I don't think I believe in God anymore.

The idea that there is some mystical man in the sky baffles me. I've decided I believe in people. Because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. You control your life and what happens. Maybe I'm just saying that because I find it hard to believe in things nowadays. But think about it. You wake up one morning and decided to go for a coffee in that nice little café down the road, and happen to run into your soulmate. That was you. You decided to wake up and get a coffee. Fate/ the universe seems more plausible but only if you controlled it. Like meeting your soulmate in a café could be fate. But once again, you decided to go for a coffee.
Am i making any sense? I doubt it.
Religion can be so beautiful and so toxic at the same time and yet, i don't understand it. Why put your faith, your entire being into something other than yourself? I believe in people. I see them. I hear them. I can read them. There is physical, scientific proof. They have character. They have flaws. They have experiences. They have growth. They have a meaning.
I'm not trying to shit on anyones religions/beliefs/faith. As I said, religions and the cultures they bring and create can be so beautiful. But maybe if people stopped praying to a god that does not exist to me, people would have more faith in themselves.
I was born and raised into your typical roman catholic Irish household. I was christened. I made my communion. I went to mass. I prayed, and believed. Then when I was twelve, I made my confirmation. It was the first time I doubted my faith. I told my Mam I didn't want to make my confirmation. If you don't know, a confirmation is the last holy sacrament you make as a child (In most cases). It's basically when you accept God and join your Parrish, etc.

My schools have never been called "Catholic" schools. And yet, we go to mass around Catholic holidays. We are told to pray to God and Jesus when we're sad or lost. Or when we're happy and celebrating. We are told to ask for forgiveness from a magic man in the sky, rather than learn to forgive ourselves. In primary school, my teachers spent more time teaching us religion than they did Irish. Maybe if they spent more time on a core subject, I would have been able to pass my irish oral without my Taoiseach automatically passing me because of Covid-19.
Christianity in Ireland doesn't have the best reputation believe it or not. It split the country apart--among other things such as the English Government and Monarchy. The Church was the highest authority in Ireland. As a result, tens of thousands of women were punished and tortured all the way up until the mid nineties. In the past nine years since I made my communion at the age of eight, I have seen a massive decline in Catholicism and well any kind of Christianity in Ireland. It is not seen as Holy and as vital as before. And I'm glad.
Praying for forgiveness for the things I have done and how I feel have never made me feel better about myself or others.Believing and worshipping has never made me understand why I grew up the way I did and why I grew up to hate myself and the person I'm becoming. Religion controls the world in the same way money, power and greed do and I wish it was different.

Then again, everyone prays in the end.