I could have cancelled the date to lie down in a quiet, breathable place and pluck the disturbing thoughts that pullulated like weeds in my mind, but the source of them was in my quiet, breathable place, Pavitra in my room. She had a chance of having her room at her in-laws' place and she lost it by the widest margin ever. Cheating. I couldn't believe that I was living with a cheat all this while, the cheat who swindled families of their happiness. Three families. And Lila. Especially, Lila. The silly giggles and the overly beautiful outlook on life which was concealing the ugliness of the world around her. Ugliness caused by my sister.

It was when my eyes connected to a random passerby who shot a bizarre look at the phone which I was anxiously tapping against the palm of my hand, it was then that I realized this date was an awful plan. I was standing by the bus stop, opposite to which was the restaurant where I would meet Aastha. I remembered how she was looking forward to meeting me and I wondered for a fleeting second whether she would be impressed. The answer was a big, fat NO. I could barely think about anything other than my sister cheating with a married man twice her age and how Lila had looked pitiful that day at Marine Drive because of all that. Seriously, with all the men that existed in this world, it had to be Lila's father?

If my parents got to know about this . . . No, no. I had to make sure that Pavitra wouldn't tell them out of spite. Her husband's family was tied to some secret honour code which prevented them from exposing the affair, but I couldn't trust them entirely. I had to make sure that they wouldn't tell my parents out of spite. Nobody should underestimate the rage of a victim.

I received another bizarre look from a passerby for pacing up and down the bus stop like a possessed woman who chanted strange words to herself. After fighting with Pavitra, I hadn't come straight to this place, I had marched through every empty street while racking my brains to find a solution out of this. The solutions were from time travelling and smacking the past Pavitra to deluding myself that none of this was true, it couldn't be, it was one of Pavitra's tricks for passing time. I had marched past the little lanterns that dubiously flickered in the windows and smudged rangolis of the previous day since Diwali was over. I had arrived here fifteen minutes late when a lone firecracker burst lamely in the black sky, but Aastha still wasn't here.

It was close to forty-five minutes of waiting here and despite my multiple texts, she hadn't replied. Even if she chickened out, I didn't care any more. I was content to be somewhere else other than my home.

"Tulsi?" I heard an unfamiliar voice behind me and I turned around in a daze, but before I could respond, I was pulled behind the bus stop. That was how moments of terror went, all happened so fast and without a warning that one didn't have the means to defend oneself. It was the shock that I couldn't shake off, no matter how hard I tried to make sense of who was in front of me, I couldn't make the logical decision of running away. In the darkness, I could barely see how they looked, two figures larger than me and they were speaking something to me that I found hard to understand in that moment of confusion. Suddenly, one clasped my arm and the other aimed at my stomach, so adept. My breathing was knocked out of me in one, single blow and tears leaked out of my eyes. I heard and felt him on my face, spitting out in Hinglish, "Fucking lesbo! Stay the fuck away from my sister or I'll do worse than this!"

Those words rang in my ears even hours after they had been said, they clung to me annoyingly like a catchy song, repeating itself in my mind over and over again. I was about to crouch over from the impact of his knee-kick, but he kept me standing by gripping my arms with a tightness that clawed at my skin. A sudden beam of white light flashed at me and it came from the phone of the other guy lurking in the shadows. I realized that he was recording me, but I couldn't hide my face, my hands were so utterly useless. I turned my face away. Stupid, stupid, stupid. For a scary second, I thought that I would be killed here behind this bus stop and a weak whimper escaped my lips.

"See, what I can do to you? You will listen to me now and stay the fuck away," he whispered in my ear and shoved me, causing my back to hit against the metal surface behind. "Chakki. Saali."

The bus stop rattled from the impact of my body thrown against it and through the tears that blurred my vision, I saw the boys scurrying away and an elderly man with a little girl peered into my face, asking repeatedly if I was okay. The ordeal was over, yet I was more scared than relieved and pushing through them, I called an empty rickshaw that was luckily passing by. The rickshaw stopped and I climbed in clumsily, hugging my stomach with all my strength to prevent it from hurting. The rickshaw driver gazed curiously at me since I couldn't say the address with the tears burning in my eyes and the throbbing of my heart blasting in my ears. My heart felt like it was going to explode and although I had survived through that, I was sure of an impending heart attack.

No, no, no. I had to pull the sinking fragments of my sanity together till I reached home. I couldn't let anyone know. I shouldn't. That would truly be the end of me.

"Shivaji Chowk," I managed to utter with an urgency that made the driver obey me and start the rickshaw. However hard I tugged at my denim jacket to make me feel safe, the aloofness of the night caused goosebumps to break at the surface of my skin. It was over. No matter how many times I reiterated that I couldn't stop my heart pounding wildly in my chest, afraid of being trapped in this bruised body. I sat there hunched like an old lady, hoping for the searing pain to soon subside, but fresh tears sprang in my eyes and I started trembling. I realized that he had not only kicked my body, but also my dignity and I wasn't sure if I would ever recover from it. I needed my mother, to feel her warm touch and be assured that I was okay. I needed to be close to my parents even though they would want to be as far away from me as possible if they got to know the truth.

When I arrived at my apartment building, the rickshaw driver too expressed his concern, but I brushed him off with a forced smile and headed straight to the elevator. I thought that I would calm down at the sight of my apartment, but it augmented the desire in me to enter my home and I jabbed at the elevator button with the fresh waves of frustration that washed over me. He had recorded me, my face, what if he circulated that online? What if everyone got to know? The people at my old school? My parents?

Pavitra opened the door and without looking at her, I bolted towards my room and collapsed on my bed.

"Hey! Will you not even say anything about where you disappeared? I had to lie for you! I had to tell aai and baba that you went to meet that only friend of yours in college," I heard Pavitra's distant words, but my stomach was still sore for me to shift and face her. "Ayy!" Suddenly, she turned me over and I saw her wide eyes staring at me, stunned. "What happened? Why are you crying? Where did you go?"

I shrugged her hands away and with difficulty, faced the wall again. "I have stomach cramps . . . Where is aai? And baba?"

"They have gone to the market---hey, are you sure you're okay . . . ?"

"Why? What will you do about it?" I snarled, no longer able to tolerate her. She was the one to blame for these months of living in a shit hole. At least, those people were done with me in a single blow, but her blows would never end. "Haven't you messed up enough already? Or do you wish to mess up my life too? Are you happy now, seeing me like this? Don't you get a kick out of people's misery?"

I knew that much talking was enough. She let go of me and I saw her shadow quietly leave the room. Knowing that I was alone, I clutched my stomach harder than ever before and let my cries lose control of my body, this body that I no longer wanted to live in.

* * *

Glossary :

Rangolis : colourful patterns drawn on the floor, typically during Diwali.

Chakki : a derogatory term for transgenders. Also used to undermine someone's femininity or masculinity.

Saali : an abusive word in Hindi.