It's right before dinner when Wooyoung returns from his day.

Jongho wanted to approach him, but as soon as Wooyoung sheds his school gear, he heads to the kitchen, readying to prepare the family meal.

Jongho just opts for setting the table.

As they eat - once again without Woohyeon - Eunmin and Kyungmin's attention has shifted from their long-lost brother to Eomma's return.

It's funny, Jongho thinks, in a sad kind of way, how we always focus on the people who give us less.

After dinner is cleared, Jongho follows his brother upstairs. Wooyoung stops in front of their once shared room, allowing Jongho to enter first.

They take seats opposite each other, on their respective beds.

"So," Wooyoung begins. He leans back on his hands, opening his chest to portray the confidence he wishes he had. "What do you want to talk about."

Jongho already knew this wasn't going to end well.

"Would you, uh... Like to talk at a different time?" Jongho knows they should not talk while angry, that this particular emotion often serves to warp reality. He is reminded of what Minji said, "just as you cannot see your reflection clearly in boiling water, you cannot see the truth in a state of anger."

It was very Yoda-like, not that Minji knew who Yoda was.

"Nope, not really." Wooyoung raises his brows. "We're already here, might as well pull the trigger."

Jongho thought that was ridiculous logic.

For better or worse, however, he went along with his brother.

"Well, I don't have a specific agenda." Jongho scoots back so he can rest his back on the wall. "I guess I just wanted to... catch up?"

Wooyoung looks on, his face incredulous. "Catch up?"

"Yeah..." Jongho gulped, trying to stay still. "Like... I just... I plan to go back soon, so I just didn't want to leave on bad terms."

Wooyoung laughs. Devoid, of course, of any humour. Instead of sparkles in his eyes, there was only the glint of betrayal.

"Of course you're leaving again." Wooyoung scoffs. "Jongho, don't you see you have responsibilities here? You can't just run away from your problems."

"But you also can't stay in a place where you're continually hurt," Jongho retorts.

"You're saying we hurt you?" Wooyoung asks, but no sympathy is held in his voice, instead it is just a challenge. Daring Jongho to blame their family.

"N-no, not exactly. It's not their fault, Hyung, it's the world we live in."

"You're sounding a lot like Woohyeon," blaming all our problems on society. Capitalism this, patriarchy that, public schools, private schools," Wooyoung waves his hands through the air, exasperated. "The housing industry, insurance, corporate fraud, privatization of medical-" Wooyoung cuts himself off. "You get the idea."

Jongho is silent for a moment. As Jongho looks to the spines of Wooyoung's books, to their bedspreads, even their dusty clothes, he realizes Woohyeon barely knows the worst of it. "She has a point, though."

"Oh here we go." Wooyoung stands and Jongho shoots forward to stop him from leaving. But he doesn't get far.

"Jongho," Wooyoung's heart is aching, begging to - for once - be let out of the confines of his ribs. But as tears pierce the brim of his eyes, Wooyoung pushes his heart back into place. "Do you think I want to be here? Do you think I want to stay? Walk the kids to school, then go to my own classes, come home only to clean and cook and do it all without breaking?

"Do you think I want to go to these stupid business classes, or keep track of my finances, or waste years of my life in the military, or have to fit every day into an expectation?"

Wooyoung barely takes a breath as his voice raises. "No. But I will, for our family and for my country. Because it is my job; to be a good example to Woohyeon and Kyungmin and Eunmin; to show them how to be good, productive people. Not someone who runs off to fairy land."

Wooyoung had never gone this harsh on Jongho before. At least, not that either one could remember. They were always... there, for each other. Jongho felt pricks of anxiety and guilt stab into the layers of his skin from the inside out.

Maybe he had done wrong.

Perhaps he never should've left.

Maybe he was being selfish: that word he swore he would never be.

Wooyoung sighs, falling back onto his bed as the anger begins to dissipate from his chest. "Jongho I love you but this is just stupid. Come on, you were just about to attend university, right? Just stay. You'll figure it out."

And Jongho doesn't know what to say, because from every direction are voices swirling in a cacophony of advice.

Follow your heart.

Follow logic.

Respect the traditions.

Find your own path.

Trust the process.

Trust only yourself.

And if Jongho just stays still, allows himself to simply be swept along with the current of life, he can't mess it up, right?

"Okay, Hyung," Jongho finally says. "I'll think about it."

"Good." Wooyoung stands, rubbing the emotions of his face with his palms. "Sleep in your bed tonight; it must've been uncomfortable on the kids' floor."

As Jongho crawls into his old bed, he realizes the floor is not the uncomfortable part.

- • -

Before the youngers jumped into his bed with waffles, Jongho hadn't realized it's his birthday.

His twentieth birthday, to be exact. Although he won't technically turn the age until the sun hangs far higher in the sky.

Wooyoung sits in his pajamas on his own bed, eating waffles and strawberries off a plate. (Birthdays are the only days they are allowed to eat in bedrooms.)

As syrup drips off Kyungmin's sticky fingers, he decides this is a perfect time to tickle his hyung, and, of course, Eunmin must join in on the fun. Long-lost giggles tumble forth from Jongho, and he is just lost in the moment; lost in the pure simplicity of happiness.

And Wooyoung looks on, pretty happy himself. Happy to see his siblings enjoying themselves, back together again.

Well... He thinks, except for one.

"Are you walking us to school today?" Eunmin asks.

And so Jongho does. Kyungmin rides on Jongho's back as Eunmin dances along in front. There are roses planted - yellow ones - a little ways back from the sidewalk, so with a little gasp, Eunmin runs across the grass to caress the silk pettles. Jongho isn't sure if she notices the Stay Off Grass sign, but he keeps the knowledge to himself. Isn't grass for walking on? That's what Yunho says...

Yunho... Yunho's bare feet walking across the grass, Yunho glittering in the sun, Yunho serenading the plants around him. Yunho-

"Noona!" Kyungmin wiggles free to chase after his sister. Jongho hopes no one scolds them.

On the opposite side of the street, the side covered in cement and office buildings, a well-dressed man walks past. He side eyes the siblings, making Jongho uncomfortable. His eyes show a disgusting judgement, and he steps to cross the street.

Before Jongho can notice, Eunmin breaks the stem of a single rose and runs back to the sidewalk, holding it out to her brother. "Happy birthday, Oppa!" And she is so pleased.

Jongho is touched, and, taking the rose in his hand, he realizes the color is far more dull than it should be.

But only Jongho knows this. In Eunmin's eyes, the color is a splendid yellow, and oh how Jongho wishes he could explain to her that this rose is barely a cream.

"Young man." Jongho jumps slightly at the voice. Ugh. Jongho forgot about that man. "How dare you disrespect someone else's property!" A stern voice, full of a superior ring. "They clearly state not to walk on their lawn. And you" - his eyes turn toward Eunmin - "who gave you permission to steal a flower?"

The two youngsters hide behind a now highly irritated Jongho. He wonders what Minji would say to do in this situation; has she ever experienced someone quite so condescending?

"Sir," he stays respectful, a difficult feat, "natural resources can't particularly be owned by someone, and they're not hurting anything."

He scoffs, "what about hurting that flower she took?"

And Jongho is a little proud of himself for now having the knowledge to answer this accusation. "It actually doesn't hurt the plant. That spot will scab over quickly and grow somewhere new. Plus, you know, in nature it's quite common that animals will bite-" but the man, to no one's surprise, has little patience.

"You should learn to follow the rules. They're in place for a reason." And with large strides, the man leaves them, quickly sliding into a cab down the street.

Jongho just... stares after him. He'd forgotten how rude people can be. Yet, Jongho isn't quite as upset as he expected to be.

The whole encounter was just... abrupt. Just like, it didn't quite make sense.

"...Oppa?" Comes a whimper. And Jongho quickly snaps into big brother mode, poking fun at the scenery around them, joking about the grass and the roses and how the sunlight makes his littlest siblings glimmer like mermaids bathing in a lagoon.

Then, he remembers his siblings have never seen a lagoon, but they understand the concept. "A big puddle," they say, and Jongho nods, "kinda, yeah."

Jongho takes the rose frozen in Eunmin's hand and, ignoring the thorns, slides it begind his ear.

But when Jongho drops Eunmin and Kyungmin off at school, he sees that their eyes do not sparkle quite like before.

Fear seeps into Jongho. A subconscious fear which simply serves to make him a little uneasy, but just a little; lying barely dormant under his mental surface, Jongho doesn't give the feeling much attention.

It's his birthday after all, why should he feel uneasy?

Before Jongho realizes, the sun is just over its peak; he's about to leave his teenage years behind.

He didn't... he didn't really think he'd live to see this day, this age.

Twenty.

Not because he thought he'd actually off himself, or because he'd necessarily die, but just... surviving? Until twenty? Jongho? No way. Yet, here he is.

Sitting in his little backyard, Jongho breathes a slow wisp of musty air.

He had been dreading this birthday. Twenty just always seemed like such an adult, and yet what has Jongho accomplished in life? Running away?

Not running away, Jongho corrects himself.

Minji might say how, just because one is a certain age, does not mean one must have accomplished certain things. Minji, however, is very far removed from this situation.

But then Jongho pays attention to the present. How he feels right now. And honestly? He is not dreading it, not fearing this next year or the years to follow. Pleasant can't even begin to contain the sheer peace which comes with this feeling.

Turning his face towards the sun, Jongho's hands fall behind him onto the prickly grass. How easily Yunho could make this into a lush bed.

But he hasn't seen Yunho for two days now. Only two days?! Jongho shake his head in disbelief. But still... Jongho will see him again in a week.

Not long, he reminds himself.

- • -

"Jongho-ya!" Eomma calls.

He'd been resting on the small patch of grass for quite a while. Jongho looked toward the sun hanging just above the horizon: sunset, even though the sun would still provide light for another hour.

At least, Jongho thought, that's what it was in the mountains. He wonders if the difference in elevation will change how he views the sun's pattern.

He'd thought that, once the youngers returned from school, Eunmin and Kyungmin would join him outside. But they never appeared.

"It's time to eat!" Eomma calls out after him.

So, brushing himself off, Jongho ventures inside.

Woohyeon stands against the dining room wall, arms crossed and head bowed. But when she hears the back door sliding open, she looks up with a smile to her brother.

As their eyes met, Jongho smiled, too, relieved and welcoming.

He'd been worried for her, hoping she wasn't giving into pressure, hoping she was staying safe. Because she's only sixteen. A rather horrible age in Jongho's opinion. The years right before you realize you're actually not an adult yet, and you actually can't do everything on your own, and you actually don't know better than everyone else.

So yes, Jongho is happy to see his sister's smile, even if it's a little dull. Even if her face is a little sunken.

"Happy birthday, Oppa." She gave him a hug, firm and loving, at least, though without excitement.

"Thanks, Woohyeon-ah."

Mama calls the kids who were glued to the TV. A line of movies had been put on to distract them while Mama did her Mama things.

Ah, Jongho realized, a little sad, so that's why they didn't come outside.

But once they were broken from the screen's enthrall, they jumped up to join Jongho for his birthday dinner. A delicious birthday dinner.

At least, one that should've been delicious, one which always was delicious.

Even when the sallow ice-cream cake was presented with bouts of song, it just... wasn't as appealing; not like before.

To Jongho, the flavor just... wasn't there.

- • -

Home from school, Wooyoung retreats to his room.

Exhausted.

His eyes sting from staring at blue light all day. It'll be hard to sleep, Wooyoung can already tell.

He'll have to make dinner in an hour or so. What he'll make is another question, but not one for now, he can't bear another thought right now.

Looking over to Jongho's bed, he scoffs to see it made so neatly. He never used to do that. Then again, Wooyoung has been noticing quite a few things Jongho never used to do. There have been no fights between him and Eomma, no retreats from the children, no headphones boxing him into his own world.

His eyes have changed, too, Wooyoung reminds himself. But he is incapable of describing quite how they have changed.

Wooyoung just stands. In the middle of their room. Backpack in one hand, phone in the other.

His phone vibrates - he tenses, a wave of anxiety washing over at the thought of a phonecall. But after the first vibration, a specific ringtone starts to play; the anxiety leaves as quickly as it came.

At least it's just San.

Not that he particularly wants to talk to San, either. But he made it a point to never ignore his calls.

"Hey, darling. Just calling to check on you." San's voice is faint over the line, the signal obscured by the thick walls of San's facility.

"Why?" Wooyoung asks.

As much as Wooyoung doesn't want to talk with anyone, perhaps San wouldn't be so bad.

"Why am I checking on you? Because I felt like it."

Wooyoung stays silent.

"I saw a beautiful rose today." San takes the hint, changing the subject.

Shuffling sounds on Wooyoung's side of the line as he sets down his school bag.

"It was yellow; it reminded me of you."

Wooyoung scoffs. "Cheesey ass."

And San hums, "yes I suppose it kinda was the color of cheese, being yellow and all."

Finally, Wooyoung laughs. Pulled away from the existence he currently loathes, he floats to San in illusionary joy. Yet, in the back of Wooyoung's mind, a voice warns him, scared by the fact that, lately, he only seems to be happy around San. But the warning is dismissed, pushed far away, as the smile stays on Wooyoung's face.

"Sannie Hyung..."

At that name, San's whole attention diverts to his boyfriend. Hyung, which only comes out in Wooyoung's exceptionally rare states of vulnerability.

"What is it, darling?"

Wooyoung wishes he could hear San better, wishes columns of cement and aluminum and tar didn't block the signal so horribly.

"I-"

Wooyoung sits on his bed, only to fall into the blankets a moment later, burying his head.

"Wooyoung-ah, tell me."

"Nothing, really. I'm just tired."

Someone calls San's name in the background. It echoes through the steel plant San works in, sounding ominous on Wooyoung's end. But San ignores the call. Wooyoung hopes it isn't San's boss.

"Hey, Wooyoung, darling. I know you are. I'm tired too, but we'll be tired together, okay?"

San's name is called again, louder, with aggression.

"I've gotta go."

And Wooyoung is met with a dial tone.

He hates this. This feeling, this life, these small moments of connection only to be met with a cruel reality a second later.

But what other choice does he have?

Wooyoung sighs in unison with the knock on his door.

"Yeah." He calls out. The door opens to reveal Jongho.

Jongho with those new eyes Wooyoung is growing to hate.

Hate? Wooyoung asks himself.

Yes.

But anger is only the tip of the emotional iceberg, so perhaps what Wooyoung feels is something else entirely.

"Hey Wooyoung-ah, wanna talk?"

And no. No, Wooyoung most definitely does not.

"Sure," Wooyoung replies.

Jongho sits on his own bed, a little tense, a little hopeful.

"What is it?" Wooyoung has assignments to finish. Assignments he'll lie to himself about, saying he really will finish them, just not now. Not now. Not-

"I didn't really have anything specific, just that we haven't talked in a while."

"And whose fault is that?" The words leave Wooyoung before he can enact quality control. He's too tired for this.

"You know I needed to go."

"I'm aware."

Wooyoung continues, "but you're back now, right? So you going to university or...?"

It's Wooyoung's turn to be met with silence.

"Come on, Jongho, a job maybe? You've gotta do something."

"I am doing something." Jongho fidgets, his voice unsure. Forgetting everything Minji and Yunho and Seonghwa tried to teach him, thoughts begin to seep back in, gnawing at the corners of his new mental defenses.

Perhaps with time, he will learn to withstand the attacks of his past self.

Wooyoung rolls his eyes. "I assume you didn't come here to argue, so why don't you just tell me your plan?"

Jongho nods, trying to ignore the feeling that this will end up in an argument either way. "I'm going back."

"To uni? Good."

But Jongho shakes his head. "Back to Gidae."

"What?" Jongho looks his twin in the eyes, seeing genuine confusion. "Back to that hellhole?"

"It's a good place! They taught me-"

"University will teach you!" Wooyoung interrupts, "teach you things you can actually use, like a normal human, you know, as part of functioning society."

Jongho scoffs, "doesn't seem too functioning to me."

Animosity grows in Wooyoung's heart, jealousy, perhaps, towards what he cannot understand. What he refuses to understand.

"Jongho, you gotta stop running from your life, like seriously," Wooyoung leans forward to the edge of his bed. "Just avoiding everything by escaping to a freaking cult in the woods? You're gonna need to eventually grow up."

"I am growing up, just in a different way... well, different than normal, I guess." Jongho mimics his brother, sitting at the edge of his bed. "And I'm not running away or avoiding my life. I'm learning- learning to- ugh." Jongho tries to calm himself, rubbing his eyes.

"Apparently you're not learning much if you can't even voice it."

"Hyung!" Jongho's voice leaks exasperation. "How to live! I'm learning to be happy and thoughtful and to understand myself and the world around me."

"How nice." Wooyoung doesn't even feel sleepy, now. Simply frustrated.

When two worldviews meet, they are bound to clash. Two worldviews which- in Wooyoung's opinion- should've stayed only as one.

"Wooyoung-ah, come with me when I go back," Jongho pleads, "just see what it's like."

Wooyoung stands, rolling his eyes, beginning to pace back and forth across the bedroom carpet. "Apparently I don't have the freedom you do, Jongho. I can't just up and leave."

Leave.

You can't just leave.

"But Wooyoung, why no-"

"Do you think I want to stay?!" Wooyoung finally snaps, eyes trained like burning arrows toward his brother. "Do you think it doesn't sound wonderful to escape off into the magical woods without a care in the world?"

"It's not-" but as Jongho stands, he is cut off again.

"No, I don't want any excuses, Jongho." Wooyoung has reached his boiling point, begging himself to hold it together, just for a few moments. Take a breath, he tells himself. "I don't- I-"

He just wants to go back to being happy. Remember those days?

But then again, happiness was just moments of days. Those moments growing faint, scarce, and short as Wooyoung grew older.

"Wooyoung-ah, I understand you're scared but-"

"No you don't understand." Wooyoung's hands course through his hair, over and over, resisting the urge to rip it all out. "Do you think I want to stay? Do the same boring thing day after day? Just sludging along, working my brain dry for graduation just for a career and then maybe to lose it all anyway during enlistment?" Wooyoung begins to pace again.

"I used to love cooking but it's become a chore. But I still cook every day because it's my job and I cannot fail. I make sure the house is clean, I make sure the kids don't need help with homework, I make sure they're all happy, Eomma and Mama, too. Jongho-ya, the list is never done. And I know I'm failing, I know I'm not as good as I used to be. Not as caring, not as disciplined, less focused, less patient..."

"I know I used to be better..." Wooyoung stills, whispering to himself.

Jongho stays quiet. When he was at home, the twins used to share the load.

Jongho wouldn't cook, of course, but he would help the kids. Walk them to school, clean the house, listen to his parents' struggles.

And then he left.

Wooyoung was left alone.

Maybe Jongho was selfish. Maybe Jongho failed. Maybe-

"I am so tired, Jongho-ya. But I stay for them. I won't leave them."

I won't leave them like you did.

Unspoken words hang like bitter envy in the air.

Maybe Jongho should have stayed.

•

1-3-23 3.7k words.

Happy new year!

YEOSANG in Halazia!!!!

FINALLY. I wrote this over the span of like a month so forgive any strange jumps, okay 🥲 Hope you enjoy!!