The next few days pass without incident. Hoseok begins to glue himself to Jeongguk's side and while it's jarring and a bit hard for him to adjust to because he hasn't had a friend in years, it helps him feel grounded. He hasn't felt floaty ever since Taehyung had found him underneath the tree and it's a relief, really. Makes him feel a little more normal. Makes him feel like maybe, just maybe Hoseok can be someone who stays just a little longer.

Hoseok memorizes Jeongguk's schedule like the back of his hand. He buys coffee for the both of them in the morning even if Jeongguk always insists on paying. On the days they don't have physics together Jeongguk always finds Hoseok waiting outside of his last class with a smile on his face and Jeongguk doesn't get it—doesn't get how anyone can be so eager to see someone like him everyday.

"Are you feeling okay?" Hoseok will always ask everyday. It's such a simple question that appears innocent from an outsider's perspective, except Jeongguk is someone who has forgotten what being okay actually is. For once he tried for honesty and said, "I don't know hyung."

"Let's try numbers," Hoseok suggested. There was always a certain gentleness in his eyes that Jeongguk could never understand. And so they make a system; one being over the moon with happiness. Nine being he's ready to jump off a bridge any moment. Tens are saved for funerals. Today he's a solid five and a half. Like, he's not going to jump in front of a car but if he got hit he wouldn't necessarily care. Today he feels more okay.

It's five in the afternoon and they're eating pancakes at iHOP because apparently Hoseok had been desperately craving them all week. Jeongguk on the other hand often forgets to eat and unless he's around his friend he rarely does.

"I feel like Tae's been avoiding me," Hoseok says as he angrily shoves a spoonful of syrup covered blueberries into his mouth.

"I haven't seen him around in a while," Jeongguk mutters. Nibbles on a piece of pancake. He leaves out the part where he doesn't exactly want to be around Taehyung in the first place and he's sure that the other feels the same way.

Hoseok shrugs. "Yeah, I dunno. He's been distant ever since I started hanging out with you more, which is weird because Tae really isn't the jealous type." He hesitates as if he's not sure if he should say anything. "I know you guys said that you're just old classmates but are you sure that's just it? I don't think he likes you much."

Hoseok's words sting more than they should, which is ridiculous because Jeongguk already knows that Taehyung hates his guts but still, it hurts to hear.

Jeongguk tries to play it cool and not let it show. "Yeah we never talked to each other much and I haven't seen him in eight years so I'm not sure what his deal is." Lying to the only friend he has doesn't exactly feel nice.

"Maybe he has a huge crush on you and is just playing the tsundere roll," Hoseok adds on with a laugh after noticing the way Jeongguk tenses up, lips drawn into a thin line. "Taehyung is a real sweetheart who makes friends with basically everyone, so it's just a bit jarring to see him act this way towards you."

"And what about Jimin?" Jeongguk asks in an attempt to steer the conversation in another direction that doesn't involve the boy whose haunted him for years. Hoseok looks uncomfortable and Jeongguk wishes that he'd never asked in the first place.

"Oh...um, Jimin?" Hoseok clears his throat awkwardly.

"He hates me too, doesn't he?" Jeongguk mutters with a bitter smile. Sets the fork down because he suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore. It's stupid and he doesn't know why he cares since he'd only met Jimin once, but he does anyways. He hasn't cared about anything or anyone in forever. Spent years forgetting people until familiar faces became a blur and he doesn't remember the last time he looked at someone and really saw them, but he sees Hoseok, and he sees Jimin, and Taehyung. He hates it. Wishes that he could go back to a time when Hoseok was just another faceless classmate and not his partner for a project. Jeongguk thinks about how different things could be right now if they hadn't been paired together. If Hoseok hadn't been late and if Jeongguk hadn't been such a loner. He wouldn't have met Taehyung again, that's for sure.

"Jimin's just a drama queen." Hoseok rolls his eyes. "He's been Tae's best friend for years so he can be a bit overprotective. Don't worry about him."

But the thing is, Jeongguk can't help it. Tightly holds onto Hoseok's words and turns it over in his head again, and again. He's never been good at letting go of things.

"He hates me doesn't he?"

"Hate's a strong word."

"It's okay, I hate myself too." Jeongguk shrugs like it doesn't really bother him, but it seems to work like a slap in the face for Hoseok, who's already opening his mouth to go off on another one of his dad lectures. "I'm kidding," Jeongguk adds on quickly. "Today is a five and a half remember?" But he doesn't tell Hoseok that he's steadily been climbing up to a six. Instead, he forces a smile because the last thing he wants is to be even more of a burden to his friend than he already is.

It's enough to appease Hoseok's worry, but he still looks slightly put off by the comment. "I wish you'd be kinder to yourself, Guk."

"I'll work on it," Jeongguk replies without much promise. Knows that people like him don't deserve kindness. New Years seems too far away for him. How morbid is it to be anticipating such a shitty thing? But the thing is, Jeongguk has forgotten what it's like to look up. He's forgotten how to get back up on his feet and dust off his knees. It's like he has to relearn how to be a person. It's hard to pretend to be whole when he can hear his insides breaking. He should practice harder.

It's been weeks since Jeongguk has seen Jimin, nor does he really expect to see the boy ever again. There wasn't any particular reason for them to meet anyways. So when Jeongguk runs into Jimin in the most unlikely of places, he's sure that this is a sign that the world hates him.

It's past midnight when he decides that it's a good idea to visit the neighborhood Seven Eleven for some banana milk. He's been running low and in desperate need for a restock. He barely spares the cashier a glance, just dumps a dozen small cartons of banana milk onto the counter knowing very well that he's probably being judged. But Jeongguk doesn't necessarily care right now because he's had a particularly rough night.

After sitting in the library for five hours he'd returned to his apartment dead on his feet and had only been able to get a solid hour of sleep before jolting awake from a nightmare, drenched in sweat. In his confused and terrified state, it had given him a full blown panic attack. He couldn't remember what he dreamt of, but the fear had him hunched over the toilet for a solid ten minutes.

Jeongguk knows that he must look sweaty and gross and absolutely exhausted, because that's exactly what he feels like and he's been sporting a headache ever since he'd woken up, but right now he just wants to drink his milk and cry over sad youtube videos. He doesn't feel floaty like he usually does after an episode, just groggy and heavy as if he's dragging weights around and he hates it when he gets like this because there's no escape from his shitfest of a life. It all becomes too real. Too personal.

"Didn't realize you were such a banana milk fanatic," a familiar voice drawls and his attention immediately snaps to the cashier.

"Oh." Jeongguk swallows. Recognizes the soft pink hair and pouty, full lips. His heart immediately drops to his stomach. "It's you."

"It's me," Jimin replies dryly.

They're both silent for a long, awkward moment. Jimin glaring at Jeongguk and Jeongguk glaring at the counter because he doesn't have the nerve to look the other boy in the eyes, neither of them willing to be the first one to break.

All Jeongguk wanted was his damn banana milk.

"I didn't know you worked here," he finally wills himself to say.

"I just started last week," Jimin replies stiffly and Jeongguk doesn't look up, just stares at Jimin's hands that are smaller than his own. "College is expensive and not all of us are spoilt rich kids with parents to pay for our shit."

Jeongguk is sure that it's a shady indirect at him and frowns.

"Do you like it?" he asks in an attempt to maintain the peace because he's a coward who's awful at confrontation.

"Are you asking me if I like working at a shitty corner store this late on a weekday when I have class at seven a.m?"

Jeongguk immediately flushes, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Why did he have to open his mouth in the first place? "N-no—I mean, yeah? I'm sorry."

Jimin shrugs as he begins scanning the milks. "I mean, I guess it's alright."

They both return to silence after that. The only sound being the humming of the refrigeration units and the beep of the scanner. Jeongguk's skin itches and he knows that it would be easier just to leave Jimin be and go back to hiding in his apartment. But then he thinks of Hoseok and how sad he had seemed when he mentioned that his friends were avoiding him and Jeongguk knows that it's his fault and he doesn't want Hoseok to lose his friends because of him. He doesn't think that he could ever forgive himself for that.

"Hoseok misses you guys." He says it with such quiet uncertainty that he's not sure if Jimin hears it. But then the beep of the scanner stops and Jeongguk looks up to see Jimin all tensed up, a less than friendly smile plastered onto his face. It's almost vicious.

"Then he should hang out with us more."

And Jeongguk knows that he should stop here because it's none of his business and opening his mouth has only ever gotten him into trouble. But the thing is, Hoseok does so much for him and all he ever does is take and take. For once, he wants to be of use to someone.

"He says you guys have been avoiding him," he pushes.

"I wonder why," Jimin drawls dryly. Stares right at him. The hostility towards Jeongguk is as clear as day and he finds himself having to take a step back from the counter. He knows that he's messed up and awful and that his insides are rotten, but Jimin's blatant hatred is like a punch in the gut. It's almost unbearable and instead of looking at a twenty-something-year-old boy, Jeongguk feels like he's staring into the eyes of a disappointed father again.

"I'll go away," Jeongguk blurts. "I-If it means that Hoseok hyung gets to see you guys I'll disappear." He's wringing his fingers together, picking nervously at the skin around his nail again. "I d-don't want anyone to be sad because of me." His voice trembles and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Isn't it a bit too late for that?" Jimin snaps and Jeongguk instantly recoils as if he's been burned.

He tries to act like it doesn't affect him, he really does. But then he's shaking and his eyes sting and there's something squeezing his chest and it hurts. It hurts.

"I'm trying."

Jimin slams a milk down. Exhales an angry breath. "Then try harder."

Jeongguk looks down at the cartons, bottom lip trembling and vision blurring. "I-I'm sorry," he says and his voice sounds so awful—terribly thick with emotion that he finds himself feeling further humiliated than before.

He almost says, I wish I was never born, but doesn't because he's sure that Jimin wishes that he didn't exist either. Wishes that Jeongguk's bones would dwindle into space dust; his fingers will shrink into his arms, his arms shrink into his chest and he'll keep growing smaller until he condenses like a wormhole. Being alive is hard when no one wants you around. Being alive is hard for people like him. Jimin tells him to try harder but he doesn't know that Jeongguk's already racing to the finish line.

It's dizzying. The scrutiny. The disgust. The way Jimin clenches his jaw. It's like he sees Jeongguk as the terrible person that he truly is and it's like a confirmation—reassurance to remind him of why he loathes his own existence so much. But it's anything but gentle and more like black waves pulling him under. Like hitting the brakes too hard without a seatbelt on.

"I h-have to go," Jeongguk manages to choke out, a sob nearly tearing its way from the back of his throat. The idea of going to a Seven Eleven this late for some milk seems like a stupid idea now and Jeongguk is sure that if he wishes hard enough he'll return to dust.

He takes a shaky step back. And then another. Tries to exhale out his nose but it doesn't come out right.

"Wait." Jimin looks alarmed. Reaches out a hand even though Jeongguk's too far away. "I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's okay. You're right. You're completely right and I'll just—I'll just—" he knows that he must sound border hysterical now but he doesn't know how to quell the storm inside of him.

"Jeongguk..."

But he doesn't want to hear anymore of it. Doesn't want to hear Jimin shit on him more than he already does to himself. He turns around and races out the door before the other can say another word.

He doesn't know why he runs but he does. He runs down the steep hill, not even on the sidewalk but the middle of the road. The sound of his shoes against the pavement. His heart beating in his ears. Breathing erratic, blood rushing—it echoes too loudly and when he reaches the end of the street he stops, looks up at the sky. At the stars, the moon, the blackness of it all. He doesn't know what he's even running from anymore.

He thinks of the summer he turned thirteen. It had been the first time that he'd truly ever been alone. His friends were all away for vacation. Mingyu's mom had always brought them to their family lakehouse the first week of the summer, except that time Jeongguk received no invitation. All he had gotten from his friends was radio silence.

He remembers seeing a broken bottle on the sunset lit pavement. How he had stopped and stared at it and even though it was beautiful, it was still broken. There was no glue it back together. No pretend it's whole again. Jeongguk thinks that maybe it learned its lesson, lying there broken on the pavement, and he thinks maybe he learned with it. He remembered the friends he had lost. Friends who blamed him for what had happened to Taehyung and laughed behind his back. He had been running when he'd seen the broken bottle. And as he kicked it down the street, he had thought, do goodbyes always have to be this hard? And they still are. They still are.

It's been a few days since the incident at the store and Jeongguk had vowed to never go there again. Even when his stomach growls with protest, he either ignores it or goes to the CVS a few neighborhoods over, even if it's further away. He's been lucky enough to avoid running into Jimin on and off of campus, but the other boy's words stick to his lungs like gum and Jeongguk can't stop thinking about that night. He tries to act unbothered though, more for Hoseok's sake than anything else, even if the guilt that he feels for being the reason why Hoseok's friends have drifted from him is incredibly overwhelming at times.

Jeongguk tells himself that he'll end their friendship. Tells himself that it's not a big deal because he's never known permanency anyways. He's never known how to make anyone stay. Hoseok is too good and bright for someone like him anyways. But every time he tries to summon the courage to basically break up with Hoseok, the other is smiling at him, all sunshine and kindness and Jeongguk can't bring himself to do it—even if it is selfish.

His last class has just ended when his phone vibrates with a text from Hoseok asking if they can meet up at Starbucks for some coffee and he says yes because it's not like anyone else is trying to hang out with him.

When Jeongguk arrives at the cafe and spots Hoseok, he lifts a hand to wave, but freezes mid way when he realizes that not only is Hoseok not alone, but he's pretty sure that the person with his back facing towards him and pink hair is undoubtedly Park fucking Jimin. He's about to turn and run right back out the door, but it's way too late because Hoseok has already spotted him and is calling him over. Taking a deep breath, Jeongguk plasters on the fakest smile as he approaches the pair.

He's not sure as to why Hoseok always does this shit to him.

"Hi hyung," he greets. Completely ignores Jimin and doesn't even look his way. He's totally not bitter about his banana milk (all he wanted was some damn banana milk).

"Hey!" Hoseok shouts brightly as if he isn't completely aware of the fact that Jimin hates Jeongguk's very existence.

Jimin gives him a weak smile. "It's nice to see you again."

Jeongguk just blinks, squints suspiciously because holy shit, did Jimin just speak to him in a non-condescending way for once without any underlying shade?

"Um, hi." His reply is stiff. Refuses to make any eye contact.

"Jimin asked if he could join us. I hope you don't mind," Hoseok tells him.

Jeongguk's jaw nearly drops in shock because in what universe would Jimin willingly want to be in the same vicinity as Jeongguk without looking as if he wanted to strangle him?

He shrugs nonchalantly. Tries to seem like he could care less and says in the most casual way he can muster, "it's fine." Except it's not and he's still incredibly butthurt about the fact that Jimin had made him cry in the middle of the night. Immediately his guard is up and he's sure that the other is only here to berate him even more. He doesn't even know if he can handle it. Honestly, he's just exhausted. Like, Jeongguk already knows that he's a piece of shit and he doesn't need another person to rub it into his face.

He has no other choice but to sit right across from Jimin and he thinks it's rather deliberate how Hoseok hadn't taken that seat. Almost as if this entire meeting has been planned and he panics a bit because what if Hoseok knows?

The entire time Jeongguk is silent. Looks anywhere but at Jimin, and pretends to busy himself with scrolling through Twitter, except he doesn't have any followers or online friends to even interact with. The tension is palpable, only eased by Hoseok's zealous rambling.

"Jimin's a dance major," Hoseok tells Jeongguk as if he actually cares. Even though it's obvious that he doesn't want to participate in the conversation. "He's actually fucking amazing. The best dancer in class and all."

Jimin blushes slightly. "That's you Hoseokie hyung."

"Are you kidding me?" Hoseok holds his hand to his chest in mock offense. "You're fucking magical when you dance. Wish I had learned contemporary when I was younger."

They go back and forth like this for awhile; Hoseok grinning and Jimin batting his lashes and pouting like a highschool girl. Jeongguk's right eye twitches in annoyance because honestly, he could give less of a shit about Park Jimin and his stupid dancing. At this point he's not even sure why he was even invited in the first place. Hoseok had called Jimin his close friend but the way they act around each other is more than just friendly.

"I'll go get our drinks," Hoseok announces and Jeongguk is ready to jump up and offer to get them instead because he can't take another painful moment sitting directly across from Jimin anymore, but Hoseok fixes him with a firm and knowing look that says you better stay put before he stands up. "You guys want your usuals?" he asks and they both nod their heads. Jeongguk thinks that it's kind of funny how even though the older boy doesn't know him at all, he remembers what kind of coffee Jeongguk likes.

He never thought it was possible until this very moment, but he really hates Hoseok right now. He's not even subtle about the fact that he's purposefully leaving the two of them alone and Jeongguk would rather blip out of existence than to be left alone with Park Jimin. No, he'd rather cut off his right foot than to be subjugated to this.

Commence the awkward silence. Jeongguk immediately pulls his phone back out and pretends like he's texting someone, even though he literally only has four people in his contacts (two of them being his parents) but it's better than acknowledging the other boy. Honestly, this whole situation is making him feel rather anxious and he wants nothing more than to go back home and hide in his room for five years.

But times running out. Times running out and he's honestly so tired of hiding but it's like every time he tries to find his voice he remembers being locked in dark closets and his father's angry, muffled voice. He remembers being hidden away from the world. A disgrace. So when he tries to say something to Jimin, anything, nothing comes out. Maybe it's ptsd or maybe he's just a coward. Although he's betting on the latter.

Jimin clears his throat awkwardly and Jeongguk jumps at the sound. "So..." he gnaws on his bottom lip and Jeongguk stares even harder at his screen. Pretends he didn't hear anything. Maybe he should get back into Candy Crush.

"Are you really just gonna ignore me, dude?" Jimin mutters harshly. At this, Jeongguk's head snaps up, mouth pressed into a firm line and eyes wide.

"Sorry?"

But isn't it better to just ignore each other? Like maybe the problem will cease to be a problem if they both ignore it hard enough and Jeongguk doesn't know how to handle confrontation. Knows that the moment Jimin goes off he'll be reduced to a mess of snot and tears. You think he'd learn how to handle cruelty better with how much he's endured throughout the years, but he's weak. Too weak.

Jimin shifts in his seat. Looks incredibly uncomfortable and Jeongguk thinks that it's the first time he's ever seen him look so out of his element. There's always been an air of surety and confidence around Jimin, but right now, he looks more unsure of himself than ever and it scares Jeongguk.

"Listen," he starts. Lets out a long sigh and runs his fingers through his hair. Jeongguk holds his breath because he's pretty sure that this is the moment where Jimin tears him apart. He can't do this. He can't. He can't. He can't.

"I'm sorry!" he blurts out. Feels himself starting to shake already. "I know I said that I'd fuck off, but Hoseok is the o-only friend I have and I don't want to go back to being completely alone again. I know it's selfish of me, but I'll be gone by the end of the semester. So please let me be his friend just for a few more months. I'm so sorry. I'm—"

"Woah there," Jimin cuts off his hysteric tangent rather gently. "Calm down. I'm not here to yell at you or tell you to fuck off, okay? I'm not shitty enough to police my friends like that."

Jeongguk's eyes water and he bites his bottom lip. "You're not?"

Jimin looks incredibly guilty. "I'm really not. Promise."

Jeongguk relaxes ever so slightly. Chews on the inside of his cheek until the faintest taste of metallic hits his tongue. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. "Then why are you here?"

Jimin hesitates and then slowly, "because I'm the one who should be apologizing right now."

"Wait what?" he furrows his eyebrows. "Why would you...?"

"Because I've been a fucking asshole," Jimin says. His expression twisted into one of shame. "I shouldn't have said what I said to you. It was completely out of line."

"It's okay," Jeongguk replies almost instantaneously because even if it isn't okay, he's used to this and most of all, he deserves it. "You were just trying to protect your friend. You don't—"

"No." Jimin holds up his palm and Jeongguk immediately goes quiet. "Please don't make excuses for me. I already feel shitty enough about it as it is and you don't deserve to be treated as awfully as I've been treating you."

Jeongguk looks down at the table. Tries to make sense of the confusion and chaos going on inside of his head because holy shit, Jimin is actually apologizing to him. "But you were right," he whispers. "I've hurt people."

It's all he's ever known how to do, really. He'd tortured Taehyung to the point where he had to transfer schools, made his mom cry more times than he can count, and disappointed his father to the point where he didn't even want to look at his own sons face anymore.

"People make mistakes and I have no right to hate you for something that happened years ago," Jimin says rather earnestly. "I heard from Hoseok that you've been going through a really rough time, and I shouldn't act like a bitch over a situation that doesn't even involve me."

But the thing is, he's good at repeating mistake, after mistake, after mistake. And still, he never learns. He's still the same immature twelve-year-old boy that destroyed someone else's childhood.

"Oh." Jeongguk is rendered rather speechless by Jimin's proclamation. "I'm still sorry though."

Jimin appears baffled. "Why are you still apologizing?"

"I dunno...I think that I'm just so used to being in the wrong, it's all I know how to do," he admits with a flush. Because even now, he's still blaming himself.

"Don't apologize to me," Jimin says firmly. "Don't blame yourself for things you don't have to be sorry for, Jeongguk."

"I'll try," is all he can say because he knows that he'll always be like this; apologetic with no sense of self-esteem. He'd lost himself long ago between bruises and ugly portraits painted onto his skin. He lost it from the moment he'd had his very first panic attack. Between doctor visits and pills. Arguments between his parents, his father screaming about how he wasn't normal. The animosity he could feel even from his room.

"He's still our son!" his mom had sobbed.

"That fag is no son of mine."

Jeongguk only knows how to take someone's happiness and rip it right out. He'll always be sorry. Sorry towards Taehyung—towards the world for being born. Towards his parents who kicked him out the moment he turned eighteen because he was creating too many problems with their marriage. At least they pay for his tuition, right? He's always sorry. Holds apologies at his fingertips, right where the nail meets the skin.

"I brought you something." Jimin reaches for his backpack on the chair next to him and rummages around in it before he procures a small, yellow carton and sets it in front of Jeongguk.

"Is that banana milk?"

"It's banana milk."

"You brought banana milk to a coffee shop?"

Jimin huffs, mildly miffed. Scrunches up his nose slightly. "Well, you kind of just stormed off without them so I thought that this was the least I could do for you."

"Thank you," Jeongguk whispers. Starts to feel himself getting a little choked up.

Jimin brought him banana milk.

"No problem." Jimin winks with a coy smile and it gives Jeongguk whiplash to see anything other than a glare directed towards him. "How much longer do you think Hoseok will stand at the coffee bar trying to act like he isn't obviously staring at us?"

Jeongguk follows Jimin's amused gaze and notes the way that Hoseok keeps trying to inconspicuously look back to keep an eye on them. He giggles. "I mean, you're not spitting in my face yet, so."

"Our friendship is cemented in banana milk," Jimin jokes and Jeongguk's eyes bulge.

"We're...f-friends?" he splutters. Heart hammering in his chest because wow, the thought of having not one but two friends is something that he never thought could be possible.

"Yeah." Jimin looks at him oddly, a bit hesitant. "If you want to, that is."

"I do!" Jeongguk shouts a little too loudly. Immediately blushes and glances around to see if anyone had heard him. And then quieter, "I really do."

Jimin nods and makes an affirmative noise at the back of his throat. "Then we're friends."

At this, Jeongguk is over the moon. If Hoseok were to ask him what number he's at right now, he'd say a solid three. If he was more naive he'd say that things are starting to look up for him, but by now he knows better than to have any hope. Nothing is permanent, and no one ever stays.

Hoseok returns a minute later with their drinks in his hands and tries to plaster on an innocent expression. "So what did I miss?"

Jeongguk laughs. "I made another friend, hyung." And as if to make his point, he lifts the cartoon up. "Jimin brought me milk."

"I'm your hyung too, brat," Jimin scolds.

Hoseok looks between the two of them for a moment. When he smiles it's a little wobbly and he looks a little emotional in a way that Jeongguk can't understand. "I'm so happy for you, Guk. Really, I'm happy."

"Me too," he says and for once, it isn't a complete lie.