming very soon... I just can't say when yet. 

Oh and a Draco Malfoy edit is above by one of my favorite editors to the song of the chapter!

Words: 3300

Published: 9/27/20