he finds jin's number on yoongi's phone, can barely get the story out without choking on his tongue. the paramedics hadn't let him into the ambulance, claimed he was too distraught and yoongi's condition too serious.

for lack of anyone else to call, he'd called his aunt and she'd driven him to the hospital, sat with him in the waiting room and backed him up when he demanded to know what was going on. if yoongi was still alive. in their own time, what seemed like hours upon hours later, they'd come out and told him that his condition was stable. jungkook had sighed in relief, breathing coming easier with the knowledge.

'jungkook,' eunmi said carefully, when the doctor skitters off someplace else. 'we should tell your parents about this.'

jungkook's stomach flips. 'you promised you wouldn't tell them anything!' his aunt shushes him as he raises his voice but jungkook couldn't care less about the people staring at this point. 'he's the only friend i have. they'll never let me see him again if they know.'

'maybe that's for the best.'

'i'll never forgive you,' jungkook hisses. 'please, auntie. don't tell them.'

eunmi levels him with a long look before sighing, promising not to say anything. 'but you better keep me updated, jeon jungkook. if something like this happens again, i need to know.'

so jungkook agrees and he goes home that night and acts like everything's okay. he texts with jin and coordinates for him to pick him up the next day and when that day rolls by, he waves his parents off with the lie of heading to school and instead meets jin outside and they drive to the hospital in silence.

taehyung isn't there. jungkook doesn't ask but jin says something about him wanting to wait until yoongi was out of the hospital.

'hospital's make him uncomfortable,' jin says.

jungkook really couldn't give less of a shit. hospital's don't make anyone comfortable, that doesn't mean you avoid them when your friend almost dies.

'jimin's coming later on today,' jin says, noticing jungkook's irritation. 'that should be good. he's good for lightening the mood.'

jungkook has to keep from rolling his eyes. he doesn't want to lighten the mood. he doesn't want much of anything except to see yoongi and make sure he's okay.

they get to the hospital and hole up in the waiting room, waiting for visiting hours to open, jin tries to make small talk, asks about school, (jungkook's grades were steadily getting better, but he's been skipping assignments over the past couple weeks) asks about art (jungkook hasn't drawn anything he's liked since sanctum). conversations about things with friends end awkwardly for both of them when jungkook blatantly tells jin he doesn't have any. they end up sitting in silence. jungkook looks up and counts the tiles in the ceiling and fiddles with his fingers.

they sit there for a long time, long enough that the smell of bleach drills it's way into jungkook's head and leaves him with a migraine from hell. he excuses himself under his breath and heads outside for some fresh air.

the sky's overcast, and people swarm past him, ducking in and out of the hospital doors. jungkook stands off to the side and stares at the ground, tries not to think too much about yoongi's pale face, the vomit smeared from his lips, sunken cheeks, brittle bones...

'jungkook.'

he looks up at the sound of his name, seeing jimin staring at him. he almost didn't recognise the elder's voice, the lack of cheer rendering it different, lower in a way. jimin steps up to him and it's the first time jungkook's ever seen him without a smile in place. he looks wrecked, like he hasn't slept all night. jungkook probably looks about the same, he feels like he's been punched in the face and is only now recovering from the numbness, he's slipped into shock from the whole thing.

jimin licks his lips, hands buried deep in his pockets. 'is he okay?'

is he okay?

god, is anything?

'he's alive,' jungkook says. 'jin's waiting to see him, i just came out here to meet you, i guess. the smell in there was making me sick.'

jimin nods once, eyes shifting across jungkook's face. 'is taehyung here?'

'no,' jungkook says, feeling his fists clench. 'he wanted to wait until he's out of the hospital.'

'yeah, okay. that makes sense. hospital's freak him out.'

jungkook doesn't want to be here. doesn't want to be making stilted small talk with a guy who looks downright strange without a smile fixated in place. kicking his shoe against the concrete, jungkook sighs and cocks his head at the car-lot.

'hoseok-hyung with you?'

'nah. i left him with the others, felt weird for him to be here too.' jimin exhales a breath of air, blows bangs off his face. 'you wanna go in? or we could wait out here, if you're still feeling ill.'

jungkook's pretty sure he'd feel a rush of fondness if it weren't for the numbness in his veins.

'let's go in,' he says, 'visiting hours might've opened. we could see him.'

so they go in, down the white corridors past the scuttling nurses with little to smile about. jin's not in the waiting room anymore, jimin asks for yoongi's room number and they carry on through the wards, until they catch sound of jin and just like the serious tone jimin had used earlier, he's speaking in a voice jungkook isn't used to. he sounds angry, furious even, and it's so different from the tentative words he'd been using this morning that jungkook grabs jimin by the arm, holding him taut in place. jimin turns back to look at him, confusion creasing his brow, but he sees the look in jungkook's eyes and relaxes, eyes darting to the door.

jungkook leads them up to the door, out of sight, but well within ear-shot. the two of them stand outside the door and listen in, jungkook's heart rate quickening at the rage in jin's voice.

'—scared the shit out of me!' jin hisses. 'out of everyone, yoongi, what the fuck were you thinking?'

'are you seriously accusing me of wanting to end up here, jin?' yoongi's voice is a rasp and jungkook's tempted to go in and tell jin to lay off because this is the last thing yoongi needs, but he's stuck in place. 'this is the fucking worst. i'm behind schedule, the food's shit, my nurse is a fucking demon, and now i have to put up with your shit as well. if i wanted to die, i'd have done a much more thorough job.'

'don't joke about things like that.'

'who's joking?' yoongi snaps. 'look we're always talking about my shit, hyung, why don't we talk about yours instead, huh? let's get all up in personal with your hero complex and how you feel the need to insert yourself into people's lives and fix their shit so you can fulfil your self-righteous quota for the year.' jungkook can hear the grin in yoongi's voice, it must look manic on his face. 'oh, did i hit the mark? i feel like i hit the mark.'

'i'm not the one in hospital,' jin grits out. 'don't turn this around on me, yoongi.'

'why not? it's what you do all the time. i don't know anything about you, so why should i have to tell you what's going on with me.'

'so you admit that something is going on then?'

yoongi's laugh doesn't sound like a laugh so much as a wheezing gasp of his lungs fighting for air. 'the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? fuck off, jin. i'm fine.'

'god you're full of shit,' jin hisses. footsteps sound towards them and the boys scatter away from each other. jin barely gives them a second look, though his face is flushed with anger and his eyes have a noticeable sheen to them.

'seokjin-hyung!' jungkook calls and the elder freezes, turns back around slowly. there's a strained smile on his face when he looks at them and jungkook can't bring himself to recuperate.

'i just need some fresh air,' jin tells him. 'hospital smell, yeah?'

he darts off before they can get any more questions in and disappears behind unfamiliar bodies and masked faces.

'jesus,' jimin whispers, running his fingers through his hair. he heaves out a sigh, before gathering himself up and fixing a smile in place. jungkook watches him transform from something honest and raw to the jimin he knows, carefree and grinning.

'there he is!' jimin calls, smiling like a million dollars as he steps into the room, jungkook sucks in a deep breath before following after him, smothering any irritation or nervousness bubbling up inside him—

—only to have it rekindle the second his eyes hit yoongi's pale form, seeming to mould into the bed with the frailty of him. jungkook doesn't want to be melodramatic, but yoongi doesn't look a sight better than he did curled up on that carpet, the only real difference he can see at the moment is the lack of vomit smeared across his mouth, and the tubes and wires hooked up to him. he's got a smile that looks more like a grimace on his face, and it falters the second his gaze flicks to jungkook, catching the unguarded shock in the younger's expression.

there's something there, something jungkook can't place with the rush of blood in his ears but it only lasts a brief moment before the illusion comes back down.

'you look like shit!' jimin's bright voice cuts in and yoongi's eyes flick away, a smirk twitching the corner of his mouth. 'hard-out night, huh?'

'afternoon, actually,' jungkook finds himself saying, before yoongi can get a word past his lips. he sees jimin give him this look, doesn't know what it's meant to convey exactly and can't find himself caring. yoongi's looking at him again, expression unreadable and jungkook steps up to the bed.

'are you okay, hyung?'

yoongi eyes him, expression still steely as ever. he licks his chapped lips and looks out the window, squinting at the overcast light dribbling in through the blinds.

'sure,' he says, 'just can't wait to get out of here.'

'shouldn't be long til you are!' jimin says, 'another day maybe that you can get off your lazy ass and start working again!'

jungkook's heart gives a sharp jolt. a warning. he remembers back to a couple of days ago, listening to yoongi's self-deprecating words. jimin doesn't know what he's saying, not really, but jungkook still notices the quick intake of breath yoongi makes, the way his lips pinch.

'or you could rest?' jungkook says, voice slightly strained. 'you have every reason to do so. you could just lay back for a while, take some time out.'

'nah,' yoongi says, shaking his head. 'straight back into it i reckon. this is just a little road bump. no need to take anymore time out then i have already.'

jungkook bites his tongue to keep from arguing and he can only stand five more minutes of dismissive jokes before he's heading out of the cramped room and out into the hallway.

hospital smell.

two days later, yoongi goes home under strict doctor's orders not to push himself too hard and to rest for as long as he can.

orders he ignores entirely.

jin is staying with him, whilst jimin's headed back, having made commitments to do a fire-show the next night. jin is frosty the entire time, doesn't do much more than cook in order to help out when he sees yoongi forsaking rest in order to work his ass off doing something or other.

when jin's in the kitchen one day, angrily scrubbing dishes from that night's dinner, jungkook goes up to yoongi's office and knocks tentatively on the door. he has a card tucked into his hand, the edges of it digging into his palm. yoongi turns on the swivel chair, eyebrows shooting up when he sees jungkook standing in the threshold.

'hey kid,' he gives jungkook a once-over. 'what's up?'

jungkook sucks in a breath, talking to yoongi's gotten trickier over the past few days, though his own mood swings have been frequent with all that's been going on, they have nothing on yoongi's who seems to switch between extremes of irritation and friendliness in the blink of an eye.

he braces himself and steps into the room, his fingers tremble as they graze yoongi's and pass across the business card.

'what's this?' the elder asks, squinting at the too small font.

'my aunt's business card. she works at a mental health clinic—'

yoongi's voice turns icy, coming out like a sudden snow storm. 'not happening.'

jungkook feels his heart plummet. 'hyung—'

'i'm not going to a shrink to talk about my goddamn feelings, okay?' yoongi snaps, storming over to the waste bucket and tossing the card inside. 'the fuck do you think i am?'

jungkook shrinks in on himself, voice small, 'i thought it could help.'

'i don't need help.'

he turns back to the computer, his knuckles white as the clinch onto the mouse.

jungkook forces out a shuddered breath. 'you could've died, hyung.'

'don't exaggerate,' yoongi snaps. 'i would've been fine.'

any other attempts jungkook makes at conversation are ignored and he leaves that night, feeling more disheartened than he ever remembers being.

a day or so later, jungkook comes over after school and finds both yoongi and jin sitting in the lounge. neither of them are talking, both just sitting there, and jungkook just knows something's gone down. he shucks his bag off and sits on the couch beside jin, pulling out homework to absently look over. none of the words make much sense, but he struggles through anyway hoping he gets something right with it.

the television is on, but no-one seems to be paying attention to it, some movie's playing but jungkook can't concentrate, too caught up in the tension in the room, smothering him with it's intensity.

when the credits roll, yoongi struggles to his feet, grunting with the effort. jin eyes him warily, but doesn't make a move to help. his lips are pinched together his eyes critical, and it's only when yoongi's legs almost give out beneath him that he speaks up, voice clipped.

'do you need help, yoongi?'

yoongi hisses between his teeth, braced over the back of the chair.

'no. i'm fine.'

jin's eyes follow him out the room, narrowing ever-so-slightly. he catches jungkook staring at him and the younger turns away, swallowing trepidation. yoongi comes back into the room a couple minutes later with a bottle of soju and something in the room snaps like an elastic band. jungkook's heart drops into his stomach, disappointment flooding his veins and jin shoots up, face red and livid.

'you're not meant to be drinking, yoongi!'

yoongi's hand fumbles for the top of the bottle, twists the cap off. 'didn't ask for your running commentary, jin.'

'for fuck's sake!' jin snaps. 'this isn't some insane power trip to me. this is your health. you're going to kill yourself.'

'don't be so fucking dramatic.'

jin's mouth falls open and jungkook fidgets, wanting desperately to say something but knowing it would do nothing more than aggravate the situation. this isn't like yoongi, he doesn't talk like this, it's horrible and makes jungkook feel a little sick watching.

yoongi raises the bottle to his lips and a strangled sound leaves jungkook's mouth.

'what the fuck is wrong with you?' jin explodes. 'i'm trying to help you, you fucking asshole. yoongi! don't fucking drink that!'

yoongi lowers the bottle with an audible groan, as if jin's nothing more than a mere fly for him to swat away.

'if you have a problem with it, you're free to leave.'

and after a moment spent staring in complete shock, jin does, storming out the door without a look back. jungkook hurries after him, watches the elder closing up his vehicle, slamming the door shut behind him. he pleads for him not to go, in a quiet voice yoongi can't hear, but it's no use.

'you told me not to leave when it got tough,' jungkook hisses at him, betrayal running thick in his blood. 'you told me that.'

jin can't leave. he can't. what if yoongi drinks too much again? how is he supposed to stop it happening and help him before it spirals out of hand? jungkook is eighteen years old. he doesn't know what he's doing. he's not prepared to deal with this on his own.

'well maybe i was wrong,' jin says, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. 'nothing can be done until he gets help.'

'we could help him.'

'if he wants my help, he can ask for it,' jin says, with a cold sort of hardness to his voice. it softens when he sees the raw desperation in jungkook's eyes, the way his fingers clench tight around the car window. 'i'll keep in touch, jungkook. i'm sorry he dragged you into all his shit.'

and then he leaves, just like that. jungkook takes a moment to steady his frantic breathing, press pause on the voice in his head caught in a cycle of 'what do i do? what do i do?' before slipping back inside.

'is he gone?' yoongi asks, tone gruff but eyes betraying something close to vulnerability. jungkook gives a quick nod and yoongi sniffs turning back to the bottle in his hand. he raises it to his lips and takes a long drink from it before pulling away and offering it to jungkook.

'wanna drink?'

jungkook's shoulders slump and he lets out a heavy sigh, pressing his lips together.

'no, hyung,' he says. 'i'm good.'

it goes like this:

jungkook starts going to yoongi's house everyday after school, just in case. he'll walk up to the door and be so awash with anxiety he has to coach himself through breathing exercises, so he doesn't hyperventilate. he'll brace himself and open the door, call out yoongi's name and when the elder answers, the relief he feels is comparable to coming up for air after being on the cusp of drowning.

sometimes yoongi isn't drunk when jungkook arrives, most of the time he is, and jungkook hates it.

he doesn't find yoongi's giggling fits funny anymore, he finds them obnoxious and infuriating. when yoongi gets emotional and clingy, jungkook will force the elder to rest his head in his lap, do his homework over top of him whilst threading his fingers through yoongi's hair. soothing yoongi's tearless sadness that he won't—can't put explanations to. jungkook has to force him to eat, jungkook has to force him to shower, jungkook has to look out for him.

like yoongi's the child between them.

jungkook doesn't resent yoongi for this, what he resents is that he doesn't make any effort to change. because in yoongi's mind, he's fine and there's nothing wrong with him. he acts like poisoning himself day in, day out is a bad habit he hasn't gotten round to hashing out just yet, like smoking the occasional cigarette or cheating on a diet.

jungkook stares at a bottle of vodka sitting on the bench, half empty.

he stares at it, and thinks of the fist-shaped indent in the hallway wall from a couple months back. stares at it, and hears yoongi's cursing and too loud music from upstairs. stares at it, and feels his blood boil in his veins. stares at it, and rises to his feet. stares at it, and curls his fingers around it's neck and lifts it above his head and brings it crashing to the ground, shattering into thousands of tiny pieces.

the music upstairs is paused, the cursing subsides. jungkook storms over to the fridge, ignoring the shards of glass cutting into his feet and the rivulets of blood spurting onto the tiled floor. he throws the door open, eyes falling on the collection of bottles stacked inside. he grabs them by the neck two at a time and tosses them, watches the glass shatter and the liquid pour out onto the ground. the pain in his feet stings something fierce and he realises after throwing the dozenth bottle down that he's crying, frustration and helpless sadness burning at his tear ducts, pouring down his cheeks like molten lava.

a door slams open behind him, jungkook picks up another bottle and throws it down, shoulders aching from the strain.

'jungkook!' yoongi yells over the sound of glass shattering. 'have you lost your mind?'

in the deep recesses of jungkook's brain, he contemplates that he might have. he's fuelled on by a blind, unfathomable wildness and all he can do to sate it is by pick up as many bottles as he can and smash them to pieces.

he ignores yoongi as he calls out again, rage bleeding into the words like poison. jungkook's heart has never beat this fast in his life. he feels animalistic. terrified. angry. he feels crazy.

he thrashes when yoongi grabs onto him, fingers curling like talons into his bicep.

'let go of me! let go!'

'the fuck are you doin'?' yoongi tugs on his arm hard, has jungkook wincing through his teeth. 'you think you can just c'mere and throw a fuckin' tantrum like some spoilt brat?'

jungkook presses his lips together, head bowing low on instinct and he hates himself for it.

'ya!' another sharp tug, it feels like yoongi's trying to rip the limb from it's socket. 'i'm talkin' to you!'

'i didn't know how to fix it.'

'fix what, me? you thought breaking my shit would do anything?'

'you keep poisoning yourself. i don't know what to do anymore but i don't want to watch you do this to yourself.'

'no-one's fuckin' keepin' you here, jungkook. you're here on your own accord, hangin' 'round day in day out cause no-one else can be fuckin' bothered bein' around your stupid ass any longer than they have to.'

jungkook doesn't even think before he's stumbling forward, slugging yoongi in the jaw so hard his head snaps back and the rest of his body follows after. he crashes into the wall and jungkook should feel sorry, he knows he should feel sorry, but the throbbing in his hand feels a lot like satisfaction and really it's a big enough effort to not go over and kick in yoongi's stupid, holier-than-thou teeth whilst he's down.

yoongi's eyes are furious when he looks up and jungkook feels a momentary flare of panic overtake him and then he blinks and yoongi is just there, grabbing the front of his shirt and spinning him so his back smacks into the kitchen island.

he slumps to the floor, dazed and aching all over.

a moment passes in which yoongi stands over him, fists clenching and unclenching, looking like he wants to do more.

'fuck you,' jungkook mutters and he's too stunned to process the potential consequences of the words. doesn't fucking care at this stage. 'just fuck you, yoongi.'

'don't fuckin' start with me,' yoongi slurs. 'you've been wantin' to do somethin' like this all goddamn week.'

anger simmers in jungkook's veins, frustration coiling in his gut making it hard to breathe. 'this isn't just about you anymore!'

'who's it about then?' yoongi demands. 'jin? taehyung? you?'

his laugh is a weapon in itself, cold, guts him like a knife.

'yeah,' jungkook says, voice wet. 'it's about me. cause when you're cold and dead in the ground, who the fuck do i have then?'

it throws yoongi off. when he blinks the amusement slips from his lips and his eyes narrow in something not all together accusing.

'you have people, jungkook, don't give me this bullshit.'

'i don't,' jungkook says, shaking his head. 'you said it yourself, hyung. i don't have friends. no-one gave a shit about me or what i wanted. no-one ever put any worth on my feelings until you came along and i can't fucking lose that! i can't lose you.'

yoongi's hovering over him, all trace of malice gone. there's a tremble to his bottom lip and a sheen to his eyes and jungkook swears to fuck if he cries, he'll lose his goddam mind.

'you're not gonna lose me.'

'and you know that, do you?' jungkook snaps. 'i got here and you were on the floor, heart barely beating, i couldn't find your fucking pulse, hyung. i thought you were dead.'

jungkook's mortified to find himself crying, hiccuping sobs as the fear he'd felt that night rushes him like a flood.

'you think no-one cares about you,' jungkook hisses out. 'you listen to your stupid brain when it says you're not good enough, when you have hundreds of thousands of fans who love you. when you have three friends who think the world of you and me! you have me, but you won't listen!'

'you don't know what you're talking about.'

'i know that you're sick,' jungkook says. 'i know you know you're sick. i know that if you don't get help you'll die and everyone will hate it more than you hate yourself. and yeah, i know that too. i don't know why you do, i'm not sure if you do either, but despite being the fucking idiot everyone knows i am, i still see just how much you fucking hate yourself.'

he moves to get to his feet, trembling with the strain of it. yoongi steps forward to help but jungkook shakes his head vehemently.

'you'll just hurt yourself,' he says and yoongi flinches, cradling his arm to his chest like a dying animal.

'jungkook,' he says, 'i'm sorry.'

'whatever,' jungkook turns away so he doesn't have to see the raw hurt in yoongi's eyes. he makes a beeline for the backdoor and slams it shut behind him, letting the warm summer's night embrace him.