Taehyung lets out a deep sigh. Lets his head fall against the back of the couch and pinches the bridge of his nose. He feels a headache beginning to form. Hoseok sits next to him, the front of his knees pressed to his chest as he wraps his arms around his legs. Curled up like this, he looks small. Unsure of himself. It's too quiet between them and while Taehyung usually finds comfort in the presence of his friends, the space between them is tense. Hoseok hates the silence and even when things are awkward, even when bad things happen, Hoseok is always the one who breaks the ice. He makes shitty jokes, laughs nervously and smiles even when Taehyung feels like crying. But tonight—tonight he does none of that. He doesn't smile, and the radiance that his presence usually emits is muted.

Taehyung doesn't know what to say so he stares blankly at the wall instead. Jeongguk's walls that are empty and devoid of any memories. No picture frames to give any insight to snippets of his life. No family outings or high school graduation pictures. Taehyung remembers when he had teased him for coming from a rich family. He remembers the hurt in Jeongguk's voice. Now, something pungent and bitter rests on his tongue. He looks up to the ceiling; high and vaulted. Jeongguk's place is nice. Too nice for any of them to ever dream of affording, but it's also scarily empty. Immaculately clean with no personality.

It's then that the door to Jeongguk's bedroom opens and Yoongi steps out, closes the door gently behind him. He looks incredibly tired and when he walks towards the living room, his shoulders sag as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. It reminds Taehyung of the time he had come back to Daegu with stitches in his arm. Reminds him of Yoongi worried and tired, trying to keep his best friend together. He stops awkwardly in front of them, runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath.

"Is he okay?" Taehyung's the first to break the silence, voice small in the too big apartment.

"As okay as he can be after that," Yoongi says. "Kid cried himself dry and now he's out cold. Jimin's laying with him and I don't think anything could get him to budge from Guk's side."

Taehyung nods and bites his bottom lip. "I...I never thought that he could go this far."

"None of us did," Yoongi mutters.

"I don't understand," Hoseok finally speaks up, voice a little wobbly. "I know that he had some shit going on that he never really talked about, but lately he seemed so much happier. He started smiling a lot more. I thought things were okay. I thought he was okay, but I feel like there is so much I still don't know about."

Taehyung and Yoongi look at each other awkwardly. He swallows. None of this is fair towards Hoseok. He's been left in the dark for so long and while Taehyung knows that Jeongguk's worst fear was Hoseok finding out about what happened in middle school, he can't keep his mouth shut any longer.

"Hyung, I have a confession to make," he starts slowly. Tries to mentally prepare himself because Hoseok is going to be so incredibly mad at him and Taehyung knows that he may never be forgiven. He has to come clean about everything.

He can't help but feel like this is all his fault. This strange disconnect between all of his friends. The miscommunication and secrecy. When Taehyung had found out that Hoseok was friends with Jeongguk, he had ignored him for weeks. When he found out that Jimin had befriended him, they had fought. Because Taehyung was selfish and stubborn, he had robbed Jeongguk of any remaining happiness he had left, and now he has to face the consequences.

"What are you talking about?" Hoseok asks sharply.

Yoongi tenses up.

"Jeongguk is more than just an old classmate." He looks at Hoseok, feels ashamed of himself, and starts from the beginning. Starts from the first day of sixth grade and how he was an awkward and peculiar child who was never good at making friends. Tells Hoseok about how even though Jeongguk mostly ignored him at first, Taehyung had harbored a small crush on the twelve year old boy. But then he had gone and accused Taehyung of being gay before he had even known what being gay even was, and from that point on he lived with a target on his back. Jeongguk never really bothered him again, but his friends did. School became a living hell for him and he could never really tell his mom because she nearly worked herself to death just to put food on the table.

Then it came to a point where Taehyung had had enough and he just wanted it all to end. He felt like there was no place for him in the world, and he hated Jeon Jeongguk and his stupid fucking friends who bullied him because he just wasn't normal enough. Because he didn't have nice clothes and his voice was always a whisper. When he had tried to cut himself up and ended up in the hospital, Taehyung had spilled the truth to his mom through tears and she had promptly packed everything up and moved them back home to Daegu.

Truth is, it took Taehyung awhile to get over what happened. Seoul became a place of bad memories and fear, and he was bitter about it for a long time. But as he grew older, he was able to make some amazing friends who taught him how to love himself. He was able to heal and move on with his life, and while he had been angry at Jeongguk, he never blamed the other for all of his problems. He understood that they were just kids. Stupid fucking kids. But the moment he had walked into a coffee shop and seen Jeongguk, it was like every bad reminder of what it was like to be an outcast came rushing back to him and he tasted the bitterness on his tongue.

It wasn't hatred, Taehyung had gotten over that long ago, but fear. The fear that Jeongguk was still the same cruel kid that he used to be. The fear that he still saw Taehyung as weak and pathetic. The fear that he would swear at him and call him some sort of homophobic slur. Jeongguk had greeted him all awkwardly and refused to make eye contact. He had acted incredibly standoffish, as if he wanted to be as far away from Taehyung as possible, and Taehyung had made the assumption that it was because he was gay. That Jeongguk was one of those people that didn't want to breathe the same air as people like him.

Jimin had wanted to give Jeongguk a piece of his mind, was so angered by his presence that he became red in the face, but Taehyung had held him back and told him to drop it. With Jeongguk seemingly not wanting to have anything to do with Taehyung, he was sure that they wouldn't see much of him anyways. He was ready to just let it go.

But boy, was he wrong. Shortly after, he learned that Hoseok had actually taken Jeongguk under his wing, and then he was everywhere. He invaded his life, clung onto Hoseok like a fucking leech, and Taehyung felt violated. Felt betrayed by one of his best friends. He didn't want to drag Hoseok into some personal beef from years ago, so he opted to avoid the older boy and so did Jimin.

He thought that he could always rely on Jimin to have his back, but when Jimin began sneaking around Taehyung suspected that he had finally hooked up with Hoseok. That's until he discovered that Jeongguk had somehow managed to worm his way into Jimin's heart. It was like a slap in the face. He was angry, irrationally so, but it felt like Jeongguk was taking everything away from him again. He thought that Jeongguk was manipulative and just trying to play mind games. But then he was shy and awkward around everyone, and Taehyung didn't understand how someone once so bold could turn into this. He tried to ignore it. He tried to ignore the way that Jeongguk's hands shook. How there was something scarily dull and lifeless about his eyes. On Halloween they stood underneath the yellow light in Hoseok's kitchen and Jeongguk had seemed so small, so fragile. But Taehyung was vindictive and jealous of him. He was downright awful.

He hadn't realized how much Jeongguk was suffering until it was too late. He had been so wrapped up in his own personal vendetta that he never once stopped to consider the fact that maybe people do change until Jeongguk was curled up on Hoseok's balcony having a panic attack. In that moment, Taehyung had never felt so incredibly ashamed of himself. He had demonized Jeongguk to the point that he never stopped to think that maybe back then he was suffering too.

He had wrongly assumed that Jeon Jeongguk was still the kid who was incredibly popular, brazen and untouchable. Jeon Jeongguk who lived in a big stupid house with successful and perfect parents. Jeon Jeongguk who got whatever he wanted without even lifting a finger; who had the best grades in the class and had other kids breaking their backs for him, begging for attention. But Taehyung realizes, that back then, Jeongguk's smiles never truly reached his eyes. His laughter was measured, as if he was afraid to take up too much space. In his own ways, Jeongguk had been unhappy too.

Pain changes people, Taehyung realized it too late.

But he tried his best to make amends, he really did. He gave himself a good kick in the behind and apologized for being a total asshole. Jeongguk regretted what he had done, it was obvious. Even when he stuttered through apologies only to clamp up halfway, Taehyung knew what he wanted to say without having said it. But really, he had forgiven Jeongguk at that point. He wanted both of them to be able to move on from it, but the other boy didn't make it easy. He was always incredibly quiet and stiff around Taehyung, who did his best to try and make Jeongguk feel at ease around him.

He was a little hurt by it, if he's being truthful. Because when Jeongguk wasn't acting like he wanted the ground to swallow him up, he was incredibly charming. The first time they had played Super Smash Bros together, Taehyung had found himself thinking: cute. Thinking: I want to be friends. But the more that they hung out that thought morphed into: I want to hold your hands.

Jeongguk was still shy around him, but Taehyung's efforts began to pay off as he started to open up a little more. Their conversations became less stilted. Less of a formality. He even smiled sometimes and giggled a bit when Taehyung made a fool out himself. So he embarrassed himself often, even if Hoseok called him a dumbass, because when Jeongguk's face lit up, it was worth it.

At some point, his happiness became important to Taehyung. At some point, Taehyung fell in love.

But somehow—somehow he had managed to fuck everything up. Somehow, he had managed to hurt Jeongguk again. He tried to give them both time, was content on just being friends. He didn't want to pressure Jeongguk and scare him off, and had to stop himself one time too many from kissing him silly. But then they had gone to the bar and fueled by liquid courage, Taehyung had caved in. He hadn't meant for it to escalate so far but then Jeongguk had moaned into his mouth and neither of them were thinking straight and Taehyung was overwhelmed by want want want.

But when he had laid Jeongguk against velvet sheets that night, something had felt off. He had mewled and begged for more until Taehyung had stripped him bare. And yet, there was something niggling at the back of Taehyung's brain. Something wasn't right. Things were rough and desperate like a quick fuck. A hookup. Taehyung's hands clawed at Jeongguk's marble rib cage. His fingertips, too soft to avoid blood, and Jeongguk's bones, already too bruised to give a damn.

Jeongguk had said, I'm a virgin, and the blood in Taehyung's veins had froze. Underneath him, Jeongguk's eyes were unfocused and he was shaking. Begging for Taehyung to fuck him, but his voice shook and it was all wrong. Taehyung couldn't do it. He couldn't take advantage of someone so fragile, but Jeongguk had cursed him. Had closed himself off and kicked Taehyung out before he could even explain. They hadn't spoken for the rest of the break because Jeongguk was angry and Taehyung was hurt. Felt a little dejected. Felt like somehow he had royally fucked everything up.

Back then Taehyung thought that Jeongguk was made of marble; something perfect, yet stone cold. When Taehyung held him, he was warm but there was always something so incredibly distant about Jeongguk. He never talked about himself much. Any inquiry about his life that Taehyung made was met with a dead end. A tall wall, stretched into oblivion that Taehyung could never look over. He only ever let small parts of himself show, and sometimes he felt too cold, like winter. Now Taehyung realizes—too late—that Jeongguk's avoidance was a silent cry for help. But he had been so fucking stupid.

With Jeongguk gone radio silent. No texts or phone calls. No sign that he ever wanted to speak to Taehyung ever again; he thought that maybe it was never worth it: trying to gain purchase on something so slippery smooth. Because Jeongguk is the kind of person who looks in the mirror and doesn't see who he really is—he sees who he wishes he was when his head hits the pillow.

Taehyung tried to make things work. Tried to start anew and fix things between them. What started as some fragile form of friendship became love, but Taehyung could never know someone who doesn't know himself. In the beginning, he had been convinced that people never change. But now, he thinks that the way people can change is downright terrifying.

He had thought that nobody knew Jeongguk better than he knew himself. But the truth is that nobody knows him at all. Not even himself.

Taehyung recalls everything so vividly and by the end he feels absolutely drained. Sags against the couch, limbs loose. For a long moment, Hoseok doesn't say anything. No one does.

And then Hoseok lets out a shaky fuck. Laughs but Taehyung wishes he would stop because it sounds like he's in pain. "So you're telling me," he takes a deep breath, "that everyone else knew but me?" he looks to Yoongi for confirmation and the older boy gives a hesitant nod. "God," he runs a hand through his hair. "God I'm—Fuck. I'm such a shitty friend." Hoseok tries to laugh but it comes out a sob before his face crumples and the first few tears begin to leak out. "I'm such a piece of shit friend."

"Hyung, no!" Taehyung jumps forward, grabs Hoseok's hands who has his head hung low as if he's ashamed of himself. He cries silently, body shaking slightly. "It's not your fault," Taehyung reassures him. Squeezes his hands gently. "I should have told you. I'm the piece of shit friend here. I'm so fucking sorry."

"We should have told you," Yoongi sternly corrects. "If you're both shitty friends then so am I. Taehyung isn't the only one keeping secrets."

They both turn towards Yoongi at the same time with fearful, inquisitive gazes.

At first, Yoongi hesitates as he seems to battle with himself internally before settling for the truth. "Last month he tried to hang himself in the kitchen. He backed out before he went through with it and called Jimin. I only know because we got drunk not too long after the incident and he told me."

Hoseok squeezes Taehyung's hand so hard that it hurts.

"I'm sorry I didn't do anything for him back then," Yoongi apologizes. "Maybe this wouldn't have happened if—"

"It's not your fault hyung." Both Taehyung and Hoseok jump slightly at Jimin's voice. He had somehow managed to quietly slip out of the bedroom and stands with his hands on his hips, frowning. "So don't you even try to blame yourself. I feel shitty about this as well, and I'm sure that we all think that we could have done something to prevent this. But blaming ourselves isn't going to help Jeongguk in any way, so let's stop throwing a fucking pity party out here and get our shit together. Jeongguk is going to need all of us." His eyes fall on Taehyung. "And I mean all of us."

"But what are we supposed to do?" Hoseok mumbles dejectedly. "What the fuck can we do?"

Everyone goes silent. It's the kind of hopeless quiet that Taehyung hates, but there's a fire in Jimin's eyes.

"We let him know how worthy of love he is you emo dipshit," Jimin snaps. "You guys are acting like this is his fucking funeral, but our amazing friend Jeon Jeongguk is sleeping in that room right now thinking that he's undeserving of any kind of happiness. He felt alone enough to the point where he tried to take his life and we aren't just gonna sit here and fuckin' twiddle our thumbs. We're gonna show him how much we care. We're gonna stuff him so full of love that he doesn't know what to do with it all. And if you guys want to be some headasses about—"

"Jimin," Yoongi interjects calmly. "Babe."

Jimin blinks, his face is red and when he wipes at his cheeks he seems confused when he realizes that at some point during his rant, he had started crying. Yoongi steps forward to wipe at his boyfriend's eyes.

"You're completely right. I'm sorry baby," Yoongi mutters.

Hoseok nods as he gets up off the couch to stand on Jimin's other side and hold his hand. "We'll show Gukkie so much love that he'll get sick of us."

"No one could ever get sick of you," Jimin says with an expression that is incredibly fond. And then, without any indication that he cares that Taehyung's there, he leans forward and kisses Hoseok's cheek. At any other time, Taehyung would stop and ask if the three of them had finally figured things out, but right now he's too concerned about Jeongguk to care about anything else.

"We can make this right," Taehyung says. "We'll be here to help him get back up on his feet."

He won't let Jeongguk feel alone ever again.

When Jeongguk wakes up his head is pounding and his eyes feel crusted. His body is heavy and there's a deep ache in his bones that he can't shake off. When he finally manages to peel his eyes open and his vision focuses, he stares blankly at the ceiling for a moment. There's a warm body next to him and when he turns his head he finds Jimin sprawled out like a starfish, mouth hanging open as he snores lightly. It's funny, seeing someone as pretty as Jimin with his pink hair and plump lips sleeping in such an uncouth way, but Jeongguk can't bring himself to laugh, much less smile. Something inside of him feels terribly empty.

He runs through the events of last night in his head; the party, the roof, calling Yoongi, his friends begging him to come down—Taehyung. Still, there's a numbness in his heart that will not budge.

He stares at Jimin's face, tries to feel something. Gives up after a few minutes with a long sigh and forces himself out of bed when his stomach growls. It's 2019 and he's still alive so he might as well fucking eat. He feels a little shaky on his legs as he stumbles out of the room, flinches at how bright it is in the living room.

Multiple things hit him at once: one, there's the heavenly smell of eggs and bacon wafting from the kitchen. Two, there are shoes kicked haphazardly by the front door and jackets hanging on the coat rack. And three, Hoseok and Yoongi are in his kitchen.

"Are the pancakes done?" Yoongi asks.

"Why the fuck would they be done when you burned them?" Hoseok grumbles in annoyance as he drops another fatty piece of bacon onto the frying pan. "You are literally the most unhelpful cook and are therefore banned from making pancakes ever again. How you burned every single one that badly is completely beyond me."

Yoongi shrugs as he shoves a cooked piece of bacon in his mouth and continues to be unhelpful.

Jeongguk blinks in confusion. "Um?"

Both of their heads whip around so fast that he jumps a little.

Hoseok instantly beams. "Gukkie! You're awake! Did you sleep well?" he asks casually as he turns back to the stove.

"Uh, I guess?" he answers awkwardly as he fidgets.

Yoongi snorts. "Course you fuckin' did. Slept like a brick for nine hours straight. You hungry?" he motions to the seat next to him. "Hoseok cooked like thirty eggs for some reason."

Hoseok glares at him. "Gukkie is a growing boy. He needs all of the nutrients he can get."

Yoongi rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Don't give me that look."

Jeongguk shuffles to the seat. Sits prim and proper and tries not to look too uncomfortable even though he's incredibly perplexed by what's going on around him. Jimin in his bed, Hoseok and Yoongi bickering as they cook in the kitchen, and Taehyung—where's Taehyung? Jeongguk voices this question out loud as if he's supposed to be here.

"Oh," Hoseok starts, "he just went out to—"

Just then, the front door opens and Taehyung shuffles in, grocery bag in hand. "I'm back!" he announces. Bends down to untie his shoelaces. "I bought more pancake mix and some banana milk for Jeongguk. Speaking of which, is he awake yet?"

The moment he straightens out and notices Jeongguk sitting at the island, he freezes, eyes wide. "You're awake." He sounds breathless.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Cue awkward silence.

Next to him, Yoongi clears his throat. "It's about fuckin' time," he says. "We've only been waiting for five years."

Yoongi's jibe seems to snap Taehyung out of his daze as he turns to glower at the elder. "You're the one who burnt it all!" he stomps into the kitchen and sets the bag down on the counter next to Hoseok. "And it only took fifteen minutes, jackass."

"I'm still your hyung. Show some respect," Yoongi grumbles as he begins to sullenly pout. They start bickering back and forth a little bit until Jimin stumbles out of Jeongguk's bedroom bleary eyed and still half asleep and tells them to shut up.

"It's too early in the morning for this shit," he complains before walking up to Jeongguk and proceeds to plop right down into his lap. "Guuukie," he whines. Wraps his arm around Jeongguk's neck. "It's so cold in here. Warm me up."

"Wow, good morning to you as well, boyfriend." Yoongi shoves another piece of bacon into his mouth rather aggressively.

"Stop being petty," Jimin says. Snuggles his nose into Jeongguk's neck. "I see you everyday. We practically live together."

"Still."

"Aw, does hyung want cuddles? I didn't take you for the clingy type," Hoseok teases. Turns the stove off as the last pieces of bacon finish cooking.

"Shut up. I hate both of you."

Taehyung claps his hands together. Says, "can you three love birds stop flirting please? I'm fucking starving and I'm sure Guk is too."

Jimin finally slides off of his lap and Jeongguk's head is spinning. He doesn't understand any of this. Doesn't understand how everyone can joke around with each other, and smile and act like everything is still normal—like Jeongguk is normal and everything is okay. Like yesterday never happened, and a part of him starts to believe that maybe it was all a really bad dream because none of them should be here. None of them should be this close to him. He expects a tense quiet. He expects anger and tears, and surely Hoseok knows everything now. How can he look at Jeongguk so kindly after everything he put them all through? After what he put Taehyung through?

He feels a little unresponsive, unable to form a proper sentence as Hoseok tells them all to stop being rowdy and sit their asses down, so they all shuffle to the dining table. Jimin pulls Jeongguk by the arm like a ragdoll. Sits him down and scoots forward on his own chair so that their knees are touching. They all talk about mundane things and Jeongguk just listens because what else is he supposed to do?

At some point between Yoongi finally being helpful by setting the food on the table and Hoseok telling them to not be greedy, Jeongguk finds his voice.

"So, um...I'm really thankful for the food and everything but...what are you all doing here?" the question is a shaky mumble. There's a thrum in his chest; something painful, like maybe the numbness is unwinding itself. His friends (are they still friends?) all look at each other, a silent understanding passes between them.

Across from him, Hoseok shifts uncomfortably. "Jeongguk," he starts off cautiously, "we need to talk."

Jeongguk braces himself. Holds his breath and tenses his muscles, because no one ever says that unless they're about to hurt him. No one ever says that unless they're ready to leave, unless they're ready to expand like suns and reach out of his orbit. Jeongguk has had enough of people leaving, but what is he supposed to say? He knows that his sadness is tiring. He knows how to suck the life out of everyone around him because all he does is cry and hide and cause problems. Realistically, none of them have any obligations to stay so he waits for the impact instead.

Seeming to sense his anxiety, Jimin lays a comforting hand on his thigh. Smiles softly and Jeongguk thinks, how can you still look at me that way? Maybe it's pity. Maybe Jimin just doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but everything about Jimin is so gentle; like spring, like songbirds.

"Maybe we should wait," Jimin suggests. "We can talk about this later?"

"Why?" Jeongguk snaps. "It's not as if it's a big elephant in the room or anything. It's not like I don't know exactly what you guys wanna talk about."

Jimin retreats a little with a guilty expression. "Hey, there's no need to get defensive... It's just that we don't want to trigger you or make you talk about it if you're not ready, Jeongguk."

"I don't know what you want me to say." He sags against the chair, suddenly feeling very exhausted. He doesn't think that he'll ever really be ready. "I don't have any valid reason for doing it. I'm just tired. I'm just so fucking tired and I hate it. I hate it so much. I—I just—"

It's as if the fog clears from his head and Jeongguk is in pain. The numbness slips away and the emotions he feels is overwhelming. Incomprehensible sadness. Humiliation. Shame. Anger. Regret. It all starts to snowball and his hands shake. Jimin holds them under the table.

"It's okay, Jeongguk. Just breathe," he mumbles softly. "Breathe."

Jeongguk shakes his head, vision blurring with tears. "It's not, Jimin. It's not."

"You're right, it isn't." Yoongi gets up and moves to his other side. Crouches down so that he can look up at Jeongguk's face. "But for now it is. For now, you're here with us. You're safe, kid." He grabs Jeongguk's other, shaky hand and presses it up against his chest, right where his heart is. "It hurts here, yeah? Hurts so fuckin' much that you just want it to stop. It feels like it's stuck and you don't know how to tell people you're hurting so you think, I want it to end. You think, I want to die, because there's no other way but that's not true. That's just your brain being dumb because depression is an asshole."

"It feels like I'm choking." Jeongguk sobs. "I can't breathe, hyung."

"I know."

"I can't breathe."

"I know." Yoongi presses Jeongguk's hand against his chest more firmly until he can feel the thrum beneath his fingertips. "But one day you'll be able to. It gets easier."

Jeongguk tries to snort but it comes out as a strangled noise. "No it doesn't. That's bullshit."

"You've gotta have hope," Hoseok voices.

"I did and look where that fucking got me." He really does snort this time.

"Here, with your friends who care about you. Friends who would do anything in their power to see you happy," Yoongi says.

"You don't understand."
"Can you stop being a self deprecating emo kid for two seconds and just listen?"

"Yoongi," Jimin warns.

"No, he needs to hear this Jimin," Yoongi says, eyes narrowing. "Do you truly believe that it's always gonna be this bad or do you just not want to get better, Jeongguk? You act like happiness is unattainable, like you're unworthy of it. You've made friends who love you and want to understand you. Friends who want to help. It's not that you can't be happy. It's not that you can't live. You just don't want to. Pain has become a comfort. You've become so complacent with being sad that the thought of being anything else but miserable is more terrifying than anything else." Jeongguk tries to pull his hand away but Yoongi only grips it tighter. "You're scared and I get that. Trust me, I was there once. I've been in a place so dark that I thought the only way I could go was down, but you've got to stop blaming yourself for everything, Jeongguk. Stop apologizing and feeling guilty. It's okay to move on. It's okay to want a future for yourself."

Jeongguk bites his tongue, speechless. "No one has ever said that to me before," he whispers.

"Well I'm telling you this now you little shit so get it through that thick skull of yours."

Jeongguk lets out a wet laugh. "I'm just scared you all will hate me one day." He sniffles. "I'm scared everyone will leave."

"We're not going anywhere. We love you," Jimin reassures. Kisses the back of his head.

"I love you the most but yeah, we all love you," Hoseok says.

"Are you seriously trying to one up me right now?" Jimin glares.

"I'm the one who found him first."

A warmth begins to slowly seep into Jeongguk's heart as his fingertips tingle. He can't help but smile a little, even if he still feels heavy. "I have so many things to tell you guys but I'm scared," he confesses.

"You don't have to tell us everything at once," Yoongi says. "Shit, you don't ever have to tell us about your past if you don't want to, but whenever you're having a hard time let us know. Tell us how you're feeling. Take it one step at a time and look for joy in the smallest things. If making some waffles is what makes you happy tomorrow then make some damn waffles."

"I don't like waffles," Jeongguk mutters.

Hoseok gasps, scandalized.

"Then drink some banana milk, I don't fucking know. Anyways, the point is, you don't have to set big goals for yourself. Don't worry about what will happen a year for now and just live for tomorrow."

"I...I can't make any promises but I'll try," Jeongguk replies with hesitation.

Yoongi nods. "That's good enough for me."

It's quiet for a moment before shyly, Jeongguk asks, "can we eat now? I'm starving."

And instead of protesting, they all easily drop the subject without any misgivings. Yoongi returns to his place next to Jimin and though Jeongguk doesn't contribute much, the conversations aren't awkward or forced. It's weird how normal it all feels. Shouldn't there be more dramatism? Shouldn't there be more screaming and crying? It all feels... natural? Good? Still, his fingertips tingle. He tries to adjust to the simplicity of it all.

It isn't until Jeongguk looks to Taehyung who stares down at the plate, poking at his eggs that he realizes that the entire time, Taehyung hadn't said a word.

After breakfast, Jimin and Yoongi offer to wash dishes but Jeongguk adamantly refuses. They have a silly little spat over it with Jimin demanding that he needs to rest and Jeongguk pointing out that they've all done a lot for him as it is. It's still his apartment and he's perfectly capable of washing dishes himself. It's not that he likes doing chores—he absolutely despises them actually—but Yoongi told him to look for happiness in the smallest of things, and maybe some normalcy like washing the damn dishes is what he needs right now.

The boys all sit in the living room, arguing over what movie to watch. Jimin suggests some cheesy romcom, but Yoongi flat out says no. "You forced me to watch the Notebook last week. We're not doing that again. Let's watch Insidious."

"You know I hate scary movies," he hears Hoseok whine. They quarrel some more and Jeongguk smiles to himself.

He thinks about Jimin and Hoseok. Yoongi and Jimin. He thinks about the way his hyung had blushed when he had asked, do you like him? And oddly enough, he thinks that despite Yoongi's vehement denial, the three of them suit each other well. They act like a couple—does that even make sense? In his head it's still a little confusing, but Jeongguk can tell by the way his friends look at each other that they're all in love. He doesn't need to understand it.

"They're so gross, ugh." Jeongguk nearly jumps ten feet in the air as Taehyung siddles up next to him, grabs a rag and begins to dry off clean dishes. "Sorry." He smiles apologetically, a little nervous.

"I think they're cute," Jeongguk says quietly. "I didn't know three people could love each other but I'm happy for them."

Taehyung nods. "Me too. I think they're really starting to figure things out between them now." It's silent for a few minutes, not uncomfortable exactly but Jeongguk knows that the two of them have a lot to talk about. "What about us?" Taehyung voices, a little hesitantly. He stops what he's doing and looks at Jeongguk. "Do you think that we could figure things out?"

He thinks that right now, Taehyung has never looked more vulnerable. Taehyung, who is smart, a little reckless, but patient with him and kind, looks small. "I don't know," he answers slowly. "I—there's just so much that I feel like I have to make up for."

Taehyung watches carefully as he bites his bottom lip, looks a little sad. "You know, I meant what I said yesterday. I love you and I forgive you. Isn't that enough?"

"But it's not that simple, right?" Jeongguk shakes his head. "I think a part of me has always loved you, even when we were kids. Maybe that's why I was so mean, because I wasn't ready to accept it because I didn't want to disappoint my dad. And maybe Yoongi's right when he says that it's okay for me to move on, but I don't think either of us are ready for this—for us. There's still so many things you don't know about me."

"I am ready," Taehyung says. "I know that we've never clearly talked about things and maybe you're right, but...I feel like I'm ready."

Jeongguk sighs. "Taehyung."

"Please don't reject me," he implores before quickly adding, "I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you or anything because that's the last thing I want to do it's just—" he flushes, seemingly frustrated with himself. "Can we leave it at maybe? Like maybe one day, after all of this has passed, we could give it a shot?"

Jeongguk hesitates. "Maybe one day, after I've learned how to forgive myself."

At this, Taehyung relaxes. "Thank you," he says before he goes back to drying the dishes. He doesn't bring it up again and he seems to realize that right now, a silent companion is what Jeongguk needs.

Forgiveness. He isn't sure if that day will ever come.

The next week is anything but easy. His friends don't leave him alone for a single second and while Jeongguk doesn't mind, because they're honestly a joy to be around and they constantly let him know how much he's loved, he doesn't remember the last time he had people around him who cared this much. Jimin sleeps by his side nearly every night and it's a comfort. He feels a lot less alone in the world. But still, there's something missing and no matter how many times he hears, "we love you. We care for you. We're here for you." there's still a hollow place in between his ribs and it aches.

Yoongi said that with time, breathing will come easy to him, but he's sure that the bad is stuck in him and won't ever go away. Sometimes, there are small moments of reprieve where he thinks that being here is worth it, but most of the time he still feels out of place. He wants to open up about things but fear has the words stuck in his throat and he often grows frustrated with himself. Some things never change.

"I don't really feel any better," Jeongguk confesses to Yoongi. They're in his studio because Jeongguk misses music and these days, it's the only thing that makes him feel somewhat complacent. Less alien.

Yoongi hums. Turns around in his chair and says, "have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?" At this, Jeongguk frowns and Yoongi gives him a knowing look. "I used to hate therapy. I thought it was all bullshit 'cos how can telling someone how fucked in the head I am actually heal me? But it really changed my life around, y'know? I'm not saying you have to do it, but it's something to think about."

Jeongguk swallows, struggles with his thoughts for a long moment. "Yeah...I'll think about it."

"I don't want to force you," Yoongi says. "But sometimes a stranger can help more than you think."

He doesn't tell Yoongi that he doesn't quite believe him.

"Yoongi hyung said that I should go to therapy." Deep into the night, with his room bathed in the gentle cool light of the moon, Jeongguk whispers these words. Beside him lays Taehyung where Jimin usually would be. It's the first time they've slept next to each other in months. Taehyung turns his head. Soft eyes, soft hair, soft cheeks. Jeongguk admires him. Beautiful, he thinks.

"What do you think you should do?"

He shrugs. "I dunno."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"Not be empty I guess," comes his dry reply. "I think that telling a stranger my entire life story is stupid but maybe that's what I need? I'm just tired."

"Maybe," Taehyung says.

There's space between them and Jeongguk feels achingly cold. Things have been odd between them as if they're teetering on some obscure line between being friends and lovers. Jeongguk knows that he's not ready to willing accept Taehyung's heart. He's not ready to willingly give away parts of himself that are bruised. But still, he misses Taehyung's warmth. Misses his large hands around his waist. Misses their legs intertwined like gnarled tree roots. His blush like a hot pink sky whenever Taehyung would lean too close, breaths intermingled. He is tired, unbearably so.

"Is it okay for me to be selfish just for a little while?" he asks, and Taehyung waits. "Can you hold me?"

There's no uncertainty in the way Taehyung breathes out, "yeah." The space between them disappears as he pulls Jeongguk close to him, hand on the small of his back pressing until there is nothing but warmth. Cheek against his chest, Jeongguk listens to the steady thrum of Taehyung's heartbeat. Ba-dump. Ba-dump.

The quiet is peaceful until he asks, "why didn't you want to have sex with me?"

Underneath him, Taehyung's falters. "It's not that I didn't want to have sex with you, Guk. I really did, trust me. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met."

Jeongguk lifts his head to look Taehyung in the eyes and frowns. "Then why?"

"Because we were drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of you. It felt like a shitty thing to do, and when you told me that you were a virgin I kinda freaked out because I didn't want your first time to be like that. You seemed so unsure."

"Then why didn't you call or at least text me after that?"

"I was scared that you hated me," he confesses. "You were so angry and kicked me out before I could even explain. I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"I could never hate you." Jeongguk's heart aches at the thought of it. "I'm sorry. I honestly wasn't ready even though I thought I was so thank you for stopping. I'm really sorry for putting you in that position. I would have regretted it, even though it's you."

Taehyung shakes his head. "It's not your fault, Guk. We tried jumping into things without ever really talking everything out and it just hurt us both in the end."

"Yeah." He lays his head back down on Taehyung's chest. "I'm still sorry for assuming things though."

"And I'm sorry for not reaching out to you sooner."

Jeongguk laughs. "I think I'll try going to therapy. I'm so shit at communication and I want to be better."

I want to be better for you, he wants to say but he doesn't.

"I'm proud of you," Taehyung murmurs, lips gently brushing against his hair. And then even quieter, "I love you."

Jeongguk doesn't respond for awhile, closes his eyes instead. Listens to Taehyung's breath even out, matches his own. It's comfortable here, in the arms of someone who despite their past—despite the fact that he's awfully imperfect, still loves him. Honestly, Jeongguk had put everyone through hell and they shouldn't still be here but they are. Taehyung shouldn't be holding him, but he is. It's strange how he got here. It took breaking, it took sobbing and panic attacks, it took staring down fifty story's for him to realize that it doesn't always have to be this way. It hurts now, but it doesn't always have to.

Jeongguk had thought that he didn't know what home was, but he thinks that maybe, just maybe home doesn't have to be a place. Maybe it's here, in the way Taehyung holds him so gently as if he's afraid to hurt him. Maybe it's in the way Jimin's eyes disappear when he smiles. Maybe it's Hoseok's dimples or the peace he feels whenever Yoongi shows him a new song. Maybe home is here, with the people who make him feel so full sometimes he swears he's going to burst. He's not happy by any means, but for once, Jeongguk feels hope. Tomorrow he'll wake up and he'll try going to therapy. The day after that he might not be okay, but what if next Friday is the best day of his life? He doesn't know, but he has hope.

It's in this moment when Taehyung starts lightly snoring and Jeongguk carefully traces invisible patterns into his chest that he thinks that perhaps, for them, there can be a future too. Because when Taehyung looks at Jeongguk, he doesn't look at him like he can save him. But rather, he looks at Jeongguk like he can recognize the shadows dancing on his skin, the hidden bruises and shaky hands and the ache inside of his heart. Outside, the hooting of an owl goes silent and the night becomes quiet, as if it's giving this moment the gravity it deserves.

"Thank you for loving me," he whispers aimlessly. Into the night. Into oblivion—at the beautiful and selfless man sleeping soundly underneath him, his heart beats like the rhythm of two drums. "I want to learn how to forgive myself, and when that day comes...I promise that I'll learn how to love you right."

But for now, this is enough. For now, he is simply Jeon Jeongguk: a boy trying to survive.