The next morning is spent delivering monologues in Hejae's class. He emphasizes the importance of owning a character.

"You can't con someone if you don't believe it yourself."

I'm pretty sure I earn some points with Hejae when I volunteer to go first, and deliver a nearly flawless portrayal of a Queen Gorgo asking her senate to send aide to their king, who is defending their nation with only a small band of warriors. At least, he claps and smiles when I finish.

After lunch, we meet Kiira in the cave mouth. She tells us we'll be swimming in some real life conditions, and today will give us a good idea of what a future in the Rescue division could be like.

I'm pretty confident swimming is not for me, but I know it's a great skill to have in my arsenal no matter what job I take, just as acting will be.

We take the shuttle that brought us to the mountain down to a pull off with a trail leading into the woods. As soon as I step off, I can hear rushing water.

It is a grueling double session. Wick must have been a born Rescuer to have enjoyed this. We take turns swimming from the dock halfway across the pool and "rescuing" a fellow recruit from the waterfall.

I cough as water fills my lungs while I struggle to stay afloat in the churning water near the base of the falls. It's not deep here, but the goal is to not touch the bottom and keep our heads above water. Easier said than done with the angry water jerking me around.

I drink more water waiting for my Rescuer, a brawny boy from Kaz's floor, to reach me. My arms and legs feel numb from treading rough water for so long. Finally, he nears me. He practically dislocates my shoulder when he grabs my arm to bring me back.

I do not look forward to my turn "saving" someone. In fact, if Iskren hadn't promised death should I fail, I would probably quit right now. Another example of his plan backfiring. We finally reach the dock where the others wait. I think I drank a whole gallon of lake water, and I cough up as much as I can while still taking time to breathe.

Kaz grins at me while he shakes out his arms, preparing for his rescue swim.

"Funny, you have less of a damsel-in-distress and more of a drowned-cat-thing going on than I would have expected," he says.

I'm still struggling with breathing normally, so I take a page out of Eveia's book and lift my middle finger.

I've never done this before, and the thrill of doing something so scandalous excites me. I know it is an outdated gesture, and I'm not even sure exactly what it stands for, but I've seen enough kids get in trouble with the elders in our community over one simple finger movement, so I know it must be inappropriate.

I wonder if Kaz knows its meaning, or just takes it as the "leave me be" sign Eveia usually uses it for. He just winks at me. Unhelpful. I'm too embarrassed to ask him, especially in class. What if I'm the only one who's never learned it?

There is only a small splash when Kaz cuts into the water, his dive a perfectly arched movement. I envy his power as his arms slice the waves, propelling him quickly towards Caither, his "damsel in distress".

I find myself hoping she has a "drowned-cat-thing" as well, and wonder at the feeling. I know I'm desirable; I am Viry, after all. I've never worried a man might not find me attractive. But with Kaz, I just can't tell his attitude towards me. I know we're friends, and I know he enjoys my company. Sometimes he looks at me in a way that makes me feel like my stomach has squeezed into a ball and started bouncing around my ribcage.

Then other times he treats me as if I'm a little sister, a good friend, but not a woman worthy of being Chosen, as Wick seems to have Chosen Eveia. Kaz speaks of Briar being in love with me as if it's no big deal to him. He asked about Milo so coolly, even wondering if Milo would want me even though I'd joined the Kuzabn.

I feel like these topics should inspire the same feelings I've encountered recently. Like my heart imploded. Making me wish unnecessarily bad things on decent people. I don't know much about love, and I know nothing of the Choosing process of the Obichny, but I believe my sudden desire for Caither to drown may be related. Especially considering I only wished this after noticing her arms around Kaz's chest.

What is wrong with me?

                                                                                                 *

We all have floor meetings first thing after breakfast Thursday morning. Hejae writes the schedule of events for the following day, our first Performance Review, on the board:

8:30-10: Weapons Mastery

10:15: Swim/Race

12:00: Lunch

1:30: Tap Out Begins

He passes out individual schedules before explaining any of the items listed. When I receive mine, I see it is more detailed:

8:30: G2, Slot 5

10:15: Slot 82

~2:15: G1 (Sub 4), Slot 4, Position 11, Persy Bangor

"Okay, ladies and gents." Hejae circles back to the board and points to the first item. "Breakfast is served until 8. Make sure you're in U-Gym by 8:15 to receive your weapons and find your slot. Your papers have your position for each event listed."

He moves around to the front of his desk and hops up to sit on it. "You'll get five knives and ten arrows, and you'll have to prove your worth with them. Then you'll all undergo a simulation in which you will put the skills to use in a real-life setting. Questions about the first task?"

No one raises a hand.

"Next, you'll be shuttled down to the lake," Hejae says. "You'll find your slot again, and at the flare you'll race your fellow recruits across the pool, up the trail, and into the Welcome Cave. Once you've recorded your name and position, you may go to lunch. Any questions?"

Again, no one raises a hand. Although the tasks themselves seem daunting, the execution is pretty straightforward.

After lunch, our final task is a grappling session in Sub-Gym. I'm in the fourth group, number eleven to fight. And I will be fighting Persy. Rune's roommate. The stocky boy who speaks in grunts, whom my memory has warped into a giant ogre. I'm so sure I will die tomorrow that I can feel a lump forming in my throat. Maybe Iskren will get his wish after all.

"The fight goes until one of you falls unconscious, someone taps out, or a floor leader calls for a cease in fighting," Hejae clarifies.

Apparently someone else is concerned with fatality as much as I am. I'm relieved to know I can stop the fight with a tap of my hand, or by blacking out, whichever comes first, I guess.

Then Hejae passes out a booklet just under an inch thick. "These are all the jobs available to ranked Kuzabn. Before your Review, you will submit your top two floor choices, based on what you hope your future career with the Kuzabn will be. Depending on your rankings and the trainers' input, you will be placed on one of your chosen floors." His eyes lock on mine for a moment, and they're full of acceptance, as if telling me I've earned his respect and I deserve to stay on his floor. I'm pleased to have won him over, but then I think of how much I enjoy my weapons sessions. How it's seemed like Briar's been on my side since the beginning.

"You will get the next two weeks to explore more specific components in these areas," Hejae goes on. "After the next rankings, we trainers will choose your placement. Some of you will move to other areas, learn other skills, and others may stay in their chosen field. After the final rankings, you will choose your own area of expertise, and an available job in a more specific division of said area."

We spend the rest of the session reading through the booklet.

"Technology Recovery Team?" Eveia reads aloud. "That'd be kind of cool. That's what Kiira was talking about our first day."

"Really?" I say. "I couldn't tell from the name."

"Shut up." She flips the page.

"It might be cool to be a trainer," I say. "Maybe if all the floor leaders move on, we could train new recruits!" I scan the page about training. "I don't know if I'd be comfortable leading others when I would have only just become Kuzabn myself, though."

Eveia leans over and reads my book. "You would train for 3 more years under the current trainer and his or her trainer, so that when you took on your own group, you would know your stuff, donkey." She jabs her finger at the page. "Maybe you shouldn't be a leader; you can't even finish reading the description of the job."

"Yeah, now that I think about it, I wouldn't want that kind of responsibility anyway." I flip to the next page.

We have a free training session next. Eveia and I stop at our room to drop off the books before continuing up to U-Gym. Wick is already waiting with four bows and an armful of arrows. Once Kaz joins us, we practice for a little while. I throw some knives too, just to be sure I've still got the touch down.

After lunch, Kaz offers to help me with grappling. I feel better about facing Persy after some extra practice, but about an hour into it, I'm tired of fighting. I want a break from training, just like most everyone else is taking. I remember the rocky beach beneath the pool deck's cliffs.

"I'm going to that beach we saw the other day."

Kaz shakes his head. "You're crazy. There's probably a reason they don't advertise that place."

He follows me out of Shark's gym and up the stairs anyway.

When we get to the open air, the sun is shining in a brilliant blue sky. There isn't a cloud in sight. I find the path and scamper down it easily enough, hopping from rock to rock. Kaz is more cautious, easing one leg out while the other stays firmly planted.

"Long way down if you fall," he calls to me.

It's not so much long as it would be painfully laced with jutting rocks. I don't point this out to him.

I make it to a large, flat boulder just fine and wait for Kaz to make the rest of his descent.

"It's so pretty out here." I go right to the edge of our rock and sit, my legs over the side, hanging over nothing but ocean. Occasionally a wave will crash against the side of the mountains and splash up.

I take off my training boots and socks.

"What are you doing?" Kaz sounds like he thinks I'm going to jump in.

"I just want to feel the ocean."

I climb slowly down to the next nearest level, testing with my big toe first to make sure the rock isn't too slippery.

"I'm not going in after you, Nadia." He crosses his arms.

"I'm not going all the way." I crouch at the edge as a wave rolls towards me. "I just want to—"

It smashes against my rock, slapping me in the face and landing me on my backside.

"Are you okay?" Kaz is already trying to find a safe way down to me.

I pull my sleeve across my face. "Well played, ocean." I'm surprised at the salty taste in my mouth. I guess I had assumed the water would be just like the lake water. I stand and move back to the rock Kaz is still easing down. "Oh, go back. I'm fine. Don't want you to get stuck down here."

It's a somewhat harder time to get back up, but Kaz is there to pull me the rest of the way. We lay side by side on the flat rock, me drying in the warm light.

A cloud rolls toward the sun. Funny, it had been so clear when we first came out.

"Sometimes I wonder if you really have a death wish." Kaz breaks the silence.

"Of course not." I turn my head to look at him. He keeps his eyes on the clouds.

"You had to touch the water." He blows out a breath and says quietly, "You take a razor blade in the shower with you."

So here it is. I think I knew, deep down, we'd have to talk about it. My scars bothered him too much the first time I showed him.

"Sometimes I need to bleed just to feel alive. To feel anything other than..." Other than what? Other pain? I don't even know what I expect will happen if I don't do it. Just that it has to be done.

"What are you so afraid of facing, that that seems to be the only solution?"

I think of the times my need to cut is the strongest. When I'm angry. Or uncomfortable. I don't answer his question exactly.

"The more it hurts, the better it feels when I stop. So how can I stop? Take away the pain, and you take away the relief, too."

Kaz turns to look at me. I'm afraid of what he might say.

But he just smiles. "You're kind of complicated."

"You're no picnic yourself." I grin back.

--------------------------------------------

So, Nadia, does she have feelings for Kaz?

Do you think he reciprocates?

Til next time,

x zuz