remember who i was

Scrisă de: stunninglrh

"Whether we deserve this or not, whether these turn out to be the darkest days of our lives or the brightest happiness, we've been guided by love. How can we go wrong when we're guided by love?"

Every time the wind blows, June digs her toes into the sand. It's almost as if this keeps her anchored to the very earth beneath her body, unable to be taken away. She lets a cloud of smoke out of her mouth; it disappears within seconds and turns into nothing. The girl doesn't know why this makes her smile, but the tugging at her lips is reminding her that she's actually here, so she lets it come.

Water crashes up against her feet, something she can't feel. She can't feel the heat at her fingertips either. She barely feels someone else reach out for her cigarette and put it out in the sand.

"Hi Luke." she sighs.

"Those things are killing you, you know that right?"

"They're not killing me," she feels around in her pocket. "I'm killing me."

"Maybe you shouldn't do that."

"Why not?"

When he doesn't answer, June lets out a pitiful chuckle. She pulls out another cigarette and brings it up to her lips. She's can't even light it, for Luke takes the stick away once again. He ends up with the entire pack in his hands.

He begins to slowly back away from the water, until his arm is raised up in the air. June hopes he doesn't take another step. The sight is causing her to dig her nails into the palms of her hands. She doesn't mean to make it hurt, but her mind can't really comprehend the burn.

"Give them back," she orders. Luke smiles at her; he raises his eyebrows, holds the pack tighter, and watches as she stands to inch closer to him with every step he takes. "If you throw those into the ocean I swear-"

"Why would I do that? Don't wanna kill the fish too."

He runs towards the boardwalk, June following. Soon, they're off the sand. She tries to jump up and bring his arm down. He moves it behind his back, to one side of his body, then to the other. And with frustration melting into her face, June releases a groan.

Finally, Luke backs away. He stands in front of a trash can and rests the pack on the edge. Of course June doesn't notice.

"I'll give them back if you can give me one good reason you should keep smoking."

"It's a distraction," she mumbles under her breath.

"So ruining your pretty lungs is a distraction, from-"

"Everything."

She struggles to reach behind his back. What she doesn't know, however, is that Luke's already dropped the pack into the can.

"There are plenty of better distractions than that, love." He begins towards the shore.

"What do you want? Are you gonna kill me or something?" June's feet absentmindedly move after Luke's.

"Not even close," he laughs. "Gonna show you how to live."

"Where are my cigarettes?"

"In my pocket."

Luke runs towards the sand again. He grabs June's hand on the way by, and she lets him because holding his hand houses some kind of comfort, something she's not used to.

Since he's running, June has to run as well. Their feet kick up sand, create messy footprints almost everywhere. They stop once they reach the water, or really, June stops. Luke slips his shirt over his head and drops his sweatpants.

He walks and walks until he's waist-deep in water. Meanwhile, June stares at him in awe. It has to be freezing, as the sun is now beginning to rise. But because of the sunrise, Luke's face is illuminated with a mix of pink and yellow. His lips are curved into a smile. His hair is already wet for some reason too. His eyes are catching the reflection of the sun on the water and it's kind of making every single muscle in June's body go weak.

"You're out of your mind." She wraps her arms around herself.

"You're out of your mind for following me then," he retorts. She has to look down to notice how close she's already getting to him. The cold sends a shock through her toes and all through her veins. "Gonna get your clothes wet."

"Shut up."

Her hair is damp before she can even feel the ocean at her chest. Once she does, she's standing before Luke, who's still only waist-deep. They walk as far as they can, up to the moment where one of the two feels a deep drop that causes them to be completely submerged in water. Luke on the other hand, his feet remain on the ground. So he rests his hands on her hips and helps her to stand. "I've got you." His other hand goes to move the black of her hair away from her face.

Water falls from her forehead and to her lips. She licks it away; the taste makes her face scrunch up.

"How far do you think we could go?" she asks.

"How far do you want to go?"

"Take me to the sunrise."

June wraps her arms around Luke's neck. His hands are still on her waist, but soon, they simply scoop her up and carry her as far as his feet can go. She isn't very heavy.

The ocean becomes warmer the closer they get to the horizon, while the glow of Luke's skin becomes brighter. It's less pink now, more yellow, more golden. She reaches out to touch his jaw because water is slowly dripping off it, plus everything about this boy is so tempting to touch.

She pictures him when they'd first met.

They were in primary school, and even if she didn't look like it, she was supposed to be in the grade below him. Luke was just a small kid; they ended up being the same height once they made it to grade seven. A year after that though, Luke shot up from the ground. He came back one summer towering above her with an Adam's apple and a keen interest in the guitar.

It wasn't like things changed then. June kept defending him if someone made fun of the way he sang out in choir, or his god-awful jokes told to anybody who'd listen. She kept going to the 'shows' he put on in his basement, still helped him with homework that he couldn't understand. It was Luke and June for years.

But then things did change. Everything changed actually. Luke and June became Luke and June, for June turned eighteen. She couldn't stay at her home anymore. (Not that she ever had one. This place was filled with tired volunteers and other kids like her, except once in a while one of them would get adopted).

Since she didn't have anywhere else to go, she ended up at the beach every single day, wishing on stars while she tried to imagine things being okay again. Eventually, Luke got busy with University. They stopped seeing each other and June turned into thin air. She was light and invisible and everybody forgot she even existed.

The worst part was that Luke knew this was happening; he just didn't know how to fix it if he was just a student with barely four dollars to his name.

June closes her eyes, resting her head on Luke's chest. The beat of his heart has never ceased to amaze her, a steady sound that made her feel safe. He stops at the horizon with the water now touching his chest.

"Wish I could actually bring you to the sun. And the moon. And Venus and Jupiter and-"

"Wish you could bring me home."

She looks up to see this dome rising high towards the clouds. It practically blinds them both; June squints as she slips out of Luke's arms. He tries to hold her again because if he struggles to touch the ground, there's no way she can even graze it. But he can't reach her. She dives beneath the surface and starts to swim as deep as she can. She forces her way through the water until her ears pop, until her lungs burn and every single part of her body is screaming, breathe.

At first, she doesn't open her eyes. There isn't much difference between the dark with her eyes shut and the dark created by the water. She keeps on working against the currents that try so desperately to move her in every other direction possible, while she only wants to reach the bottom.

Her heart pounds against her ribcage. Her lungs burn, they remind her that she isn't supposed to be doing this. She swims deeper.

Another wave crashes over the surface; it takes control of her entire body. A terrible feeling climbs up her throat, and something snakes around her ankle, but she kicks it away. She swims deeper.

The sun flashes a beam of light against the ocean floor, creating an orb of distorted yellow. It's practically the only thing June can see, so she reaches out for it. She grabs at sand, holds a fistful in her palm. She's about to reach for more when all of a sudden, she's brought back up.

"Don't you ever do that again," a voice pants. She gasps for air. "That was terrifying June!"

She's sure the beat of her heart is creating ripples across the surface.

"Ju-"

"Have I lived yet?" The girl raises her hand in the air. She lets the sand trickle from her palm, watching as it dissolves in the ocean.

"You can't just do that! You disappeared, I have no idea what goes through your mind sometimes. God, you never stop to think!"

June can't tell if the salt on her face is from her tears or the ocean water. It turns out to be both. "I wanted to feel alive." It's the last thing she says before turning back around.

A wave washes right over Luke's head then. By the time he's back above the surface, June is swimming towards the shore, and he can barely see her. She decides to take advantage of this by reaching for his sweats that he left on the ground. She checks every pocket, shakes them out onto the sand. There's nothing inside. The surprising thing is though, June doesn't even care.

She pulls her knees up to her chest and buries her toes in the sand once again. Luke emerges from the water with a shake of his wet hair into the ground. He slips on his clothes despite the fact that he can't really dry off, before taking a seat beside June.

"I didn't mean for things to turn out the way they did," Luke says. He reaches out to run his fingertips across her forehead, across the worry lines that definitely shouldn't be there considering she hasn't even surpassed nineteen. "My little June- Bug."

Her hair has curled up because of the water, and Luke finds comfort in wrapping a couple strands around his finger. He makes sure to be gentle though. He doesn't pull too hard or get everything all tangled. No. He coaxes her into his lap so he can

wrap his arms around her. Then, he can play with her hair even more while holding her tight, as if he's got the entire universe in his arms. (In a way, he does).

"You changed my life," he says.

"I know."

"Don't know where I'd be without you."

"I know."

"I wish I hadn't left."

"I wish you hadn't either."

Luke buries his head in the crook of her neck. They'd spent so many long nights in his bedroom like this, or with her sleeping right on top of him. He'd sing in her ear and she'd laugh at how his lips would tickle her skin. Sometimes neither of them would be able to fall asleep. That was usually when they'd walk out to the beach, try to remember the feel of each other while they still could.

Everyone, including Luke's mum, assumed they were a couple. From the way she would kiss his cheek whenever he gave her piggy back rides to how they refused to be less than a few inches apart from each other if they were watching movies on Luke's couch, there was no way anyone could call them just friends. Except them maybe.

There was so much going on between them that neither wanted to admit. And to this day, they both refuse to say a word.

"How's school going?" June starts to play with Luke's fingers.

"Hm?"

"School."

"Oh, it doesn't matter. Don't really wanna talk about that."

"What do you want to talk about then?"

"Us."

"How about we talk while we walk? I've got somewhere I need to show you." June gets up from the ground, dusting stand off the back of her legs. Luke follows close behind as she walks towards the road.

Her shoes dangle from her fingers; she walks barefoot on the rough tar. Luke tells her repeatedly that she probably shouldn't be doing that, but she pays no attention to his constant comments. She keeps on walking towards this patch of land almost completely covered by trees.

There's this short path blocked by a gate, a "No entrance" sign hung up on it. She climbs over the metal and continues down the path, but stops when she doesn't hear footsteps behind her.

"You coming?" She turns around and tries to look everywhere but him, because looking into his eyes at the moment is going to make her want to fall right into them.

"June, is this like, legal?"

"Not even a little bit."

Luke kind of has to follow her now. Watching her disappear into the woods makes his stomach knot up, and if he let her walk to who knows where all by herself, it'd remind him too much of the same thing he did after graduation. So he follows her. He holds her hand. He tries to guide her over vines and fallen trees. Alas, it seems as if he's the one who needs the guiding. June acts like she's done this a billion times over.

The canopy above June and Luke blocks out all traces of sunlight. It makes it difficult to keep track of each other. June has to open her mouth to stop herself from panicking about the darkness.

"You said you wanted to talk about us?" She shivers. It's not cold.

"I wanted to know what happened to, well, perfect. It used to be you and me against the world, and now we're just fighting the whole Universe on our own. Separately." Leaves crunch under his feet. "I'd always imagined us going to the same University, meeting up at each other's dorms and watching old movies like we've always done. We'd be able to get an apartment together after that too. I'd wake you up by trying to make pancakes and accidentally burning down the kitchen or something like that. But I know you'd still eat my food."

"Why did you let yourself think that?"

"Because you mean the world to me, Junie. Couldn't imagine a life without you in it."

"Yet you managed to make one."

"I didn't mean to and you know that."

"But you still did, Luke! You forgot all about me, about everything I told you. About how damn scared I was, all the time. You completely erased me from your life!"

"June, you know I love you."

"Stop!" She screams so loud that the birds flee from their homes. "Stop lying to me. Stop trying to make things okay, Luke. They'll never be okay."

"How do you know that?"

She turns around. A pocket of light creeps out of the trees. They're almost there.

"I just do."

Her feet begin to work on the ground, running towards this huge cliff peering over the beach. Usually, she'd come here to listen to the waves and dangle her legs over the edge. She didn't come now to do either of those things.

"June!"

"Do you know how it feels, Luke? To be kicked out of the home you've known for literal years, with nowhere else to go? To watch kids get out of that home, while you only stayed in the same place? To fall in love with this beautiful, beautiful guy, only to find out that he didn't want you, along with every other couple that came in and out of your life? Do you know how it feels to be gone and still on this Earth?"

She takes a few steps backwards.

"June I, please. No."

"Of course you don't know." She says as the wind blows in her direction and makes her body sway. "And I hope you never do."

"We can fix this, please please please. Think about what you're leaving behind. You can't just give up on this, you've still got a life to live."

"Luke," She tries not to smile pitifully at his comment. Instead, she turns to look at the waves below, crashing against jagged rocks. "I want you to know that nothing can take this away from us. Even if these might have been the absolute darkest days of my life, I'm glad I spent them with you."

"Don't leave me here, June-Bug. Please don't."

"I'm not leaving you, Luke." She takes another step towards the edge. "I'm not leaving because I know you'll always remember who I was. So this isn't goodbye. I just wasn't meant for this life. I love you more than words can describe."

"Then how can you let this go wrong? Love can't go wrong."

She takes a deep breath. She tries to keep his face in her mind as she clenches her eyes shut. She tries to imagine melting into the air and becoming a part of the world, so Luke could never let go of her. And with that thought, she drifts away, weightless, not a single care in the world.

fin.