AGNOSTHESIA: THE STATE OF NOT KNOWING HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING

I reached home by taxi and before long I was knocking on Hyungwon's door with my heart hammering inside my ribcage. I was a little out of breath and my bag was slipping off my shoulder, my hands were trembling.

He opened the door soon. He was already accustomed to my abrupt visits at the most ungodly hours to ask him petty questions. Hyungwon left the door unoccupied for me to go inside, and for the first time, I mulled over it before stepping inside.

Mulled over what exactly I couldn't tell. The whole way my thoughts were racing in high speed like the cars that pass through late at night on the barren and black highways, but now it was completely blank. I was at a loss for words.

"What's wrong?" In the dark of his room, I saw him staring at me and even though there wasn't much light there (he liked working in the dark with only a table lamp on) I could see his eyes widen.

He could see it on my face that something was wrong. Or was it right? Because inevitably everything led to the same thing.

I took in a deep breath, clutched onto the straps of my bag tightly, and trudged inside his room. I sat on the forlorn-looking couch in his room that I always used to sit on.

Was anything supposed to feel different? Now that a lot of things made sense.

"Sit," I managed to tell him. My voice sounded vastly different to my own ears as if it was not me but someone else talking.

He gave me a surprised once over and took a sit on his bed (his usual spot too). His hair was getting long again since the last time we had happened to cut it. I looked at him, and he stared at me back.

I had to look away, and I looked down at my hands resting on my lap instead, one of them still holding onto my phone tightly.

On the taxi, I had searched Alexander Chae on the web. He was a Korean American child prodigy who had passed college at the age of fifteen. And he was a researcher yet to be known in his field.

Hyungwon cleared his throat to catch my attention. I could not look up but I listened to his voice, sounding small and quiet in this room that suddenly felt so large and loud in the silence.

"I think I might be able to go back to my own timeline this time," he said, "to the original world I came from."

Silence ensued, after a second he continued. "I don't know if anything has changed there since I've left. Frankly, there is nothing to change. And I'm not sure if it would work either. There's only one way to know and that's to use it."

"You want to go back?" I asked, cutting him short.

He inhaled sharply, a sound loud enough for me to hear from the other corner of the room. The night was deafeningly silent and eerily long. It felt like I had passed through decades in one night.

"Not now," he answered briefly.

"Your father is the famous scientist, Alex Chae, right? He designed and made the watch for you," I said.

The question, which sounded more like a statement, left my mouth easily even though I had a tough time sorting them out. I didn't know if that was really the first thing I had intended to ask Hyungwon, though after letting it out I felt as if a heavy rock was lifted off my chest.

When no answer came from him, I knew I had to look up at him. I had to get my eyes on him and understand what was going on. I clamped my eyes shut for a moment, took a deep breath in, and finally looked up.

He was sitting exactly like before. His head lolled to the front under the shadows of his hair on his face. I could not see his expression. I would've thought he had fallen asleep if I did not see his index finger slowly making circles on the crown of his watch.

"Hyungwon," I called out to him but received no response.

Hence, I let him be for a few seconds, or a minute, maybe more.

Time felt like it was passing extremely slow at that point, a field of poppy flowers slowly bobbing their heads with the breeze. They grow up, live, and die, all the time trembling in their own space for an eternity. The cycle continues.

"Hyungwon," I called out again, my voice firm but low. "Am I— am I related to you?"

His finger stopped encircling around his watch and lightly rested on the worn-out leather straps. As my eyes were only on his hands and fingers, I noticed the striking similarity between Hyungwon and Alex.

If I was not sure I had left the previous man alone in a 24/7 library some time ago tonight, I would've believed it was Alex in a different sort of face before me.

"When do we...? I mean, Alex and I—" I couldn't complete my sentence, and I didn't really know what I wanted to say in the first place.

All I knew was that right here, right now, I could not imagine my life without Wonho, I couldn't even fit Alex in there.

The room was heavy. A chilly breeze blowing in from the opened door and window from time to time could not really dissolve the tense atmosphere. Maybe it added to the density.

My vision focused on the boy before me again, that's what really mattered right now. Hyungwon had been evading my questions from the start and now that I had close to no time left, I was in a bottomless pit of a confusing state again. Back to square one.

Minutely, I noticed Hyungwon's fingers shaking very slightly, all this time I was staring at them but not really looking. My eyes started to go up and I saw his chest heaving up and down rapidly.

Hyungwon was struggling to breathe.

My very first response was to get up, approach him and take a seat on the bed by him. The bodily response came internally like it was my utmost job to do. And then I recalled, it had been like this from the very first day I met Hyungwon.

From taking him up to the hospital, giving him medicine, always having him on my mind— even if it was a little corner of my mind when I didn't know him better-and to sense this vague yet strong sense of familiarity and responsibility towards him.

I always knew I had known him from somewhere, but it never visited my mind that Chae Hyungwon was actually a part of me.

"It's okay, Hyungwon. Try to breathe slowly. Exhale and inhale," I whispered, my own voice catching up to my throat.

He was still trembling beside me, clad in his cotton dark tee, and grey pajamas. He was older than me in this world, and I had no memories of him from the other world.

Nothing made sense but I felt like my heart was wrenching, and I could actually feel all the pain he was going through— had been going through for a long time.

"Can I see that photo?" I asked with my eyes on his battered leather bag, the only thing which was almost always by his side other than the watch on his bony wrist.

The bag with the CHAE 2046 imprinted on it. It was always sitting on a corner of his bed whenever I came here. It was as if the bag was trying its best to hide from my invasive eyes, or someone made it so.

I knew of only one thing, a photo that resided inside the bag. Once I had seen it pouring out and Hyungwon quickly hid it from me.

Now that he was saying nothing, I reached out and pulled the bag towards me. It was heavier than it looked. I looked at him for approval but seeing him still mute, albeit, with less trembling and steadier breathing than before, I gently unzipped the bag.

It was crammed with clothes and a notebook on the first look. After letting out the breath I was holding, I let my hand slip inside and as soon as I did, a hard yet paper-like material touched my skin. I pulled it out and I tried to remain calm as I inspected it.

Just like I thought, it really was a photo. A family portrait with a neutral background, probably taken in a studio. There was a young boy in a high-school graduation uniform in the middle, a man and a woman in possibly their early forties standing still by the boys' sides.

It was no doubt that the boy in the middle was a young Hyungwon, even though there was a big smile on his face which I had never seen on him. It made him look vastly different, maybe more filled with life, but it was him indeed.

The man beside Hyungwon was as tall as him, if not taller than him. His blondish hair was parted to the side and combed neatly. He was wearing a grey polo shirt which was tucked into his cream-colored pants. Even though his body was not thin anymore, but looked healthier and stronger, it was no doubt that was Alex. He was smiling just as hard as Hyungwon, if not harder.

Now the woman on the right had her hair pulled behind, probably in a bun. There were creases underneath her eyes, and smile lines by her mouth. She was wearing a simple white dress, her face taught with a mechanical expression on. The kind of smile a person gives when they're taking an official photo.

It was no doubt that the woman was me.

I looked more different than I could have ever imagined, but I knew that was me. I was staring at my own future self who was staring right back at me with the same black eyes and monolids.

The walls dissolved away and the barrier collapsed, everything faded for a moment. If I heard very carefully I could hear the wind outside knocking around the concretes of the building, and an undefined sound coming from Hyungwon.

I put the photo away and just sat there while Hyungwon cried, a gut-wrenching bellow erupting from him time to time which he quickly swallowed away. I couldn't bring myself look at him but I knew he was having one of his worst panic attacks.

And there was nothing I could do about it other than being there for him.

When I could feel his attack subsiding a little, and his shaking was less severe than before, I tentatively put my hand on his. His hand was made into a tight fist that was resting on his lap, his nails were probably digging into his palms and hurting him by then.

I noticed that my own hand was trembling over him. There were so many questions to ask but the words died down before they could bloom, like the flower buds trying to grow during mid-summer.

"After the accident, dad told me to use the machine if I wanted to save you," he finally said, his voice hoarse and half-buried inside him.

"If you mean Alex, then when did I..?" Then it suddenly hit me that Hyungwon said he had to save me and not Wonho.

There was a short silence and then he spoke very slowly. "You'll get married to him in a year. In 2019 I was— will be born."

Right now I could not imagine that, but it probably did happen. My life went on without Wonho, the earth kept rotating just like before. Nothing ever stopped for anyone. When that thought registered in, I felt like I myself wasn't there anymore.

I was merely a shadow sitting there. What was the point of doing anything? Why did we try.

"H-he loves you. Dad, I mean, Alex. He loved you," Hyungwon choked up a little, paused, and then continued. "Even though you never got over Wonho's death. And when that accident happened and you died—"

Our eyes met, he looked at me with a little shock at what he had just said. After looking at me for a moment, he said, "in 2046. We were in a car. Both of you came to pick me up from a doctor's appointment. It's then."

He looked away but I kept staring at the dark locks of his hair falling on his face, dark hair exactly like mine. If I heard clearly I could feel my heart beating louder than the howling wind outside.

"The accident happened. You died immediately. He was in the ER for a day before he was gone too. I was somehow... Unscathed. I was in the backseat, the front of the car received the most impact.

"When he was in the ER, he was still conscious for half a day. The doctors let him talk to me, they knew he was not going to make it. He told me to keep working on the watch. We've been at it ever since I was young. Even though all the companies had stopped funding the project long ago, he continued at his own expense. I never knew what was really the purpose until...

"He just wanted you to be happy somewhere. He made me promise him."

"He did that?"

After a short second Hyungwon replied, "yes. He probably thought I would send a message, not travel myself."

Then why did he say he was here for Wonho. "Then—"

"That's what dad and I thought. That saving Wonho was the best option for your happiness."

"But you can't stop someone if they're set on something, can you?" I finished for him.

The night felt like it would never end.

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a/n: I would not have updated today but this chapter was prewritten. One of my very close friends here has died. Please pray for our aaliyah.