Junoon hai mera banu main tere kaabil

Tere bina ghuzara ye dil hai mushkhil

**

"Mohabbat kushiya luta deti hai.

"Aur dard?

"Dard? Dard ko loot leta hai...

As they dipped their hands in water to immerse the marigolds, they brushed together for the briefest of touches. Instinctively her eyes flicked upwards and caught his gaze on her. Her husband was as handsome as ever, the sunlight picking up the hints of brown in his casually loose mane and highlighting the flecks of gold in his chocolaty orbs. He was staring down at her concernedly, a look she did not want, and with a pity she would not entertain. Gauri dropped her gaze, watching as the butter yellow flowers floated away, a fresh bout of tears blurring her gaze. She could feel his gaze on her like a burden on her shoulder, never wavering, never lifting...just like the silence between them.

Then suddenly all the numbness settled upon her since the past two days, lifted. She could feel the soft breeze, tickling tendrils of hair against her cheeks and throat, the water rising past her ankles, the edges of her dump saari clinging to her legs. The flowers were no longer visible and her wet hand had partially dried off. Gauri drew in a breath. She felt lonely and aimless again after almost sixteen months since walking out on her husband.

He had never uttered those words, she tried to convince herself with a sigh. It was her imaginary version of him that did. The real man that was Omkara Singh Oberoi was hardly the man of her dreams.

In silence she chided herself, what was she doing, when he himself had made no move to contact her although they've been moving in the same cycle for some months now.

Strangely, his withdrawal from her life did not anger her. In fact Gauri understood this was his self proclaimed punishment. Sometimes in solitude she confessed to herself that she did not enjoy the knowledge, especially what Shivay Singh Oberoi had bestowed upon her, on her return to their society donning a new, more socially acceptable mask.

Who was she kidding? She asked herself then, Omkara Singh Oberoi had never truly left her life, her psyche or her heart. Even to date she could sense it when they shared the same air, when he was around. It was like her heart was tuned to the rhyme of his and it accelerated in his close proximity. In all these months, other than a passing blur of a glimpse, she had not seen her husband, but more than one, she had felt his eyes on her. Gauri had felt it for the first time when she walked into that sound proof recording room for her first ever recording.

Twiddling with her sweaty palms and tucking her hair behind her ear, she had looked up and caught her own reflection in the glass wall on her side. Her experience at the reality show had taught her that thing was actually see through from the other side, where probably a few of marketing and management personals of her first album would be sitting, probably accompanied by an excited Maddy. They might be there to analyze her one last time, convince themselves that they had made the right decision by investing on her. She knew she had to put on a brave face, switch back to the PR wali Gauri as Maddy called that avatar, and boost the confidence of her financial backers. But instead, she found herself walking towards the glass and resting her palm on it, trying to even her breathing and calm her heartbeat. Somehow she felt, no, sensed, he was somewhere close by.

That realization brought with it a different kind of courage. Not the kind smiling at her reflection and telling it everything will be alright gave her, not the kind living in her own imaginary bubble had given her. But the real, suffusing her veins with warmth and life kind of courage. Gauri inhaled sharply, her eyes stinging a little with a glitter of tears and had walked to her microphone feeling more rejuvenated than ever before.

It was later, when everyone had been congratulating and telling her what a wonderful job she had done in there, and of cause making a lot of noise she had found the invitation addressed to her, calmly resting on the glass stool, waiting to be found and read by her.

Annika weds Shivay

Gasping for a gulp of air, Gauri had sunk into the sofa, tears that blinded her momentarily interrupting her from reading any further. She was happy of cause, for her bade bhaiyya and Bhujaai. She was sure they would eventually find their way back to each other. But her heart, she acknowledged with an unconscious hand held against it, was jumping for another reason altogether. He was there. Omkara had been there. She had dashed out mindlessly, through the passages and down fleets of stairs, searching for him, too scared to call out for him. But had never managed to catch him before he left, after being a part of her first step towards success. Standing stranded in the relatively empty drive way, wondering if it was ever more than another dream, she flipped the invitation over and read his neat, curvy script on the empty back cover.

Behen ki shaadi, mubharakh ho...

He had hit somewhere she was still sore. For one entire night she spent awake and cursing Omkara for his ability to do just that. Annika was more than just a sister in law. To know that she was getting married, and that there would be no one in that function who she could truly call her own was eating her away. Fair enough, the Oberois adored her. But Gauri knew only to well how lonely one felt in that luxurious house, among those expensively clad narrow minded people.

Finally she had gone there, just for the sake of the one woman who seemed to understand her silences better than she had ever done.

It had created a kind of buzz for a while, since Gauri was also quite a name those days. The beloved village belle of many reality fans. But the Oberoi PR had been always good in smoothing things off and strangely she found, the Oberois themselves had been far too welcoming to her than she had ever expected. Only, he wasn't there or anywhere her eyes could pick him up. She had done her bit for Annika and spoken warmly, gladly with Rudra and Shivay and had finally been hesitant to leave, when Shivay had addressed her doubts.

"Wo nahi aayenga Gauri, his tone was muted, his eyes dimmed even in the most joyous occasion of his life, Shivay Singh Oberoi looked truly a defeated man. "Om, ab hamare saah nahi rehetha.

She did not know how to reply to such a  heartbreaking revelation. In the little time she had spend in this dysfunctional family she had come to consider their brotherhood unbreakable, beyond any wordly problems.

"Uss ka maanna hai ki yahi uss ke saza honi chahiye. Mera bhai kudko wohi dard dene ki koshish kar raha hai jo uss ne kabhi tumhe diya tha...

Other than a sharp painful gasp she had not said anything to that either. Folding her hands in respect Gauri had turned her heel and run, before the ever gifted with his speech SSO manages to break her resolve to keep herself aloof of the existence of a certain long haired Oberoi.

But his words had not left her. In the weeks preceding she tried to convince herself that she did not care, then tried to distract herself with continuous rehearsals on classical music, sharpening already melodious vocals and evening her already perfected tone. It was this final tragedy that had landed upon her, which broke all that self imposed norms.  But she couldn't take it anymore, not even for the sake of her mother. Gauri turned to leave, her thoughts once again bitter and a long forgotten gloom slowly settling in. It was time to leave, once more.

"Gauri, he said quietly. There was no insistence in his tone, no force, no venom, it was as faint as the breeze around them and as withdrawn as the rippling water. He had not wished for her to stop, but perhaps had hoped that she will. To her dismay Gauri still found her feet heeding to his wishes, stilling on her tracks as she waited for him to speak again. But then again, she had a will of her own and a self respect that ferociously protested against bending her rules for his man once more. So instead of keeping mum, she filled words to the next silence.

"Sukriya jo aap aaaye, itne biji hone ke baad bhi. Ma ko... her voice shook a bit before picking up that monotone once more. "Kushi mili hongi.

"Tumhe thank you kehene ki zarurat nahi hai, he said then, and from the sound of splashing water she knew he was approaching her. "Wo..

"Maa thi, patha hai, she nodded curtly, still staring straight ahead, too scared to blink and let that burning tear drop fell. Gauri Kumari Sharma didn't cry in front of strangers. "Aap ne hi kabhi bataya tha, maa maa hoti hai, apni ya parayi nahi hoti.

"Gauri, he spoke again, somewhere so close to her, perhaps standing right behind her. "Mera wo matlab nahi tha.

"Humne unse kaha tha, aap ko pone na kare, she continued bitterly. "Par unhone kissi bhi tara Maddy ko manwa liya tha. Agar hume pata hota toh hum... she gulped again this time wiping that stray drop of tear with her wrist. "Wo jada padi likhi nahi thi na, unke liye shaadi saat janmo ka bandan hoti hai. Unhe kya pata kuch logo ko milane ke liye kuch kaali moti aur agni ke saame li gayi kuch phere kafi nahi hoti.

She wondered if she imagined his sharp intake of breath at that, but continued nevertheless.

"Unhone aap se jo bhi vaade liye the, unhe ek ghawar ki galati samajh kar bhool jaayiyenga.

"Wo unki naadani nahi thi Gauri, apnapan tha, he said in the end, with a sigh. "Mujhe bura nahi laga.

"Teek hai, aap ki marji, she said dismissively daring to read too much into his deep meaning words. It had always been her weakness, imagining what had never been there. She was no longer trying to console herself by twisting his words. "Apna khyal rakiyenga Omkara ji, hum chalthe hai.

"Main chor du? He held back her wrist to ask, bringing to her attention how close they had been standing all that time. Her back brushed his chest and his breath ruffled her hair. Her bangles tinkled as he released his hold.

"Nahi, ab aadat hogvaya hai, akele chalne ki. She replied with a faint smile curling her lips. It had no real happiness behind it a simple gesture born of realization. She had walked a few paces when he spoke again.

"Main sach mein wo vaada nibhana chahata hoon Gauri.

This time she turned around to face him, her eyes hard and cold, that mocking curl still tugging at the corners of her lips and her arms folded across her chest. Gauri did not speak, but her glare dared him to continue. Omkara held that gaze with a steady one of his own. He knew he deserved this fury she was directing at him and was grateful that instead of the indifference of the past few months, she was expressing her anger at him. He had never been as sure of something as the words he had spoken a moment back and he did not back off without making her understand the same. There had been lot of misunderstandings between them, chasms that took a life time to bridge.

"Tumhara khyaal rakh na chahata hoon, zindagi bhar. Jaise maine maa se vada kiya tha.

"Jo loog ghusar gaye, unse ki gayi vaado ka koi mol nahi hota Omkara ji. Aur hum apne khyal kud rak sakthe hai...jaise itne mahine rak the aaye hai.

"Jo loog apne hote hai na Gauri, wo kabhi humein chod kar nahi jaate.

"Nahi jaathe? She asked with a dry chuckle, her eyes stinging with fresh tears. "Toh phir hum  itne akele kiyun hai Omkara ji? She continued clasping a hand over where her heart was wrenching in silent agony. "Toh phir itna dard kiyun? Yeh aanson kiyun?

"Gauri, he almost touched her, concern brimming his eyes before she slapped his fingers away and stepped back, still glaring at him.

"Sabd hi toh hai aap ke paas. Daya aaya toh dil behelane ke liye bol diya. She folded her arms and continued, letting her tears of frustration drain away. "Hume nahi chahiye aap ki daya. Nahi chahiye aap ke khali shabd. Joothe vade. Toote dil. Nahi chahiye aap ke ehesaan. Agar apne kabhi chod ke nahi jaate toh hum saat kiyun nahi hai? Hum ne toh hamesha aap ko apna maana tha, aap ki duniya ko apna maana tha. Toh phir aap hamare kiyun nahi hai?

"Gauri...

"Hum kuch sunna nahi chahate. Wo maa ki akhri ichcha ti issi liye hum ne kuch nahi kaha. Par aap ki ehesaano ka boj hum aur nahi utha sakthe. Aap ne humein paraya kar diya na Omkara ji, toh bar bar kiyun chale aate hai humare paas? Kiyun humein pachthawa mehesoos karwate hai? Kud ko aise barbaat kar ke humein jimeidaar kiyun teherate hai? Aap ko patha bhi hai aap ko aise dekh ke, iss tarah toote hue dekh ke humein kitni dard hoti hai? Parwah hai aap ko?

She allowed herself to sob finally, hiding her face in her hands, letting them wrack her frame not caring of PR, image and all that jazz. She was just Gauri, who had lost the last person who was her own in this cruel world. She was just Gauri who had had enough. And words from that dream conversation popped up again.

"Aur wo mohabbat ka kya jo dard deti ho?

"Wo Mohabbat hai Gauri, jiss mein dard bhi meethi hai.

"Aap ko kya patha uss dard ka?

Gauri found herself being embraced unwillingly as she returned to the reality surrounding her. Omkara gathered her closer to himself, wrapping his arms around her shaking figure and tucking her head under his chin. He was not sure if she would be consoled or not, but the pain of watching her cry reduced a bit, the agony of his twitching heart healed a little. He sighed and heard her imitating the same.

She hated it, hated the way her body settled into his embrace. Hated how her heart found its peace, hated just how her tears dried up and the fire she was burning in slowly faded away. She hated to accept it, but decided to stay silent, feeling the warmth that spread through her veins.

She hated it, that he felt like home.

Involuntarily his lips tugged upwards in a faint smile. He wasn't happy, her loss had left him feeling empty too. But he was no longer in pain as he was before.

He loved it, that she felt like home.

And two people who refused to give a name to whatever was simmering between them, silently held each other and breathed the chilly dawn air, drawing strength from each other and syncing their heartbeats. All was not well, nor will everything sort out instantly afterwords. But for the time being, they were content with what they had; each other.

**

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Love,

Sakura