Carry On Wayward Son - kansas

There was a pounding on Ethan's door. Repeated. Louder. Then a voice to accompany the pounding.

"Ethan Thompson, open this door right now, or I swear to all that is holy I will break it down."

Whoops. She was pissed. And when his mom was pissed, you stayed out of her way. How was he going to stay out of her way AND open the door? He never should have ignored her call...again.

He hadn't really learned his lesson after the first time a week ago. After all, she had just sent Josh who came to find him at the frat house, sitting on that questionable couch which was probably dragged in from some ally after who knows how many cats had called it home. Josh had given him a hard time, for about a minute. But then the two of them had found a furnished apartment to rent and Ethan had upgraded to a better couch, certainly not having been a home for alley cats.

So really, all Josh had done was change Ethan's geography. His denial or depression, or his guilt, whatever he was dealing with, had not relented. And now there were no parties with shy girls to get his mind off of things for a while.

Classes hadn't started yet and he still didn't have a job, so it was back to sleeping as much as he could. Well until his mom started banging on his door. She had called him the night before and he had been too stubborn to answer.

He knew what she would say, get off your ass and start living. He didn't want to hear it. He was also pretty sure she wouldn't want to hear his response, which would have been laced with sarcasm and rebuttals. As the summer had stretched on, anger had been added to the long list of emotional melt downs he was having. And, yeah, he was angry. Pissed. Livid.

Who was the anger directed at? Well, who was standing in front of him at the moment. That was pretty much who would get a snide remark or scowl from Ethan. The pizza guy, telemarketers, the girl working the drive through at Taco Bell. Even Josh was learning to just stay away from him as much as possible. No one was safe.

Ethan had no real outlet for his anger other than his few run-ins with the outside world, so it mostly simmered as he watched tv or slept. And now his mom was banging on the door, about to take on the storm that had been brewing in his distraught mind.

Ethan got up from the couch and sauntered to the door. "Hang on, I'm coming!"

Not the best choice of words, or tone.

"Watch it, Ethan! I've pretty much had it with you at this point!" His mom wasn't happy with him, quite obviously.

He opened the door to find her eyeing him with sheer frustration written all over her face. Suddenly, and without any warning whatsoever, her hand flew to his cheek, slapping the snot out of him.

"What the...! What was that for?" Ethan questioned incredulously while massaging his stinging cheek.

"Oh, did you feel that?" His mom replied, "good, that means you're alive. Now start acting like it!" She pushed past him, walking into the living room and taking a seat on HIS couch.

Ethan's mouth was open, prepared to respond to her little speech, but he found that he had nothing to say. So rather than get into a war of words with the champion herself, he resigned himself to his fate and went to sit on the couch next to her.

"Okay, let me have it," he said in surrender. Hadn't he been thinking a week ago that he wished she would just get pissed at him? Yeah, be careful what you wish for...

"Son, you have got to do something about all these feelings you're having. Keeping them bottled up and trying to ignore them is just dragging you down. So, talk to me. Tell me what's been going through that mind of yours."

It was crazy how well she knew him, how easy it was for her to know exactly what he had been putting himself through. Ethan felt it was well deserved but of course his mom would feel differently.

Without a good reason not to, he decided to tell her, everything. Until now, he had only given basic and the most pertinent information about that night. He hadn't talked about Hope, or about his idea to surf. In that moment, with just his mom's into-your-core stare, he decided to come clean.

"I wanted to forget about her, drown my sorrows in oblivion. I wanted to get drunk and just not care about her for a while. I planned to do it alone, but Will had other plans. He wasn't going to let me wallow by myself. So he joined me after setting up the bonfire. We drank, and talked, and he tried to encourage me. After we went through the case of beer, I had the idea to surf. He wanted to go with me. We stumbled all over the place trying to get down to our spot. I couldn't get out far enough to even paddle, but he did.

"He was down almost the second he stood up on the board. Even before he got up I felt it. Something bad was going to happen. I had no idea that he would pay the price for my foolishness. And I couldn't get to him, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get out there. I think I felt it the moment he was gone, you know. I could feel that he wasn't with me anymore.

"That's the thought I can't get out of my head, he's gone now, and I can't get rid of that feeling I had when I knew he was really gone. I feel the responsibility for it, you know. But also, I'm really mad at him. Isn't that sick? I'm mad at him for dying even though it's completely my fault. I'm so mad that he came with me. I'm mad that he was drinking that much when I was the one in pain. I'm mad that he went along with the surfing. And if I think too long about how mad I am, then I get mad at myself all over again."

Ethan sat with his head hanging low, not saying anymore. He was so ashamed of what he had done, what he'd been doing and what he'd been thinking. It was hard to admit, even to her. She always seemed to know what he was going to say before he said it.

"I'm not proud of how I've been acting since it happened. I just...can't seem to snap out of it."

His mom just sat quietly with him for a while. She had an uncanny ability to know when to speak, and when to remain silent. Her silence was as full of meaning as her words. So when she finally did speak, Ethan gave her his full attention.

"I still can't imagine what it's been like for you, but I do know what it's like to blame yourself for the actions of another person. When your dad left, I blamed myself for a long time. If I had been more attentive as a wife, or more encouraging perhaps. Maybe if I hadn't been so content with a simple life, oh I don't know. But strange things run through a person's mind when tragedy happens. I know your dad leaving isn't the same as Will, but to a family, when the father leaves it is a tragedy.

"It took years for me to finally understand that he made the decision without me. He didn't try, and he didn't talk to me about it. He made his decision alone. Will was with you but he made his own decisions. But, son, I don't expect you to accept that right now. It takes time for a person to work these things out. So give yourself the gift of time, and give the rest of us the gift of you."

The champion indeed. She had certainly won this battle with him.

That afternoon, Ethan cleaned himself up and went out to look for a job. He found one at a restaurant working as a waiter. He didn't have any experience but the manager was impressed with his work ethic, noting that he had worked steadily since he was 14. Ethan knew he was more than lucky to find this job and be hired so quickly. With that in mind, he knew that he would have to adjust his school schedule as well. He had a scholarship to worry about and didn't know if he would be allowed to switch things around.

Relief washed over him after meeting with a school counselor, planning his schedule for the next quarter or two. He was able to work everything out. He realized it was just what he needed, keeping busy. It helped that he had a change of scenery with the new apartment and a job he had never shared with Will. The memories were too hard to handle still. Time, that's what he needed to deal with things.

*********************

Time had ticked on. Over the ten months since his mom had knocked some sense back into him, Ethan had been staying focused and getting more accustomed to the new normal. Life without Will, life without the prospect of Hope.

He had been enjoying his new job, working full time, and gotten the hang of being a waiter. It wasn't that hard if you had a good memory, which Ethan did. He made some friends at the restaurant and spent some of his off time with them, just hanging out. No one could replace Will, however.

There was one girl working with him, Casey, that Ethan really enjoyed. She was pretty. Shoulder length blond hair, tan from surfing all summer, athletic body and blue eyes. She was outgoing and bubbly, but not obvious and controlling like the girls that really turned his stomach. He felt comfortable talking with her and they became good friends.

About eight months after Will had died, Ethan told Casey about him. He didn't tell her the details of his death, or about Hope. That would have been too much for him. He was not ready yet. He just explained that his best friend that he had grown up with and surfed everyday with had died, and Ethan hadn't been able to surf since. He hadn't even looked at his surf boards since the day he threw them out of the back of his truck.

Casey simply said, "Looks like it's time to get back out there." Ethan let out a strained chuckle. Yeah, that's exactly what Will would have said. She was a lot like Will, he had to admit. And even though he wasn't sure he wanted to try this yet, he found himself agreeing with her and planning to go out the following day.

He didn't bother going back to get his board, being so close to the beach there was always someone who had one he could borrow. So Casey took him to Pismo beach. Ethan had insisted they surf away from Morro and SLO. After watching her for a while and getting up his nerve, he went back in the water.

It was freeing and heartbreaking all at the same time. He wasn't moved to tears, rather he was moved to silence. He couldn't form words after catching that first wave and feeling the exhilaration that can only come from the power of the ocean. It was easier the second time, and the third. And after a while it was as if he had never stopped.

He gave Casey a wordless hug of thanks and they left the beach after a few hours. That was enough for him, but he knew he would be back.

^^^^^^^^^^^
If you liked it, don't forget to tap the star to vote!

Authors note

Things are finally starting to look up for Ethan. Of course he will still be dealing with all of the issues which go along with a traumatic event. His guilt will be lingering, but his life is about to change in a way he couldnt imagine. I'm so excited! The next chapter will bring us full circle, back to that first paragraph in the first chapter, Simple Man. He will receive that phone call which changes everything. The rest of the book will parallel Hope's story. I can hardly wait for you to read it!

Notes on chapter title - carry on wayward son

It's Diane to the rescue again! I love how she came in and kicked his butt. Right? And the song says it all, carry on. Live. Ethan needed to hear that, he is still needed and loved, he needs to give those who love him the gift of him. It will still be a long journey for him, but pretty soon Hope will be there for him too.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]