One week passed.

In only one week their relationship evolved completely. Yoongi learned a lot about the mystery that was Kim Taehyung. But with every new thing that he learned, came another one that was still confusing or unexplainable to him. Kim Taehyung was far more than just the shy kid he had seen when he first laid eyes on him. He had the most precious smile in the whole world. When Yoongi actually got him to laugh or smile for real his usually steady heart fluttered and his pale cheeks were heating up. Taehyung's lips would pull up into a form that resembled a box, exposing rows of straight white teeth, his whole body would seem to ooze energy, it was like he forgot the world around him for a moment and it was beautiful. Yoongi learned that Taehyung would love to have a dog but he was too afraid to walk outside alone so his parenzs declined his request. Maybe it was also because the younger wasn't even able to take care of plants but how should Yoongi know? Of course he got the younger to accompany him on his walks with Holly, it was easier for him too, having someone by his side. He got used to Taehyung's real voice. In the beginning it sounded higher, airy, kind of breathy and he was always quiet, whispering into the room, always looking like he was afraid to disturb the silence. And now he was talking like a waterfall, words flowing unstoppable over his lips. His voice was deep, deep and loud. It made Yoongi proud that the younger already trusted him enough to speak like he clearly wanted to. Yoongi got used to the real Taehyung. He stopped fidgeting as much, wasn't pressing his nails into his skin anymore, didn't leave crescent marks on his hands, now it looked like he was only playing mindlessly with his fingers. His legs weren't jumping all the time anymore and he wasn't avoiding looking in Yoongi's direction anymore, sometimes they even held eye contact for a few seconds. It made Yoongi feel special. Feeling special was great. He looked forward to seeing Taehyung everyday.

But mysteries still remained. He was still wondering about the younger's strange eating behaviour, didn't know about the wounds on his body, why he was scratching at his skin all the time.

Taehyung was there in the morning but he had to leave before lunch because apparently the Kim's were visiting family today. Yoongi didn't know what to do the whole day, no Taehyung to entertain himself. He first noticed how much he had depended on Taehyung's company the last days and he felt... lonely. He missed him. It was a... new feeling. Of course he had felt lonely before but despite that he had never missed the contact to other humans. And here he was, getting all sad and emotional because Taehyung wasn't there the whole day. In the evening he went down and found his mother in the kitchen. She just finished a call and then slumped down at the table, exhaustion making her wrinkles look deeper. "Who was that?" he asked and searched for something edible in the fridge. A quest that barely left survivors.

"Taehyung's mother."

"What did she want?"

"Talk." His mother sighed, ruffling her hair. He noticed the gray strands. "She just wanted to talk. It was a stressful day for her. It's not easy having a kid like Taehyung."

"It's not easy having any kid." Yoongi deadpanned.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah," he chuckled but there was no happiness in it. "I do. It's not easy having me either, right?"

She just looked at him, eyes filled with sadness and pleading. She didn't answer his question. "Taehyung is... special in more ways than one, sometimes in too many. It's not easy for her but she tries. She really tries." Her eyes seemed to scream Like me. Yoongi swallowed thickly.

"What's up with him anyway? Why is he so special?" His mother sighed, rubbing her face once again. She looked tired, it made her seem older than she really was.

"Taehyung is... He has social anxiety, uhm, almost just like you-"

"I've already noticed that, it's pretty obvious. But there is more right? He has not just social anxiety. I mean, what about his eating? He doesn't really eat uhm normally? What's up with that?" His mother just shrugged. "I don't know everything, I just know that he is kind of picky? I don't know. He stopped eating properly when he was a kid, just refuses to eat certain things, you should really ask him about that."

Yoongi nodded. He knew that already but he felt like they weren't close enough for that. Felt like he couldn't expect Taehyung to share his private thoughts and worries with him. "And, and what is with his skin. What's wrong with that?"

"He was born with atopic dermatits. Google it or something. It's when your skin is always really really dry, so it's always itchy, that's why he has so many wounds." She had started playing with the sleeves of her shirt a while ago, something she did often nowadays. It was a clear sign that she felt extremely uncomfortable having this conversation.

"And his arms. He hasn't said anything and I haven't seen anything but I know. I just know he has them."

"Has what?"

"These." Yoongi said and pulled his own sleeves up, exposing the scars on his arms. His mother immediatly looked away. "Yoongi, please." She begged and he sheepishly covered his arms again. "Sorry." He muttered and he really was. Of course he knew how much his mother must be suffering too, all because of him. He knew she blamed herself, parents often tended to do that but he wasn't able to tell her otherwise. He could never find the right words when it came to people he cared about. That was why he lost the special connection he had with his father when he was little, lost the great relationship he had with his brother years ago, lost the few people who actually tried to befriend him and it would also be the reason why he would lose Taehyung in the end. Because Yoongi was unable to lead a relationship of any sort, be it friendship, family or romance.

"You should go to sleep, I know you haven't slept a lot in the last nights." His mother whispered with a tired voice.

"You should go to sleep." He laughed softly and his mother gave him a warm, sincere smile. She looked tired, her expression, the dark bags under her eyes, her droopy eyelids, the way she was slumped forwards - she was tired, exhausted. Yoongi knew it was because of him and it hurt his heart but he couldn't do anything to help her, he could barely help himself.

Yoongi spent the rest of the evening watching Taehyung's window. (He swore, he wasn't a stalker!) His curtains were closed but the light was on and occasionally Yoongi could see a shadow moving. He watched until the room on the other side went black and his phone chimed, signaling a recieved text. With a fond smile he read Taehyung's Goodnight hyung! and went to bed himself, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get a decent amount of sleep.

~

Taehyung was a little busier the next days, Yoongi watched again as the younger greeted two people, friends, at his doorstep. He didn't knew who they were but he felt a tiny bit jealous when he saw how touchy feeling Taehyung was with them. But even then, as the other two boys weren't looking at him the bright and perfect smile Taehyung wore slipped of his lips. The practiced mask he wore broke, the corners of his lips pointed down, his eyes looked hollow, empty, his shoulders slumped forwards and his whole posture shrunk. His arms were wrapped around him like he needed to protect himself. That was the real him, someone that he had only showed Yoongi, not even his friends. And suddenly the older felt special again.

He understood how hard it could be to act like you really feel fine around your friends, no matter how close you were.

He had experienced the same with Hoseok, with Jin, with Namjoon. When you've been friends with someone for a long time and they had met you when you were still rather okay, the need to pretend that you're still the same grew stronger. He remembered how often he lied about his feelings, about everything, just so his friends wouldn't have to worry, wouldn't know about his misery. Because inside his head was that small evil voice, telling him that nobody would want to be friends with a depressed freak. No matter how often he had reasoned with himself that his friends were different, nothing could mute the tiny voice of doubt. And in the end he had pushed all of them away because no matter how hard he would try, they knew him amd the slightest crack in his facade would expose him. He couldn't have risked that.

Taehyung and him kept in contact through texts, waved at each other when their gazes would meet through the windows of their houses but Taehyung didn't come over and Yoongi also stayed home. Well, most of the time. Today was one of those days again. Time to waste another sixty minutes of his life on an uncomfortable stool in front of a guy with a notepad, glasses that were too big for his face and a blank expression.

Because he didn't have more important things to do, right?

Yoongi sat in front of his therapist, head turned away from him and gaze focused on the cars that were moving outside of the window. He hated it. Why did he even bother coming here? Why did this guy even bother having him here? Yoongi had his fifth session today and he still hadn't said a word to the man. Starting to talk with the doctors in the psychiatry took him pretty long too, talking to any other patient even more but in the end he had managed but with this guy he was still only at the starting line. He kept his mouth shut even though he kind of wanted to talk. Sometimes that urge became almost too much but just like his feelings, he swallowed it down again.

"You won't talk today either?" The doctor asked. Yoongi stayed still. The other man sighed and put his glassed down. "You don't look good today." He said, making Yoongi huff. "But last week," he pushed the glasses back on his nose. "Last week you looked a little more... lively. I'm sure something happened and I would love it if you talked even a little bit about it with me." He smiled now, a practiced smile that was meant to reassure Yoongi but only freaked him out a little.

He sighed deeply and turned his body to face the therapist whose eyes widened, like he hadn't expected any reaction at all. Well, usually he wouldn't have gotten one. "I talked to a boy that I like. He's a bit like me."

The doctor started writing on his notepad, suddenly looking way more eager than in the beginning of the session. "When you say that he's 'a bit like you', what do you mean by that?"

Therapists and ther fucking tons of unnecessary questions. "I mean," Yoongi drawled. "That he isn't normal either. He's a lot like I was before I tried to kill myself. I think he's on the same way but I'm not sure how far. I already said I like him, he's good, but he's destroying himself just like I am destroying myself. I don't want him to end up like me. I just want him to be happy, to smile all the time." The therapist nodded, pen writing in an inhuman speed on the paper. Then he suddenly looked up, fixing Yoongi with a sharp look.

"Don't you think that is selfish?" Yoongi raised an brow in confusion. "Wanting him to be happy and smiling all the time? Don't you think it's selfish to reduce a person to only one emotion just because we want it and it may be easier or helpful for us? Of course you only want the best for him but he's a human. Nobody is only one emotion. I understand what you mean but you should reconsider your wording. You don't want him to be happy all the time, you want him to overcome or to deal with his depression. You don't want to see him suffer anymore but he'll still be a person who isn't always happy because he can't. Because no one can do that, do you get what I'm trying to say?"

Yoongi stared a little dumfounded ahead. Slowly he nodded. He understood what his therapist meant. It really was selfish to want Taehyung to always feel only one emotion, even if that emotion was happiness.

"You see," the therapist asked. "What emotions would you want to feel after you're over your depressive phase?"

Yoongi pulled his brows together in confusion. "I..." he trailed off, not knowing what the man really wanted from him. "Well," his therapist elaborated. "If I would ask you to tell me how you would want to feel after you're no longer depressed, you wouldn't tell me that you'd always feel happy, would you?"

Yoongi slowly shook his head, realization settling in. "I don't want to feel happy all the time. I want all emotions, because all are important for the different aspects of life... I want happiness, sadness, hope, fear, anger... I want to feel everything not just one, every one is important but they need to be balanced. I need a ceratin amount of every one, I don't want my life to be controlled by only one emotion."

His therapist nodded with a small smile. "You don't want that the life of this boy is controlled by only one emotion, even if it's happiness?" The younger man nodded, gears still turning in his head, trying to comprehend what he just got told.

"Great. So,... You like the boy. You like being around him, right?" Yoongi nodded. "It makes you happy having someone who understands how you're feeling." It wasn't a question but Yoongi nodded despite that. "So, you feel better being with the boy. Does he lift your mood?" A nod, again. "And that was the reason you seemed a little livelier last week, but this week this liveliness is gone again. Did you meet him in the last days?"

"He lives across the street but I wasn't in direct contact with him in the past days. I think I miss him? But this is dumb... I mean, not like I'll be able to keep him." Yoongi swallowed the thightening in his throat, it actually felt a little good talking to someone who wasn't judging. But it still made him extremely uncomfortable.

"And what do you mean by that?" The therapist asked yet again. He had stopped writing and was now looking at Yoongi expectantly. "Well, looking at my past kind of proves to me that I'm unable to lead any kind of relationship with anyone. I mean, in the end I drive everyone away. I pushed my brother until he completely vanished from my life, I struggled so much against every friend I ever made that I made them give up on me one day. I've never had any romantic relationship, not that anyone would want anything from an emotional wreck like me. I can't keep other people close to me... I don't want Taehyung to leave me... but I know that I'll lose him one day. And that it'll be my fault but I still want him around me, even though it's selfish and I know that I'll hurt him sooner or later..."

"It's not selfish wishing for something that makes you happy to stay with you. It's selfish to make the decision on your own. There is more than one person in every relationship, you can't decide everything alone. If that boy wants to stay by your side it will be selfish of you if you refuse this only because you think you will push him away in the end."

"But what if I do?"

"But what if you don't?" Yoongi stayed silent. "But this isn't the only reason you seem so down, am I right?" He nodded, fucking therapists knowing almost freaking everything.

"I've been thinking about dying again... a lot." He swallowed thickly. "I mean, the suicidal thoughts are always there, they never left but I could ignore them just fine but... I don't know why, but now I'm looking at anything and I think about ways of killing myself with it. Like, I see a car and think wow, I could die so easily if it would just run me over. I don't want to kill myself anymore but... but the thought is so tempting and I hate that. I tell myself it's alright because I would never try to commit again but thinking about it doesn't hurt, right? Only that it does. I... I almost cut myself this morning... and the last time I did that was almost three months ago!"

His therapist nodded thoughtful. "You said 'don't want anymore', I want you to think about the reason why you can now use the word 'anymore'. What changed your way of thinking?"

Yoongi turned his head to look out of the window again. A lonely snowflake was dancing through the air right in front of his eyes.

He knew the answer. A bright smile showed up in his mind.

~

Yoongi saw Taehyung again the same day, the first snow of december fresh on the ground. It was barely over a week until Christmas and Yoongi had been only home for twenty minutes – after the therapy session his mother dragged him along to buy presents – when someone was excitedly knocking on his door or like he would say it, almost breaking the wood with the strong pounds. With a groan Yoongi peeled himself off of his bed again and opened the door.

Taehyung stood there, wearing a coat that might be too thin for this weather, gigantic boots and a scarf that might have been knitted by a color blind person. Like really?! Who the fuck combined those colors?! But his cheeks and nose had also a red tinge, his eyes almost sparkled and his soft hair was full of tiny snowflakes. He looked adorable and Yoongi's heart did not flutter. It fucking didn't! And he wasn't affected at all by Taehyung's cuteness. Not at all! His cheeks were only getting red from the cold, something that didn't quite match with the sudden warmth that spread through him. So maybe he had missed Taehyung, so what? People missed other people when they liked them. Not that Yoongi liked Taehyung. Well, of course he did but he didn't like like him. Or did he...? Maybe... a tiny weeny bit? But how could he not?! Taehyung was like perfect? Like how the fuck did he do that? How?

While Yoongi was still freaking out about his fast beating heart Taehyung was looking at him weirdly. The older was quick to search for anything that was stuck on his face that would get the other to stare so hard at him but there wasn't anything. Shit, he thought, did he say something?

"What?" Yoongi asked, glad that at least his voice wasn't having a mental breakdown and decided to sound normal. "I said," the younger whined, already grabbing Yoongi and pulling him half outside. "Let's build a snowman!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Yoongi got rid of the other's hand and went back inside, now with wet and ice cold feet. "I can't go out without anything you fucking idiot. And how are you going to build a snowman without gloves? Your hands will fall off." Taehyung looked down at his fingers, they were already red, he really hadn't thought this through. "And a snowman? How old are we?"

But as soon as Yoongi saw the crushed expression on Taehyung's face, he was quick to agree with his idea of playing in the snow like freaking elementary schoolkids. He couldn't stand the other being sad. So he went inside and got dressed in the biggest coat he could find, wrapped a scarf around himself that was probably twice his height long, a woolen hat on top of his hair and warm gloves on his hands. He searched for another pair of gloves to give to Taehyung but didn't find any. So he pulled one of his off again, holding it in front of Taehyung's face. "Here," he said, not looking at the other and ignoring the violent beating of his heart. "We can share." Taehyung beamed.

So, they started building a snowman in front of Yoongi's house, both with only one glove but they didn't really feel the cold. For Yoongi it was the happiness that he saw on Taehyungs face that kept him warm inside, made his hart beat faster and his cheeks red. The younger looked so happy, so genuine happy and Yoongi's bad mood almost vanished. It still stayed, hanging over him like a dark cloud but it didn't let it rain on him. Taehyung was so immersed in his work that he didn't even notice it when Yoongi stopped helping and just observed the younger. The older remembered why he hated going out as a kid, at least Taehyung wasn't as evil as his older brother and hadn't showered him in the cold wet snow, yet. Taehyung's nose was red and his left hand looked like it was about to freeze off but the smile on his lips was real and Yoongi must have been mad if he would disturb the younger in this moment of happiness. With a sigh he looked down the streets and caught sight of a few of their neighbours who were looking at them disapprovingly trough their windows. Gosh, he hated this goddamn place. He hated everything here, well, everything but Taehyung.

"Let's go inside." He said, trying to shield Taehyung from the judging glares. "I need your help with something."

"You do?!"